A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, thanks for your advice in advance. I'm 40 and my my boyfriend is 45. He took his children on a short vacation and asked me to go with them. I didn't accept his invitation because this is a new relationship, we have been together for 6 months, and I didn't want to make his kids uncomfortable as the vacation was planned for them. He came back and insisted that he wants to take me to the same place next month and this time I cannot refuse and should go. I agreed and he sent me a hotel name and date to see what I think. He said he picked the hotel randomly and quickly as they are booking fast and the 5 star hotel that they stayed in is already booked for the entire month. He said we shouldn't necessarily go there and he just throw this hotel out to see what I think. So I'm checking to see that he sent me this 3 star crapy hotel. I checked and found many other nice hotels available. I don't want to over react but he knows my lifestyle. I'm picky and can afford to be. I always go to the best hotels and vacation spots and he knows it. I was a kind of disappointed. Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): He needs to get who you really are so tell him. Don't make him guess. I'm not sure who is testing who but it's a waste of time. If you have very different tastes it may be a sign that this kind of thing will grate on you...and maybe other things will too. How about going self catering. It might be cheaper which could leave more in the pot for spending on really nice meals out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 Well.. for sure you are not too easy going :)
I am Italian so in theory I should " do " hospitality along your lines- and in Italy too , the tradition is, or actually ,perhaps, it USED to be , that if you have people over .. it's a nightmare, you are supposed to bend over backwards, cook up a storm, serve all kind of meals at any odd time, and the worse is that you are basically captive of your guests, you act as if they were illitterate or minors or disabled, and you escort them around here and there all they long- many times, though, limiting not only your freedom and enjoyment but theirs too, because they never can have a moment to themselves. Terrible, IMO.
When I moved to USA, I immediately adopted hospitality the American way - otherwise I would not have survived, since I always had the fortune, of misfortune, to live in places with high tourist appeal. So, yes, people where coming and going very often, they were welcome to stay, as much as they wished- but, after the first night with the dutiful home made dinner, then I'd give them the house keys, access to a well stocked fridge and to all the house " amenities ", at times even a car , and then they were basically on their own. Free to roam the city, to spend time with OTHER friends and relatives ( which is always a sensitive issue with European guests, often leading to arguments and competition... " What, you came to see ME... and now you want to have coffe with Aunt Maria ??! " ) , even free to go on the pull and sleep somewhere else if they got lucky :)
I'd say it works better , I had maybe a couple of people who sort of got offended because they felt I should have been more " nurturing " but the majority is still reminiscing , years and years later, what a perfect stay they had and what a generous, undemanding, no pressure guest I was.
Different strokes for different people. You may like to fuss around your guests, or loved ones, and that's very kind of you, of course - but, keep in mind that this is not THE one and only rule- not everybody likes, or must like, to fuss around people- and , most importantly, not everybody likes to be fussed around !
You will say : precisely. That was what I was talking about. Tncompatibility !
Well...incompatibility, not just personal but cultural too, does exist. But maybe ,in your shoes , I would look into other major stuff for signs of it- serios stuff relative to your ethics, your core values- not into minor details like having your coffee served in bed to you vs. preparing it yourself. You say that you are flexible, but flexibility is exactly the capacity to understand that there is not only YOUR way to do things and that other ways are ok too, and although you may like them less ,or not prefer them, they do not mean disrespect, callousness or a personal attack.
Ditto for the price tag. No, you are not supposed to leave price tags on gifts ... but why the first thing that springs to your mind is that he did it on purpose ?? Why should he have done that ?? Surely not to impress you, as if the price tag had been 4500 rather than 45. Surely not to tell you that to him you are worthy 45 dollars. Why could not he just have forgotten to remove the price tag ? It's a distraction which happens to the best of us , and the fact that you did not even consider that , makes me think that you are normally a bit of an overthinker, or overworrier.
Same with the hotel. Yes he knows that you are a 5 stars hotel client, but it's not as if it's etched in granite is it ? If the focus is on finding a way to spend time together, in a place that's filling up real fast,- maybe HIS focus, reasonably, was to assure a spot for yourselves anywhere acceptable, or decently confortable, rather than perfect with optimal views and 5 stars service. As a matter of fact, maybe in his place I would feel hurt that you refuse to go on a vacation with him if the hotel is not the best around. Is it about sharing time, and creating beautiful memories together, or is it about havin the fkuffiesr bathrobes available ? You say that there were other nicer hotels available, but - he told you, he did not made an accurate booking site search, spending hours on it. He just casually saw ,or heard of some place, and run it by you, subject to your approval. If you don't like it , you are perfectly free to suggest another better hotel instead. more to your liking, I don't see what's the problem, PARTICULARLY since you have no objection to pay your own way, or to share the costs by paying for meals or in any other way jontly agreed .
Really, much ado about nothing, if you ask me. You don't like X hotel ? Simple - just say, no I don't like X hotel, let's book Y hotel instead - Why necessarily reading into this anything more sinister than a not very accurate hotel search ?
In conclusion, from what you posted, I don't see a valid reason for alarm bells to ring. If he were a cheapskate you would have noticed by now. And he did invite you to the 5 stars resort !, but you preferred not to go ( btw, for a good reason, IMO ). He knows about your luxury lifestyle, ( and , luckily, he can keep up with you ) but he also knows that you are NOT your lifestyle. You say you are flexible and if needs be occasionally you can make adjustments. The fact that he thought this time you could adjust, does not make him a tightwad, or an uncouth hick. Just someone not as good as you at picking hotels .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): OP- correction- His pushing for marriage makes me more sensitive on our differences not senseless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017): I'm the OP- Thank you for your time just I need to clarify something as I think some just read and chose parts of my post to judge me. First of all I said I'm very flexible even though I'm particular about some stuff. I have many friends that I go out with them and it's not my way most of the time. I do not care about money as I work hard and have enough and have never relied on any guys financially. In response to the anonymous lady I have had options to go out with rich guys all the time, not because I'm a spoiled princess! just because of circle of my friends and people I hangout with. I turned down a single guy who was 3 years younger than me with no children and lots of money and went out with my current boyfriend which is a very nice person and I really enjoy spending time with him. So my concern is not about money, about the gift I don't care if it's $1 or thousands I just found it tasteless to leave the price tag. I said I even don't leave the tag on the expensive stuff I didn't say my gift was cheap! I told him to just enjoy his time and do not bring me anything when he asked me what I need from there. He went with his two young sons 17 and 19 I didn't go to give them space to enjoy their time together not that I didn't want to spend time with his children. By the way his invitation doesn't mean I go with his cost. Last time he invited me to a short trip and he paid for the hotel and I paid for the entire other expenses so if I prefer a better hotel it doesn't mean I'm going for free. Last time I offered to pay for the hotel too and he said no so I paid for everything else. My only concern about the different lifestyle is not about money is about the compatibility. He has been asking for marriage which I refuse because it's too early. His pushing for marriage makes me become more senseless on our differences. Like my hosting overnight guests is different that his. I spent days preparing and making sure everything is great. I cook variety of foods, I wake up earlier than everybody to prepare a nice breakfast but he is different. I go there and always leave without breakfast. As you can see it's not about money it's about compatibility! I hear that from some colleagues that their friends stay over and sometimes they leave while the host is still in bed at 10am. So I'm not really sure maybe Americans are more easy going. Am I really over thinking?
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (19 July 2017):
 I agree with other aunts that say you're acting spoiled however I'll hand it to you for not going on the initial trip.
If it really matters to you where you stay and not the fact that you'll be WITH HIM then go ahead and turn up your nose. The fact that he wants to go anywhere with you should mean something. Look,maybe he didn't even think you'd have a problem with it, either that or he's seeing how big of a problem if would be if you couldn't have the finer things.
Correct me if I'm wrong but fidelity, compatability and trust are more important but if it means that much to you then do something about it. Either that, or, search for someone with your standards.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017): I am glad you did not go with him and his kids...dad's need time just with them. He more than likely left the price tag on unintentionally.You spent thousands on him..you seem miffed that he only spent 45 on you.You only been dating six months.You say maybe he is cheap or in a different class..or maybe you are a little shallow? I think you should go find yourself a very rich man with no kids so he can spend all his money on you. In our country people date rich or poor or different classes and different races of people all the time. It is called freedom.We do not judge any of those things because we look at who someone is on the inside not what is in their wallet.You will lose or have very limited number of friends with your outlook.I always taught my children not to judge someone on color money or anything else...if you do judge you might miss out on the love of your life or your best friend.That is how it is done in America.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2017):
 Leaving price tags on is tacky by European standards (I'm Danish and it's the same there) you either have the cashier put a sticker on the tag (if you buy clothes and aren't sure the recipient will love it). In the US I don't see that as often.
BUT when it comes to presents, it really shouldn't BE about how much was spent. Was there a meaning behind it? Or was it just some random shiny thing?
He might not BE from the same background as you. It's unlikely that you will find many that ARE. Taste is a personal thing. Having great taste and money doesn't make you a better person.
And he might NOT be for you if a $45 gift and a 3 *** hotel is not sufficient. If those things matter to you, he isn't for you.
And if you nitpick every man like this the good luck finding one suitable for you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 July 2017):
 Frugal is a good thing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): If he chose a 5-star hotel to start, offered you to come, and you refused; you've got a bit of nerve to complain now.
To sulk and be picky now, would be ungracious and make you look fussy. He'll think you were avoiding being around his kids. Now you're being choosy about the hotel; because you don't think it's good enough. Oh, really?!!
It might be a crappy hotel, by your standards; but to complain or refuse now will definitely raise an eyebrow. Go ahead and choose another hotel, and offer to cover half the bill while you're at it.
In a new romance, the last impression you want to make is that you're high maintenance and fussy. He probably has plans to compensate for it in other ways. Like fancy romantic restaurants and lovely outings together.
Don't forget, if his tastes run in the 5-star range, he's not going to feel comfortable in substandard accommodations either. Maybe he's stretching the budget to please you, and it is quite likely he spent a lot taking his kids on a vacation. He spent everything on them he would have spent on you!
Be considerate. You should have accepted his first invitation. Your reason given was a poor excuse.
He probably suspects you didn't want to be around his kids; and I think he's right. It was your chance to get to know them better.
He's offering you another trip; because he is definitely testing you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): OP- Thank you fatherly advice and honeypie. I am very particular about certain things like food, how I dress up and many other things but I'm very flexible at the same time. He always tells me that he really loves how particular I am and he learns alot from me. So something else happened today and I'm not really sure what's going on with him. He came back and we just went out and he mentioned about the trip again. He got the feeling that I didn't like the hotel and suggested a better one. I said I have to think. To make it worse he brought me a gift from there and guess what he left the price tagg on it so I see that he spend $45 on the gift. He just killed the mood. I don't know why he did that. I have spent over thousands on gifts for him and others and never ever left the price tag on regardless of how expensive the gift is. He just makes me think he is a cheap person or coming from a totally different background with no class. More disappointed now! I'm not an American , I'm from spain originally but I don't think people leaves the price tags on the gifts here in US. I found it rude.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2017):
I agree with FA,
Send him a list of "suitable" (to your taste and pocketbook) hotels and see where it goes.
I am not sure why you are so offended by a hotel "beneath" your usual standard be proactive instead of acting like a spoiled kid. He probably picked it because he remembered the name Or the location, not because he thinks you aren't worth more than a 3-star hotel.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 July 2017):
 Do you think it is a test? I mean if he knows how picky you are perhaps he is evaluating how you will react to a less than perfect situation. Dating is all about evaluating compatibility. there is always a chance you will find an incompatibility. How you handle this will be a guide to him of how you will handle other similar situations in the future.
The correct etiquette in this situation is to make a return suggestion of hotel to him. He has left the door open for this, and already admits that his choice was random and nor personal.
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