A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 12 years has been web camping girls for 8 years about anal play, pegging and being dominated. I just found out and have taking it hard. He has even had advertisements for meeting girls. He says it because he didn't think I would love him if I knew about his kinks. Since finding out I tried to be open to his likes. I even went as far as acting out his fantasy. Now 4 months later I catch him watching cd porn, shemale porn, degrading men and woman porn. I feel like I don't know the man I married at all. It gets worse the more I look into his stuff. Is my husband gay or just into weird stuff ? He likes anal play and watching gay porn, am I his cover story? We are literally best friends since school and this news has shattered my world. I feel like I am never going to be enough to keep his satisfied
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 February 2017):
 He has lied and cheated on you your entire relationship so yes off course it is going to be a lot to take in. I doubt he is gay, but he has a lot of fantasies that seem to be incompatible with you. Honestly you need to ask yourself can you forgive him and do you want to work on the marriage? If the answer is no then walk away and if it is yes then get signed up for marriage therapy as you will need to discuss this with a professional so you can try and understand each other.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (19 February 2017):
Your husband is not gay. He is a submissive transvetite, possibly a transsexual. That is who he is it is as much a part of him as his hair color. You might go to couples counseling to see if you can bring yourself to accept this part of him. But you should do that only if he comes clean about who he is and what he wants. Perhaps then the marriage can be saved if that's what YOU want. But for me the camming and advertising to meet women is a very different issue to me that is very close to cheating and I'm not sure how you get past that. Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017): So I don't think it matters so much if he is gay or bisexual or straight. The important fact is that he was advertising to meet other people, and that is cheating. That isn't just the normal kind of cheating (I will say) where two people meet at work and have an attraction and take it too far...that is literally trolling the web looking for a cheating partner. That to me is a lot worse than other forms of cheating which might sometimes be forgiven (wrong place at the wrong time). Not to say cheating is ever right, I am just trying to emphasize that this man you call your husband is actually engaging in the lowest form of low by searching the dirtiest corners of the web to meet up with others. Think of the stds he could bring home. And are you sure he hasn't met up with these people in the past? Of course he is going to tell you that he only advertised but didn't actually meet them...but I wouldn't count on that! He has already shown you how dishonest he is! If he had a kink he had a duty to let you know, not just live a double life. As for his sexual orientation it does sound like he is bisexual as he advertised for females, but also seems to like shemales, etc. Cheating is cheating no matter what and I don't see how you can forgive him. I also would find the degradation fetish scary as it implies violence and things that I wouldn't be comfortable with at all. No no no, I think this is just all too far. I realize he has been a big part of your life. Remember the good, but let him go pursue his kinks elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2017): I first want to ask, what is the quality of your marriage to this man apart from his so-called "kinks"?
Do you have children? Is he kind to you? Does he treat you with the utmost respect, and make you feel extremely loved and adored? Does he make you feel safe and protected? Can you honestly say you trust him?
I'm hardcore about honesty regarding sexual-orientation. I am gay. I hate when men deceive women about their true sexual-attractions. I wouldn't want to discover things about my mate that he has never told me regarding his fetishes and sexual-appetites. I don't like pretenders, detest pedophiles, or undercover-perverts. He had no right hiding such things from his wife, knowing there is no possible way you'd never find-out. Now he's taken a chunk of your life, and spills this all over you. I commend you for trying and being understanding, thus far.
If this marriage doesn't fulfill you completely; then cut your losses. There's a little bit of freak in everybody, but if you can't tolerate what he's doing; you can't keep it in a marriage. Anything that goes against your morals and values do not have to be tolerated or accepted within your marriage. You'll always cringe at the thought.
Sexual-desires and fetishes are very powerful human impulses. If denied the things a person craves sexually; they will seek them secretly. Thereby betraying your trust.
You are heterosexual. You do not enjoy knowing your husband wants to be penetrated; nor should you tolerate that he has sought these things secretly outside your marriage. How can you continue to trust him?
He doesn't have to be gay to like anal-play; but he has to be open and honest with the woman he married. You should have known before he allowed you to take vows; while he had his fingers crossed behind his back. Perhaps you were used as a beard to some degree; but if you had a good sex-life up until now, you can consider that real. Men can't fake-it. We have to maintain an erection until we ejaculate. That's proof of climax and evidence of some sexual-satisfaction.
If all has been good otherwise; and you think you are up to satisfying his unusual pleasures. By all means, stay.
If not, call a lawyer; and initiate legal-separation for a divorce. Make sure his porn is never left anywhere to be found, if you have children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 February 2017):
 I think it's a very uneven relationship, at least sexually.
How is it OK for him to be webcamming and advertise to meet up with other people? How is that OK in a marriage? His excuse was he hid it because you wouldn't like it? And is THAT why you now FEEL like you have to prove him wrong?
OP, WHAT do you get out of this marriage?
You are NOT going to be "enough" no matter what you do. He has made that clear, and honestly? Should you change your preferences and standards to try and please him when HE wouldn't do that for you.
Maybe an open marriage would be better? Or ending it.
Can you STAY married knowing all that you know and still be fulfilled?
I think a LOT of men likes anal without being gay. But all on the gay porn AND shemales? He is not "totally" straight either.
I think it's VERY important to be compatible IN and OUT of bed - not just one or the other. And what you two got, is NOT compatible in the sex department.
How long do you think it will be before he DOES go out and try out some if these things? (if he hasn't already...?)
And OP, don't you find it just a LITTLE off-putting that he BLAMES you for him having advertisements out there and doing all this?
I'll quote you:
"He says it because he didn't think I would love him if I knew about his kinks."
IT's NOT an excuse for his behavior and it doesn't MAKE it OK.
You really have to take a GOOD hard look at WHAT you get out of this marriage and if you are fulfilled or not. He isn't. At least not in the sex dept. and that IS NOT your fault.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 February 2017):
 You should divorce him, but not because he has kinks, because he's been cheating by camming girls and you don't know him any more.
Plenty of hetero men enjoy anal play, so he may or may not be gay. That's actually irrelevant, though.
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