A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If a man only wants friends with benefits, does that mean he will never want a relationship?I was wondering if it's possible for a man to change his mind and want a relationship with you?. I know a man who wanted friends with benefits with me at first, as he had recently broken up with his ex. I refused to be friends with benefits, and then he got back with his ex. They have broken up again now. They have been broken up for a long time. He sent me a message which said this. " i want us to be close but you never reply much, and yes we got on great and i ruined it as i didnt want a relationship, and now your with your boyfriend i am just wanting to be friends, but without him i would still want be friends ". I know he only mentioned being friends, but do you think he still likes me?. Do you think he was jealous of my ex boyfriend?. He also told my ex boyfriend that " the best man won ". once. I like this guy, but i'm not sure what to do. He wants to meet soon. I haven't seen him for a while.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): FWB has never worked for me. I didn't even realize I was in that situation in my twenties. The guy I liked the most I fell in love with him and he didn't feel the same way, but I later found out that he did care for me because he told me so. We just lost contact with each other. If I were you I wouldn't just settle. Guys sometimes can't figure out what they want. You need to here the words that he wants the same thing.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Anon male, I see where you are coming from and in theory what you say makes sense, in practice it shows that you haven't quite mastered the " code " for casual sex. Or call it hook up etiquette :). Or just general trend ( which of course allows for exceptions, but maybe less often than you 'd think ).
Women, for numerous reason, are relationship oriented, more so than males. This is not simply a cliche', it has been confirmed by extensive studies . So, in general, they think middle or long term. In the back of their mind, if they see someone "promising", they want to feel reasonably secure that things may go somewhere- at least for a certain while.
Obviously, this is not true ALWAYS. There are periods, moods , situations in the life of a woman in which she just wants to be in the moment , get it on and nothing more. After a divorce or bad break up... in vacation abroad... maybe sowing wild otas in college years... whatever. In these cases, she will shed shyness abd / or scruples and she will take the initiative and ASK you. Or at least signal her interest blatantly. Ask any DJ or bartender or lifeguard or ... cabana boy ,lol, if they ever have to lift a finger to get hook ups.
If she just wants some NSA sexual fun, don't worry, SHE will make it very manifest to you. If she does not, you can reasonably assume she is not into that. She wants either to be properly courted and taken out on dates and shown interest as a person etc., or- she just does not want to have anything to do with you.
Reason for which , being approached with offers of strictly NSA only will feel to many women offensive, rude, off putting etc. etc. At least, to women who have a decent self esteem and do not need to be constantly reassured and validated by male desire.
It may be unfair, but... not really. It's like a card game with its rules. Or a dance with its steps. You have to know when it's time to play your card and when to pass- when it's time to step lively and when to stay put.
Otherwise, you just get confused and irritated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): It depends entirely on the individuals involved and their reasons for being FWB. some men choose FWB because they are scared of commitment, maybe git burned by a pycho ex gf or ex wife. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or want to be close just that they are scared and in self preservation mode. If you are willing to be FWB because you are getting something from it, it could lead to a real relationship later on. The problem is if you agree to be FWB when you really aren't OK with it and are only doing it in hopes it will bring him closer. You shouldn't do things you're not comfortable with, it will make you feel bad about yourself and especially so if it doesn't have the desired effect on him. Its like being in a "real" relationship where the guy is pushing you get to the sexual part too fast for your liking - if you're not OK with it you shouldn't go along with it just to to keep the guy. No relationship is worth your self respect.If on the other hand you are truly OK with being FWB - ie you don't desire a real relationship with him and you get enjoyment from the sex alone - then by all means go ahead. There's nothing wrong with that. If it is OK for men to approach sex with that attitude it is just as OK for women too. Personally I don't see a reason to discourage people from trying FWB arrangements. Let them figure out for themselves if it is for them or not. Sure a high percentage result in someone getting their feelings hurt. The same can be said for most "real" relationships too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): I disagree with the previous female anon that FWBs are insulting to women by nature.
Women these days expect the right to have sex outside conventional relationships when they want it, but they still expect the right to get indignant and act insulted whenever they don't want it.
There is a name for that, its a Double Standard.
If its okay for any woman to have casual sex then it also has to be okay for any man to ask any woman for it. It cannot only be okay if the right man asks the right woman and her answer is yes. You cannot have it both ways.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 If you want more than FWB with a man and he wants FWB, you will NEVER get what YOU want...
Chigirl, as usual, is spot on with this.
I have had FWB with a few guys.... the ones I wanted more with are long gone... the ONE FWB that I wanted pure NSA/FWB with... well damn it I married him. He even said to me later on when we talked about it that the REASON he fell in love with me was BECAUSE I did not care and DID NOT WANT IT and I left him alone enough for him to find his own way to love me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Good for you that you turned down his proposition. Not ony this offer is insulting, it's also a very new development in modern relationship that I call a free call girl situation. For centuries it was the oldest proffession for some women : selling their bodies for money. This is what men did, when they felt an urge they would go to a prostitute, pay money and have their relief. FWB is a way to do exactly the same , but just without paying a price. There was a research done in one country, and the result was that withing the past 15 years amount of men who use prostitutes decreased dramatically by almost 3/4, and the reason is.... Yes, you guessed it right, because of well spread casual sex that women offer. And I wrote this because once he offered you a convinient for him situation FWB this is how heis looking at you: a free hooker. You are not friends, are you. Do you hang out? Do you do things togethere, like common interests, conversation? It will never be a relationship, if you meet all he will do is to try to convince you again to put it out for him. He is a waste of time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 October 2013):
Anything is possible , ... only, in practice it happens very very very seldom. And it makes perfect sense, if you think about it.
First, because if they want you as FWB they don't like you that much to begin with. They are somewhat physically attracted ( when it's not simply a matter of being convenient and available ! ) but, they are not really curious/excited / interested . If they are, yes, they want to spend a lot of time in bed with you, but... believe it or not, even more out of bed. They want you to fit somehow in their life, and viceversa, they want to flaunt you around, meet their family and friends, take trips together, ask your opinions about stuff, compare preferences in music food movies books everything. The discovery of the other person's mental and emotional world is as exciting as the sex part. You have to chase them off with a stick if they really like you ( at least in the initial getting to know phase ).
A man who only wants you as FWB.. basically is not that excited about you ( except for short lived sexual excitement ). The deck is rigged- he has you pegged as " not right as GF material " since the very start. For whatever reason, even the most futile or prejudiced, ( age, weight, hair , your job, the dress you wear,- anything, really ) BUT something makes him see you as " not IT". So when you say " does he still like me " , well, he did not like you a big whole lot to begin with.
Second, can this change, can an interest be sparked ? In theory yes, in practice if all you do together is having sex, what other sides of you is he going to know and appreciate but the sexual one ? If all you do every time you meet is getting it on, - he may see that you are passionate, affectionate , or that you are good at giving oral- but it's difficult he can discover your great sense of humour or your generous heart or your sharp intelligence, or whatever he wants and admire in a potential GF.
These are general considerations, in your specific case , hey, read between the lines , he basically told you : he still would not want to date you. He still would want you to be " friends ". Of course he imagines that you have a soft spot for him, so he is confident that in a short while he can be moved to platonic friend to... friend with benefits, as he wanted all along.
I think Tisha 1 is spot on. He is being crafty and diplomatic , and telling you what you want to hear, - but all in all he is thinking of being your boyfriend the same way I am thinking of becoming a nun : technically not totally impossible, yet very very VERY improbable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): he says he wants to be friends which translates to he wants to get you back in his good graces enough to have sex with you again. no relationship here he still is just looking for free sex
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 October 2013):
 FWBs very rarely progress into a relationship. In fact, FWBs don't have any logical next step except to either end amicably or end when one person shows feelings and the other runs for the hill for the next FWB.
You may ask "why", right? Well, in a guy's mind, sex is just sex, or masturbation with you being the animate sex doll with a little "girlfriend experience" on the side. He's using you for cheap sex like guys use porn to get off. And by the way, ask a guy if he wants to have a long-term relationship with a porn star? Not likely.
Bottom line - FWB often classes women out of relationship material. Not fair, a double standard, but it's just the facts.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 October 2013):
 He "likes you" as a prospective s*x partner. He "tipped his hand" a long time ago. You'll be wise to remember what he suggested... AND to assume that THAT (FWB) is really what he wants.... Keep looking for a REAL "boyfriend"..... 'cuz this guy isn't one....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (25 October 2013):
 Yes this is a confusing letter.
Here is my take as I understand it. A long time ago he wanted a FWB relationship. He was in a situation where he felt that was appropriate. Now he is in a different situation. Could he be interested in a real relationship? He could, but he is not. In other words yes a person can and should mature and move from lesser goals to greater goals. Your guy right now seems to be offering a friend relationship without sexual involvement. I agree that this would not be healthy for you as you are already involved in a romantic relationship. Bringing on a male friend will upset your boyfriend at the least. Could lead to a break up at the worst.
Like many of the aunts here I tend to distrust his motives.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): The purpose of being friends with benefits is to get free milk without having to buy the cow.
Feelings may arise. That doesn't mean the feelings are mutual; or there will be a committed relationship as the consolation prize. It's hard to commit to a relationship that was established on sex without commitment.
Anything is possible.
The odds are high that a man will call on his FWB when he's between relationships. He needs sex on call. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear. He'll play along with it, until someone else comes along that can offer a fresh body and something different.
The original agreement is no feelings attached, and no commitment. Why would you want to know if it will lead to a relationship? It's a roll of the dice, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2013):
 If you don't want a FWB then don't get into one. I applaud your resolve in the past on this.
My read on this guy is that he is not pursuing you to be his girlfriend. He's pursuing you because he perceives that you have a soft spot for him and he's working that 'friends' angle because it sounds so innocuous and innocent.
"Without him I would still want be friends" sounds to me as though he doesn't see you as girlfriend material, for whatever reason.
"He wants to meet soon." Well fine, but for what? If he wants you to be his girlfriend, why wouldn't he ask you out and pursue you like a real man? Instead he's sending "let's be friends' like a freaked out teenage boy who has no confidence.
If this guy isn't going all out to win you over then he's just not that into you, I think.
I'd skip the "meet soon" crapola and tell him you have plenty of friends. Then see if he asks you on a proper date or just continues the 'let's be friends' line.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 October 2013):
Anything is possible, but in all honesty, he doesn't seem interested in beginning a relationship with you right now. So if you're not willing to be a fwb then how will you find out?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 "I was wondering if it's possible for a man to change his mind and want a relationship with you?"Yes, but it tends to only happen when the woman doesn't want a relationship with him. I guess it's got something to do with the indifference and the man wanting to chase her. Alternatively, the indifference makes you pay no attention to the ones who don't want a relationship, and find yourself bothered by those who do. I was having a perfectly good time with my lover when he got insecure and worried I was sleeping with other men at the same time, then said he was in love with me and wanted a relationship. But, I was not thrilled by that, because I had absolutely no feelings for the man. As one shouldn't, in FWB/lovers relationships. The entire thing ended poorly with me agreeing to be his girl, and one or two months in we ended things. After all, having gotten what he (thought) he wanted, he wasn't really in love with me any more than I was in love with him. After that incident I chose my lovers more carefully, not picking the ones who had this "puppy" look on their faces, wanting to be rescued/found. As for this man you mention.. The answer is simple. Tell him that you aren't interested in a FWB relationship, raise the bar, and see if he manages to jump over it. If not, well, he wasn't much to hold on to then, was he? And the "the best man won" comment is so tacky. He wasn't even in the competition for you, or for a relationship with you. He just wanted a shag. If by "the best man won" he means your ex got to hump you, then sure... But I would see that as an insult, not a compliment. Look, do you even want a relationship with this man? You don't seem to know him that well. Don't be so flattered by a mans interest in your body. It reflects poorly on him, and is by no means a compliment to you.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 October 2013):
 Hello,
I'm not sure I follow. Are you single now?
I'm would guess that he still likes you, but I'd be wary about him. I think that if you currently have a boyfriend, meeting him is asking for trouble.
I'm so glad to read on here about someone turning down a FWB offer - because they're always sad stories of one feeling more and hoping more than the other.
Perhaps if you're both single and in the mindset to be in a relationship, it's worth meeting up and assessing what he's after now.
All the best.
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