A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help .... I'm dating a guy who only wants to sit on my sofa and watch tv... How do I hint to him that I want to go out ??? We have been dating a month I have known him for years he is a friend of a cousin , in one month we have only gone out 3 times and I can go days without seeing or hearing from him ,the rest of the time he visits he only comes over at 9pm at night when he gets off work to watch our cable and what's worse I still live at home and My Mom is getting upset saying he needs to take me out . What do I do ? He made such a big deal about dating me even asked my Family if we could date like we're in the 1800s lol but now he acts all lazy ... He is a nice guy or I always thought of him as one but I have noticed that he drinks a lot via Facebook his friends post pics of him pasted out . Could him not wanting to go out be because of his drinking ??? Thanks for any input I haven't dated in over a year and don't remember just chillin at the girls house the norm .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2016): Thanks Cindycares I wasn't speaking of you on my other comment I must have mixed up who posted first, my bad. Thanks for the advice basically this guy would invite himself over to my home and sit I had hinted once about going to the Art Museum on his day off (I never saw him on those days he always was cutting grass or visiting his parents? ? ) so he claims. . and he didn't really say much about it so I got shy about ideas after but your right I should speak up. My Mom was upset because she is somewhat old fashioned and knew he blew my Art museum idea off and she could tell I was really bored when he was just watching dumb shows he liked...plus my Mom and I would order pizza every time he came and he never offered to pay even once. My Sister told me to blow him off next time he texted late at night and wanted to come over so I did . I told him I had to get up early and had errands to do which wasn't a lie and I haven't herd from him since. I'm actually relieved. I also found out he has a 3 year old baby he claimed was not his and now is paying child support for .. so I am happy to be away from him .
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2016):
 OP, would you mind to clarify how do you figure that anybody " basically called you a piece of crap ". You refer to poster one, and since I am the first who answered your post I would have assume you mean me - but in this case , all I can say is that I am flabbergasted.
I did not imply that you are a piece of anything. Simply I thought, and not unreasonably, that *maybe * you expected this guy to pay for dates : a ) because it would not be that strange, there are still plenty of women, more than you'd believe, who still think that it's the man that must pay for all dates. Specially in your age range. People in their teens and twenties are more casual and relaxed about who pays for what, but going up in age, the expectations , half of the times, are still rather traditional
b) because of the wording you used :" my mom says that he needs to take me out ". Taking someone out sort of implies that the other person is inviting, paying, or at least organizing. Otherwise by the same token your mom could have said " daughter, you need to take him out " !
I mean, if I and X person decide to go together to Paris but each one is paying their own airfare , hotel room etc., he / she is not " taking me to Paris " - we are just going to Paris together.
If money is not any concern at all, it's more difficult for me to understand the reason of your hesitation in speaking your mind. It's not unreasonable , demnding or rude to say " hey, here we are sort of bothering my mom, ... and she is sort of bothering us. Let's go somewhere else ! " .
It's possible that this guy is lazy, pushy, too familiar etc. Then again, I guess he operates by " consent = assent ":if he does X thing which makes you uncomfortable once, and then twice, thrice.. and you never say anything, you can be sure he'll think if it ain't broke , don't fix it .
Personally, though, after reading your updates I would be more concerned about his going AWOL for two weeks then resurfacing just like that , than about his fondness for TV and sofa. A guy might be lazy or broke or tired etc. , but still be serious about you. But a guy who starts pulling Houdinis so early in the relationship,- that makes you wonder for real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): Are you sure he isnt married or at least in a relationship with someone else? It sounds like he could be. I dated someone similar who turned out to be a taken man. My advice is to keep your options open and date other men, I call BS on this guy. Sorry. And sitting on your couch watching tv isnt dating like in the 1800's, he is full of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): Andie's Thoughts.... The reasons I live with My Mom are not your concern I hold a full time job and pay bills so quite frankly your approval of it means nothing to me and I could care less of what you think on the matter, I get along with My Mom and living with her for the time being doesn't bother me and That is all that matters ...... The question was not if you approve of me living with my Mom but how I could get a guy I'm dating to actually take me out the house which every women deserves a date night sometimes. You sounds bitter for some reason? ?? So if bashing me makes you feel better go for it You win . Thanks for the input all God Bless
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 July 2016):
 Have you tried turning the TV off and suggesting you two go for a walk or out for a coffee/pint?
Personally, I think he is acting WAY to familiar WAY too soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): He sounds like a Lazy dater he needs to be taking you out especially in the beginning of a relationship. Ethier he takes you out or ditch him !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): Thanks for the advice , just fyi I didn't see him for 2 weeks and didn't hear from him in 3 days and he invited himself over to my Moms home.. I'm not a picky person and pay for myself when we go out but thanks poster one for basically calling me a piece of crap lol . We have only been to lunch twice and to his house for a movie the other time . I'm just not comfortable this soon into dating with him wanting to cuddle on my sofa with Mom there as well .. I'm going to end it
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 July 2016):
 I suggest calmly asking what he wants from this relationship and if he likes the way it is or would like to go out more. Then figure out if you're compatible or if you just don't have the money or space to date as much as you want.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 July 2016):
Why are you staying with your parents? I ask because, unless it's to care for them, it shows a lack of money and/or independence, which equate to not a lot of money to spend (or that should be spent) on dates and no own space to do date nights at home.
Once a week is a reasonable frequency of going out on dates. If you had your own place (does he have his?) you could swap between them and cook together or have game night and have dates that aren't just watching TV.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): First of all, tell your mother to mind her own business (in a nice way). You don't need her telling you what to do and adding more pressure. But then again, maybe she doesn't see you as an adult since you're still living with her. And I hope that your circumstances will change and that you'll be moving out soon.What you describe is teen dating, you still living with your mother, him coming to see you in the evening. (btw, if you're thinking that even teens go out and do stuff more than you two, you're right). Do not hint, organize something yourself and set a date. Find something that you both like to do. Why do you expect him to be the only one who initiates going out? Try and see. If he refuses and/or if he only accepts what you have in mind and that bothers you you are ill suited for each other.You seem rather passive, maybe you need someone who is more active?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 July 2016):
 You've only been dating for 4 weeks and you have gone out 3 times. That's almost once a week. What exactly do you expect? I work a lot and when I come home at the end of the night, I like to relax and watch TV also. I go out about once a week with the person I'm seeing. Other than that, we stay in and relax just like you two do. That's prrtty normal. I'm a little taken aback by your post, if I'm honest. I didn't realize a person had to take someone out every night of the week to be worthy of dating.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 July 2016):
It may not be the norm but it's not that unusual either. Boring, maybe :). Unusual, not really.
You see, going out to places ( movies, restaurants, concerts etc. ) costs money, and if he pays for you too, it costs double. Not everybody can or WANT spend money on outings more than , say, once a week , and from this point of view , you are not terribly behind schedule :)
Of course in your case it's more complicated because you live at home. Young people generally also " hang out " at his or her place, or they share the same circle of friends so they gather and " hang out " at some friends' place, without having to make it a formal outing every time they meet up.
Another thing he may be short of is not just cash, but also time and energy. If he works every day until 8 or 9 p.m. it does not surprise me that he is not enthusiastic about going home, showering, changing clothes , picking you up and driving somewhere, making reservations etc.etc. He just wants to chill- at least on weekdays.
Another thing, alas, it may be the drink. Not only in the sense that he does not want you to see him getting wasted, but also that if he is a heavy / frequent drinker, he trained himself to associate " fun " with drinking. Take alcohol out of the equation, and he won't have much interest for catching that new movie or play , or taking you dancing or bowling etc.etc.
Finally, it may in part also be that he is a bit old -fashioned. More than dating... he goes a-courting :)- Just as they did in the 19th century ( well they did not have cable Tv then, but the system was more or less the same, the boy would come a-courting,leaf through the newspaper , sit on the sofa, chat with the family, have tea, - steal a few kisses or a few gropes with the excuse to go feed the chickens or admire the new rosebush... ) and in rural areas it lasted well into the 20th century.
Anyway, if you are not comfortable with this, it's not that it cannot be fixed. Why do you have to " hint " ?
Just tell him. Nicely , but tell him. That a ) your Mom is getting uncomfortable because she likes her privacy and does not like to have people over at night too often. Very valid point. And b ) you are getting antsy, you want to do things with him, go out, have fun, talk, get to know each other better, share experiences, try new things together,... Then you come up with ideas of things that you would like to see / do : why don't we try that new etnic restaurant ? why don't we go to that sports game, or wine tasting, or whatever ?...
Of course , that works best if you pay your way, - because in case you expect him to spring for meals / drinks / tickets/everything every time, eh well, he may not be able , or willing , to do it.
I think you can arrive to some sort of compromise, that's acceptable to both- but you need to speak up. For all he knows you might be overjoyed just cuddling on the sofa ; some girls ARE homebodies and cuddlebears.
Tell him what you want and give him the chance to give it to you. If then he does not want, or he does not even try.... he will need to go. Out of your life, and to watch cable at some other place.
But, have a normal ,amicable conversation first !
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