A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, my story is a bit long. My ex of three years dumped me for no reason five months ago. He then had no contact after we split up. I'm still suffering from the pain and always wonder where went wrong. We were so in love and talked about marriage. We constantly fought before the breakup, mostly about his female friends. I got jealous because they were too close and touchy. I've told him that I didn't like it a couple of times. He didn't care but told me not to be worried. The girl has a boyfriend and there's nothing on between him and her. I asked him for the explanation of why he dumped me yesterday. After 5 months, he finally gave me one. He said I was overreacting, not trusting him and accusing him dating the girl. Plus I was controlling and kept adding pressure on him while he's studying abroad and trying to make money to finish school and survive. Trust was always a big issue between us because he cheated on me twice and was caught kissing other girls when we were together. Every time he made a mistake, he cried and told me how much he loved me. Some times he asked his friends and father to call me or send me messages telling me how much he loved me and cared for me,so I forgave him again and again.After hearing the reason why he dumped me, I'm hurt again. While I still remember the good times we had even when he dumped me, he only remembers how bad and bitchy I was. Do dumpers always remember the bad memories after they break up with someone?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): O, give me a break! I can't believe how some people don't see the situation how it is and always will be. Your boyfriend is not monogamous, it's simple as that. He will always cheat and sleep with other women, this is how just some people are. He broke up with you because you were getting on his nerves by nagging about his behavour. I would just dump him first. Do you really want someone who cheated on you already few times, and keeps on working on it? Don't you tink you kind of deserve more than a cheating man in your life? Why you even were talking about marriage? Do you want a father of your children sleep with other women and put you into danger of catching STD? He will never change. He will cheat with you, and other women. Then may be he will take a break and then he ll cheat again. Why do you even care if has memories or feelings about you. You are lucky he is gone and I hope forever this time for your own sake!
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 July 2013):
"he dumped me for no reason" - sounds like you're in denial. You listed a ton of reasons why the relationship wasn't as good as you think it was. It sounds to me like you should have dumped him awhile ago.
The dumpers usually remember the good times, but it's the bad times that cause a breakup, not the good times. The dumpee is often the more tolerant of the two and/or the more optimistic, so they don't dwell on the bad stuff.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): The only reason why he told you his reason why he dumped you is because you asked.
To me he doesn't even care that much.
Let me tell you why.
base on your story,
1. He cheated on you before.
2. Caught him kissing Other girls.
To me, this guy is clearly a big time Player.
To players, the crying things are just their front act.
Its just a make believe, its not true.
If someone loves you, they will respect and consider your feelings. They will try their very best to meet your expectation because they sincerely love you. It applies even to jerks and players.
Your still hurt, its not doing any good for you, your making yourself sad. get over him. Read my article about how to forget someone you love (the quickest way)
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2013):
 "We were so in love and talked about marriage. We constantly fought before the breakup"
Doesn't that give you the reason why he broke up with you? Constant fighting does that to a relationship.
"Trust was always a big issue between us because he cheated on me twice and was caught kissing other girls when we were together."
Then he did you a huge favour by breaking up with you, because you were too much in love to see that he wasn't good for you. He cheated on you, do you know what that means? It means he didn't love you, respect you, care for you, and saw no future with you. Such a man is not a man you should plan to marry, not even think the thought. Cheating is only a cowardly way for someone to tell you you're not the right one for them, but they don't have the guts to actually break up with you.
He finally mustered up the courage to leave you.
The question, as it seems to me, isn't why he left you (controlling etc), but why he cheated in the first place. Why were you not good enough for him to stay loyal and committed? But the question isn't really why YOU weren't "good enough", the question is rather: what difficulties did you face as a couple, how were these difficulties resolved, and how was the connection between the two of you? In his eyes, the connection wasn't that good, as proven by his cheating. Doesn't have to be anything wrong with you, you just weren't the right one for him. You were in love, but he sounds lukewarm.
Don't be so sad about the loss, because he wasn't the perfect man, and there are other men out there who will stay loyal, committed and honest, and who wont cheat, and who wont argue with you over how their female friends cling on them.
But to answer your real question:
"Do dumpers always remember the bad memories after they break up with someone?"
No, dumpers feel just the way the person who is dumped feel. Except the dumpers feel the bad outweighed the good, while the person getting dumped (if he/she doesn't agree) think that the good outweighed the bad. He remembers all the good times too, but he feels the bad times were reason to end things. Whereas you remember all the bad times too, but you feel the good times made it worth continuing.
Once you find yourself dumped, or after dumping yourself, the best thing is to focus ONLY on the negative. It helps you get over him. And then every time you have a weak moment and think of the good times, remind yourself of all the shitty things he did. That helps to remove any desire to be with him again.
And, really, you deserve better than someone who cheats. Everyone deserves better than that. Don't have your standards so low.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): Yes, dumpers remember the good times and they also care about you. However; he gave you a list of reasons why he left. Most guys don't. He will suffer and grieve the loss. He is a human being just like you are.
It was not an easy decision to breakup with someone you considered marrying someday.
That is, if he really ever intended to. Some guys will rub that in; just to add more sting to the breakup. To make the rejection more lethal. Don't swallow too much poison. You know his past. You know why you were insecure. You're no fool.
This is how a man's mind works in these situations. The male mind works more analytically than the female in a relationship. The female is able to openly express her emotions; and women are better at verbalizing their feelings. Some men fall apart, but usually they do it in isolation. We disappear like a wounded animal, to hide and lick our wounds. We'd rather express anger, then cry.
Men are brought up to be less emotional; and not to express our feelings openly. In most cases when the guy is the dumper, he will avoid confrontation. He doesn't want to deal with your emotionalizing and your raw feelings. It is awkward and uncomfortable. Thus, he will cut you off; and ignore calls, text messages, and completely stop contact. He will go missing for days. It's actually doing you a favor. Your survival instincts will kick in.
During this period, many woman notice frequent updates on his Facebook page. He's dating and seeming to go about life as if nothing ever happened.
It's a facade. He's showing off and being a dick. He is advertising his single status; as a blow to your heart.
Delete him or suffer, like you've never have before.
He's running from his feelings. He feels guilty and he's also worried that you will update your FB page; and hit him with the news you also met somebody else. He wants you to mourn his parting like a funeral. He wants you to emotionalize his loss. It's an ego thing. Women do it too!
You on the other-hand are emotionally distraught, and feeling like you're one step from a nervous breakdown.
The tears flow like faucets; and you can't sleep. You're obsessing on his memory day and night. Been there, done that.
He is internalizing everything; and thinks by having sex with other women, he will numb the loss. It's just a quick fix. He will do everything he can to shield his ego, and try to show how unaffected he is by the breakup.
Until he deals with it, there will be a string of rebound short-term relationships; with a lot of pissed-off women who got dumped. He'll call you out of the blue, not to reconcile or come back. He'll need to know that you're still the one suffering, and grieving over him. He needs that supply to keep his ego fueled, and to keep your healing process in suspended animation. You'll cling to the hope he's coming back.
Convince yourself he isn't, so you can initiate the process of healing and getting over him. Why would you to keep a cheater?
Cheaters have a remarkable way of shifting the blame over to the women they've betrayed. While you're in your grief, you will be so vulnerable; and so willing to take him back, that you will dismiss his deeds and blame yourself!!! You will actually apologize for him cheating on you, and everything he did wrong!
I'll bet you've already done that. Haven't you?
You had every right not to tolerate his cheating and over-extended flirtations with other women. It was disrespectful and showed no regard for your feelings. He has a huge ego, and loved the fact you were jealous. He likes a harem of women around him. All fighting for his attention. He's a dick.
Discontinue any further contact. He will feed you so much
bull manure, you'll believe you, and you only, caused the breakup. You both contributed to some degree; but cheating is a pretty good reason for anyone to feel insecure and lose trust. Male or female, gender doesn't matter. No one likes to be betrayed.
How would he have felt if you cheated on him instead?
At least he gave reasons, although they were tainted full of crap. You were not to blame. He did you a huge favor.
No more enduring his bullshit. Let him go. Start working on your recovery from the breakup. You need no further explanations, no further contact, and no further bull from this guy. Time to clean house. He is gone, good riddance.
Please go online and find ebooks and publications regarding getting over a breakup. Read all you can about the psychological makeup of the mind of men and women who show no remorse or emotion after a breakup. Some people are narcissists. They are incapable of showing emotion. They seem loving, and wonderful. It's all a facade.
The more you educate yourself, and work on accepting the breakup, the better off you'll be psychologically. You have to undergo the phases it takes to break the addiction to another person. The withdrawal is emotionally exhausting and painful as hell. It may seem to go on forever; but you will get through it.
Get rest, take time to let emotions flow, meditate, relax.
You must exercise any way you can to keep your body healthy and your immune system strong. Eat a proper diet, even when you're not hunger. Fruits, veggies, lots of water, and dark chocolate. Avoid sugar and fatty foods. You want to still look great, once you have gotten over that bone-head.
This is time to get closer to your mom and dad. You family will fill in the void you have for the love he took from you. Your good friends will support you.
You will have good days and bad days. They seem to go on forever; and ruminating about your ex will never seem to stop. These feelings fade, day by day. The come and go.,
They even revisit many times. Been there, and done that too.
There are emotional phases to a breakup. Fight your way back. Don't give up. Show that A-hole how strong you are.
Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you crumble; and don't you dare collapse, and answer his calls. He isn't coming back. He will hound you to keep you off-balance. To keep you from recovering and finding a better man.
My dear, days will seem long. If you love yourself, and seek the unconditional love of family and friends, there is no man on earth who can destroy your heart.
Men do feel. They will try to make you believe they don't.
It will hurt even more, when he sees you've gotten over him and moved on. He is delaying his recovery, and will feel the pinch; when he calls you someday, and you won't answer.
No matter how many times and ways he tries to reach you.
I will add more advice.
No friends with benefits. No immediate new relationships. No over-drinking and drugging. Let's "NOT" be friends.
No hysterical outbursts, or scenes; if you run into him in public. Preserve your dignity as a woman. No drunk-texting.
No pleading or begging. No booty calls. You are under reconstruction, your heart is under repair, and your body is off-limits to that jerk.
Got it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): No I have been the dumper and dumpee and when I dumped my last boyfriend it was really hard because we did have awese times together. Maybe you should give him a gentle reminder that people get jealous after being cheated on. He did you a favour by going there are men who dont cheat. You can and will get a better guy x
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