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My boyfriend got another girl pregnant. What should we do?

Tagged as: Pregnancy, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2008) 25 Answers - (Newest, 24 November 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

me and my boyfriend dated 3 years ago for a year. we were truley in love. Because of my family not being to fond of him we broke it off and i was depressed for along time. I never really got over him and he never got over me. We met up again and my family grew fond of him finally. He is doing alot better. Has a great job. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. We are so in love with eachother and are with eachother all the time. I just found out that someone he had slept with before we got back together is pregnant. She is certain it is his. He said theres only a chance. He said he would do whatever i wanted him to. It hurts me that he will have to go through his first child experience with someone else while I watch. He loves me and doesnt care about the mother but wants to be there for the child, but said he doesnt have to and wil wait for the DNA test. Am I being selfish if I tell him not to go to the doctors appts and be in the labor room? This is so hard for me. What should I do

View related questions: depressed, got back together, money

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A female reader, bright.beautifulK90 United States +, writes (24 November 2010):

First of all I just want to say that I respect you for coming on here and voicing what is going on in your life and being so honest about how you are feeling. I am currently going through the same situation and I can definitely identify with you and I know it is nothing but easy. To give you a little back drop I've only been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and the babies (Yes twins!) l0l were conceived 1 month after we first met and we pretty much had a open relationship. I can't tell you how difficult it is when the child is born because it hasn't got to that point yet but I can tell you in the months you have until they do come it really is best to focus on yourself. This doesn't mean to break up with him or to fall out of love, but I've learned that I myself am the only one who will have my best interest in mind. During these past couple of months so many different things were going through my mind, and I'm sure yours also. The most important thing that I found was that you have time to clear your mind and to know what you want for yourself and then what you want for the relationship. I found it very important to learn more about myself. My weaknesses and my strengths because the truth is this is not going to get any easier so when changes do arise it will be easier to adjust because I know myself better. Even though the child is not in scenario as of yet they will be eventually and I feel if I'm not content within myself and within my relationship then disaster will only come from it. I hear so many stories of woman who thought they could handle it and see it through, and grew hating their boyfriend so much. However, I don't think it is fair to put all that hate on the bf. You know the situation, its either you learn to cope and deal with it or you leave and trust that God will bring another great love into your life. As far as doctor appts. and the delivery of the baby I'm not going to sit here and tell you want to do, but rather tell you a little about my situation. Its been a short 8 months but I love the man my boyfriend is mistakes and all. He has taken responsibility for things he has done in the past and works like a slave so when the children(if his) do come into this world he can give them the best life he can. It sounds crazy but if my boyfriend was a dead beat and wasn't in his children's lives I would leave him, because I didn't fall in love with that type of man. I don't know your history and your family life but I'm guessing when you were born and came into this crazy place we call earth your father was there to greet you. And even if he wasn't you recognize the pain of having a absent father (as do I) so who am I or who are you to rob an innocent life of that? These situations even though they seem big and overwhelming to us, they have nothing and I repeat nothing to do with that innocent life that comes into this world. Its not about me or him or the mother but more importantly these children and that there not robbed of what I think any child deserves. That being a loving mother and a loving father present in their life (even if the parents are not together). I hope sharing my situation helped you gain some insight and I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. Stay Strong!3

P.S.

I really have to commend my boyfriend. It sounds crazy, but he knew what was best for me before I knew what was best for myself. Initially I didn't want anything to change I wanted us to put it in the back of our minds and when they're born they're born and we'll see what happens. But through his actions he made it apparent that the best thing was for me to take time and focus on me and what was best for myself, and he did that selflessly. I could of left and said good riddins that was a risk he was willing to take, and I think when you can love someone selflessly then thats real love.

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A female reader, Maaeexo United States +, writes (11 November 2010):

I am going through pretty much the same thing you're going. My boyfriend & I have been together for 4 years now. We started dating in high school. He took my virginity & since then, it's been soo hard for me to leave him cus we have so much history I can't let go of. I am madly in love with him, yet he got his sister's bestfriend pregnant. I can't play the blame game because I am the reason he cheated on me in the first place because I had a history of guys pursuing me and I would fall in their trap while I was drunk. We broke up before our 2 year anni because of my unfaithfulness, but 6 months later, we tried working things out again & I told him that if he ever cheats on me because I have in the past, then tell me now & I'll let you do whatever you want & move on. But he claimed he would never, so we progressed. I changed my ways of unfaithfulness because I was young when I cheated. I was only 16-17 while he was 19-20. I am now 19, with more mature intentions.

(This is the story)His sis' friend moved in w/ them because her parents kicked her out for getting pregnant with a second child. I was cool with it because I trusted him & she was nothing like his type so I was sure he would NEVER do anything with her. 6 months pass, and I get a call from my bf's sis' bestfriend and she tells me they had a one night stand while they were both drunk and now he may be the father. I cried everynight after I found out. He told me he was sure it wasn't his. So we left it at that, 'til two months later, I saw a pic of her newborn baby that looks so much like my bf! So I forced him to take a dna test. Results were right, he is the father. I've learned to accept it, because I basically am the reason he became unfaithful. It kills me inside knowing that I didn't share that feeling of having our first child. But that's life. Take it or leave it. I choose to deal with him and the mother of his child, but my plans for OUR own family never changed. I am still slowly over-coming the pain & I hope you do as well.

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A female reader, iz07a Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (11 March 2010):

my exboyfriend and i have been together for 5 yrs. the thing is, he has a 4 yr old daughter. 1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. she's a real bitch. he was told that he could not have any children so i thought she wasnt his. all the time i thought so until 1 faithful day, i got pregnant. so we have a 8mth baby. am hurting right now since he pretended that he thought the lil girl wasnt his an all that time, he has been supporting financially, visiting occationally and he even had dat whore by him while i was pregnant an he never told me. well for their daughter's birthday. i jus hate the fact he lied an hide, he should have been honest an help me deal wit this. but he chose to hide. so i end the relationship with him...3 days ago. my friend adbiced me to never go back with him cause i could never know if he lied about other things. i know he loves me an thats just the problem, she's not in the situation i n an do not understand how i want to make this work especially for our son.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010):

I ve been through what you have been through but truly speaking yes you end up wanting to make you en ur bf relatoinship work yes the baby mom will always be in the pictrue in the long run my love 4 da guy faded away en i hated him 4 hurting me so much im even scared to love nw bt be strong

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A female reader, Silent wing South Africa +, writes (10 February 2010):

I ve been through what you have been through but truly speaking yes you end up wanting to make you en ur bf relatoinship work yes the baby mom will always be in the pictrue in the long run my love 4 da guy faded away en i hated him 4 hurting me so much im even scared to love nw bt be strong

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A female reader, Lisa Belize Belize +, writes (22 September 2009):

Hi,

Im in a similar situation that your in so i know how hard it is. The difference is he got the girl pregnant when we were just getting in. Its not easy. Before the baby was born i tried to program my mind that this wont affect you and i thought i could have dealt with it that's until the baby was born and i saw how happy he was. it was heart breaking. i wanted to be the one that he shared that first feeling with and now someone just stole that away from me was how i felt.Im still with him as I love him so much, but what i do is i dont ask too much question that i know will make me feel bad. It's not fair to the child coming into this world because they didn't ask to be in that kind of situation so its unfair to make him leave whether or not him being apart of the child's life to you. You should make him know he needs to do whathe has to do and if you love him you will understand and try to cope with it. Its hard but just try to be mature ...xoxo lisa

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A female reader, yelyah77 United States +, writes (16 April 2009):

ok, me and my boyfriend started dating may 26 of last year and 2 weeks later a girl that he had a one night stand with called and said that she was pregnant with his baby, but she had a boyfriend so there was a chance that it was not his baby. the test came back that it was his and it really sucks bc when he got home from basic traing for thanksgiving i got pregnant. so he has a 3 month old baby with this girl and she said that he cant b around him without her or her mom there and im not aloud to b there. i dont think that this is right at all, my boyfriend doesnt seem to care about what i think. like the other day he left and went to this girls house for what he said was only going to b an hour and i was at work i got off and he was still there i didnt have my key and he was not picking up the phone he was with her and his baby. he does not understand why i dont think this is ok and it just herts me that he wont listen to anything that i say he is so mean to me but nice to her and im having his kid to. im 16 and this is way to much for me to handdle. i dont think that u r wrong at all for not wanting him to go to those things. u may not think it now but if he does it is really going to effect your relationship if he does go. and when he see's that baby its all going to change no matter what he say's now bc my bf said that he was going to sighn his rights away and now all he ever wants to do is go see that baby and they wont allow me to go, which i think is bullshit bc his baby is going to b my babys brother. im not trying to tell u what to do. its just going to be hard for u bc it is his baby and no matter what he says ur realationship is going to change and mostlikley he will pick the baby over you, but not everyone is like that. im srry for what happened to u and i hope everything works out. u have a hard road ahead of u.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008):

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and the girl he slept with. If you know it is going to be forever with your boyfriend, you need to focus on ths child's life. If he really is your love, you need to let him know your uncomfortableness but be supportive. This is hard for him too. Choose the life that will make you most happy! If it's with him the child is a part of that and you need to work out everything with the birth mother.

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A female reader, Junebug2589 United States +, writes (22 November 2008):

Junebug2589 agony auntIam currently going through the same exact thing (like seriously, EXACTLY the same thing) and I have the same questions.. Im trying to stay strong as long as I can, with the time passing and getting closer and closer its getting harder and harder. My nerves are eating me alive. I just hope our love is strong enough. And you know, thats all that really matters. If you truely love him try your hardest to make it work. If you feel your love is fading because of this then thats your first sign you need to let go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008):

I don't think your being selfish at all!! If they were still a couple i could understand why he should attend all the appointments with her but there not!! There is no reason for him to hold her hand while she is in Labour. As long as he plays an active role in the babys life that's all that matters.

This story is soo similar to mine!! My bf got another chick pregnant too. I really resent the fact that i'm getting punished because my ex at the time couldn't keep his c-ck in his pants or at least keep it covered!!! I'm not sure if i'll be hanging around though i love him but he made his bed n laid in it with another girl so now thats where he can keep laying!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008):

Im in the same thing you are in i hurts me when me and my boyfriend been trying to have baby for 3 years but it didnt work .. you should tell he be there for the baby and you guys can work our relationship out I know its hurts Im sorry for what you're tought so ,,, Just put a Smile on your face. its going to ok girl...

you anymore Questions just send on yahoo or myspace.com

if you have them .... [email address blocked] or myspace.com/Lil_shawty20081

Im not a Doctor

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008):

Girl, don't date him! I agree with the first person who responded...if he got somebody else pregnant, it's over!

Seriously, do you really want to become the full-time unpaid babysitter?...because that is what usually happens in these situations(as someone mentioned their parents said). You'll end up doing all the dirty work -- cleaning messes, dirty diapers, discplining, stepping on spilt toys -- without any of the "fun" stuff such as the pregnancy, naming the baby, or having it be yours. Ever hear of a doormat?...that's what you're being by staying with him. If a guy knows he can get away with stuff, then he will eventually try to get away with other stuff too...such as taking advantage of your willingness to babysit if you let him. Then you'll essentially be a single mom without the blood or tax benefits. And I think you or somebody else already mentioned how painful it is that his first time being a father won't be with you. Do you really want to save YOUR first time being a parent for somebody that didn't save THEIR first time for you?? Come on, there's plenty of other guys out there that DON'T have kids yet.

Sure he's with YOU now, but you don't think there's a possibility he will get back with the "baby momma" sometime down the road? All she has to do is threaten to not let him see their child. She can have him "kid whipped"(same idea as "d--kwhipped" or "p-ssywhipped") very easily if she wants.

Besides, I do not think it is a good idea that he left the girl he got pregnant. Did he know about the pregnancy before they broke up? Even if he didn't find out until after he was with you, I do not think it is a good idea for him to be dating right now. It's not fair to the baby, the baby's mom, or YOU.

He says that there's "only a chance" that the kid is his? He is mostly saying that to sugarcoat things and give you hope. Yes technically there is a "chance" that the kid might not be his, because after all, he has no true way of knowing who else this "other girl" may have slept with unless he followed her around 24 hrs a day.

Please do yourself and others a favor by moving on. In high school my friend went through this scenario. She wrote off the guy and moved on...smartest thing she did. Years later, another girl I know is going through this right now, but she's taking the "doormat" approach by staying with the guy and even offering to take care of the child, despite her devastation that she's been with him (on and off) for 6yrs and always wanted kids with him but now he's having kids with someone else. I'm sure she will learn to regret her decision, as she regretted dating another guy that was a golddigging mooch and later turned physically abusive. So leave him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008):

My bf cheated on me and she got pregnant. There is no talking yourself out of this, ladies. It's done. There is nothing we can do about it. Even if I still "love him", even though he says he still loves me, it's over. Forever.

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A female reader, kmart United States +, writes (24 July 2008):

If only it was that simple i impregnated a girl while i was with someone i truly love we have been 2gether for 2 years the other girl is 19 were both 25 we all went to the same school which my girl already graduated. i barely knew the other girl but that doesnt matter now she recently had twins and how am i suppose to tell my girl who just ask me the other night was i having a baby i told her no i believe this is my problem and to keep it contained i cant tell my girl the other girl says its stupid but i believe in show and prove if im able to be there for my kids and un alter my life with her as time passes maybe a year shell see how me having a baby didnt ruin our life i know my girl very well and shes not stupid but i dont have many options im also going bk to school in the fall where the other girl will be she doesnt think well even be able to talk (alot of people at the school know who my girlfriend is and might tell her ive been talking to her my sister told me i need to get a pat. test but i kinda believe ther mine...you really shouldnt sleep with people you dont know inaddition she had a boyfriend around the same time so i dont know what to think i believe i can do the right thing because i feel my girlfriend who i plan on marrying and those babys are just as much my family as my mom or dad i need advice quick the other girl doesnt really care about me or my girl and she wouldnt be mad if i feel off the face of the earth another thing is she had the babies 2months early?

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A female reader, haley 22 United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2008):

i am in a similar situation. my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 months and he has been honest about the fact that he got a girl pregnant from the start. i am willing to stand by him no matter what as i am completely in love with him. the catch is that i am from australia and he is from new zealand. we live in london on working holiday visas and the girl he got pregnant is from sweden! he now has to decide whether he is going to move to sweden to support the baby. this is huge for both of us but especially him as he desperately wants to support his child and he feels that it is asking too much of me to move there with him. it is messing him up and now he will barely talk to me as he just can't decide what is the right thing for him to do...please if you have any suggestions on how i can make this easier for the man i love and for myself it would be appreciated!

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A female reader, lisa4mark United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2008):

i am in the same situation now but worse he slept with her when i was with him it was just after his grandad died that he had a drunken mistake,but the girl has been saying its been goin on for 6months i dont want to belive her but she told me ages ago that she slept with him but i belived him but she was right,and he says he loves me and dont care about her but will want to be there for the baby and im ok with that but im really depressed now as i had an abortion a year ago as im to young(20might not be young for some people but it is to me)to have a kid and i dont really want a kid but now my bf has got a kid now,he will take a dna test just incase it isnt his,i dont no what to do some people are telling me to leave him but i have forgave him,i would neva cheat on him id have no excuses im not saying that his grandad dieung was an exuce but if she says it has been going on for long then i dont no what to do ,but i no i will stand by him no matter what but if he does it again then i wont be so forgiving,not trying to sound bitchy but i am really hurting and the pains goin to get worse and worse so please give me advice please thanks x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008):

Hi there, I too am in the same situation and am not sure what to do. My boyfriend and I dated for 10 months and we broke up. After a couple of months, we started seeing each other and reconnecting. Things are so much better now for us however during the break-up period, he got someone else pregnant.

He says he cares for me immensely and thinks our relationshiup is worth working out. He said it would be my decision whether I want to stay with him or not knowing he is having a baby with someone else. He said he will accept anything I decide. I too think we are worth it and am so in love with him.

I know that he is a wonderful person and has always been good to me. He is the one I want to spend my life with and form a family. I just don't know what to do. My heart is broken and I am so hurt. I really need some advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

Same situation except he isn't my bf again....well yet. I decided to wait it out till the baby is born. His family is very involved in it seeing as its the first baby girl of the family. It upset me at first because I figured it shouldn't be her....it should be me but then I realized that I was the one who left and I cannot blame him for something that happened when we weren't together. Thing happen and people make mistakes and you can only learn from them. Ive decided to be optimistic about it. There really isn't much else I can do. i want to be supportive of him. And her for that matter. I used to see it as she was trying to trap him but I don't know if thats the case anymore. Ive always been jealous about it because I figured she got all the firsts. His first baby, first baby girl...ect. But then I sat and thought of all the firsts I could end up with....wedding, twins(which i really really want!)ect ect. I will also be that person the girl(Name:Alexis Mackenzie)may choose to go to when she doesn't feel so comfortable talking to her mother. I may be the first person to see her walk or talk you never know. If you love him so much then all you can do is support him. If he wants to go to ultrasounds and hospital visits then its his way of making sure hes part of the babies life and making sure the mother wont think "oh he doesn't care...he doesn't want to be around..well he doesn't need this baby then." My guy isn't all that excited about it but hes making the best of it. He has been to 2 ultrasounds and she has one month to go. He hasn't been a huge part of the process so I know if one day it happens he will be very excited when it comes to us. Im a very optimistic person. And I have support from his family. They know the situation sucks and they have told me many times that it should be me instead of her but its life. You deal. If you love him....your heart will find a way to deal with it. believe me I know the jealousy. My ways of trying to get over it are trying to be involved as much as possible. I have set him up for free stuff online and buying him a bunch of stuff for the baby that I know he needs and I know hes not going to be too keen on diapers so Ill help him change them and do the late night wake ups for him. He will be a great father. I know he will. He has had a lot of trouble growing up(which is why we broke up in the first place) and I think this baby may do the trick. I have seen him transform before my eyes. I have searched for someone in the same shoes as me and Im finally glad to see someone is. Just remember if you love him and he loves you, you will work through it no matter how hard it is right now. its not an easy situation to be put in. My family HATES him and they have never really gotten along and now with the baby on the way they say "oh ure going to be taking care of someone elses baby....oh theres baggage for you.....oh he will not be allowed near us or our house" theres a lot to deal with but I know you can work through it. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. It bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark. That looks on tempests and is never shaken." That gets me through everyday!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

im in the exact same situation, only, im the "other woman".

I know that straight away youd probably hate whoever your bf's gotten pregnant, but youve no idea what shes actually going through love.

I found out after a few months that the guy who i was seeing had another life with someone else he loved. Before i found out, it took one stupid night without protection, for me to find out after we split, i was pregnant.

I chose to have the baby as iv never belived in abortion (killing your own) which is my choice i dont need critisism or debates about that!

I regret ever paying him any attention, i dont regret having a baby! i told him more or less right away, he chose to go back to his love and propose to her, acting like nothings happned. His choice, although i have no respect for him as a father or a person. I really feel sorry for his missus though. she probably still has no idea what hes been up to. i dont think shell ever know. the point in this is to show you that if you love your bf enough youll get past the fact hes possibly got a child on the way and be grateful hes been honest with you. he technically hasnt cheated if you were on a break, and be thankful he wants something to with his child. it shows hes responsible, if happned to you, youd expect him to play a part in your childs life wouldnt you? i really stress you to see things from both sides of this dilemma or i dont think youll compromise.

Best wishes love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

First of all you need to ask yourself are you ready to help bring up a child as this is not just your boyfriends responsability if you are in a relationship.

Second of all you need to ask your boyfriend if he is really willing to give your relationship the full attention it deserves as having a new baby, in all relationships is a very emotional and testing time.

However if you do love your boyfriend as much as you say you do the only thing you can do is be there for him and be strong as when this baby comes hes going to feel a lot of mixed emotions. as for the appionments and the birth why not ask if you can attend some of them that way you won't feel left out and you will also be sharing this special moment as a couple. Try and build a good relationship with the babys mother that way your boyfriend wont feel torn and your relationship wont feel the strain.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

It's up to you. Really, what do you think? You two need to have some serious conversations.

Guys having babies by other women isn't always like it is in the movies. He loves you, he'll stand by you. But don't make him miss out on experiences with his child. If he wants to be there at doctor's appointments and in the labor room, I wouldn't stop him. Tell him that it's hard for you, but it's his decision. He can't really fob it off on you, otherwise if he has regrets later, it might be subconsciously be blamed on you.

Its hard. Good luck. :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

It is his problem not yours. If he got the girl pregnant (which the DNA test will say yes or no to) he has to work out the solution. If he says he doesn't care about her, watch out - you could get pregnant and be in the same situation. He has to take responsibility for himself.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (25 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf he cares for you ,he should not be in contact with her till the baby is born and confirmed by DNA that it is his. He may have to pay for the baby's expenses or he could be sued for the baby's maintenance.

If you love him, you will have to accept this situation.You could try and see if you are able to live this way.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi there,

He made a mistake, and he should have been more carefull. But he sounds like a nice guy really and you should stand by him.

He doesnt have to go to doctors appointments, or to the hospital when the she is giving birth. But he does have an obligation to look after the child, which he seems to want to do.

Is there any chance that you could get together with the ex and lay the cards down on the table. After all, he wants to be the childs father (providing its his). And you could end up having the child stay with you, in your new home.

I know it sounds like the end of the world to you, but honestly, you can get over this if you love each other that much.

You just need to talk (all three of you) and lay down some conditions.

I hope you sort things out

XX

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A female reader, confused.i.is United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

confused.i.is agony auntYou should not be jealous of a child.

Could it be you are concerned he might bond with the mother?

Would you rather not have a partner who wants to do the right thing and be responsible? Surely that is why you love him, because of who he is.

From the onset you can be part of that child's life too, if you are a part of his the child will be a part of yours.

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