A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel terrible. I do not know what to do. I have accused my girlfriend time after time after time of looking at other men and she always insists that she doesn't. But I see her looking around whenever we are outside, so she has to be judging and looking at other men, doesn't she? Last night we had a huge argument because she told me that she was looking at the cars at an intersection but there was also a couple dressed for Halloween and I think she likes the guy - but she says she has never seen him.Then thirty minutes later I asked her again what she was looking at and she explained that she thinks that i have an illness called conjugal paranoia and she started shouting - which, if I have a disease, why would she not try to help me? We've been together for a year and a half and I can't stop thinking that she's looking at other men and I always tell her that she is and she gets really angry and blah blah blah, says it hurts her, blah blah blah, it disrespects her, blah blah blah. Do you think she is? She's promised that she is honest with me and that she loves me and when there are people outside, she sees them as people, not as men or women, but people who are in the surrounding environment. I called her a "Caliente Polla" last night, which means that she loves attention from men and makes their d*cks hot and she just stopped speaking to me - because she knows that's how she is, right? In Spain, my country, women do not look at other men. She is American and that's where we are now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): You mean she gawks at other men. Of course girls will always gawk at other men and guys get overly emotionally attached.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): In both Spain and America, women who ogle other men in front of their man get whacked but women always do it anyway because they love jealous, possessive men.
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 You are extremely jealous, insecure and out of touch with reality. Stop obsessing over unimportant things, and start focusing on what really matters. Does she love you? Do you love her? Or is love not important in your relationship? Is only your obssessive thoughts important? Also, by the way, if she went as far as to actually find the term "conjugal paranoia" then that is probably because out of desperation she had to go looking for help on how to deal with people like you, and in medical articles that is the term used "conjugal paranoia" People are not usually taught this terminology is everyday life. So I highly believe that not only is your wife telling the truth, but you need psychological counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): To Mariclere, as every human been, also in Spain girls look at guys....I am sure you have seen it in Spain, what's a pitty nobody was looking at you, and that makes you so acid as you seems...however I think this guy wanted some suggestion regarding the fact if it is normal that a girl being in a relationship looks also at other guy....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): So then it means she's lying to me, right?
When she says she doesn't look at other men, when she says that she just sees people and does not judge them because she is with me so why would she judge someone else when she has a boyfriend blah blah blah, that's what she says.
...............................
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Women don't look at men in Spain? I imagine they don't fart or belch there either. So do the men in Spain never admire the female form? Has anybody told you about Santa and the Easter bunny yet?
You will have to pardon me for being extremely flip about this one but you really need to lighten up and open your eyes to the reality of the sexes because you are rather off base senior.
Women look at men. Men look at women. Women like sex. Men like sex too (duh). Do you know what this amounts to? Absolutely nothing unless it is acted upon.
Why dont you ask her what she admires with out getting all bent out of shape next time? Now wouldn't that be a show of huevos!
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 "I can't stop thinking that she's looking at other men"
It sounds like you have obsessive jealousy. It's a serious problem where you imagine your partner is doing things that she's not. This can also be called 'delusional jealousy', 'morbid jealousy' or sometimes 'othello syndrome'.
From what you say it sounds very much like this is the case. This will probably be driving both you and your girlfriend crazy! You will continually be thinking that she is focussing on other men, and she will be getting increasingly upset with your accusations. It will end up destroying your relationship.
You have to recognize that it is YOUR problem, and that you are over-reacting. I can also warn you that she will not stay with you if you continue with this. I can also warn you that if you do not solve it, it will appear in other future relationships you have.
Here's a few things to bear in mind:
- Of course she 'looks' at other men. Humans have eyes and we use them. Everywhere on the street are men and women, and when we are out we look at them. This is completely normal, and natural, and healthy.
- Everyone likes to be thought of as attractive. We all like a little bit of attention from others. This is also normal, and there is nothing wrong with it.
- You cannot control these two things, nor should you want to. Instead you have to understand that this is how the world is and how people are, and accept it. Yes it sometimes is not how you want it, but that is life.
- You said that in Spain 'women do not look at other men'. Sorry but this is complete nonsense. I have Spanish friends and have visited Spain several times. Like EVERY other country in the world, people look at each other, flirt, and do all the other things that people normally do.
- Understand that obsessive jealousy is a form of temporary insanity. It will make you see things that are not there, and believe things that are not true, even though to you at the time they seem very obvious. Right now you are a little bit crazy. The good news is that this is temporary, if you cope with the jealousy the insanity goes away. But right now you must not trust your instincts or perceptions in this area: they are broken.
So, you have to come to terms with your own obsessive jealousy. The first thing to do is stop accusing her. Then you have to realize that each time you have these feelings, they are based on your imagination, not reality. This is a very hard thing to do. You may want to consider therapy to discuss this. It can be very hard to help yourself in this situation. If so, I recommend a male therapist. Sometimes just understanding that you are being obsessively jealousy (and reading about it and how it works) may be enough for you to escape. But if not, make sure you ask for help from a professional.
Here is an article on it. If you google 'obsessive jealousy' you will find a lot more.
http://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/Obsessive_jealousy_a267_f3.html
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): I think it is really low class of you to say that comment to your girlfriend. And use the "D" word. Total lack of respect for women!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Oh my god, I used to have a boyfriend with this paranoia, and I cannot tell you how frustrating it is!! Whenever we went out anywhere, if he thought I was even looking in the general direction of another guy he would accuse me of wanting sex with him. It got to the point where I would just stare at the ground whenever we went out so he wouldnt find a reason to have a go at me. But THEN of course the paranoia didn't go away, it just developed and he began accusing me of looking at guys on tv and in magazines, just making my life miserable. So do you know what i did? I eventually dumped him, and I have never looked back. No one should have to live that way.If you want to prevent the same thing happening in your relationship, I suggest that you accept the paranoia is a problem with YOU not HER, and then your halfway to adressing the issue. People look around, they see other people, it does not mean their evaluating them in a sexual way - so unless you want your girlfriend walking round with a blindfold on or staring at the floor like i had to, you should start fixing this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Melys  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Just because she may look at the opposite sex, doesn't mean to say she wants someone else! she's just appreciating beauty! Which is the reason why she was attracted her to you in the first place! I bet you look at other girls? but it doesn't make you want to go off with another one does it? It's only looking and it's harmless. Have a bit of confidence....Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 I think the fact that you explained her feelings by saying 'blah blah blah' means you're not really listening to her. The differences between your cultures might be causing a problem but even if she is gazing at other men, people look at everything around them, it doesnt mean she's looking at them any differently than if she were looking at a tree. If she says she's not looking, then you should respect that opinion and show her feelings more respect than 'blah blah blah'.
I'm sure she stopped talking to you when you called her a "caliente polla" last night because it was rude and offensive and there's only so many ways you can try to convince somebody that you aren't doing anything wrong.
If she was so obsessed with attention from other men, why would she be with you, when she could just as easily be with all of them? You need to stop being so paranoid and give her the benefit of the doubt.
...............................
|
