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Can you stay friends after having a one night stand?

Tagged as: Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2017)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

About a month ago, I met a guy on a dating site. We would talk from night to morning every day. I kind of like him, but he rarely talked about himself. I was curious about him; therefore, I checked on him on Facebook and found out that he has a daughter and is probably divorced, which I really care. I then decided to regard him as a friend. It's nice if we can just be friends too. I know he's interested in me, so I tried to tell him I like him as a friend and I just want him to be my friend.

We still stayed in contact and after few weeks of talking, we met for the first time at a bar. We had fun hanging out. I was drunk after few drinks. He asked if I wanted to go to the hotel with him next door. I was so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing so I went with him. We had sex that night. The next morning we woke up, we acted out like nothing happened and talked like friends. He contacted me after I got home and I told him that I regretted having sex with him. I don't know how to talk to him after we had sex. All I want is him to be my friend. He said he wanted more than just friends. I really don't know what to do know. I don't know if I still want him as a friend. I don't know if I should still talk to him. What should I do now?

View related questions: divorce, drunk, facebook, one night stand

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (25 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe best thing for you to do is end all contact. You knew he liked you more than a friend and you led him on (alcohol is never an okay excuse!) If you where a man you would get slaughtered on here for using some poor women.

Don't allow him to catch feelings for you, you now need to take a step back and simply tell him it won't work, you want a friend, he wants more. Don't end up hurting him.

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (20 July 2017):

In general, no, you don't have sex with your friends. People you have had sex with are not your friend anymore, they are other thing (you name it). If you regard someone as your friend that implies that you haven't had sex with him.

In your case, no, because of what I said before. But also because he doesn't want to be your friend.

One more thing, don't put so much emphasis on the drunk thing. You had sex with him because you wanted. Probably you drank a lot in order to have sex with him. But being drunk doesn't make you less responsible.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (19 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntTo answer your question which serves as the title of your post; yes you can remain friends but there is a catch...

Look, just because you want to remain friends does not mean that he wants to be your friend. You could just try to force to have things your own way but what good will that do?

I think it's just best to leave some time for the dust to settle. That would do a world of good if you have any hopes of possibly being friends at some point in the future.

Good luck, OP.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (18 July 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt It's not that's impossible or forbidden to stay friends after a one night stand- if both parties want it. But in your case, it's clear he does not want that. First, if he wanted a new platonic friend he would not be looking for her on a °dating° site. Second, he told you plain and simple- he wants more than friends. I don't know if this means that he wants a relationship, or if he just wants casual sex, anyway either way the " friends " option is off the menu, as far as he is concerned . He is not into that.

I think you should move on and forget about it, this is a situation which lends itself to misunderstandings and arguments. You told him already that you only wanted to be friends-but it took so very little to make you change your mind and follow him right away to have sex. If you want to hang out as friends, I think that inevitably he will think the previous scenatio is being played out again, , like that you are acting coy or teasing him - or more simply that to put you in an amorous mood you need a few drinks in you. He would either be pestering you for sex because he does not take seriously your version of " just friends ", or he would get offended because he'd think that you are leading him on on a whim, or as an ego bust.

In your shoes I'd avoid the complications, look for friends outside of dating sites, and limit drastically my alcohol intake , at least on a first date.

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A female reader, hollyrc United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2017):

I think you need to approach this issue from the other side: do you really want to be just a friend to him? After all, it's usually a good situation for guys: you slept and talked, as if nothing had happened, or the girl starts throwing him messages about further relations. And here he wants something more serious. I will not insist on this, the decision is yours. Or try to continue communicating, as before, carefully explaining to your friend that you are not interested in these relations. Don't be afraid to offend or show your true intentions. So you will save yourself and him from unjustified illusions. Read this blog a href="https://buyessay.org/blog/"https://buyessay.org/blog//a. There are articles about psychology and relationships that can also help you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

its not too bad, shake it off and be friends

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2017):

N91 agony auntThe friendship is over.

You both want different things and you've completely blurred the lines now by having sex. If you pursue a friendship then you're being completely unfair on this guy because he's always going to want more and in the back of his mind as long as you're around he will be thinking that he will be able to get it.

The right thing would be to distance yourself from this guy and let his feelings die down. I don't think you will ever be able to have a friendship after this.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

You're conflicted out of guilt because you let yourself go and had sex while you were drunk. You're afraid of being judged for your irresponsible behavior. What you did was dangerous. I hope you used a condom. You left your fate and safety in his hands; while you were intoxicated.

If someone tells you they want to be more than friends and you don't; your friendship is not an equal exchange for their feelings towards you. You'd only be taking advantage of their affections. Best to let him go. He should find someone else who reciprocates what he feels for them. Not be held captive by his feelings; because you have another use for him.

Next time, if you want to be a friend, leave sex out of it. Don't blame alcohol for your behavior. Don't get drunk on a first date with someone who is basically a stranger.

You're both not on the same page; so wish him well, move on and go find yourself a friend. It's better than constantly rejecting him when he keeps trying to be more than that. The selfish-side of yourself may want to hang-on to him "just in-case." That's not fair. He has been friend-zoned against his true intentions; but he has told you he's looking for more. Don't waste his time.

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A female reader, hollyrc United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2017):

I think you need to approach this issue from the other side: do you really want to be just a friend to him? After all, it's usually a good situation for guys: you slept and talked, as if nothing had happened, or the girl starts throwing him messages about further relations. And here he wants something more serious. I will not insist on this, the decision is yours. Or try to continue communicating, as before, carefully explaining to your friend that you are not interested in these relations. Don't be afraid to offend or show your true intentions. So you will save yourself and him from unjustified illusions.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSome people can but here the thing.

He TOLD you he wants more than to be friends. YOU don't want more. He wasn't on the dating site to meet new friends but to hopefully find a new partner.

He isn't going to just want to be friends.

And I have to ask why would you GET so drunk that you claim you had no control over your actions? Was this the first time you had alcohol?

NEVER get so drunk with a man you have ONLY talked to online/text. So WHAT if you "felt" like you knew him and would be safe with him. No. If you can't control your alcohol consumption then have SODA/JUICE/WATER. It's insane to think that anyone would get so drunk that they go to a hotel with a guy they barely know.

Or are you regretting the sex and thus making it seem like you really didn't know what you are doing? If it's the latter? Still not smart, OP.

But to answer your question, if he is not someone you want to date LET HIM go so he can find a woman who DOES want to date him. That way you will be free to find someone you DO want to date.

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