A
female
age
51-59,
*ornfusedwife
writes:I have been married for 18 yrs now. My husband has cheated on me more than 10 times (3 times with a family member, but I only count her as 1).He has not cheated the past 6 years. As you can imagine I have very little self asteem left. A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by an old flame. The one I never quite got over the one that I have fantasized about for more than 20 years. He lives about 5 hours away in another state. It just so happens that I will be in that state in a couple of weeks, he wants to meet for drinks. When I talk to him on the phone I get butterflies still. I am not sure what to do. Obviously I love my husband or I would never have stayed through all of his affairs.( I have never cheated on him). What do I do. I really loved this old flame and couldnt believe that the one person I have fantasized about all these years looked me up. He is not married but has told me repeatedly that he doesnt want me to do anything that will hurt me. What do I do?MOD NOTE: OP added this second part as a separate post, it was combined with this. HI I sent an earlier message, I need to tell you a little of the back ground about the old flame. We dated for 2 yrs I broke up with him then he got someone pregnant and married her. (we didnt have sex when we dated). After he married he still snuck over to the house for about 6 months and we would kiss. One night he came over and we did have sex. Shortly after this night I moved out of state. He is divorced but other than the one time with me he never again cheated on his wife.
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affair, broke up, cheated on me, divorce, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2012):
 Two wrongs don't make a right.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 There are two issues here...first...if you do not love your husband anymore...get a divorce so you can date other men. Secondly, a lot of things change throughout the course of 20 years. Are you the same person you were in high school? I'd hope not. Tell your friend that you would like to meet him for drinks, but at this point in your life...you don't think it's a good idea. Personally, I think meeting him for drinks would only cause more confusion and heartache. What if you go and all the old feelings are there and you sleep together? What if you go and you don't sleep together, but you start calling frequently, sneaking out to meet him, or emailing/texting? You are going to create more tension in your already tense life. Figure out what you really want in your life and go from there. If you have been staying with your husband just to prove you could do it after his cheating, you are staying for the wrong reason.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Don't dumb yourself down to your husbands level, two wrongs don't make a right, and you know that cheating isn't going to help your marriage, OR your self esteem. If you love your husband, as you say you do, and your marriage is important to you, then you remain faithful, an you make it work. If you want to explore other relationships, then you owe it to yourself to end the marriage, first.
As far as this "old flame" goes, he cheated on his wife, with you. You say that you are his one and only cheat, but you really don't know that for sure. Affectively, you would just be trading in one cheater for another, you wouldn't be wining anything.
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A
female
reader, cornfusedwife +, writes (12 June 2012):
cornfusedwife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen he married her he was 17 and so was I. We were very young
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 June 2012):
I can't think of a worse position to be in that yours, where you're basically surrounded by people who hurt you. You've got a husband who's cheated, a family member who has cheated with your husband, and an old flame who is, himself, a cheat.
I think more than anything else, you need to take such a close look at where your life is going. You have so much time, and you can do so much better than you have. My opinion is that you should just end your marriage, move on from everyone and set yourself up so you can meet someone totally new and different.
I just don't see anything good about this situation. You'll just feel worse if something happens, and therefore you might as well start over elsewhere.
Take control of your life, and stop being treated this way.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 He still cheated on his wife with you which makes him just as bad as your husband. What your husband done in the past is wrong you do not need me to tell you that, but it is in the past, you chose to stay with him therefore you chose to stay in the marriage. This does not mean that it is okay now for you to meet up with an old flame and cheat on him. If it is obvious to you that you love your husband well then do the right thing and cut contact with your old flame. If not then you might just end up alone without either of them.
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