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Friends, lovers then friends again... but what are we now?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 November 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 November 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, *anting him back writes:

I dated/lived with my ex-boyfriend for about 7 months. (we broke-up 5 months ago.) At the end or our realationship I became very insecure and was convienced that he wasnt into me anymore. This eventually broke us up. At first when we broke up we did not speak at all. Then slowly we started talking again. Then we decided to "see where it goes" but I could not trust him. I was sure that because we were broke up that he was talking to other women and would go out, he kept telling me that no he wasnt. He never did. But he could not handle all the constant questions and games. He finally told me that he just wanted to be friends. We got to where we saw each other everyday and would even go out together. But he would never say we were "together" again. I asked about once a week where we stood. He would reply that the realationship just didnt work and we were just friends.

Whenever I expressed interest in moving on he would tell me to go ahead he understood. Then about two months ago, he went hunting for the weekend and I told him I had been asked out on a date. He told me to go if "needed" to. I didnt go, and he came home early to spend time with me. But, I lied and said that I did go, trying to make him jealous. Well it worked. He went nuts! and said that was the end of "us". I told him I thought we were just friends and he replied that all along there was an "us". But now there was no chance in us getting back together. Fast forward a couple weeks. We were out riding around and the subject of "us" came up again and he basically said that all this time he had been holding on hoping that I would change and stop being so insecure but now he had completely given up on us being together. For the week following that we got along just ok.

Then on a Saturday night we went out with my daughter and when we got home, he decided to stay the night. We had a long talk and he told me he promised to not talk to or date any other woman and it was my "last chance" to win him back. But with him making that commitment to me, I had no reason to be insecure. But, for now we remain just friends and we would see how he felt in the future "if" I change. No promises. And I made the same commitment to him. That talk accorded about 3-4 weeks ago. Since then we have gotten along great. I have become totally confident that he isnt looking for anyone.

We spend almost every second together. And have spent the night with each other several times. Sometimes we have sex sometimes we dont. Even if we dont he holds me all night long.

He has not said we are back together. I am scared to ask, because in the past everytime I brought it up he would say no and it would cause an arguement.

But, he is acting as if we are. Like I said we are always together, he speaks in "we" terms. Such as I am worried about buying Christmas for my kids and he says we will work it out, etc. I am involved in every aspect of his life and vice/ versa. The only thing that has not returned like as when were together is intamacy. We do not kiss goodnight we do not say I love you. Over the past week while sitting on the couch he did a couple of times put his arm around me. Several times in the past when I would stay the night with him or him with me, one of us would sleep on the couch. Only in the past couple weeks did we begin sleeping together. (he does say he loves me if it brought up.)

The only thing I do know is I love being with him, even if we are not "together" but I would love to know how he feels. Am I still his "best friend" or are we a couple. But do not want to take a step backwards if his answer is no. Because in the past when I ask, he would say. We were getting along fine untill you asked that. The only thing "us" related that he says now is how proud he is of me that we are getting along so good.

so do I realy need that title? or do I settle with the way things are. Because, I do know that each of us are not talking to anyone else. Is that good enough?

I am so in love with him....but scared to ask. Because he is finally coming around and I dont want to loose him again.

View related questions: broke up, christmas, I love you, insecure, jealous, my ex

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A female reader, wanting him back United States +, writes (22 November 2010):

wanting him back is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all so much for your advice and please keep it coming. The majority of you agree with what I was thinking in my just go with the flow for now. I am truely ok with that. Because I know without a doubt that he is only looking at me. I am a 35 yo woman, I do not need a title. I do love him and this is the best he has to offer right now, because he is scared I will go back to my old behaviors, he told my daughter last night that we are "working" on getting back together. So i think that is a good sign. He makes a point to acknowledge my changes. He's not ready to commit, and I now know that it is ok to not be cut and dry, there is room for the in between, bottom line we are happy, Im not going to mess this up unless he begins to go the other direction. As for right now Im going to enjoy the ride.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2010):

blonde30s agony aunti think you should enjoy what you have and go with the flow. dont ask if your his girlfriend as it already seems that you are but he just wants to take it very slow. show him you can do that and see what happens in time.

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (21 November 2010):

QuirkLady agony auntRight now I think you should just go with the flow. You are still rebuilding your relationship and rebuilding trust. He is still watching to see if you have really changed. It's only been a few weeks so please, relax and enjoy the happiness. Have the talk in two or three months.

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A female reader, FloridaCatGirl United States +, writes (21 November 2010):

FloridaCatGirl agony auntHowever you are acting towards him now… don’t stop! He likes to see you positive and upbeat. Like many guys… he is turned off by your insecurity. But this doesn’t mean you should pretend as if it doesn’t exist. Are you doing anything to improve your self esteem or seeing a counselor? And have you figured out the cause of your insecurity?

I would suggest you find a hobby (crafting, sewing, ceramics, etc) to keep your mind busy. When you make things, it gives you sense of accomplishment. Maybe you could find some projects to do with your children. Volunteer work is another gratifying activity. Not only are you helping others in need, but you will go home feeling really good about yourself! If you enjoy animals, you can call the local shelter, humane society, or animal rescue league… and offer your help! Hospitals and nursing homes are also places in need of volunteers to cheer up the patients.

Remember, your boyfriend is not solely in charge of calling all the shots in your relationship. Your opinions and feelings are just as important as his… and don’t forget that! This means you have the right to find out where your relationship stands. Since you have had issues in the past, you need to broach this topic without sounding accusatory or defensive.


ou said, “The only thing I do know is I love being with him, even if we are not "together" but I would love to know how he feels. Am I still his "best friend" or are we a couple.”

You have been together long enough that you should be able to ask him these questions. Whatever you do… do NOT tell him you love being with him, even if you are not “together.” That makes you sound desperate! You are a prize and he should consider himself lucky to have you. Never forget that!

Keep your chin up, and let us know what happens! Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010):

I think he is playing games with you and you allow him to control every situation. If you love him then you need to know what yall both share. ofcourse it's important for you to want to know. If he loves you he should't get mad because you want clarification of your relationship. It seems to me he does not want to label it because at any moment he can just say (we're not a couple anyway).. no boo, never be afraid to ask what you feel you need to know. your feelings are 100% important. a relationship undefined is enough for some people but if it was enough for you, you wouldn't be feeling so unsure. if he ets upset then oh well!! you are a lady and you deserve the love you want and deserve the love of a man who has no problem telling you how much he loves you and expressing to you what you need.. if you're are happy the way things are then im happy for you because everyone desreves that..but if you are not happy and you just need to know where you stand then sweety make a stand and speak your heart!!!! hope this helps..

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 November 2010):

aunt honesty agony auntOk well am guessing you regretted asking him that question in the past. You sound like you are really happy right now and it sounds like he is treating you well and if you are confident that you are the only woman in his life then why dont you just enjoy the time you are spending together now, try not to be insecure or ask him for any title just enjoy every moment and it might show him that you are starting to relax and you are not as insecure anymore and then he might want to get back with you then, it looks like in time you will get your title but remember your insecurities made this guy run away and he is handling with care at the moment because he wants you he just cant put up with you being insecure and that is why he is taking his time, so just enjoy every moment you have, in a month or two if things are still the same then i think you should ask him where you stand.

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