A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so here's the deal. It's very difficult for me to write about this, but I am in desperate need of some impartial view of the whole situation. I've been seeing this girl for the last five months, almost on a daily basis. Every time we are together, we have great time. We are deeply in love, and have moved our acquaintanceship to a more intimate level. But the problem is that she is in a relationship, has been for 9 years, but her boyfriend found her messages in her cell phone, read them all, and now they have been arguing for a week or so. They have been living in the same flat for the last 7 years. She has already called her parents about moving back to her old place, saying she wants to start anew with me (sth she has been saying now for a very long time). For the last week or so, she has been very slowly making preparations to move to her own place. Her parents tidied her old room, everything is ready, only she suddenly started to feel mental reservations about the whole thing. She keeps talking to her boyfriend for hours and hours, they are obviously still sleeping in the same bed, she told me she wants to clear up everything from their mutual past (they have had a very hectic relationship, as a result she's become a mental wreck, doing everything to comply with her boyfriend's wishes... all in all it was a very turbulent relationship and she is a kind of a person who needs peace, something I am willing to enable to her). Ok, I said, if you two have to talk, then talk, just keep on making the preparations about going away. She's crying a lot, sometimes in the midst of sobbing she says she can't leave him nor the place, she's very attached to both.Yesterday was supposed to be D-day, we've made all the arrangements for her to finally move from that place, but again she wasn't able to carry it out. She talked to her boyfriend, sorting things out between them. When I talked to her in the morning, she said that she'll try her best to end it today but that she cannot make any binding promises. She just said that I just have to wait for her to be prepared to fly from her nest, that I cannot do nothing, just have to be patient, understanding and supportive. I have no problems with her arguments, I just want to hope that she means it the way she says she does. She is being reaffirming every single time we talk, she just asks me to be patient. I do trust her, just this waiting is killing me, I am doing my best to remain patient.What do you think is going on? Is she really prepared to make this step? I am willing to wait for as long as she wants, I am not rushing her (although it makes me a bit nervous when I don't hear from her for a day or two, when she cannot call me because her boyfriend is next to her). I am being patient. What say you? I thank you for your answers in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Maybe she does in fact like you. It sounds as though she does.
But, she's been in a relationship with her bf for nine years
and doesn't feel she can give him up.
What are the chances that she WILL sooner or later, make a definitive break with him and be with you?
Right off hand I'd say slim to none.
I'm sorry.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Here you are.... "boyfriend" to a girl who already HAS a "boyfriend." Not a great situation to be in. Consider that.... if you and she DO, eventually, become "B/F-G/F" then you know that she doesn't take that situation - with its "baggage" of being faithful - very seriously.....
Then, consider this, which you wrote: "What do you think is going on? Is she really prepared to make this step? "
I think that she's happy to keep you on the hook.... whilest SHE really hasn't got the gumption to pull the trigger and move away from her REAL "boyfriend".....
If'n I were you.... I'd sit her down and say: "Hunchy bunchy, I see that you have a dilemma about choosing from between two guys who you fancy (and who fancy you). I don't want to make it too easy for you to reconcile such a dilemma.... so I'm going to part ways with you for AT LEAST 90 days. During that time...YOU decide who you are and who you want for a boyfriend. IF it's me... then let me know, and I MAY be waiting in the wings (NO promises... since you may find a REAL "G/F" in the meanwhile)!!!! If it's HIM... then good luck to the two of you as you proceed through life..."
Tell her "Good luck" and turn and walk away.....
In 90 days, you will know - for sure - where you and she stand... I GUARANTEE IT!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (9 March 2013):
 Sounds like she wants both of you. Why are you prepared to be with someone who is in a relationship and sleeping with someone else? Don't you want a girlfriend of your own? Even if she leaves this guy whats to say she won't cheat again.
Either be content with being the bit on the side or walk away.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 I think she is sincere about her intentions with you, and she isn't deliberately trying to string you along, if that's part of what you're asking. However she is not being entirely honest or realistic with herself.
She has spent nearly a decade with another man, supressing who she is and putting his wants ahead of hers. What she desperately needs and craves is freedom. But she is afraid of having too much of it too soon. And she's afraid of losing whatever control she thinks she has left. Once she leaves him, the power is out of her hands. He might not ever take her back if things don't work out with you.
If it were well and truly over between them what loose ends is she trying to tie up? If they don't have children, they don't own property or other investments together there isn't much left to talk about. I understand trying to part on as positive a note as possible, but she seems to be seeking his blessing for leaving. That does not mean she's still in love with him (I suspect she has no romantic interest in him at this point), but she does still care very much about what he thinks. That's an awful lot of caring for someone you have no reason to ever see or speak to again, isn't it?
To her, you are a breath of fresh air, an escape from her current troubles, a hint of future possibilities, a source of security, and a sort of methadone if and when she does leave her boyfriend.
I suggest you not jump into anything serious or official. It may be a couple of years before she is really ready. Move too quickly and the most likely outcomes will be: she repeats the same cycle with you, putting your wants and needs ahead of hers to avoid being alone, to prevent you from thinking she played you, and to repay you for having waited for her. OR she regains some of her confidence and enjoys her new found freedom then resents you for infringing upon it. Or some combination of the two.
You're a single man and she is not a single woman. Proceed at your own risk.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 I think you could be waiting for a long time. Make it, forever.
And I think that this is the problem with being with a cheater, you can't trust trust, you can never be sure they are telling you the truth. Because obviously they are good at hiding the truth if it's convenient to them. Same as she has successfully been hiding the truth about you to her boyfriend for the last 4 and a half months, so she would be able to string you along for that much time and more about moving out.
Also, it is not really THAT difficult to let go of something that's over and done, if it IS over and done. Sure, 9 years is a long time, ...but not so long that you can't detach yourself from a man you are sick and tired of. You know when there's a big problem ? when you have no money and nowhere else to go. But , if she does not totally depend from this guy for money, and she has can go live at her parents', what's the delay about ?
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