A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend was molested as a child. The even crazier thing is I suspect it was by his own parents. The first time I thought something was weird was because he told me he knew about sexual acts at a very pre mature age. He said when he was young he used to insert things in his butt for pleasure. I asked how he knew about that as a kid. Kid's only know stuff like that if someone introduced them to it. He said he didn't know. Then on another occasion he told me he used to pee himself as a child (often at school) because he was terrified of going to the bathroom. I asked why he was so scared of the bathroom he said he didn't know. He was scared of going in public. He also said around age two or three he used to play in his porch where there was this inflatable toy that would inflate with the wind. He said he was terrified of it because he thought it was the devil. I asked how he knew what the devil was at such a young age? That's another concept kids would only know if someone introduced them to it. He didn't know. (I know when children are molested, they get threatened with "evil" things if they ever tell.)Then it got creepier. He told me as a little boy he had some sort of rash or infection in his butt and he remembers his dad putting an ointment in his butt. He said he even remembers his dad really getting in there. He said his sister (who is older) walked in on this and freaked out and ran out of the room. He then said he always wondered why his sister freaked out. He asked her as an adult and she brushed it off and said it was nothing...Did she catch the dad with his pants down? Was it a finger he was inserting or something else? What did the sister see that freaked her out? And if he really was "applying an ointment" for an infection, why was the dad doing this? That's a mom's job...I didn't even know what to say I felt nauseated. But I also felt like it was a cry for help. What ties even more to this is that I have always noticed his parents are overly protective of him to the point that it is bizarre. They are way too involved in his life, they jerk him around, manipulate and control him. They are very afraid of him developing close bonds with other people that is not them. I always felt it was because they were hiding something. It was my gut feeling even before he told me about all this. Him developing close bonds outside of the family would mean the potential of disclosing family secrets that could ruin their lives. And if his dad did something I know his mom knows, probably one of those who turned a blind eye. He didn't get into details, but he claims his whole life he has told his parents when something was "wrong" and they would usually ignore his concern. They used to say he was "too sensitive." So say if he had brought up something to his mom about his dad, she most likely would've covered for the dad and told my boyfriend he was being "sensitive" or "paranoid." As much as it is clear he does want to uncover these things from his past, he also is afraid of severing ties with his parents. He is very close to them. But I think that has more to do with the control they have over him. They are constantly misguiding him and misinforming him for their own self serving purpose. They've been telling him what to do his whole life and he is afraid to confront them, maybe for fear of losing them. Does this sound like child abuse? And what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I applaud you for showing some courage to recognize what may well be the case.
But don't push him.
Never be confronting.
It hurts, but he has to feel safe and comfortable before he can reveal more, or reveal anything.
Slowly and with great trust (which you will earn if you do it the right way) he will, in his own time, possibly reveal a little at a time. Always waiting to see if you are too disgusted. At which point he will clam up.
This site can give you some support to help you approach things the right way. The site is www.rainn.org
Initially he may be in denial and try to hide his pain. Often the worst of it is pushed to the back of victims mind and he may put on a lovely calm face as if there is no problem.
Yes, abusers will find all manner of excuses. Looking for worms (you don't need to look - if a child is itching you get the right medicine). Or assisting with constipation (not one needs to insert things in a child - there are plenty of things to help with constipation including drinking plenty of water and introducing more vegetables and fruit to the diet.)
And then there are the adults who do not protect the child. I don't blame his sister. She was probably told that she was in the wrong for freaking out by her parents.
I think a parent who fails to protect their child when the other parent is abusing the child is reprehensible.
If and when he does ever (instigated and initiated by him) tell you about the abuse it is very important that you remind him the following. (and say it as often as you need to as the message will take a while to sink in)
1. Any child under the age of legal consent CANNOT give consent legally to ANY sexual activity.
2. In any situation where and adult uses and abuses a child for the sexual pleasure of the adult then the child is entirely INNOCENT of any wrong doing. All the BLAME belongs to the adult.
2. Any adult who grooms a child to soften them up for sexual abuse - it is the ADULT who is entirely to BLAME, not the child. The child is innocent.
3. Any adult, (in an effort to use a child for the adult's sexual pleasure and MANIPULATES the child with gifts, promises and threats to harm and physical abuse) is SOLELY TO BLAME for any sexual activity that occurs between the adult and the child.
It is very important that you react in a supportive way.
If you act too disgusted (such as, "that is the most disgusting revolting thing I have ever year. Oh I feel sick. What were you thinking?" WRONG WRONG WRONG.
If you MAXIMISE then he will not be able to share any more with you. MAXIMISING is the wrong thing to do. Maximising is over-exaggerating your reaction to hearing about the abuse, where he tells you about some abuse. He's held it in a long time and if you react by MAXIMISING then all the drama and reaction is coming from you and it is way over the response he needs. He needs you calm and quiet and responsive in a gentle way and he needs you to listen. He is looking to see if you still respect him. Because deep down inside he thinks he is to blame for what happened and this is just NOT true.
But MINIMISING is wrong too. That is where you listen but you think it is so trivial that you hurt him by your reaction. For example, "Gee, that's just too bad, but you’re OK now. Pull up your sox, get a life. That's not really bad because my friend had something much worse happen. Gee her dog had puppies and her Mom made a cake and messed up the recipe. Now that was really bad. Hey light up, you'll get over it"
MINIMISING IS SO WRONG. It fails to respect the victim. The victim stops sharing anymore and often fails to get help as well. And thinks that they deserved to be hurt. When this is NOT TRUE.
Once he starts revealing things to you it is important that he has access to a professional therapist skilled in dealing with sexual abuse of a child (who may be grown up now, but the pain of the abuse needs to be managed by a professional.
So try not to act shocked, disgusted nor nauseated.
Instead stay very calm. Let him do most of the talking. But keep the situation calm. And keep on encouraging him. Such as ".... (his name) that sounds like it was a very mean situation for (abuser's name) to put you in. I am so sorry you had to suffer this. Do you think you could talk to your therapist ..... (name) about this needs to now this? Because I think the therapist neds to hear what you had to put up with. Your therapist can help you."
Sounds like he is starting to trust you. Which is good.
His parents stay close as they possibly terrified that he will tell all one day. And they are hoping to shut down any talk of abuse. Sounds very tough in the circumstances but at this stage never try to confront them. THAT would take away his power, which he may wish to exercise one day, or he may not, to confront his parents at his own pace and when he feels utterly comfortable.
Of course some parents who would never abuse are also over-protective for a variety of reason. And not be abusers/
Hah the old argument about being "too sensitive". What a complete put down. Ignore that Furphy from them. It is meant to undermine his confidence in himself.
Since the father is probably not a fully qualified psychiatrist he is thus not trained to recognize and diagnose mental health issues. Ignore the Dad's attempts to undermine and hurt the son..
If he gets the right level of therapy he can be helped to develop a relationship that is more equitable with his parents. As long as they admit their complicity and agree that they failed to adequately support and keep safe, their own son.
His parents do indeed sound scared of the complications that might might emerge I would guess that his self-esteem is low too and needs some TLC and some positive nurturing..
1. Keep on listening to him
2. Don't express anger to his parents - you may be the best thing to ever happen to him. He still loves his parents, even despite things that happened.
3. Talk about the need for a medical check-up.
4. Check out rainn.org for whatever free counselling is available.
5. It is too early to confront his parents.
6. First he needs some support and backup support.
7. And you need to do some nice support for you.
Later on (much later on) it would help if his parents sought some therapy to help them understand what they did to their son. And why it is so WRONG.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): I'm the OP. Just wanted to add one more thing.About his dad applying some ointment for an "anal rash." I do not believe you are supposed to stick your finger all the way inside the butthole. For rashes you are supposed to lubricate the area in the extremities. If he did have a rash, their physician would've given them specific instructions which I doubt included fingering his butt. It's like if my dad was applying an ointment in my vaginal area and sticking his finger up my vagina. Maybe it's normal?! I find it weird and not protocol. Furthermore, I guess my dad always let my mom take care of things dealing with private areas. (My dad is in the medical field and wouldn't even feel comfortable doing surgery on his own children). Secondly, I have seen aunts and my mom do that to babies and it never scared me or anybody. Nobody went running out the door. It was done in plain sight not by themselves behind closed doors. And you apply stuff like that in the extremities not deep into the body part. Thirdly, my boyfriend mentioned it while talking about stuff from his past that were still bothering him today and causing him anxiety...so it raised an eyebrow and I felt compelled to ask...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Hey guys I'm the OP. Thank you for the responses!I guess I should've elaborated a little better. He had always told me his dad gives him anxiety, ever since I first met him. I figured, hey who's parents don't? He had always mentioned his dad acts weird around friends of his that are girls (making inappropriate comments often sexual in nature). At first I just figured his dad was just an odd ball. But didn't think anything of it.Throughout our relationship he always mentioned he wanted to see a therapist. He said he had alot of "anxiety" and mood swings his whole life but didn't know why. I asked if he had ever talked to his parents about it, he said he had but they would brush it off and tell him he'll feel better if he "go take a walk." I asked why his parents wouldn't want him to see a therapist and he said his parents are afraid of uncovering certain truths. Basically said they are in denial but never fully elaborated about what. Then later on in our relationship he opened up and told me about these occurrences that I mentioned in my post. He mentioned it while we were on the topic of his struggle with anxiety/mood swings. A friend of mine recommended a therapist and he called to make an appointment. He spoke to a counselor who asked him a bunch of questions to pair him with the right therapist for his needs. I spoke to him after this and asked him how it went. He said, "You know what's weird? As I was talking to the therapist she seemed very interested in my relationship with my dad. As I was telling her about my life, she would always go back to my dad, wanting to know more." He was very intrigued and weirded out by that. If something happened to him, he suspects something is off, but he doesn't straight out know. He feels something is not right but I don't think he knows how to elaborate it or even what it is. Unfortunately he never went back to the therapist. I agree with all of you that he needs to man up and confront this himself. And I should probably stay out of it. But when someone is coming to me in what I believe is asking for help, I can't turn my back. I will continue to be there for him and encourage him to seek therapy, at least.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Ya know as a kid I remember lots of things that I'm sure if you asked my parents, happened differently to them then it did to me.
I sense you are seeking to find an explanation for something going on in real life now with him. If so, that's one thing.
I will tell you that BABIES masturbate. Hands in diapers... little boys more than little girls but all kids will touch themselves because it feels good... no one has to TEACH THEM.
I don't recall being taught about sex, I just always knew about it... my kids too, they are 27 and 29 and neither can tell you WHEN they learned about sex as they just always knew about it.
they also learned about their religion from day one as it was just ALWAYS there.
as for a dad putting cream on a child... WHY is this the MOTHERS job? My kids father was VERY much a diaper changer, a bather, a feeder, a boo-boo fixer...
what goes ON NOW in your sexual life with this man that makes you wonder...
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (3 June 2013):
 I don't think it's right for you to go searching for possible traumas that may or may not have happened in your boyfriend's past.I'm sure you mean well, but digging for something that you don't know is there is just nonsensical and will cause more problems than it will solve. Worst case scenario YOU will be the one to cause your boyfriend trauma by creating false memories and/or causing him the turmoil that comes with having a million questions about his own past.I had an ex-boyfriend who was convinced that I was abused my father or another authority figure. I wasn't, but his constantly pushing that idea on me really started to gnaw at me and ultimately broke me down to the point that I was like putty in my ex's hands. Like I said, I'm sure that you mean well whereas my ex was just a manipulative piece of sh*t, but your intent doesn't really matter.Leave it alone, and stop judging your boyfriend's relationship with his parents. If it's not healthy, that's for him to realize and fix NOT you.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 None of that stuff has to mean anything. Kids are fascinated by their genitalia and they are also fascinated with putting things in holes. I don't think they need to be taught/shown that. I'm pretty sure my parents never taught my sister to put things up her nose, yet they had to go to the hospital with her three times to extract various random items from there. Different and more accessible, I know, but it's just another orifice. To be honest if I were you I would be kind of creeped out that he shares that kind of stuff with you. Maybe I'm a prude but it would put me off a little. Your boyfriend hasn't told you that he was abused so you need to drop this. In any case, you can't tell anyone about your suspicions because child abuse is a very serious accusation, about as serious as it gets, and you would ruin their lives.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 I had a child who would not use a toilet unless it was pristine white .... stainless steel loos found in places where the public might be, such as parks and other attractions were the most scary to her ... it curtailed our weekends a little.
As for the application of ointment, it is the job of a parent, or maybe a close relative like a grandparent or aunt (cant see my kid's uncles agreeing to do it), not just a mother.
As for his parents misguiding and misinforming him, what age is he? Is he working, what sort of job does he have?
I am wondering if his problem could be a little more basic than child abuse and more to do with a lack of being able to make decisions or think for himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Honestly, you're the one that sounds strange. I don't see any indication of abuse from what you've said. Why wouldn't his dad apply ointment to him??? Why is that his mom's job?It sounds like you don't like the degree of control he allows his parents to have in his life and you're twisting it around.For the record, I was not molested as a child and I remember masturbating at about the age of two. (I probably did it before then, but I can't remember any earlier than two.) Also, I do remember what evil was from freaking fairy tales. You know Hansel and Gretel, etc.I think you need to stop worrying about your boyfriend and start worrying about why you jump to extremes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): Unless you're a licensed clinical psychologist or psychotherapist; you may not want to be sticking your nose too deep into his psychological history. Your suspicions may be totally off-track, and you could be opening a can of worms. Even if you're correct, what can you do about it; if he doesn't want to deal with it?If he hasn't done anything about it by now, it's really none of your business. He's a strange guy, and you've been invited into his creepy world.He shared some peculiar information with you, and you should just store it in the back of your mind. Access this information only should the possibility of marriage arise. Then you can make a sound decision; if you're able to handle the live reality version of "Adam's Family."It would be in your best interest to simply write the entire family off as "weird;" and leave psycho-analysis to the professionals.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 You know your boyfriend is weird, what kind of weird you don't know so you are trying to dig for answers. However it does not sound like child abuse for me. It sounds like he needed a lot of extra help growing up and he is not done growing up yet.
His sister freaked out because a butt infection is not a pleasant thing and usually children are taught not to look at private parts. His dad helped him insert the medicine and he discovered pleasure by accident.
Children two or three can be scared of boogey man, devil, whatever you call it. Again, nothing unusual here.
I was scared of public toilets. When I was 2 my parents had to drive me home from a party just because I refused to go to a toilet that was not mine. I held it and my face was red and I was screaming. There was nothing my parents could do but drive me home for a few miles.
Children pick up sexual things on TV. Not all but some understand what it's about, to some extent. They can be presexualized without sexual abuse.
He says, she says. You are speculating a lot based on pieces of jigsaw puzzles you gathered from his early life. There are not enough concrete, real life examples to know what's going on. I think you need time to experience your relationship with him, and also with the parents to make a better judgment. You only told us stuff when he was a little boy. How was he as a teenager and twenty something? The most important thing is that he can have a healthy relationship with you.
Ask him if he's implying anything by talking about this obsession (or is it even?). Some sexual abuse survivors had a memory blockage. Most kids can't remember things before 3 years. Besides that, did he forget part of his childhood? What is his purpose of sharing these things with you, just to explain why he likes inserting stuff in his anus, or does he not filter things which gross you out?
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