A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I posted here last week about my boyfriend allowing this girl to pick off off his plate, take the cherry from his drink etc.Both myself and boyfriend's sister in law spoke to him telling him it's wrong, that he shouldn't have allowed it. He said he will talk to the girl and let her know not to do that again.He told me yesterday that while out with this girl, he did have the opportunity to mention to her that she shouldn't pick off his plate anymore. He said she asked why, and he said he told her because he doesn't like it. That was exactly what he told me.Today, the girl messages me to tell me that he told her she can't do it anymore ''because I don't like it'' and that ''I gave him a hard time the whole night''. She asked if I was mad at her, I explained that I'm not mad at her, but rather at HIM for his response.Basically, I think he once again lied to me about what he told her just to make me feel better. But his version to her is that he is fine with it but I am not, so she has to stop. What do you think of that?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 November 2015):
 Your boyfriend needs to stop her doing this, I still say next time it happens just get up and walk out.
If that doesn't make him take action, then he isn't worth keeping around.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): I'm the OP here.
Thanks everyone for your responses.
Thank you WiseOwlE for your indepth explanation. During the dinner, I didn't act upset and just went with the flow. My boyfriend was the only one that knew I was upset. However, we still enjoyed the meal. I forgot to mention that in the end of the meal, my boyfriend and I were sharing a piece of cake and she once again reach over with her fork to take some.
What she did is very disrespectful to me, and her boyfriend and just in general not something a honorable girl would do.
I explained to him why I am not happy. #1. Him telling me one version (that he told her to stop cuz HE didn't like it), and him telling her another version (He needs her to stop because I was upset at him all night because of it). #2 I said I will always have his back and will tell the other person 'Don't do it, I don't like it and it's disrespectful to my girlfriend.' I won't say don't do it cuz she was mad at me for it. He doesn't understand that.. he says all that matters is that he told her. That is NOT all that matters.
This girl has a boyfriend and keep VERY close tabs on him. He needs to seek her approval and permission to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. So I would be surprised that she is so dense she doesn't know that picking off my boyfriend's plate would not upset me or is not disrespectful to me. I mean doesn't she think it's disrespectful to her boyfriend that she's picking off some other guy's plate? She actually dipped her fingers into his drink to get the cherry!
I'm so upset now because after trying to explain to my boyfriend to get him to understand why this is inappropriate.. he says I'm an annoyance. He never said what she did was disrespectful to me and is wrong.. yet calls me an annoyance when I'm trying to get him to understand how I'm feeling.
WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015): Read my advice carefully. Don't get it twisted; and go on some sort of rampage. Keep your jealousy in check. Handle this like an adult. Here goes!
Just between two people, picking from someone's plate is a display of intimacy. If your plate is open to anyone, you're just among friends. It's something you'd allow a girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, or a family member to do. Rarely just one friend. It sends the wrong message to a single person when you're in a committed relationship, to allow them to do things you used to. When you commit to someone; you change how you relate to exes, or other single people. You set boundaries in your behavior towards them; and their behavior towards you. Whether your mate is present, or not! You can't build trust in a person who doesn't respect your feelings, or won't set boundaries when it comes to their personal-space.
It would be more appropriate to politely ask to sample something on the plate of another person, or get your own.
Not to reach over and just help yourself. That is more or less presumptuous behavior, when you just reach over and help yourself. If you know someone has a mate, you simply don't do it to show respect. She is challenging your position and showing you how close she is to your boyfriend. It's not necessary, and it is as you see it. Grossly inappropriate, and disrespectful on several levels.
It should not be okay with your boyfriend; if it is not okay with you. You read this behavior exactly for what it is. She did it to needle at you. It's a passive-aggressive way to show you how close they still are, in spite of you.
My friends used to kiss me on the lips, or hug me around the waste when I first met my boyfriend. I noticed he seemed a little uncomfortable with that. I just read his subtle body-language and a little redness in his face. He's not the jealous type, but it registered that he was not happy with the blatant affection in his presence. I stopped it without a word from him; because knowing he was uncomfortable about it was enough. His feelings matter to me.
He has very large biceps and sleeve tattoos. People squeeze his arms or touch his body, and some don't even know him. He now shrinks away, or politely declines requests to feel him up! I was uncomfortable; because people can be very forward, and just assume it's okay. Especially women.
He's gay, and not in the closet; so, he lets them know we're together. I'll say go ahead, but most of the time; he'd prefer people keeping their hands to themselves. I agree. He hates his exes. That's not even an issue! Most of his male friends are straight. That's not an issue either!
Your boyfriend should keep girls out of his plate and his personal space; that's off-limits. Because it is a public display of familiarity, for people who are exceptionally close to each other. You don't like it, and neither would I.
Let him know that she contacted you. You're not happy about that; nor his nonchalant response to your concern about it. You have to set boundaries for friends and acquaintances for behavior that reflects affection beyond being just friends. There are things reserved for your spouse or your girl/boyfriend, and a man should let all other women know I'm no longer on the market. He has to set boundaries in consideration of your feelings; and out of respect for your relationship. It may seem trivial to some, but it's the message this woman is sending you.
Women read other women very well. Just as gay men know when they are being sent subtle hints of disrespect; and/or when someone is trying to create a rift in your relationship.
Just don't overreact to every move she makes, and don't make a total fool of yourself. Simply let your boyfriend know, don't let other females do anything he wouldn't want you to do with, for, or to another guy! Close the topic at that point, and don't bring it up again. If he ignores you, he has no respect for your feelings. Then you have a decision to make.
Never cling to a guy out of fear the other female will take him, if you let him go. If he's not showing you respect, she has him anyway. When guys play a doofus, and oblivious when other women are out of line; that is a crock of bull. The minute you said you didn't like it, should have been all you had to say.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 November 2015):
Show him the message. Tell him you don't care what he said to her, or what she said to him, but the next time she picks food off his plate, or cherries from his drink you will be walking.
And do it, you don't need to say anything, you just pick up your purse and phone and walk. Make sure you ALWAYS have the cab fare back home tucked somewhere safe.
If he follows and act all confused, be very clear, tell him that you have discussed this issue and are not prepared to discuss it anymore. It is up to HIM to decide what he wants, her playing silly buggars and you walking, or the more peaceful alternative. Leave the ball firmly in his court.
I think this girl is going to push the issue, well, let her, you can't control her actions, or your boyfriend's actions, but you can certainly control what you will, and will not, accept.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 November 2015):
 Actually I would be mad at both. Your boyfriend enjoyed the pseudo closeness of this girl. This girl may have a crush on him and was flirting with him. If she has to be told why this is inappropriate, she is either playing dumb or is socially awkward. I don't get why she has to message you either, to be in your face or to pretend she doesn't know why you would be angry. It's not true that your boyfriend did not like it when she picked off his plate and the cherry. He actually liked it but said he didn't to show he at least he knows right and wrong. But to that girl he said You didn't like it so he wouldn't sound like the, harsh bad guy.
There's also the possibility that the girl was lying, or paraphrased what he was saying. Since he didn't stop her at that moment and it had to get to you before him saying anything, obviously it's you who didn't like it, but he didn't mind.
This doesn't necessarily show your boyfriend likes her and would cheat on you with her. But it shows he does not know how to ward off unwanted attention.
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