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Girlfriend cheated but denies it..what to do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 January 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 6 January 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, *hicoonacrusade writes:

So here's the deal. Very long story. I'm almost 21 and she is 23 and I have been dating my girlfriend for the past year and three months and though we have had ups and downs we both can agree our relationship is very good (not perfect by any means) in every way. Our sex life is very active though I'll admit in the last three months or so she has seemed slightly less interested in me.

The past year other than my lady has been the worst ever because of other stresses in my life. It has strained the relationship but not in a major way. My house was robbed, my mother is going through a nasty divorce and telling me that she is having trouble with my brother and she feels like dying, my grades in college didn't live up to my potential, I'm trying to work 30 hours a week, go to school full time and do well, have a girlfriend and care for her the best I can, pay the bills, while trying to eat sleep and play in between. I don't know I just feel a bit pressured to stick to routine which I hate.

Back to the relationship. There is another catch. She doesn't exactly speak the same language as me though I am pretty fluent in her language so there is a slight communication barrier where I can't explain some things I would want to in detail and she can't either. She has always been the suspicious one and she says she is that way because I'm handsome, charming, and she is afraid I would find someone better. She knows that I study with mostly women too (college is majority women these days and the guys that are their usually don't study)and says that they are too attractive for her. I'm not just saying this to flatter myself either. I won't lie I have occasionally (when times were tough) fantasized about single life but have never had targeted thoughts and they passed because I feel like I'm in love.

She has been in a relationship before and had two children at a young age in her country and says she came to the States to support them after she found out her boyfriend had multiple affairs and she says she didn't love him and only tried to be with him because of the kids. She has lots of friends here that are gossipy and say bad things about me and I attribute those things to jealousy because she does sell them out a lot to be with me. They even try to set her up with other people knowing that she is in a relationship. She tells me all this and says she defends me.

I am her everything. I am her transportation. I try to educate her. I got her into classes. When she is sick and she doesn't know why I take her to the clinic and the nine yards. When her family upped the rent on her and basically said pay or get on the street I was there for her and we shared my place until she ran out one night three months ago that my house was robbed (random robberies are usual in my neighborhood, not a drug dealer or anything) and said she felt unsafe and insecure.

Since then she moved back with her family and I have been concentrating on school so really we only had time to do simple things like exercise together, watch TV programs we both like, and have sex.

We got in a fight on New Years because I didn't want her to be with me if she was going to drink. I have never had a good drinking experience with her, ever. She always gets jealous of someone and starts some kind of drama. She acts like a different person and gets very dramatic to the point where I spend more time babysitting and less time hosting. I said you can choose to drink or choose to be with me and she chose to drink so I said that I wasn't going to be with her for New Years and ended up having a great time at the bar and hosted an after party at my house after which she showed up at my house drunk @ 2AM and bit me (yea seriously), said it was over (which she denies), and walked out. The next day we made up like we always do after a night of her drinking and I picked her up and she slept over.

To get to the point, the day after she slept over I was cleaning the house up and I picked up her phone which she had left at home while she was at work. I was really just curious due to her strange behavior so I checked out what was in her phone. She was being very secretive about her phone lately and playing with it more often than usual. I just thought it was good for her to text because she really didn't know how to read or write before she met me.

What I found really killed me. I found about 20 messages from this guy in her language saying things like 'i love you', 'sweet dreams', pictures of roses, long love messages, and things that 'just a friend' wouldn't send.. In her outgoing was a picture of her (not nude but something she would only send to me). In her outgoing calls she had several calls to this guys number in the last few days that were brief but at weird times like 3 AM on new years and lots of calls while I was visiting my family for xmas (invited her but she had to work). Brief calls (which I think are due to just short invites) because she tells me later that this guy supposedly lives in her community and is a friend in her 'circle'.

I confronted her immediately with her phone on one of the msgs and basically just wore my heart on my sleeve. She laughed nervously and said it was just a friend bothering her and that nothing had happened. She said that this guy wanted to be with her and saw she had moved back with her family so was trying to get with her thinking we weren't together. I named names (dumb) and she said that it was a guy who had a girlfriend. She said she talked to him when she needed someone to talk to because he was from the same country as her. I went back to the house and furiously told her to pack what she had in the house up. There was a message that she sent to this guy that said 'dream with me' which was sent right before I picked her up the night we made up that set me off. She said that she was just 'playing with his head' and that is how her culture is. I got weak and made up with her because I love her. She deleted all of the messages and calls before I got the chance to ask her about details and said she deleted them because she didn't want me to feel hurt.

The next night she came over and we drank beer and watched football (she only acts crazy when friends come over). She got a call from another guy (coworker) to go to a party who sounded really flirty. I begin to feel hurt and suspicious again. She passed out in the bed and I made a boo boo out of distrust. I texted the guy from her phone to try to get some real answers. Supposedly she said she hadn't talked to the guy since the blowup where he said that they had talked in the morning and he felt sad about what she said (im assuming she called it off). Then I asked if he liked the love they made in the bed and he said 'yea but no more' and he asked if she still felt something for him where I ended the conversation by acting like her and saying he needs to respect our relationship.

The next morning I woke her up early to kick her out and said a lot of insulting things for which I felt bad for but I felt so hurt that I wanted her to feel how I felt. She yelled at me saying I was using her(I feel like this guy in the relationship was the one using her) and that I am wrong for not believing her and that she would never get back with me. I told her fine and that I would never call her again. We cried together and had some heart to heart about how we felt and she left.

I feel devastated and empty in those moments of single life. I realize that this is the first person I really have ever truly loved. I am not a cryer and I cried and cursed myself for being so emotional. I felt like I had no idea how to use the excess energy without her in my life.

Next thing I know I'm making a music CD for her to give to her and I see ten missed calls from her with voice mails of her crying saying that she wants me to feel better and she wants to see me. So I call her and I say OK and swore to myself not to settle for anything but the truth (because at this point the writing is on the wall, right?). I swore that if she didn't come forward with the truth I was going to give her the CD and slam the door on her.

Again I am a weak lover and she shows up at the doorstep with tears in her eyes and food she made for me. I tell her to give me the truth and she denies denies denies. I tell her I would be happier with the truth and still she denies there was anything with this guy and that I am her only lover since she came to this country and practically begs for me on her knees and says she is going to try hard to be the perfect woman for me and that I am the only one she loves blah blah blah. She even offered to give me her phone but I told her that I don't want a relationship where I will be checking on her all the time. I also told her she will just hide her phone in another spot and the issue would just become more secretive. I don't really respond to her with anything.

We hang out and watch football (she does like football by the way) and I respect her and we listen to her CD which she said she loved it (even though it had a bunch of sappy break up songs on it i alternated the songs between her language and mine). I stay calm and she starts touching me again like we are together and again we have sex. Amazing love like when we had first started dating where every second of it was effort to make each other feel good. She slept over and she initiated sex with me as I was waking up which she used to do a lot but it tapered off after our one year where she moved out. I dropped her off at work and here I am.

Sorry I know this is long but I need outside opinions. When responding ask yourself these questions.

Did she cheat on me?

If she did what was it?

Is it OK to still after all of this to feel hurt and betrayed (today when I dropped her off at work I hid my face because I felt ashamed and I felt that this is something everyone probably knew)?

Do I take her back?

Do I ever get the real truth if there is one? If so, how?

Will I ever really know?

I am transferring colleges this summer so do I take her with me to another place far away and take on a year lease contract with someone who may or may not have been cheating on me and lying about it?

Should I feel bad for her that I acted like this?

Does she really feel remorse for cheating on me and just trying to keep things together because she realizes that I really do love her and that this guy was just having her as a side dish to his relationship?

Or will she repeat what she did because she knows I will forgive her?

Is the writing REALLY on the wall and am I wrong for not believing her?

Maybe some strategies I can use to go from here and when I start feeling down about myself and take her back.

Thanks in advance feel free to ask questions and respond truthfully.

View related questions: affair, at work, divorce, drunk, flirt, insecure, jealous, moved out, sex life, text

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A female reader, Dee2707 United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2009):

Dee2707 agony auntA relationship needs trust to work. Perhaps its time you find someone who is worthy of your love and will respect you and return the feelings back fully. It will be difficult to move away from someone you spent a long part of your life with, but there is still a whole world out there and you should get back out there and show her what she's lost. :) Dee

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A male reader, Jazzloop United States +, writes (6 January 2009):

You are in a situation that I am. But all I can say is that follow your heart. Every time I think about what my girlfriend did, it makes me weak and I never even want to have sex with her, I lose the drive. READ my story. We have known each other for a long while as coworkers but didn't start going out until the past four to five months. There is another coworker she gave her number to so he can "forward her" some jokes (dirty sex jokes and pics) which I confronted her about coz I felt they were inapropriate especially that we we're seeing each other. Apparently this guy had been hitting on her and she knew it. I warned her but she claimed he was just sending her forwards. She said he was just a friend and she had no intentions of buildning anything intimate with him. Her defense was, "I know this guy has slept with most of my friends at work and I can't do that..." Long story short, those forwards started getting personal to a point where he sends her pics of himself and asks her to send him her pics. I watched a behaviour and body language.

One day she acted so funny and I knew somthing was going on so I snooped in her phone and what I found weakened me. She was asking this dude how he was going to keep her warm while he was at work (things that she should only say to me) he told her never to show his pics to anyone. They had a deal. But when I confronted her I told her I knew what's been going on but didn't tell her I checked on her phone. She had been very smart about deleting old messages especially from that dude but that night she forgot for a good reason but anyways, to this day she is still denying that she did anything wrong and that's what I don't appreciate.

I don't feel I can trust her with anything she says. Women can be like that and they are very good with shedding tears too. I was very hurt and I never cried like that in any of my relationships. She wanted to have sex with this dude coz of his looks. Don't get me wrong, he is a cool looking dude but I don't think that is a reason for someone to cheat. I have had better looking girls wanting to have sex with me but I just never went there with them or gave them my number. With my girlfriend, I don't think she slept with him but she was just seconds away and I caught it before it went on. I don't see her the same like I did before. She was in a very abusive relationship before me and I have been nice to her, but what she did me was wrong. It's something I am learning about women, they never appreciate good guys sometimes. She was trading something good we had with some stupid stuff..... anyways, do what your heart says.

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A male reader, chicoonacrusade United States +, writes (6 January 2009):

chicoonacrusade is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your responses. The past day I have been trying to distance myself and she keeps saying she feels sorry for me now and that she is sorry she hurt me but STILL won't fess up to the whole truth.

No matter what now I think this relationship is doomed. I feel like I wasted all of my time and energy on someone that wasn't really worth it. I spent so much time on her that I don't even have many friends anymore.

I also keep insulting her when we talk and I can't help it. Ouch.

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A female reader, Dee2707 United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2009):

Dee2707 agony auntHi :).. To be honest there is no certain way you can know whether your girlfriend has cheated on you or not without having the evidence right in front of you. Nor are you going to be able to get the truth, and its fine you still feel the way you do. Feelings dont just switch on and off, it takes time, but sometimes letting go and moving on is the best cure and by then a clearer way of thinking and understanding the situation will become present. You may love her, but are you sure she loves you back? Think to your self, do you want to be stuck in a relationship where you are constantly wondering, 'what if' ' did she or didnt she'. Will you ever truly be able to trust her again? You shouldnt feel bad in the way you acted, nothing you have done is wrong and you shouldnt be made to feel that it is. Any girl can cry her eyes out at the drop of the hat, so who's to know whether the tears she cried were real or fake. My honest opinion is that you move on from this relationship and you make her see you have had enough and you dont want to be in a relationship which is breaking your heart every single day. There is better out there for you, i promise. 100% there is someone out there who will make you happier than you ever have been and truthfully i dont think this girl you fretting over is her. I hope ive helped, and if you want to write back then great. I am here for you and i wish you luck. --Dee :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009):

End it hun!!! Just end it and show you're a man, because a lot more people know about it than you think, and it shows you're not a man.

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