A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We have been together a year and a half. We have a good relationship and sex life.He seems attracted to me and he's very physically affectionate. He says he's in love with me and wants to have children get married all that fairy tale stuff. BUT...I'm worried he might be gay. Every time we go out he pulls me aside and tells me about a gay man whose looking at him or thinks he's hot. For example our waiter at dinner was a very nice looking gay man .After the waiter leaves my boyfriend says the waiter wants him so bad. My boyfriend also says that gay men give him the EYE and he just puts his head down and smiles and shakes his head. My boyfriend says he feels flattered if the man hitting on him is attractive but he's not gay.Its disrespectful to me because I want him to be faithful to me and stop paying attention to these attractive men all the time. I feel like he gives them the impression that he's available by smiling when they come on to him.Also he's very obsessed with George Clooney and Johnny Depp he wants to look like them and thinks they are cool and very attractive. He tells me i have nothing to worry about theses men because hes not gay...Should I be worried ??How can I tell if he's gay for sure?I have nothing against gay men but I want to build my future with a straight man obviously.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 December 2015):
 I think your BF is somewhat of an attention whore and that he ENJOYS making you feel a little insecure from time to time. But he also ONLY mention men hitting on him? If so he doesn't want to make YOU feel crappy about yourself.
While he may not be gay at all, he KNOWS you feel uncomfortable when he brings up ALL the gay men that wants him, because they have something you don't.... So you can't really compete at all. (not that you NEED to compete). I think he knows you are a little uptight and he find it funny to tease you.
As for him liking Depp and Clooney... I don't see the problem there at all. They are two very different distinct personalities and "types" and both considered very attractive by BOTH men and women.
I absolutely adore Cate Blanchet, Tilda Swinton, Dania Gurira, Kiera Knightly (I could go on and on with female actors) but that doesn't say anything about my sexual orientation.
Gay men have crushes on straight guys. Gay men can be attracted to straight men. It's not really strange at all. It doesn't mean though that they will HIT on them or that they won't respect the fact that the guy is straight and has a GF.
So in short, your BF is a little full of himself and maybe because YOU don't constantly flatter him he sees flattery everywhere. Maybe he find gay guy's attention less of a "threat" to you?
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (8 December 2015):
I don't think your boyfriend is gay, but I do think he believes he is very good looking (or is at least trying to convince himself/you that he is).
I think he probably thinks that every woman he meets wants him as well, but he can't brag about that to you without sounding like an ass so instead he focuses on this attention he believes he is getting from men. It's a way to big himself up and let you see how desirable he is.
Now I think this could either be because he IS exceptionally good looking and he has people swarming around him all the time, or because he wants to feel like he is so he exaggerates the truth and/or interprets friendliness as a sign of attraction.
For example, I have a good friend who is always getting approached by men who simply have to tell her how gorgeous she is, yet this only ever seems to happen when she is on her own (as in none of her friends have ever seen one of these guys approach her). Of course it may be true, but I think it's more likely to be made up/exaggerated to allow her to act out this fantasy she has of being the most smoking hot woman in the room, when she's just a normal pretty woman who gets an average amount of interest from men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): By the way, there is no way to tell if he's gay for sure.
He has to have sex with a man first.
[Edit] "You think gayness is an illness; so you're still in the old mindset that if he doesn't hate gay men, he wants one."
[Edit] "I'm not going to kick the word "bi-sexual" around in this case."
Like janniepeg says, he's a bit full of himself. So the attention he receives from either gender for his looks may be going to his head. It's mostly conceit, my dear! Not homosexuality!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): I sense a little homophobia here! Because he's good-looking, it only follows gay men will find him attractive. It means nothing that he's flattered, and it's just an ego booster. You're reading a lot into it; because you're insecure about your boyfriend's feelings for you. God forbid he should have a gay friend!
I am a gay man. I have many straight male friends and they're very good-looking. Some of my straight male friends are married. Straight men are not as threatened by gay men as they once were. And yes, in a humorous way; many straight males find a little validation and get an ego-boost from knowing gay men find them hot. They don't mind them looking, touching is a whole different ball of wax! There are boundaries!
Most of the muscular peacocks you see strutting around the gym want other guys to notice how buff they are. It's all ego. Nothing more.
So he thinks George Clooney and Johnny Depp are cool and good looking? News flash, that's the general consensus.
Attractive people get hit on by males or females. It comes with the territory. I'm gay and straight women aggressively hit on me. I don't mind, I find it quite flattering. Doesn't change how I feel about my boyfriend. Straight men check out my physique at the gym. It's out of natural male competitiveness, not sexual-attraction.
Just because he's flattered, doesn't mean he wants to do it with a man. Would you feel better if he flew into a rage and gay-bashed every gay guy who looked his way? Every good-looking straight guy I've ever known, has been hit on by a gay man, and it didn't change one thing about them.
They usually laughed it off. Only if they are confronted in the wrong way do they get angry. That's where they draw the line. Ignorant redneck homophobic behavior is something you should be more concerned about. They're usually hiding something!
He's affectionate, he's sweet to you, you have a good sex-life. Sounds like he's a well-rounded guy. Comfortable in his skin, and very young. So he doesn't have the old-school prejudices and insecurities of males 50 years ago. You think gayness is an illness; so you're still in the old mindset that if he doesn't hate gay me, he wants one.
Chill, you're a lucky lady! You're just feeling a little insecure because you're not sure how to compete with someone with different plumbing. Truth is, you don't have to. Get over your phobia, and you'll be just fine.
I'm not going to kick the work "bi-sexual" around in this case. There's no real evidence. Eventually you will insult him by emasculating him and questioning his sexual-orientation. Neither you nor he deserves that kind of erosion in your relationship. So cut it out!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 December 2015):
The man you describe sounds totally bi-sexual. I've never had a straight male friend tell me that they want to look like a certain celebrity...that is very strange. And I have never had a straight male friend smile about being hit on by a gay guy. On top of thi, he is just to focused on the gay thing. Be ready for his affairs with gay guys once his sex life with you becomes a little boring. Just give this guy a little shove and he'll go one way or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): I agree that a small percentage of men are gay and I can't say I know many gay men myself. But when I started seeing my boyfriend we would go out to a city on night out and he did get a gay man telling him that he was beautiful, which amused me! He could see that my boyfriend and I were together so I don't think gay men always have the courtesy of not flirting with attached men, just like some straight people don't sometimes.My boyfriend has gay friends and he wasn't at all bothered by that guy saying that to him. I actually like the fact it doesn't bother him, I would hate to be with a man who was homophobic. He is beautiful lol so being in a place where gay people are there's no reason why they wouldn't find him attractive too. I can't say I've had other boyfriends who have been chatted up by gay people in the past so maybe it could just be his personality too as he's very outgoing and friendly.Altogether when I've been out with my boyfriend three gay people have tried chatting him up while we were out. But where we go out I suppose there are a higher percentage of gay people living there than if we went to a small town like where I live. Do you live in a city or a place with a big gay community?My boyfriend finds me attractive and I don't think he is gay at all. I don't think that your boyfriend is gay, telling you that he likes the fact hot men want him is slightly disrespectful and I wouldn't like that but I don't think he's gay. He just likes the ego boost that attractive people like him.You say he finds you attractive and that you have a good relationship. These days being gay is quite acceptable, well it is in the UK in my opinion. I don't think people are as scared to come out any more, so if your boyfriend is so accepting of gay people I think he would have come out if he were actually gay. If he openly likes gay people and has no problem with them then he wouldn't be hiding the fact he's actually gay himself.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (7 December 2015):
 I agree with janniepeg- Ok a man MAY be flattered if a really attractive man gave him the eye, like anyone would be if someone attractive shows you attention, but he REGULARLY is on the look out for attention from gay men! It likely IS wishful thinking footprint him because even if attractive gay men did show him a lot of attention, most men WOULDNT notice- they don't even pick up on signals from women half the time.. I don't know much abut inside a closeted gay man's head but the above and this OBSESSION with really good looking celebrity men makes his behaviour pretty consistent.Try to address it properly again, although I really don't know if he'll admit anything to be honest. Follow your instincts and if you feel uneasy or uncomfortabke, take a break... Like janniepeg said, it ISNt fair for him to waste your time and your life.I'll say it again, follow your INSTINCTS. Take care and good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 Straight, gay or bisexual, he sounds so full on himself. Even if he's totally straight, his excessive need for admiration would cause him trouble. He would be fishing for compliments and flirt with women.
You would notice he only does this with men but not women. Many straight men I know are somewhat homophobic. There's no way they would be flattered by a gay man. Try watching gay porn with him. Many straight men would be disgusted but I guess he would like it.
Also he's imagining things. Gay men know better not to flirt with attached men. Waiters are trained to be friendly and keep eye contact. Your boyfriend interprets that as flirting. Gay men comprise of 10% of all men and your boyfriend seems to see them everywhere. Even a smaller percentage would outwardly dress and act feminine. Something is off about your boyfriend.
A year and a half is the time where people get comfortable and the true character reveals itself. Your boyfriend might be living the straight life on the surface but would secretly wish for dalliance with gay men, or play mind games with them. This is not respectful to you and towards men in public.
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A
female
reader, Lozini +, writes (7 December 2015):
I am happy for your opinion on your relationship on the positive note! It seems that this problem can be easily resolved if the two of you share a good bond, and it’s easy for you both to talk to one another.
To be quite honest, some guys would like to have a muck around, as this could be an attempt to make you laugh or possibly boost their self-esteem. I understand where your troubles root, since it can be seen from your personal perspective.
Surely, since you have a good relationship that he would've told you honestly (if that was indeed the case) by now if he had any concerns of his sexuality. But if you're feeling concerned or worried in any way then you should never be afraid to let your problems loose to him, since as you said your relationship is on good terms, so there shouldn't be much to worry about from what I can see. I urge you to be honest with him, and he may well be honest with you. So have a sit down with him, and tell him about your concerns, and I hope everything goes well for you both.
I wouldn't be too worried about his hobbies of actors such as Depp and Clooney, since both men are straight and married, and have kids, so I wouldn't worry too much on that note.
He could be bisexual if he is attracted to men, but that isn't a problem for you if you want to keep your relationship going, since clearly he is attracted to you as well. So don't immediately assume he is gay, although bisexuality is a possibility, that's him. Overall it could be his personality! So really, I suggest discussing this with him to get your worries aside concerning your relationship. I hope everything goes well for you!
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