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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn't a question about myself, it's about all of us in general who post questions here on dearcupid. I think it's an odd set up because, like with any agony aunt site, the only information the answerer has to go on lies with the questioner, and it's got me thinking; is it possible that somewhere in our subconscious the questioner already has an answer they're looking to hear, and this answer may not be what they consciously looking to hear either, and that when we write questions, we unknowingly write them in a certain way to get the reaction our subconscious wants? I guess, what I'm saying is; do you think the questioner set up the question to get an answer they unknowingly want? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 July 2012):
 Interesting questionThe thing with the questions on here is we only hear one side of the story, sometimes you have to try to read between the lines and try to see the problem from both sides. Or put yourself in the other parties shoes to see how they may be viewing the 'problem'.I guess most come on here to validate what they already know or to get some hope - to find that somebody will come back, will want a serious relationship,or to justify something they have done when deep down they know its wrong.Its a place where they can have varied opinions from all over the world - but still find that everyone is of the same mind when it comes to a solution.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): Thank you all for replying to this question, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's theory on the subject, especially when some of my favourite 'aunts' & 'uncles' have replied. I know, that a few years ago when I would ask questions I would secretly have an answer I was hoping to hear, which, of course, never happened. I think it is possible in certain circumstances that people word questions so that the readers interperet them a certain way and therefore get an answer they were looking for and they are perhaps doing this unknowingly, but I can't help but agree that the majority of the posters are genuinely clouded and the answer is staring them in the face and that a lot of questions on here are looking for validation that they are doing the right thing, I think everyone who's posted has a valid correct opinion as you're all speaking from personal experience.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 July 2012):
Sometimes it is the case that people have an idea of what they want to hear, yes. But I don’t think it’s reflected in the way they phrase the question, it’s reflected in what they do with the advice. In one extreme instance, a young lady was so displeased with the advice we gave her that she branded the site “a waste of time,” and was so rude to those who were trying to help her that I chastised her for her ingratitude. But it was obvious that she already knew what she wanted to hear, and when it didn’t come she was very angry. Usually, however, people aren’t like that, but you know that they had a closed mind and a set idea of what they wanted to hear because they find all kinds of reasons to ignore the advice given, which of course is their prerogative. Sometimes people miss out important bits of information that come out in follow-ups, but I think that’s not a deliberate thing, it’s very hard to capture your problems in a few paragraphs and provide enough detail that people who’ve never met you can help you out.
Most of the time, however, I believe that people ask the questions because they put their faith in our advice. Perhaps a lot of them do have some idea of what they’d like to hear, but they are receptive to difficult advice. I doubt that most people who write in with serious relationship problems would want to be told that it’s time to go your separate ways, but they often see the reasons why that advice was given and follow it. I think there’s space enough on Dearcupid for all kinds of people, to be honest, even those who take our advice and then ignore it. It’s better to question your beliefs and actions, and return to the same conclusions, than it is not to question them in the first place. And sometimes, getting advice that you think is inappropriate for your situation can help you figure out what is appropriate.
I wish you all the very best.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (30 July 2012):
 Interesting Question, Anonymous Original poster,
I believe that in many cases the questioner is looking for validation for the answer they already have in mind. Some times they get it, some times they don't. Another interesting phenomenon here on the board is the bandwagon answers, where the first solid answer leads the following answers. Sometimes this is OK, sometimes the first answerer is so off base (perhaps jumping to a favorite saw) that the original question is lost.
To answer your main question; I believe that original poster motivations fall into about 4 categories.
1 lost and confused. The person is in a new situation and can't interpret it.
2 needing validation. Making a tough decision and not sure they are making the right one.
3 Angry and wanting sympathy. Not really needing help but feeling so alone in a bad situation that just having someone to talk to about it helps.
4 Advertising. No real answer needed just hoping to get someone to send a private message.
Our answers usually reflect our guess about the original posters motivation.
In order to get the best answer a poster should do as much as possible to help us understand their motivation and question. Show sincerity by registering for and using a name. Don't give us misleading or contradictory information about your age, location, or situation. Tell us the important facts and your interpretation. Use a spell checker, or at least re read before hitting send. (you know I am as guilty as most on this.)
Enough answer, I'm wandering off topic now.
FA
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 July 2012):
 I don't think they do. Or a lot of people who (for instance) cheat would never get any answers they want to hear.
Usually you see a poster who actually KNOW what they "ought" to do, but they don't either trust their instincts or they just need a second opinion.
I guess it really comes down to who wrote the post :)
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 July 2012):
 sometimes when people are in the middle of the eye of the storm, and overwhelmed about an existing problem they don't see the full picture.
Sometimes they need a range of views to help clarify things and help them see the essentials.
And the more information the OP reveals the better.
Incomplete information can lead to the OP saying more when an answer is not accurate from the point of view of the OP
I don't think an OP would always have an answer thet want to hear. Though sometimes an OP wants tips on how to do something to provide a solution that they want. Such as 'please tell me how to get my Bf back, as I love him so much?'
But sometimes the solution offered was not the one thet thought they needed. Such as if the OP asked for a solution that may not be in their best interests. Such as, 'please tell me how to stop my husband from pulling my hair and hitting me, he used to be nice?' In this instance the OP might start to reveal more and more abuse and start blaming themselves for the abuse. At which point the answers will support the OP to see that the one doing the abusing has the problem, not the victim. And that the domestic abuse sufferer does not need
to put up with this abuse.
And occasionally an answer will get it so very very wrong that the OP will step in with a follow up. That can then trigger answers that provide answers from a new perspective, based on the additional
Information.
what I like on Dearcupid.org is the diversity in the answers. And some answers provide the comfort and support and appropriate advice that can help the OP.
Some answers bother the OP and that might be because the answer is inaccurate (from the POV of the OP) and miss the whole point the OP was trying to make. And some answers may offend or hurt the OP due to the brutal forthrightness of the answer or because the answers are exposing cracks/flaws that the reader has perceived in the OP's summation of what the OP thinks is the problem.
For instance a question such as, 'my boring ugly dull wife is mad at me for all the affairs I've been having. How can I get her to see it's all her fault?' That OP is never going to get the answers the OP wants to hear.
DearCupid.org is an interesting dynamic site with questions and answers that reflect real life as it is today.
Values and attitudes reflect the values and attitudes in different parts of the world. And the answers and the questions come from people all over the world.
But as in 'Crowds and Power' by Elias Canetti, the answers reflect the collective wisdom of those who answer questions.
And over 250,000 questions plus over One million one hundred and sixteen thousand 1116000 answers is a very big data base of wisdom from a wide cross section of people.
And that is why the collective data base of wisdom results in such a diverse and useful set of answers to many relationship issues.
But there are still more questions that have not yet beeen asked.
And there are still more perspectives and more viewpoints that new readers and new Aunts and new Uncles will seek to provide in the future.
Viva la difference!
Diversity and respect for diversity and many different solutions offered to the OP from many different Aunts and Uncles on this site is why it works so well for most OPs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): I didn't read the other responses but I think that sometimes posters already know what's the right/best thing to do. But hearing the truth from others is like receiving support. For example someone asking whether or not they should cut off contact with their ex. I'm sure everyone knows the answer is always yes but people ask obvious questions anyway to receive encourangement from others to do what is difficult. I think it's great that dearcupid not only offers advice but support. :) Many times however, others not only tell you what's the best thing to do, but they offer insight on why things are happening. Many times they add comforting words which really is, in my experience, comforting when going through a difficult time.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 July 2012):
 I don't think so. Folks know what they should do but they want validation.... and I've seen folks post "these are not the answers I was expecting"
also so many times I've seen folks say "that's not the title I gave it the mods changed it"
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): I don't think so to be honest OP. I think people pose questions the vast majority of time to get answers they want to hear consciously to clarify things that emotions have clouded, most of the people who post here are intelligent, thoughtful people just in the middle of a situation that they feel powerless to control or even figure out.
It all depends on the personality too. Some people feel they've been wronged and want others to validate their opinion, others just want to hear what they already know from someone else so they may actually do something about it, others are so deep in the midst of love that they can't see the obvious that's staring them in the face and want an objective view on what's going on.
The one constant in all these is that the answer is very often in the question itself and if the person was in a normal state of mind just reading their own question should be enough of an answer to them because usually it's so obvious.
The only subconscious part in my mind is the personality and/or state of mind of the person that comes through. I find people who are experiencing issues completely lose empathy for everyone but themselves and become almost completely self centred when they're in pain. That's normal I suppose but it's illogical and counter-productive.
Take this for example: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-my-ex-rubbing-his-relationship-on.html
Being a person outside her situation it's very easy to see what's actually going on isn't it? Very cut and dry, he's not doing anything at all wrong but her feelings are getting the better of her, and as is the situation with most people who post here, there is absolutely no self-reflection and he has to be the one to blame. Yet a little bit of logic applied to her situation says something different, there is no evidence to back up her emotional decision.
Now that poster may turn around and ignore what we said, or take it personally and lash out, or she may see that her fears are irrational and take a measured approach, in which case she may or may not have gotten the answer she wanted because part of why she asks is because if he was doing that to make her jealous, it would mean he still cares about her in some way and perhaps feed some of her left over desires for him.
Here's another example:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/it-looks-like-i-am-a-fwb-with.html
This lady knows exactly what is going on, she just wants to hear it from others because she can't let go and is hoping someone can knock some sense into her. Unfortunately for her that's very doubtful because if she was strong enough to dump him she would have a long time ago and wouldn't need others to confirm this for her. In fact her question is carefully worded so as not to ask for advice on how to move on and escape because she doesn't think she can and doesn't want to feel bad for not doing something everyone thinks she should.
She knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's no good for her, she also knows deep down this is futile and won't last, she also knows that she's getting hurt by all this but for some reason she won't let go. I think she just want validation of her viewpoint in the hopes that it will help her head win that battle with her heart. But when you let yourself get carried away and live life or have a relationship based on the power of your emotions alone it's an incredibly hard feat to beat that.
I think most people here are desperate and just want someone to see through that fog of love, pain, confusion, denial, jealousy and so on, and clear things up for them so they can go about solving them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): I have read/answered questions and the follow-ups from the OP have been somewhat dismissive to the advice people have offered, which has lead me to believe the OP wasn't looking for a solution to their problem but more approval of a plan they already had in mind all along.
Example - I read a question where a girl wanted to know if it was ok to get with a guy who was in a rocky relationship but who was also interested in her.
She was advised against it, but her follow-ups were full of "If's" and "But's' and excuse why she may go against the advice and pursue the guy anyway.
So yes, I think some people definitely already have an idea what they're going to do about a situation, but are just looking for peoples approval.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 July 2012):
 I think I see it more like the answer is right in front of their face, but they don't see it. Of course, not everything is cut and dried, hence different advice and different points of view, which collectively are valuable so as to see all sides of a situation. There's no one definitive "right" answer. Oftentimes, the initial giving of advice causes to OP to reveal more of the puzzle, which changes things. A lot of times, it feels more like a diagnosis than advice.
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reader, deirdre  +, writes (30 July 2012):
I think it is possible, not all posters would do it obviously but a certain amount definitely. because we tend to do that when we tell a story too, dont we?
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