A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Doesn't make a bad wife that I don't want to travel with my husband anymore, and more...I don't really want to involve Him in my socialiZing anymore also. We are married for 23 years. I married very very young right after high school, had a child soon and was stay at home mom for 18 years. Now my daughter is independent, grown up and she left our house almost 5 years ago.I started traveling by myself at around that time, and feel more alive than ever during my travels. This year I travelled without my husband 3 times in total of 5 weeks, and I still can't get over the fact how much I enjoyed myself. For 2 weeks out this 5 I was with girlfriends and we had a blast, but even by myself I was so much in piece and calm, and very very happy that I never felt like this when I am with my husband. We went to Spain first in May for 2 weeks together, and we argued about different issues 3-4 times every day. By the end of the trip I wish I never took this trip with Him again. He made me so distraught that I went through my sleeping pills that I sometimes take with me on my trip to get over jet leg very fast.Traveling with him is a struggle. He runs in front me the whole time sometimes disappearing from my sight for long periods of times taking endless pictures. He walks and walks and totally ignores my bleeding feet. He refuses take taxis, though we can easily afford it. He never wants to go out at night, because he never takes a break during day, and then of course he gets tired at night. He gets nervous when we get lost though for me it's a very common thing when you travel. I plan the whole trip from beginning to end, including all reservations, he never has any opinion about how to proceed. Overall, vacations with him are easily forgetted, all I remember is stress. Also socializing. Since my daughter left I accumulated quite a bit of hobbies. I belong to 2 international clubs where I meet people who speak a foreign language I learned and who travel like me. I really enjoy meeting them for lunches, happy hours and dinners. We talk in the language unknown to him, and he basically has nothing to do but just sit there. I also have now quite a bit of girlfriends with whom I have ladies nights out, and we celebrate each others birthdays, and go to concerts. Because he never has any initiative to offer something to do on weekends, i have an impression that all he want to do just stay In when he is not at work. We have a family business now that we both run, I work as much as him, but he seems to never want to do anything but come home from work and stay in even on weekends.Also when we manage to do things with him together there is always some argument involved. It takes all the pleasure and fun out of outings, and frankly I don't see the point of doing things with him if doesn't bring us any pleasure. In a regular life like working and doing things around the house all is fine. Going to the beach is also fine, but other than that it's always a small disaster. 3 years ago I stopped visiting his family that lives abroad, after he repeatedly was argumentative and rude with me. I told his sister honesty when she asked me why I don't visit them anymore, that her brother needs to learn how to to talk to me normally in front of them. They don't ask anymore. I am still the one who books his trip, and buy presents for the whole family but that's it. Since I keep on going to dinners with my friends without him, and travel without him, I started getting comments from different people about how my husband reacts to this. I said, he is fine, which he is. Seems like not only he doesn't mind my outings and travelings but he likes when he is left alone. These comments started to make me feel a bit bad about my separate life from him. Though we have a habit of traveling together once a year, I started seriously thinking of just travel by myself 100% and let him do his own thing. I also asked my daughter how she feels about it, and she said that I should do what I want and what makes me feel happy. But my question is in general understanding does it make me a bad wife to separate like this from my husband or it's a totally normal thing to do for many couples after certain years spent together?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): Fem.anon. I think you need to read my post more care fully: we have business together and equally work there together. Also when people are in marriage there is no division of money. If your father was so unapppy to support our mother he should leave. Your mother did what she could and raised you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): Have you tried talking to your husband about why he is so grouchy and what will happen, in the longer term, if he doesn't try to make some friends and overcome his defensiveness (grouchy people are usually insecure and frightened underneath)? Many men of around his age have problems making new friends and end up grumpy and isolated and territorial. My next door neighbour used to be like that and was driving his wife nuts, until she finally persuaded him to join a choir. At first he was really grumpy about it, until he realised the choir people were not going to judge him and just accepted him. Then he slowly came out of his shell and began to transform into a happy, generous and funny man. Lots of men take this option and there are male voice choirs.If he's not a singer, then is there some other group he could get involved in?Or does he need counselling? If he is shutting himself off and isolating this suggests he really does need help for underlying issues and depression.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): This OP, thanks again all of you for answering. We do other things together of course, we run business together , so we see each ther most of the day, it's not a problem because heis doing his things, and I do mine.
As I mentioned before we goto the beach couple times a month on Sundays. But again it's only wheni offer. Then when our common friends invite us we go. Concerts very rarely, couple times a year.
The thingis ifi don't travel with him, he won't go with anyone else. When we were young and penniless all we talked about how when we have enough means we will be travelling. And when we could afford it, we did travel and it was fine in a beginning, but then endless arguments started.
We were supposed to go n Thanksgiving to see our daughters boyfriend's family and I refused to go with him because of his grouch ness.
He is also pretty untisocial to me, no friends, never calls anyone, when I go away, our friends tell me that they never can reach him, he never answers his phone, and never calls back. Honestly I worry about him a bit in this aspect. He isolates himself and this is not good, but I also don't want to sacrifice my vacations and be around always grouchy person.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 It's not right or wrong as such, but do you spend lots of other time doing things together? Do you have shared goals? Are you looking forward to things in the future together?
If you are, then fine. If you're not, this does not bode well. But you can address this.
Relationships are all about finding the right balance - you need quality time together and time apart too. You need to retain your own personality and identity, as well as an identity as a couple. Don't do one and neglect the other. As long as you're not neglecting the other, I don't see a problem with what you're saying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): I am really glad I found your post.My fiancé, I am widowed, loves to travel a lot. My late husband never wanted to go anywhere and we didn't. I love to travel too but I also like being home. I like a good balance.That being said, my fiancé gets irritated if I pack too much and I admit I do but I like my bases covered for the weather changes. He also takes endless pictures which I find annoying. There are so many photo bomb's of me and it doesn't help that I am getting older. He also does all the driving and planning of the trips. We rise early, always, when I would rather sleep in and make it a slow day now and then. He is always on the fast track and it's go, go, go, squeeze everything in. By the time I get home, I am irritated and exhausted. It's really no fun for me and then there is the massive amount of washing and drying clothes afterwards.He has paid for the trips that are local in our state to destinations we can drive to where he wants to go.The bigger trips, like a cruises, etc., we split equally.Actually, I like being more independent, and would rather drive or fly somewhere myself and go it alone or be with my girlfriends or join a travel group. I feel I would have more fun time and not be so stressed.There are places I want to go to, that he doesn't, like the Kentucky Derby or to Europe. He says to me, Bye, See ya then, if I want to do that. Fortunately, I have the funds to do so if I want to take an independent trip. So far, I haven't and I wonder what I have been waiting for.You have different travel interests and you are developing other interests outside the home and I think that is wonderful.It appears you are still doing things together as husband and wife to maintain the relationship.I say travel now, because as we get older, we may not be as mobile. Do it while you are able and if that means doing it alone and it makes you happy, then so be it. Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 October 2014):
 My husband hates to travel. If he was to choose we would stay put and wait for people to come visit. I like to explore and see new places and re-visit olds ones.
We took the kids to a huge interactive museum a while back - and after 2 hours he announced that he was done. We had seen maybe 1/4 of it. And that is ANNOYING. A 2 hour drive each way I get that, but just because HE is done doesn't mean ALL of us were. So I found a Barnes and Nobles that was 5 minutes from the museum and sent him there. We took another 2 hours at the museum before picking him up and going out to dinner. Problem solved. But this is the standard with my husband. Has been since I met him. When HE is done, everyone else is expected to fall into place.. might be his past as a senior NCP in the Army, I don't know, but he should have learned by now (you would think...) that his family are NOT his recruits or privates.
He also hates the beach, so I take the kids 90% of the time, while he get some "me" time. And I don't mind, he don't mind.
If YOU are OK with this and your husband is OK with it, then go for it. Tell them you BOTH enjoy having things to explore with and without each other. It gives you both great stuff for conversations.
If we had the money I'd probably drag my kids all over Europe and leave my husband at home or at my/his Dad. And you know what? I wouldn't feel bad at all.
FInd things you two enjoy together as well. Because it's great that you are having the time of your life, but.. you are sharing that life with someone... your husband.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 October 2014):
 "Sounds" to me like you and he are morphing from husband and wife, to roommates who live together only because you have done so for a long time, and it's convenient....
YOU need to measure what you HAVE in your marriage.... what you WANT in a marriage... What you HAVE in your roommate arrangement (relative to the other two alternatives)... and THEN you need to decide what you want for YOU LIFE..... Select that which matches this last options the closest.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Do you really have to remind me about our trip to Spain with my parents this summer? My dad was carrying thousand dollars worth of camera, two lens too. My mom carried one and they went separate ways and got lost. My son was complaining the whole time not knowing what he's waiting for.
No you are not a bad wife. He is more of a home body. I noticed that it's always the women planning details on the trips and then the men get pissed off by little things and try to take over. I think as long as you are faithful to each other and show you care when you are apart, then you are fine. It takes a very strong couple to agree to do this, and to ignore what others say about what's normal.
Although I am different from you in that I am fine with staying home with my significant other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): This Op and thank you all for answering. WiseOwl , I do feel a bit guilty and also comments of others made me thinking. You are right, I didn't say anything good about him. Well, he is a nice man doesn't have bad temper, generous, may be because he really doesn't care about money so much.
He is a good father in his own way. He is honest and decent guy overall.
I was thinking the same thing that stopping doing things together is to that great idea but we still do: birthdays, dinners with other couples, not often but it happens. It's just most of the time I want to go without him. And I socialize quite a bit, at least couple times a week. He kind of takes fun out of it, by starting petty argument about nothing, always trying to prove me wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): Why would it make you a bad wife to get out, be independent, have fun with the girls, and leave Mr. Grumpy behind?
He seems happy with the arrangement; and if he doesn't complain; more power to you!
You go on trips, hangout with your girlfriends; unlike most mature and independent women I've ever known. I guess from an old-school point of view you might feel some guilt; or worry about the opinion of others. Sounds to me like you've found a way to keep the peace; and he gets to do what he likes as well. It's a waste of hard earned cash to go on an expensive vacation and fight the entire time. What's the point of a vacation?
What makes a marriage work, is when people find balance and reasonable compromise. When women who've devoted all their lives to their families find their own interests, and learn how to live again. When husbands don't feel stifled and like all their purpose in a marriage is to provide. Bad wife? How about making a few clones of yourself?!!!
I have just one concern. You didn't say anything particularly nice about your husband. So I have to wonder if your post was necessary to justify what you're doing good for yourself, by making him look so bad? You almost built a good case to divorce him. It's like you have no use for him anymore. Just keep in mind, he might get used to all the freedom, and just may decide to make it permanent. If you feel better without him, then maybe you have a serious decision to make. Who knows that better than you?
Be sure you find ways to keep each other content as a married-couple as well. Running from your marriage will not improve it. You both may be growing apart in the process.
You still have to live and work together when the party's over, home from vacation, and at the end of the day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): It's difficult to voice the following, without knowing the full story, but I will give it my best go and I hope I don't offend.I am completely in favour, absolutely in favour, of women doing their own thing and being independent. I really do despair when I read some of the posts on this website, in regard to how very dependant women are on men - both psychologically and emotionally - and I can also understand it because I've been like that myself sometimes.However, I'm also aware that my own father seemed, from the outside, a miserable and dominating man and also very boring, whilst my mother seemed like the life and soul of the party, happy to see anyone and everyone and very independent minded.The bigger picture, though, was that she'd never worked her whole life and she was also - sorry to say - a very, very neglectful mother. She was like a kid who never grew up and she totally disrespected my father. For example, in all my life growing up with them, my Dad had to commute to and from work each day, adding an hour each way to his journey and meaning he got home at around 8pm in the evening. But rather than arrange for us all to sit together eating dinner, my mother would deliberately cook (an actually awful) meal at around 6pm and routinely leave it in the oven for him. So, every night he came home to a lonely, shrivelled dinner, even when we were all adults. There were 3 of us kids and my Mum did the absolute basics, if that, for us and around the house.Meanwhile my Dad worked himself to an early grave earning money so that she could go on her trips and maintain hobbies like rambling and beekeeping etc etc. They fought constantly and every single holiday we went on as a family was fraught with their tension and fighting.So I guess my question to you is, especially as you have only one child, have you yourself worked to pay for all your trips abroad and so on, or does the money come from your husband? And, if it does, do you think it amounts - fairly - to the work you've put into raising one child? If you think it does and you are happy to keep taking his money then no problem. If the money is yours and earned or inherited then no problem. But if the money comes from your husband working hard and ending up a boring and stressed out man then maybe think twice about why that is and how you feel about what he's supplied you with.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Yeah, if you're happy and he's happy then why would that make you a bad wife? Now if he resents your going off without him then that's another bag of cats.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 October 2014):
Maybe your time together has served it's purpose? I don't think it makes you a bad wife since you have tried to include him and he ends up being a pain.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I'm going to Nashville this weekend with a gf... no hubbys.
My gf travels all over the world with out her husband. He does not like to travel and she does so she goes with the girls.
I would much rather go with my gfs than my husband.. he's too cranky.
as long as you and your hubby are ok with it... go for it.
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