A
female
age
26-29,
*nLovingDenial
writes:So my fiance and I have had a bumpy relationship. When we first got together like officially, his ex wife didn't want to let go and accept he didn't want their relationship anymore. Things got out of control so we took a break for a year, with absolutely no contact at all. When we did start speaking again he reached out to me, then we made it official once again since his ex was completely out of his life. The only downer was he wasn't able to see his two daughter's that he shares with her for a few months. I never wanted to keep him away from them so when he was in contact with them again, I encouraged it. As we were in the adjusting phase, I hadn't met the girls yet, and their mother was very needy and always calling him to help her with things and to talk to him about things that had absolutely nothing to do with their daughters but I bit my tongue and tried to be patient. Which led to her constantly asking him to go over to talk and him putting her as a priority over me and btw at this point I was pregnant with our son. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was about 7 or 8 months and she had to move to a different house and managed to manipulate him into helping her move. Which in reality he did everything for her while she just did whatever she wanted. I constantly begged him to help me set up our son's nursery and our room. (we share with the baby temporarily since we live with my parents) my requests were always ignored and it even led to me giving birth and the room was empty when we came home from the hospital.. Here we are a month from my son's first birthday and our room still isn't "finished" it's livable but not how I imagined. He never wants to help me with things at home or wants to be home. We're always at his ex wife's house. Which is supposedly so he can see the girls and they can bond with their brother but can't they do that at our house? His ex is obviously but deniably still in love with him which leads to her constantly disrespecting me and he lets her. Yet if I say anything about her he blows up on me. She has a strange need to be close to my son, I don't like it only because she disregards my wishes as his mother and does what she wants, she has even called him her son. Whenever we are going to be headed home she gets mad and hateful and says we're evil for taking our son away from her. When her and I have a bad argument and I try to distance her from my son and myself, he makes arrangements behind my back for her to see the baby.she always waits until we're vulnerable to offer help with something but only to throw it in my face later. During my whole pregnancy and especially the first few months after I gave birth, he would always leave to go talk to her or help her with something but she would always get mad if I was invited or if he didn't show up. When he was there his phone always ended up shut off, dead or out of service. No matter what he would be gone the whole night even to this day he still puts her first, always fights with me accusing me of cheating when I don't talk to any of my friends, he never sees my point of view and refuses to set safe boundaries that work for everyone involved. When she's around, he treats me like I'm not there, barely acknowledges me, doesn't kiss me or show any affection past the point where he's just trying to be mindful of her feelings, he gives her all his attention and conversates with her and laughs with her while he ignores me. They even act like a full family with my son. I feel more like the nanny or surrogate mother when she's around. If I take a shower or lay down with the baby, they act weird when I return. I can't help but feel like they are messing around. There's been so many secret meetings with them and he would try to hide it. And some of the things she says hints that there's something but he denies it. He refuses to set boundaries and keep her at a safe distance but he doesn't seem to care that it's caused me to be really insecure, majorly depressed and nearly want to leave him. What do I do? Am I being crazy? I wanted to try to be the bigger person and be nice so pur blended family could be together and be happy. But the girls don't even respect me, and neither does she and he lets them treat me like shit regardless of how much it hurts my feelings. Why should I make sacrifices to ensure my family to be happy if I'm only happy when I am with my son at home?
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a break, depressed, ex-wife, fiance, his ex, insecure, live with my parents Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): Please, for the sake of setting a good example to your child, just leave this man. His ex wife sounds crazy, and you deserve much better.
Fast forward 20 years - do you want your child to be in a relationship like this? What would you advise they do? Don't let them grow up thinking this is normal.
A
male
reader, Anon21  +, writes (12 November 2021):
Hi OP I am sorry you are feeling this way.
1 - You should get legal advice about issues with your child.If you do not marry your fiance or you get divorced later, and judging by what you wrote you will be in for a legal battle for custody of your child. Your fiance's ex- wife seems to be trying to freeze you out of your child's life.
2 - You should not marry this man with all of these issues concerning his ex-wife are not resolved and he does not support you where she is concerned.
You can asked him if both of you can go and have counseling to try to overcome these issues. You should go by yourself if your fiance does not want to go to talk over the issues.
Your fiance's ex-wife will continue to cause trouble between the both of you if your fiance does not put his foot down and establishes boundaries with her. It seems like she knows how to manipulate your fiance and he lets her do to it. He may still have feeling for her. Why did the divorce in the first place?
You should have seen the writing on the wall when you first seperated from him.
Good luck I hope all goes well with you for the future.
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A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (11 November 2021):
Its up to you to demand the same respect you have given. If not be prepared to leave if you love your son. No one should ever undermine your parenting choices. I would begin preparing to leave. If you are not welcome to join him and his ex he shouldn't be going there either. Simple as that. You obviously are not a priority and it sounds like you are just in their way. Dont disrespect yourself by accepting this type of treatment. The child you have with him should be his top priority. He can co-parent with her without the two of them interacting. Put your child before him or his ex and their kids. Who cares if they have something going on. That is between them and none of your business. Your only concern should be your son. Walk away from your inconsiderate baby daddy. U gotta value yourself more than that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2021):
 In no particular order...
Issue 1:
His ex has absolutely no need to be around your kid and I would put my foot down about it. This would be "a hill to die on" for me. A deal breaker.
Issue 2:
She yells jump and he starts jumping asking how high - and when you ask for help he ignores you. I'm sorry, there should be no MARRIAGE any time soon to this man. UNLESS he gets his priorities sorted out.
Issue 3:
He was willing to not see his kids in order to try and appease both you and the ex, I think... To me, it made no sense why he couldn't see his kids for a couple of months.
YOU need to accept and understand that this woman will ALWAYS be in his life because they have kids. And these kids (and your son) should be his #1 priority. Not the EX nor you. He can't cut her out of his life. He can however decide to ONLY communicate with her about the kids and nothing else, but he chooses to be at her beg and call.
My guess? Did he cheat on her? He feels he OWES her that much. THAT is speculation though.
Issue # ??
I think you have come to realize this is NOT going to work as you as hoped. You should NOT have gotten pregnant with all this drama going on. There were/are too many things that haven't been sorted out after the divorce.
The girls are innocent and only react to how their mom AND their dad talk about you and treat you. So if they are not treating you nicely, that is because of their parents. I would NOT stick around for that crap. He can see his kids but they are HIs responsibility and until they can be (at least) respectful around you, you won't be around them.
Personally? I'd ask him to move out. You stay with your parents and keep your son. He can get visitation but I would put in a caveat that the EX is not to be around your son. AT ALL.
This has disaster written all over.
WHY are you living with your parents? And why is HE living with your parents? Is he much older than you? I'm (again) guessing he is older than you and that he gaslights the shit out of you.
You need to talk to a lawyer, OP - he might want to try and get full custody of YOUR son and then try and work it out with her again.
This is NOT OK, and YOU as a mother DO have the right to decide who can NOT be around your kid. If she is alienating HER kids towards you, when do you think she will start on your son?
Talk to your parents. Get legal help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2021): If I were you . I would make him leave your parents house . I mean what is he contributing to . He ignores you. Leaves you no matter what and hasn't done anything to sort the baby stuff out . They openly flirt act cagey and expect you to just ignore it while going along with what they wish . Nope if it were me . I would talk with my parents and get my dad to boot his ass out the door . I would then seek monies to help raise the baby .
This relationship is going in my eyes nowhere and you know deep down your worth more than this .
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