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Do guys compare their girlfriends to the girls in porn?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2008) 22 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2008)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

do guys compare their girlfriends to the girls in porn?

I was just wondering because my boyfriend watches porn all the time and lately I have had a hard time in bed because I am worried that I am not attractive enough because he'll be thinking of the porn girls and then looking at me and seeing that I don't look like that...

He said he doesn't but do guys do that?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008):

Yos is right!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008):

I can't answer your question because I don't know how men view their partners compared to what they see in porn. But the issue seems to be two things: 1) you said your boyfriend watches porn "all the time", and 2) you are worried and feel you can't compare.

Your reaction is normal. He shouldn't be watching porn to that extent. He either needs to stop because it is hurting you, or you need to move on before your self esteem hits rock bottom. Don't let anyone tell you your reaction is out of line. I would say it would be very strange if you did not react this way to his constant porn viewing. And let's get real--he's whacking off to images of other women. This is hurtful behavior so it's normal you'd feel hurt.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008):

yes from a fantasy element - no way in hell in real life. don't let it bother u, he'll love u because of the reality of the relationship. good luck and god bless.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008):

I wonder if women compare the men in porn to their partners, cause I don't. I'm too busy looking at the sex action myself. Men are surely strange....

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A male reader, locster United States +, writes (6 November 2008):

ABSOLUTELY...An attractive girl in porn with her beatiful full rounds breasts, tight tone stomach, long straight hair down to her plump yet rock solid bubble butt is physically what any straight man desires however their are not enough of these women to satisfy every man so these women end up chosing only certain males to be their sexual partners. The rest of us are stuck with average or unattractive sexual partners or do not have one at all!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008):

I don't think men honestly compare their girlfriends to pornstars often at all ...

I'll had sex with a variety of women, in relationships and in one night stands, and twice had the fancy of a female porn star, as well.

Honestly?

The sex with the porn stay was just ... blah. She acted like a porn star, and frankly, that isn't much of a turn on. Masturbation to pornography really has little to do with actually wanting to have sex with the person onscreen ... it's getting rid of an urge, and pornography is just an aphrodisiac.

That said, I would never watch porn with a girlfriend to turn us on ...

I believe that there are some people that don't seperate pornography from reality, but they are few and far between. Real people and real men understand that pornography is merely fantasy, not reality, and that it never will be.

Frankly, I would never trade making love to my ol' lady for having sex with a pornstar -- as much as society hides it, emotion is important for men, too. Everyone (women included) sometimes wishes they could have better sex, a hotter mate, with better atributes, but I doubt most of them would trade (especially as they mature -- i.e., past age 18), because making love to someone you care about is always 1000 times better than f*cking some chick with fake breasts.

Just my thoughts on the matter.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (26 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntSome men watch porn and can only remember her big boobs or the sex acts only . He probably cannot remember how she looks like after watching.At that instant they may compare those assets with their g/f's but they will soon forget it on the next action.

Even when he make loves to his partner , he would not observe her big butts or her huge thighs.They have eyes but they cannot see.LOL!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

I don't think porno actresses are attractive. I have seen way more attractive women in real life than I have ever seen in porn. And I probably wouldn't date a guy who liked that kind of "porno-looking girl" anyways. Believe it or not, some guys really do dig that look in real life, while many guys don't dig it AT ALL in real life standards. And for these guys who don't like that look, its like someone below said, they look at porn for the action going on in it and not because these girls look like their dream girls by any means. But for some guys, I am sure porn girls are the spitting image of their dream girls. All guys are different.

And the guys that dig that look in real life, I'd probably have nothing in common with. And its not because I don't like looking beautiful, and being in shape, and wearing pretty dresses and makeup. Its really honestly because I don't like that porn look at all. Like I would never pluck my eyebrows to look like a fine line across my forehead, and don a tramp stamp on the small of my back and yowl like a monkey in bed.

And if you want verification of this fact that's not from the average joe, just look at most of the guys in Hollywood and look at their girlfriends or wives. They are rich and famous, they can get any girl they want, so how come the average Hollywood guy doesn't have a porn star girlfriend?? Think about it. Certainly he could if he wanted to. Like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. Certainly their girlfriends are beautiful but in a classic sophisticated way. By no means do these women look like porn stars.

And then think about porn stars and who they date. If they are so perfect and can get any guy they want, how come they are not dating super hunky leading actors or cool guys like that?? Its because alot more guys than you think really do not like porn stars. And they probably too look for a little bit more than just looks in a woman. Every guy is different and all guys have different tastes. And many guys genuinely do not like that look at all. Its the truth.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

I watch porn all the time and I still think the majority of porno actresses aren't all that attractive to me. The porn industry attracts a certain type of person, and that's not my type. But if I'm gonna watch porn, there's gonna have to be somebody acting in it.

I think a lot of girls and women make a little too much out of these porn issues. I also watch violent action movies, but that doesn't mean I want to rob banks and beat up and shoot people all the time in real life.

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A female reader, Cherriepie United States +, writes (25 January 2008):

Cherriepie agony auntPicture this ….its 1885, a young southern bride marries a cowboy that’s been around a few towns and visited a couple whorehouses…he remembers that one girl….lets call her Trixxie…and every time he has sex with his new bride he remembers that one girl because she was the best he ever had. So there he’s comparing different experiences…and even though he loves his bride, he cant help remembering Trixxie from Tombstone. So what I’m saying is the comparisons guys, and us girls make, are usually about who we had sex with in our Real experiences, and I don’t thnk porn has anything to do with it.

i think anybody compares any partner with any relationship they had in the past.. that has nothing to do with porn. What are you going to do….go into the guys head and try to erase his memories about who he had sex with? That’s like a bad science fiction movie, and I don’t want to live it.

1885 they had no porn….and you cant make a cowboy forget that girl Trixxie.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

good God, Yos had he only decent answer...the rest of them condone this rubbish...hey if guys wernt comparing us then they would be watching women who looked like 'everyday women' but no, they have made a decsion that a particular look (we all know the porn star look) is more appealing than what the wives and mothers of their children look like...that is real women with breasts that have fed babies and stretch marsk...tell me, whens the last time you saw a woman like that on the cover of penthouse?

Clearl, despite their lame excuses (which soooo many women are sucked into) they do compare.

Women who say ' be happy he chose you' are unintelligent after all, its NOT a choose, he has no option to be with a porn star, he chose you BECAUSE he cant get a porn star (no personal insult , same for all of us)

Ask any man if he would prefer his wife to have her body after babies or his favourite porn stars body you know what he would want! regardless of the lines he might feed you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

I have sometimes watched porn every day and sometimes not for weeks. I have never compared those "actresses" to my wife. The sex is so fake in porn and not as exciting as if I were to fantasize about sex with my wife many years ago (she's pretty hot now, but she was really hot back then) or with another woman who I dated and liked a lot. The only time that I have ever compared women is after my divorce nearly 30 years ago when I did compare women who I was dating, and even then sex was one of the least important things to compare. I sometimes watch porn when I get up a couple of hours before my wife gets awake in the morning and then go back to bed all horny. The last thing that I am thinking while having sex with her is the woman who I had just watched on the computer screen.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

hlskitten agony auntI can see what Yos is saying. But its extremely common for both sexes to 'imagine' being with someone different when having sex. Might come as a bit of a shock to some people that but i'm afraid its a well known fact. And any relationship counsellor will tell you its normal and not harmful. Its whatever works isnt it. I still dont think people actually 'compare' their partners to porn stars.

No more than we compare anything in life.

C xxxx

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (25 January 2008):

Yos agony auntI have to disagree with the other aunts.

As much as a man might not consciously make the comparison, on a subconscious level the comparisons are unavoidable. The associations between (his) sexual arousal and the images he sees, repeated over and over, become stronger and stronger (google 'pavlov' to find out more). The result: sexual arousal and those images become associated and when becoming sexually aroused with you, they'll involuntarily crop up in his mind. It just happens.

It's really just the same as me saying 'golden arches, billions served' to you and you thinking 'McDonalds'. Except even less benign.

I'm not sure you can call that 'comparison' exactly, but its not a bad word to describe having visual images of other naked women in your head as you have the real thing in front of you.

Please note, i'm not saying this happens continuously or even on a very vivid level for everyone. But, on some level (depending on the person), it is happening.

I think men like to deny this for various reasons, there are two main ones. The first is some shame on some level (beneath the recent social acceptance it has), and the other is that they like porn, and don't want to consider giving it up, despite the benefits of doing so.

What saddens me is how accepting women have become of their boyfriends using porn these days. I don't really understand why that is. My guess would be because really pushing the subject is just to difficult because most men are just unwilling to contemplate the alternative. But that's just a guess.

I'll probably get told off for saying what i've just said. The full answer would take about 10 thousand words and references to a variety of scientific papers! Not something to do here.

One last thing: I'll agree with SamuraiRick when he says that frequency is important. Occasional porn watching is going to have a minor effect on someone, but watching it all the time is going to have a much more significant effect, and can even lead to addiction. That's the thing to really watch out for.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi again.

Was just reading the answer from hlskitten, and its true as you get older you do become more confident. It's amazing really! your body doesn't look as good as it did, but you feel less threatened, by younger women. I cant work it out?

I have worked in the fashion industry for many years, and have often mixed with models, and perfect looking people. When I was younger, I had a great figure, I was always very well dressed and fairly ok looking. But I spent my life comparing myself to these other people. I was always very insecure about my apearance, next to them, I felt rather short, and not up to scratch.

Now I am a lot more confident, and I realise there are so many other things more important to worry about.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

hlskitten agony auntCant answer for guys but any guys ive known that have liked porn (amazingly not all do!) have said they never compare their women to them. I mean, would you compare the guys on there to yours? I know i wouldnt.

Porn does little for me so its not really an issue at the present time but i have no probs with a guy im with watching or looking at it. Many moons ago i did ask a similar question to myself when a guy i was with had grot mags but soon got over that. I was a good 10 years younger then. And he was a good 10 yrs younger than me! As you get older you actually get more confident about yourself i think. So women on tv, on films or in mags dont actually bear any relivence. Just my thoughts anyway.

C xxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

I can only speak for myself, and no, I don't make any comparison between my better half and porn 'actresses'.

Porn is all much of a muchness anyway, and once you've seen three of them you've just about seen the rest. That being the case, porn producers have to keep getting more extreme otherwise it would be like watching Groundhog Day over and over again.

Like Tellulah, I don't really see a problem with it as it's just fantasyland. The expressions on the girls faces and the noises they make during fake orgasms bears no resemblance to any woman I've ever been with anyway. No woman would act like that unless she had a cucumber up her backside and a red-hot poker in her pussy! Most of the stuff is plain laughable. That said, the 'actresses' don't get the job unless they've got an unusual, not to say abnormal, set of statistics, just the same as the men they're acting with.

To put things in perspective, how many men do you see on here asking if women compare their partners to the studs in porn films with 10" todgers that seem to be able to keep it up for hours on end? Thankfully I'm aware that they can only use at best just over half of it before it 'hits the buffers' or I could get to feel very inadequate! I'm also aware that performance-enhancing drugs are widely used, so that ain't natural either.

So I'd say relax, if he's seen loads of this stuff he probably gets no more excitement from it than you would from reading a romantic novel when it got to the juicy bits.

Phil

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A male reader, SamuraiRick United States +, writes (25 January 2008):

SamuraiRick agony auntI personally never compare women I date with porn stars...although I have known a few that could have been good in porn (I mean good in bed). Porn is fantasy and I don’t expect any woman to compare to them. Yes some porn stars are hot; that’s why they are hired to do that. But similarly I wouldn’t compare a woman I dated with a model or actress. Each woman I know and meet has a beauty unto themselves. I have dated many that hotter than porn stars...so there.

A lot of men, like myself, can watch porn as pure entertainment, and can still maintain a good relationship. I don’t think about porn stars when I am having sex with my partner...I’m only into her and only her. All women have their own style, likes and dislikes unique to themselves, when it comes to having sex. I accept that and never pressure a woman to do anything she doesn’t want. It’s the exploring of her own sexuality that makes it fun. I never know what to expect from a girl ...and sometimes the results are better than your average porn. Basically you can see all kinds of things in porn...many of which you should never do, such as gang bangs, or unprotected sex with strangers…and other things unmentionable (not to say I watch all this stuff!). Its fantasy and I leave it there. Like the previous post said it’s watching the act itself and not the actresses that make an entertaining porn movie.

So personally I approach porn with a healthy attitude. I’m not addicted to it but watch it occasionally for entertainment, just as I would watch any movie or sporting event. But I can’t speak for other guys. I am mature enough to know the difference between fantasy and reality. More women watch it now too, so it’s not as taboo as it once was. I don’t worry about woman comparing me to the porn guys they see. I think I am better than them anyway. So that would be my attitude if I were a woman….just to be you and not worry about comparisons with anybody…porn stars or anyone. You want the guy to love you for who you are and only you…..and whatever you do in bed.

PS…you say your guy watches it all the time. That’s what should alarm you. It could be an addiction for him, and that’s something you need to discuss with him. Any addiction is not good…this kind of addiction could be harmful to his psyche and your relationship.

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A male reader, anon_e_mouse United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

anon_e_mouse agony auntI agree with the ladies here.

Nothing beats the real thing and with that special emotional connection, feelings of love and affection, porn simply doesn't even compare to a "real" woman, especially one you love/care about.

At the end of the day it's just porn. No different than girls fancying Jonny Depp or Brad Pitt oe whoever.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (25 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntThose porns are just for virtual stimulations only. But they know the real thing from those celluloids. Those are beautiful to look at but untouchables.Males can compartmentalized their thoughts. It is like a fantasy.

Remember the men have a single track mind. When they are doing it with you, they cannot think of other things.

They may compare in their mind but they will accept you as their real partner.

You should banish such thoughts and jusy enjoy it with him

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntNo honey its just porn.

I doubt that if you asked him the day after watching it, he could remember the colour of thier hair.

Why do girls get so hung up on men watching porn anyway. If you think about it, they have no chance of actually getting one of these girls anyway, and more to the point would they want to.

Let him get on with it! I bet he would rather have a saucy night with you anyday. There's nothing like the real thing is there?

XX

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A female reader, confused.i.is United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

confused.i.is agony auntI think men are more intersted in the act itself as opposed to who it is.

Remember too, that these are not the normal girl in the street, these are being paid to have sex, do you really think he is going to be thinking of someone who gets paid to have sex?

I really don't think so.

Be proud of yourself and who you are, he is with you because he loves you.

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