A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex broke up at the beginning of this year. We weren't sleeping together, we were arguing and we just couldn't agree on anything. After lockdown it was a slow build up that tore us apart. Some really bad arguements happened and we really couldn't be in the same house anymore after 6 years together. We were pretty much the perfect couple for four of those years. From the outside no one would ever think we would break up. But we did. So I moved out and did my own thing. I met someone and they turned out to be one of the worst things that happened to me but luckily it ended relatively quickly. Then I got hooked on meeting younger men for dates. It was/is I guess an ego boost but it's also a bit empty and soulless as we're at totally different points in our lives and so I don't see anything could come of it or nothing has so far. My ex wanted me back. He said we could work on things. But I just know I don't feel that attraction for him. Is it possible to get it back ? I miss the life we had but I also don't want to go back thinking we could both end up hurt again. And I don't want to spend it as I did for the last two years of our relationship - only having sex because thats what couples are supposed to do. I didn't enjoy it or get anything from it and he never lasted more than a minute or two anyway. I loved him and his family and we had this whole life planned out and now my life is quite empty feeling without that love and family but I have had a really good sex Life. It's a catch 22. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can fix anything and if I should just let him go to live his life. But a huge part of me wants that life too. But the thought of arguing over the same things and the bad sex leaves me feeling depressed.
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male
reader, Chip  +, writes (15 November 2021):
 Why would you want to get back with an abusive ex? You said yourself that during sex, he only lasted about a minute and I know you need more than that to achieve an orgasm. Sounds like some of the younger guys might be the answer. Sex is usually pretty amazing, if you are into, so enjoy yourself and don't let that hot hole go lacking.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Your relationship ran its course, read back what you have written the answers are in your own words. Let the ex go, don't have meaningless sex, learn to be okay with yourself and being single and the right person will enter your life when the time is right x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Hey, listen! Your hesitation and inner-gut feeling is trying to tell you something! Reminiscing on the good-ole days is nice; but you should be more considerate of what things were like for the last two years, which culminated in the breakup.
Revisit the problems and disagreements that plagued the last two years of your defunct relationship! How does that make you feel?
You might want to take it easy on those rebound-relationships. It's normal to feel less attractive and a little undesirable after a breakup. Some people resort to drugs, heavy-drinking, promiscuity, or some form of self-destructive behavior. It may be a form of pleasure; but everything that feels good isn't good for you!
It's part of the post-breakup phase of detachment. You develop some separation anxiety, and have some withdrawal from the loss of dopamine. Singleness feels solitary at times. That's really healthy for your growth and regaining your independence. Even when things were at their worse; due to dependency, you still had the security of having each-other available and accessible. If for no other reason; than to argue and fight! Loneliness wasn't a pressing issue, until you finally had to face it. Loneliness allows for introspection; which is also necessary for self-improvement.
Jealousy creeps in; especially with us menfolk, hating the idea of somebody else giving our ex sexual-pleasure. Some guys only want their exes back; because they hate the thought of them being with somebody else. Women hate the thought of some other female offering him something you couldn't. Especially, if you're seeing more people than he is; and he is aware of it! That's all about ego and male-pride. Maybe his friends have seen you out and about with other men; or some of your mutual-friends are gossiping, and he has caught wind of it. Maybe your running around with younger-men was subconsciously for his benefit; hoping to remind him of what he's missing or has lost. Knowing he must be out there having the time of his life as well. Jealousy is toxic, even if you don't believe that's your motivation. It's natural to have that kind of denial.
I don't recommend going back, not with some of the negative things you've said. You don't feel that attraction for him anymore. Then you'll have to deal with his resentment of your sex-life after the breakup. If he has met or seen any of the men you've been with; then there's that problem to contend with. If any of the women he's been with are attractive, or you feel to be more attractive than you; then it's that problem.
I think you both need to move on. Don't kick a dead horse, or try to revive it. The relationship died; and you didn't opt to fix-it before it shattered. Second-guessing yourself, giving-in to loneliness, or ruminating about the past good-times is the reason for so many failed-reconciliation attempts. He's not going to bide well with knowing you've been with a few other men. It might be his only motive for wanting you back. Remember, you don't feel the same attraction for him anyway. He's not going to like being compared to the other guys you've recently slept with!
Make a list of all the bad things that occurred before your relationship finally broke apart. Consider that people don't just change overnight; and revisiting those problems leading up to a breakup isn't worth the trouble.
First there's a nice chit-chat. You'll feel nostalgic, you'll end-up having post-breakup sex. You may end-up attempting a trial-reconciliation. It goes well for a few weeks, or a few months. You'll suddenly return to reality; and the second breakup is worse than the first! You shouldn't even be asking if you should get back together. You should be focusing on moving-on. Let him deal with it. You don't feel the same for him anymore. That there is your answer, and should be reason enough.
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A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (11 November 2021):
Seriously you can teach him to satisfy you sexually. It seems it might be too late however. If you are just lonely learn to make yourself happy. Jumping from guy to guy to feel validation will just leave u feeling cheap easy and empty.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2021):
 I think you need to examine WHY the two of you really broke up. And then work on "your part" in that. So you will have learned what not to do next time.
Going back to a relationship that fell apart is rarely a good idea. For most people "fixing" what went wrong is impossible.
I can understand missing the good times and the "what could have been", but the reality is that it didn't work out. When things got tough you two no longer worked well as a team.
Think about it, what if you have kids? And can't be in the same house without arguments? That isn't good.
I would wish him well and go no contact.
I would also stop the casual fling thing with younger guys. It is NOT going to help you find a good partner. If you call it soulless then that is what it is. And that is NOT good for you.
I also want to say this, it's common that people who feel their lives are stagnating go back to the LAST successful relationship in hopes that they can relive that time of their lives, only to realize they can't. Life doesn't have do-overs.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (11 November 2021):
 I think that you are already giving enough reasons in your post as to why it would not be a good idea to get back with him. To name but a few, buy your own admission you say the thought of arguing over the same things and the bad sex are two good enough reasons not to go back.
Things are not going to change, if you went back you will be unhappy, because in your heart of hearts you know its the wrong decision.
I think you should refrain from meeting younger guys for sex, as you say its souless and empty.
I feel maybe you should just remain single for a litle while, work on yourself and get that self love back to where it should be.
When you feel ready in yourself start venturing back into the dating game, and eventually you will meet someone who is the perfect fit for you.
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