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Do I stay with my husband because I feel sorry for him?

Tagged as: Age differences, Cheating, Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi, I'm 49 and married second time for 5 years. He is 13 years older and adores me. But Iv never really been settled. Iv hankered after an ex for the first years of the marriage. Now Iv met and fallen madly in love with a guy I met . I'm so torn. My husband will have nothing's if we split but can I stay just because I feel sorry for him. ? Would I ever be truly happy? He knows something up, but my sister died this year and he thinks I'm grieving. If I stay I'd have to just get on with it. He does everything for me and treats me wonderfully. But it's not enough. I sometimes feel sick when I look at him. Iv lost what I felt. Other guy makes me so happy. I laugh like I never have before.

It could be that it's New with other guy but I feel very much alive in his company. I would be so grateful for some advice

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (19 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntLet your husband go. Not because of the new guy but because of the resentfulness you seem to already feel towards him (your hubby). I mean, if you can get sick just by looking at the guy then you shouldn't put him or you through any much torture should you?

This new guy might not even be what you need and I say that because the grass always looks greener on the other side yet when you finally arrive there; it seems to have suddenly dried up and died all on its own.

I say take a break from being married and stay single for a while. Going from some guys wife while being another guys girlfriend to being some guys girlfriend leaves you with no identity of your own between all the jazz that's being played.

It's essentially up to you though. I just hope that eventually you will find what you're looking for. Take care.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 July 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntI'm going to dissent from the other aunts and tell you to grow up. You took advantage of him, married him, took, and took, and took, never giving him a damn thing in return except the occasional pity fuck. The whole time you were looking for Mr. Previous or Mr. Next.

I'm willing to bet that you felt the same way about your ex, and did the same thing to him at some point to be with some other guy, wash, rinse, repeat. Here you are yet again, no sooner are you hitched to your current guy, you started pining for an ex and failing that, pining for a new guy. Your behavior is immensely selfish and when you leave for the new guy you will do exactly the same thing to him - you'll pine for the guy you have now, or some other guy, anyone but the guy you're with.

Your sob story rings hollow because it's born of selfishness. You made a commitment and you should live up to it. Grow up and start giving without expecting anything in return. If that means you're miserable, oh well, maybe if you grow up you'll learn to see things from a giving perspective instead of a taking perspective.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2017):

Phil052 agony auntYou have to move on for the sake of both of you, otherwise you will just end up resenting him, and he doesn't deserve that. Just be kind to him when you tell him it is over.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

It's always best to be honest about your feelings towards the people who love us. Your pity is useless to your husband. People don't marry for that reason. Chances are you never really loved him, but married out of convenience. You started the marriage cheating psychologically, and now you're at it again.

You're pretty busy feeling for men outside your marriage. Now you think you've found yourself a vehicle to get out of your commitment by claiming you're in-love. I think your feelings change with the wind, and you're running from responsibility. In the meantime you used your husband because you needed to feel loved unconditionally and he provided you financial-security.

Please let him go. I hope you have been kind to him all this time. When someone adores you and offers you everything; but you do not reciprocate what you're receiving, you're using them. So it would be better that you divorce him.

Don't think you're just going to walk away with clean hands. Your karma will catch-up with you. You don't know how to commit yourself and you used someone. You now have to atone for that and life comes full-circle. It may take time, but someone or something you cherish most will be taken from you. There is a price for betrayal, my dear. We don't do harm against others without our actions leading to justice for those we have wronged. That's how life works.

You should leave but give him an amicable divorce. Agree to be civil to each other and move on. You will break his heart, and that would be the least you could do.

Someday you will look back and remember how sweet of a man he was, but someone else will find him before you realize what you have lost. That too, will be a part of your Karma.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

Its so easy to say and to believe that youve fallen in love with someone you hardly know.

Its so easy to laugh your cotton sox off (and panties too maybe) because you are having fun with someone new.

And your bizzare justification is that you hankered for an ex for the first years of your marriage.

Meanwhile good old Mr. Faithful and Devout is busy paying all the bills.

Some people take kindness for weakness!

You have put as much thought and effort into the marriage as a poorly paid actress in a comedy series.

So dance on sweet sister and keep your fingers crossed (and maybe your legs) in the hope that you wont feel a sharp pain on your sudden fall from grace!

What tune does the B side play?

Remember laughter doesnt last forever!

So sorry to hear about your sister though!

Could it be that you are in denial and in fullblown scarlette ohara mode rather than deal with your inevitable sense of loss?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

mystiquek agony auntIf you don't love your husband and are seeking the attention of another man then the kindest thing you can do long term is to let your husband go. It isn't fair to him to think that he has a loving faithful wife when in reality she wants out. Treat your husband the way that you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. Would you want to stay with someone knowing that they didn't love you as you loved them?

Word of caution--the grass always seems greener on the other side. Its truly not wise to leave one relationship and jump right into another. You need time to process everything and think about what it is you REALLY want. New relationships are always exciting at first but what happens when the newness wears off?

I am in no way telling you to stay with someone that you don't love and have the right feelings for. It isn't fair to either of you. Just make sure you know where your head is in reference to the second man.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou have to be fair to your husband. You do him no favours at all by staying. As it seems he is a good man then treat him well. Cut him loose and let him find someone who loves him fully.

Could I suggest a period of time should elapse before you take up with the boyfriend. I think you need to be fair to him as well.

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