A
female
age
36-40,
*ex
writes:Hi,i need some help. I am 21 and this guy i am attracted to is 36yrs.Dont think he is taking advantage before him i have always dated older men.Recently i found out he is married and he admitted.I was very upset but we are still communicating.He has been having marital problems from the first month of marriage however they just dont seem to want a divorce!They have no kids together.He wants me to be his other lady. I was not brought up this way and am very confused. i live alone,work and doing my degree part time i have major financial problems.i am getting mixed advise.Some say to stay away from him,others tell me to stick around because he can take care of me financially (he is director he owns his own firm.)i dont like him for money, he is so much fun and we have not had intercourse but he makes me feel like no one has before. i want him but i dont know if i should just let go!what to do!!help
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divorce, money, older men Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): agree completely with what everyone here has told you...GET AWAY FROM HIM..he can only mean trouble
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): This guy is having his cake and eating it. He's not going to get divorced with his wife so that means that you are sharing him with his wife, not having him just to yourself like a proper relationship should be. Plus on top of that he is too old for you (even if you don't like that piece of information). Finish this relationship and get with a guy who is single. After all, what's the point of only getting to see this guy when he's not with his wife and he has no plans to leave her whatsoever. You're wasting your time with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Mella  +, writes (21 January 2007):
Hi there,
Is there that much to think about? He is married and he does not want to get divorced, is he that good? What’s in it for you?
Believe me I understand your confusion, love and feelings tend to do that therefore I can juts suggest to deeply think about the situation without "your feelings".
Emotional decisions are not good, take it from me!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): He's married and wants you to be his mistress, you apparently weren't "brought up that way" so it's easy - move on.
Billions of people on the planet. Is this man so spectacular? Of course not. You're young, go out and enjoy life, meet new people. Stop fooling yourself in to thinking this guy is so great, because he's not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Hey,
the only thing I can say is appart from him being married, not willing to be exclusive for you, he is 36. I cannot see a real connection between you too, like he has with his older wife. You connection must be more fun then it is with his wife, he must feel free and young again with you.
I think the reason he does not leave his wife is because he knows it's impossible to have that with you, you have so much to go through still, he experienced so much compared to you. I cannot see a real relatioship with you. if you were 35 and he was 50, maybe it would not be as bad, but still...
Do not hurt yourself much and please do not play with fire like that. What if the wifes finds out... think of her reaction, think of the reactions from friends and familly, you will be perceived as the s****t disturber
get away get away .. and try to date a younger guy, you don't want a dad to depend on, but a soulmate a best friend!
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): You should just let this man go! Period. He is MARRIED, and therefore not free to form any kind of friendship with you. Its bad that he tells you he has been having problems with his wife from the very first month.
But, that is HIS problem; it is not yours. No good can come from associating with him; there is no future in it, and you don't want to be a party to helping him cheat on his wife. If he REALLY wanted you, he would begin taking steps to get a divorce. However, the fact that he says he wants you to be his "other lady" is very bad. He's playing with you, and wants to have it both ways.
It is difficult if you have major financial problems, but can you perhaps take on a part-time job to help yourself until you finish your studies, or get some financial assistance from your parents? Anything would be better (well, ALMOST anything) than hoping he will "provide" for you!
Tell him there is NO WAY you will be his other lady!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): And if he is serious about having a relationship with you and is unhappily married...he'd move out and get a divorce. I wouldn't settle for four years down the road and hoping he is going to follow through on allusory promises.
Stop being self deluded.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): I don't know about you...but back in Kindergarten...my gal pals and I never imagined being someone's side piece. It was I am the mommy, Byron you're my husband and the father...go make us some money so we can go to Mc D's.
You weren't brought up this way so...erego...it's not even an option.
Don't let money and how fun he is be shallow reasons to compromise your integrity.
Ask him for permission from his wife...face to face and then maybe you will consider it.
Yah...dumb isn't it?
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 Money is so unimportant. There are lots of non married guys who can take care of you financially as well, plus you don't need a man for that. Don't go there with this guy. He's married. In situations like this I always ask people to put themselves in the wives' shoes and see if they still think sleeping with a married man is right.
CD
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 January 2007):
 I'll tell you what I tell all the women who post here who are thinking about starting up an affair with a married man. You will have nothing but heartache, sloppy seconds, cold burnt dinners alone, excuses, shame, and guilt. And when you are old and gray and look back on your life that you've wasted, you'll cry. Meanwhile he'll be snuggled up on his couch with the wife and a bowl of popcorn looking at pictures of the grandkids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): Of course he's taking advantage, dear. Why would you think a married man who doesn't want a divorce and is lavishing his attentions on you, not taking advantage? He wants an affair and you want his money! What a pair, you two are. Here's some good advice...and the lowdown on your bf. Firstly, he perfectly okay with being deceitful and dishonest and he's dragged you into an illicit affair, just for his fun.. And really, really important is the fact that he has no qualms about cheating on his wife. Kind of make you think about his less than admirable character, doesn't it. And, what about you? You mention financial problems...is it up to him to bail you out? No it isn't. You made the problem, you deal with it. End this affair and tell yourself, you are a much better person than that. There are a lot of plenty, nice guys out there. Go get your financial problems taken care of the way we all have done it, by working hard and paying them off, on your own...then why not get a nice guy of your own....not someone else's.
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A
female
reader, Alex706 +, writes (18 January 2007):
If you don't like him for his money and you actually like him, would you be happy being the 'other woman'? He is being upfront with you, so if you do stick with him it means that you are never to expect more from him. You're young enough so maybe you are not looking for something serious, but you may want it in the future. In any case, I would be weary of 36 year old rich married man who wants 21 year old girl to be his 'other lady'. I wouldn't have felt that way a few years ago, but now that I'm in my late 20s I know a bloke like that tend to be troublesome. It's up to you young lady, you have the power!
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (18 January 2007):
 You must remember that this guy is married and leave him well alone. Being the bit on the side is not very glamorous and you are interfering with his marriage.
Responsibility is also yours, even though he clearly does not respect his marriage vowels.
How would you feel if you were the wife? Karma will catch up with you sooner or later, treat people the way you wish to be treated, even strangers.
Sounds to me that he is happy being married. Your self esteem will be damaged the longer you allow this to carry on, will you spend Christmas day on your own whilst he plays happy families.
Hope you make the right decision.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (18 January 2007):
 It sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat it. He and his wife don't look like they are going to divorce anytime soon, and has also asked you to be his other woman, or mistress.
I would go with what your friends are telling you, and that would be to stay away from this guy, and get a guy who is not attached.
I know its hard because you have feelings for him, and you have fun together, but invariably these things unfortunately do not come with happy endings, as nine times out of ten the man will choose his wife over the other woman.
Good luck x
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