A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A year ago there was this guy whom my wife befriended. She said he told he he love her but she declined his broposal. I told her to cut her cuntact with him to help him to deal with it and she agreed. But they kept texting since then. Yesterday alone he ther 15 messages and she sent him back 12 messages. But one recieved and one sent message was delteted from her phone. At first she denied deleting the messages and later she said she deleted it because she have to and that should not bother me if I trust her. I didn't want to fight but I can't keep it out of my mind thinking why and what she have deleted. I don't believe she should text with him at all knowing his intention. I feel she is giving him hope knowingly or not. Am I over reacting or is she doing something wrong. We have some issues we keep arguing about for long.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 NOT over-reacting.
IF you wish her not to be friends with this man, you must tell her so.
If she's deleting things but not all things perhaps she feels that she's being open and honest about her friendship with this man...
I was being honest about the friendship with my "friend" back in November when I started seeing my friend... I told my husband... I let him know when I spoke to and saw this friend.
Today my husband has left and my friend is now my life partner.... in other words this "friend" was the catalyst towards ending my marriage. It was not his fault.. my marriage was not the happy thing I thought it was... there were things missing that my husband could not give me (NON SEXUAL things such as intellectual conversations and a sense of assurance that my husband could not muster).....
while I think there are times married men and women can be firends with people of the opposite sex... I think that if there is a reason for the spouse to be concerned it needs to be addressed... my husband felt me slipping away...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): your wife is manipulating you.
she deleted the messages from the other man perhaps bec if you read it, you would have realised just how close she has gotten to him (anything sexual yet?????, who knows)
your wife is deliberately bringing in a thrid person into your marriage. by her constant contact with this other man she is either leading him on unknowingly or she is actively encouraging his love interest.
dont be surprised if her relationship with this man has not escalated yet.
put a stop to her contact NOW or else you will find nothing but heartache and misery.
oh, and btw: you cannot trust her, so dont be concerned by her reverse psycology.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 i don't like the way your wife twists this to 'you should just trust me' sorry but her behaviour is not trustworthy. regardless of how she might feel about him, she KNOWS that he is in love with/attracted to her. a married lady should not have male friends on this basis, she needs to tell him that instead of keeping in contact like this - i mean 12 - 15 messages a day is a lot anyway - its way more than i would text a friend, even my best friend! that amount of texting is more suited i think to people who are in a relationship with each other.
so now you are in a situation where you are checking her phone, counting her messages and puzzling about deleted ones. this is not a good marriage. you should not have to be dealing with this stress. you are being vigilant sure but it is not making ANY difference to her behaviour is it? does she have any respect for your opinion and feelings??
so now she won't even tell you what the deleted messages said? i would see this as the reddest flag of all. she is either loving the attention (maybe feels she did not get enough from you?) or there is something going on between them,. but think you have been patient for long enough. your marriage is under serious threat here so its time to give her an ultimatum - 'friend' or husband
x
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (4 July 2011):
i agree i would tell your wife to cut contact with him.Also i would ask her what them deleted messages, where tell her you want to know what they said, has your wife been acting any diffrent towards you? if so i would try doing a little detective work and see what she is up to maybe it has moved past friendship
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Yeah. If this guy has declared his feelings to her to be more than friendship, she should cut contact with him. Should she ever hide messages from him? No way! You're her husband.
Many women fall into the trap of thinking and intending never to cheat, but becoming so intoxicated by the rapt attentions and affections of another man that they don't want to lose it. So they try and get as close to the "line" as possible and still say they're not cheating.
You know and I know that it's a dangerous place to be in. That's like saying that you'll only take enough meth not to get addicted.
This guy is in full-on chase mode. No, you shouldn't trust him, but she shouldn't do things that erode your trust in her either.
How would she feel if you were saying the same things to another woman that she and this other guy have been talking about? If the conversations were so innocent, there would be no messages to hide.
She's gotta stop. Emotional cheating is still cheating.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry your wife is making you feel this way... So stupid, right?
NO, you are not overreacting! You as a husband, have the right to feel this way and to be angry. I respect the fact that she admitted about this guy, but I have to agree with you that after knowing his intensions, continuing this is giving him false hope. Not sure what your wife intensions are? But, this is definetly not appropriate behavior for a married woman. Really, 13 text sms in a day is just too much.. I am not trying to make you more upset, but its true.
Get to the bottom and the only way is to talk. Find the right time and the right mood. Remember that, fighthing, accusing, putting her down will not solve any problems that you have. Be kind and understanding, I know its difficult, but if you love your wife, its worth it.
This is not about this guy, doesn't matter, he's not what's important here. What's important is that something is missing in your wifes life. I am sure has nothing to do with you, that you are a good husband.
I am guessing it has something to do with your wife. Maybe, she's feeling a little insecure about herself? Maybe this guy is giving her confidence back? Who knows? Self confidence, insecurities, etc are difficult issues to talk about and admit. Even to a husband of many years. Its a sign of weakness and who wants to admit that, specially to the man she loves, right?
I hope this helps, feel better soon. Wish you and your wife happiness and hope together you both can overcome this little bump..
Good luck!
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