A
female
age
36-40,
*lareamy
writes:I am 29, I have 3 children and with my husband 11 years, married nearly 3 years.My relationship has been hell for nearly 3 years. It all started when my husband got a private lap dance on his stag night. I know it sounds relatively minor to some but I was genuinely devastated by it. From then i have found out my husband has been lying me for our whole relationship. A lot of it come out during marriage counselling and during the counselling we came to a new understanding and we tried to move on with our lives under these new "rules" or "understandings" whatever you want to call them.His-No more lies-No more "other women"-Commit fully to our relationship-Get off the phone/computer all the time-And most of all communicate with me.Mine-Learn to trust more.-Don't fly off the handle and shout.-Try and listen when he has a problem-Work on self esteem-Don't compare him and my DadAfter doing this for abut 18 months we were getting better, not great, but better. I had our third child in this time. I had major complications and I lost 4 litres of blood and nearly died. It left me with post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway after I had my Daughter my Husband became very distant, disinterested and completely unaffectionate with me. I assumed it was me!! I was fat after having the baby. I was broken,ugly, a mental case, high maintenance, useless- can't even have a baby without nearly dying. All this was going through my head for months. We would be having sex and he just wasn't "there" he couldn't even finish sometimes. Then he just stopped all together trying to come on to me. I was invisible.I started checking his phone and I found he had been looking at a girl he knew from school, by look i mean 30-40 pics in one hit. I confronted him about it and he just made me feel stupid like it wasn't a big deal.Then one night I found he had been googling how to delete things from your phones memory. I confronted him about it and he lied at first- of course. Then you came out with it he had been watching porn on his phone. Everyday. Couple of times a day. At home in the toilet. Before going to work he would masterbate in the kitchen then come kiss me goodbye.I felt sick.To make it worse I had been sending him naked/dirty pics of myself and letting him video us during sex. I said "why couldn't you just watch that" and he said he did ONCE. I wasn't good enough I suppose.After weeks of arguing it became apparent he had a porn addiction. He also had erectile dysfunction due to the over use of porn. I always thought he finished really quick because he was just "built that way" but apparently its due to his ironic over use of porn. He swore to stop then and there and as far as he is telling me he has.I have helped him through it and he seems better, but I'm a wreck. I hate myself. I have no trust for him at all. I found porn on the computer last week, but he said it wasn't him it must of been a pop up. He has started taking his phone everywhere with him and he takes it into the toilet with him again. I'm going crazy. How can I trust such a liar??? how can you love someone who makes you feel worthless????
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addicted to porn, lapdance, liar, move on, porn, self esteem, stag Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Clareamy +, writes (8 December 2015):
Clareamy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response guys, I know it was a long post to get through. I really don't know what to say at the moment I'm so confused. I have taken in your good advise and I am going to try and forget the sordid mess he has brought into my life and concentrate on myself for a while. Thank you both again for your time X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): I was with a man who cheated on me while I was pregnant, I had a pretty bad time having my daughter and when I got home from the hospital I was still expected to do everything in the house even though he was off work. I went up a few sizes in clothes and he wouldn't give me money to buy new things to fit. I stood looking at myself in the mirror one day and cried at what I looked like after having the baby and he just told me I shouldn't worry about the way I look I should be more worried about my personality. I stayed with him for 8 years and I would find porn that he hid, we shared a mobile back then and he even phoned sex lines on it! Even though I used the phone too! He ended up running off with some other woman in the end and it was the best thing that could have happened.I hated myself when I was with him and how I looked and all the things you are feeling. I think he just wanted a girlfriend to clean the house and feed him. He was so old fashioned and wanted a woman to look after him like I was his mother or something.After he left I started to like myself again, I worked on my self esteem, got nice clothes and started looking after myself, not having to worry about using all my energy looking after him. The boyfriend I had after him wondered why he went off with this other woman because he thought I was more attractive anyway. Like Janniepeg said, even a perfect model wouldn't stop him looking at porn if he is addicted to it. Think of some beautiful famous people they still get cheated on. Famous sports personalities have the most gorgeous wives and they still end up cheating on them. It's not that you aren't attractive, I bet you are, you just have low self esteem and he doesn't have the common sense and decency to make you feel better.It's hard advising people to break up but give him some consequences. You've tried to make things work with counselling and helping him but he still carries on doing it. Have you thought about a trial separation? Just so you can have some space to work on your self esteem issues.After my ex left I ended up losing some weight and I looked the best I had for years, I was happy and got so much more confident. He could see that and I could tell one day he was looking at me the way he used to when I first met him. It isn't even so much about the weight, it's normal to gain some after a baby, it's all about loving yourself and giving out a positive vibe.Try and forget about what he's making you feel like and start concentrating on making you feel good. If he can't stop looking at this stuff then trying to make sure he's not doing it is going to drive you insane. Put this whole porn thing to the back of your mind for now and make all your thoughts about making yourself feel good. Write a list of the things you'd like to change about yourself, or how you'd like to be and work on them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 Like other addictions such as drugs, alcohol and gambling, porn has no place in a marriage. If you can't save your marriage, at least save your self esteem. One more thing you can add to your counselling list, is to stop thinking his addiction is because of your weight gain and your traumatic birth experience. If a person is an addict, anything would be a reason. Arguing and controlling his media usage would just drive him to do more. Even a perfect model would not stop an addict from watching porn because porn has variety.
A loving husband would feel compassion for your almost dying, and make sure you feel like a priority and not do anything to hurt you. Addicts can't love because their freedom of choice is impaired. He acts like you are something to be escaped from.
You waited 8 years to marry him but it still sounds like he did not marry you out of love, rather, it's a responsibility that he feels guilt not to. Make this about your relationship, and not your attractiveness or your lack of sex life. He has shown you he can't keep the vow and you need to follow up with consequences.
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