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Engaged, had an affair, new person cheated, yearrrrrs ago... now married w/ pregnant wife and I can't deal with it

Tagged as: Flirting, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing well. It's been a while since I last posted, but I am having some major issues right now. Here it goes, I guess...

Back in 2008 I was in a pretty verbally/physically abusive relationship (about 7 years in at the time). During this time, I met someone online and we got along quite well. I got depressed, and with my boyfriend's permission (since he was leaving for the weekend to help sister move), I invited the online guy over to hang out. Stupid me drank, and ended up not only cheating on my bf, making this online guy the second guy I've ever slept with, AND taking HIS virginity... but we fell kinda in love and FAST. I hid it from my abusive bf and was hoping to get the courage and finances to move out and in with online guy. I couldn't just up and go since my sick mother lived with me and abusive bf and needed her current job and relied on me to help her.

Unfortunately online guy (after telling me he loved me, wanted to marry me, blah blah blah) cheated on me with a random girl he just met at his little 11 year old brother's birthday party and hid it from me. He blamed it on being drunk, but I couldn't get over it since it didn't just end after that night. They continued talking and hiding it from me until she texted him during a visit the following weekend he had seen her thinking he was back at his place instead of visiting me (she knew about me, wtheck?). This relationship started turning sour because I couldn't trust him anymore, and he turned bitter. More and more each day...

Well, I am still in my abusive relationship. But it's kind of improving, thank God. However, I miss the online guy constantly. Ever since we broke up, his face haunts me and my dreams and it's been like 6/7 years! Now he's with another girl, whom he did everything he planned to do with me. The grandmother's ring was on her finger, she lived in the townhome we were going to live in, and then took on his last name. It all happened SO fast, even I couldn't keep up just by looking at facebook occasionally. Now she is pregnant, and it's killing me. I feel like my heart is breaking and pieces are falling off one by one by one.

Am I crazy to let this get to me? I even tried to message him and he didn't respond, so I tried to call. Soon after, he blocked me. How do I cope with this? I'm thinking horrible things I shouldn't think, and wishing bad things to happen to him and his wife and unborn child and I'm not like that!!!! I hurt so bad. It's like a horrible nightmare. That was supposed to be me with him going through everything... not her. :( How do I get through this?

I know this sounds horrible. But I really thought I was getting out of a bad relationship to start new then when he cheated it just ruined me. I can't get over it still... God bless.

View related questions: affair, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, drunk, facebook, grandmother, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntUm well he never actually cheated on you, and you have no need to be angry with him as you are the one that was the cheat and you are the one that was in a relationship. If you feel your partner is abusive then leave him, you do not need to find a replacement before you leave it is okay to be on your own while sorting out your life.

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A female reader, Daisy93 United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2017):

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you've had a rough time.. it must be so hard!

I think you need to get out of the relationship for you, not someone else. If you want to leave you should do that regardless of whether or not you are going straight into a different relationship. Why not be single and see?

I would let online guy go - he's engaged and the fiancé/wife is pregnant. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? His cheating was wrong, but now he sounds pretty settled, and I don't think you should try to mess with that - especially as he blocked you so must be very committed to her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017):

If your ex is so abusive then you need to leave, it doesn't matter if you have a new boyfriend what matters is you get out of the relationship you're so miserable in and move on with your life.

The online guy is over, he has a happy life and is settled with a wife and baby on the way. Trying to contact him after all this time will feel like you're harassing him. Wishing bad things to him, his partner and unborn child is just plain ridiculous. You need to get yourself out of this relationship where you are so unhappy you are imagining your life with someone else and having negative thoughts about the people that person happens to love.

Whatever abuse you're suffering you can recover from. Plan to move in with a trusted friend or family member and pack your things when your bf is out, have someone else with you when you leave and keep yourself safe. You can't spend your life with someone who doesn't make you happy, you deserve better. It sounds like you might need to consider counselling to help you work through your feelings. It is not healthy to obsess over the online guy when he was in your life so long ago now and things ended. Realistically, you were his first and he probably hoped to have some future with you, but you had a bf you were cheating on just to be with him. The online guy would've felt like rubbish that you wouldn't just leave a bf you claimed to hate being with and was abusive and so he of course moved on. He found someone else who didn't have a bf and he could have a normal relationship with and not one that had to be secret. It wasn't meant to be. But now you're older and you will have the strength to leave your abusive partner, you will probably just have to get help from family to do so. Don't waste your life wishing things were different, actually start living your life for you and do things for you that make you happy. It is better to be single than stuck with someone who doesn't care for you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPlease seek therapy. You couldn't be cheated on by the online guy because he was never yours. You need to block him, not try to contact him. You also need to leave your current relationship because it's toxic - even if he's by not abusive any more, your romantic feelings are still very unstable, I'm afraid.

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