A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend constantly calls me daddy during sex. She also likes to role play that she is 13 and I'm her father coming to her bedroom when everyone else is asleep. Her father is deceased but I know from her mother that they, my gf and her dad, were extremely close and actually used to hang out together with her friends. My question is, am I out of line for suspecting that they may have had more than a normal father/daughter relationship? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 March 2015):
 You're very welcome. Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Honey Pie, for your insights. I also would like to thank You Wish, Ciar and CattyCat for their perspicacity. You've all been immensely helpful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 March 2015):
 So, your GF has Daddy issues. Have you read about Electra complex? (Jung) It's basically the "female" version of the Oedipus complex.
She KNOWINGLY froze her mother out, her DAD knowingly froze the mother out. Now she may have seen it as her MOTHER being distant and cold, but maybe the mother didn't start out that way. Or the mom blamed her daughter for marital issues and subsequently TORE her daughter down, where as the Dad tried to build her up and shield her from the mother. It's impossible to know.
YOUR GF figured out at a YOUNG age that SHE could command her Dad's undivided attention and she went for it. Not strange in a kid really. They WANT attention, be it good or bad.
Whether you buy Jung’s theory or not, it’s fair to say that a woman’s relationship with her father affects her romantic relationships.
I think her sexual role play is more about getting YOUR undivided attention CONSTANTLY. While she may NEVER have had an inappropriate or sexual relationship with her father.. she did have one that WASN'T/ISN'T the norm.
I would not be happy if my partner could ONLY be sexually aroused or pleased if we had a (for us) mommy thing going on.
I think instead of going too in depth with WHY she does this (she may not even know), tell her... IT doesn't TURN you on. OFFER other role play situations if she is into bedroom role-play. I do think what she is really seeking is a dominance aspect. Where one partner (you) have all the power and she has nine, thus she is "free" of "sin". If that makes sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the question, "Have I discussed my reservations with my partner"...As you can imagine, this is a rather delicate subject to broach. We have discussed her relationship with her dad and what I've learned was they were extremely close. So close that they would exclude her mother when they engaged in any recreational activities from going to the circus as a child to ice skating as a teen. She's told me that her mother was cold and distant and very critical of her appearance, telling her she was fat (which she wasn't) but also encouraging her to, "Bat your eyes and smile" to get what she wanted. She felt, even then, that her mother was jealous of her looks and the amount of time she spent with her father who would also include himself in her activities with her peers such as going to the movies. She claims her friends had no objections to her father tagging along (which I found odd but maybe that's me) and has said they regarded him as part of the gang but she also wondered why the boys were (in her words), "very hands off" and never asked her for a date. I'm obviously condensing and paraphrasing to some degree but I can assure you that what I've written is as close to verbatim as I can manage and is the product of general conversations about her life before I met her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): The only one who knows what's going on inside her head is your girlfriend.
I sought not to judge either of you. I know how sometimes people try to psychoanalyze their partners. Often forming opinions and judgements that ultimately prove harmful; because they're way off the mark. To presume or speculate that she has psychological-issues is a hit or miss possibility. Unless someone sits down and knows something about her, we're all forming wild opinions about a young woman we've never met. Not one of us here, nor yourself; would want people trying to psychoanalyze you based on how you like to get-off. I think it would upset her greatly.
Only a licensed mental-health professional can make any diagnosis or offer a credible opinion after a thorough psychological-evaluation. All the rest of us are making guesses; when she would actually have to sit down through therapy for any fair assessment of where she derives her sexual-arousal.
Unless she chooses herself to seek help about it, I was suggesting you may not want to go there. Then it may in-fact become an issue for her, and bring on shame.
Now do you get what I was trying to advise?
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A
female
reader, CattyCat  +, writes (11 March 2015):
 If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should talk to her. Although, I do worry because you said she can't reach orgasm unless the Daddy element is part of things. So as I said before, if you're truly uncomfortable then you SHOULD definitely speak with her. Maybe a compromise of sorts can be made? Maybe more exploring sexually to see if other things work for her to reach orgasm so that she can be eventually weened off the daddy thing?Ignoring the sexual side for one minute, have you spoken to her about her and her dad's relationship when he was alive? There may be unresolved issues there that she needs to deal with. If it gets too big an issue for you to handle, you could suggest a counselor.The fact that you've looked into this yourself and that you're reaching out for help on here, shows you truly care about this girl. That being said, the whole situation is a delicate one that needs to be handled right.Explore different sexual things, talk about her Dad (non sexual, outside the bedroom), try and ween her off the Dad thing IF she is willing
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): OP, I understand why this may make you feel uncomfortable and question her past, but my guess is that this is not something real that happened in her past. This sounds like a style of BDSM, though not the kind that immediately comes to mind when you think of the subject. It is referred to as a Daddy/Little or Daddy/Babygirl relationship. Some call it "age play", though if you talk to anyone familiar with it they might say that they're not playing per say, they're letting their true selves out for a little while.A "little" may range from being significantly younger to only slightly younger than their actual age. "Littles" usually lead perfectly normal age appropriate lives out in the normal world, but get to be their "inner self" when around someone they are comfortable with."Littles" desire to experience the care and protection that their "Daddy" or "Big" provides. The role of the "Big" is that of the dominant in this kind of BDSM. Along with the care aspect of being the dominant comes that of being the one to provide discipline if needed, which reinforces the idea that their "big" is there to care for them.Some, all, or more than what I describe may apply to this type of relationship. There is no hard and fast rule for what constitutes a daddy/little relationship. There is a large range of possibilities. While this doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual thing, it often does carry over into the bedroom.That's just a short possible explanation for what's going on. There's actually a lot of information on this out there on the net.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2015):
 I gave this some thought, and I'm glad I'm coming into this question after your followup, OP.
Truthfully, I would be suspicious of some trauma in her past life, but not necessarily sexual trauma or incest trauma. The sticking point with me is your followup regarding her trouble in reaching orgasm without the fantasy.
In fact, her having a 13-year old "daddy" fantasy makes me think that she's NEVER had problems with her dad in the past. To many women, rape fantasies are a common refrain, especially the "Stranger in the alley" type, and there's one thing that's obvious that I keep hearing over and over again - none of these women with those specific rape fantasies have actually BEEN raped in real life. A rape in real life is so much different than what happens actually.
Your girlfriend is playing a strain of the "Dominant-submissive" fantasy. She plays the submissive with no choice, and she gets off on the idea of someone taking utter control of her. Some people get off that way by being tied up, handcuffed, or chained to the bed. I'm not a submissive, but I knew someone who was, and their description of it was that they got off on the sheer helplessness of the situation, the adrenaline pumping, all of that.
If you are uncomfortable with the roleplay, you're totally okay with saying something about it. Maybe you can suggest a variant of the submission fantasy, and maybe her adventure may lead her to an even more intense experience.
People in relationships are okay to be uncomfortable with something in sex play. If she cares for you, then your relationship should be much more than that fantasy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): It's possible that role playing the daddy element is more about her being turned on by the thought of a power imbalance during sex. Than it is about her specifically imagining her father. But for whatever reason, she turns to this idea, the daddy coming into molest the helpless daughter, to act out this power imbalance fantasy that turns her on. During sex, she likes to feel helpless while the man overpowers her. And this idea of a perverted father overpowering a young teen is the fantasy she turns to, to act out the power imbalance fantasy. I don't think she is thinking of her own father or anyone in particular besides you. I think her focus is on the situation. She likes the sex to feel perverted. I think that is what it comes down to. If anything, maybe an ex boyfriend introduced her to this idea. Seems more likely than her father. I could be wrong but I don't think it actually has anything to do with her experience with her own father. Usually when kids have been molested by their parents, it is very traumatic and not something they particularly want to relive or act out in their own relationship. The idea of feeling a power imbalance during sexual arousal is actually common. And that's what she likes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for their answers and I'd like to clarify a few things. First, I didn't ask this question frivolously; I've done plenty of reading about the subject and feel like I've exhausted that avenue. I was hoping this venue would provide me with some theories or even experiences I hadn't considered. Second, while I'm usually quite open to engaging in fantasy play, this one leaves me a quite uncomfortable because of the pedophilic overtones. And, finally, the question was asked how often we engage in this kind of role play. I will say that my partner has difficulty reaching orgasm, and usually doesn't, unless we in some way incorporate the daddy element. As for the more judgmental replies I've received, I can only say any prejudices, jealousies or misinterpretations would be your own.
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A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (10 March 2015):
If you question her about this now, you risk ruining how she feels sexually. Right now, if she's comfortable around you enough to share fantasies, why ruin it? Yes it may be weird, but there are far more weird things out there.
If you feel uncomfortable with it, then fine, talk to her, but approach it delicately, because you both want to have a good sex life afterwards.. if you're still together.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (10 March 2015):
I forgot to add...
I recommend you not ask her if she's ever been raped or molested. It would be an intrusion and no good will come of outing her before she's ready. And if she hasn't she might just feel crummy and embarrassed by the fantasy.
If you don't like it, then just say so and stop doing it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (10 March 2015):
You're not out of line for merely wondering about it, but I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
Your question suggests, to me, that you're a tad uncomfortable with it, and I don't blame you. As has been pointed out already, she MIGHT have had an unnatural relationship with her father and/or by agreeing to act out this fantasy, you're assuming the role of a paedophile assaulting a 13 year old girl. Not my cup of tea either.
If you're uneasy about this, then be up front. Having a fantasy does not oblige us to bring it to fruition.
How often do you role play this scenario? I should have asked that from the start. Is this something you've only done once or twice or is it a fairly regular thing? Is sex only enjoyable for her during this scenario?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): Hmmm...I'm sorry but this would freak me out to if I were a man. I say this because it seems like it happens a lot and quite intensely and because of what you say about her Dad. I know it's quite common for women to have fantasies about a father figure, but I'm also thinking: a. this would seem A LOT more screwed up if the roles were reversed and you kept insisting she accept that you call her "Mummy" and b. I'm thinking about the film Monster, where the lead character, a prostitute, is asked by one of her clients to refer to him as Daddy, and she questions whether he is a paedophile. My point here is that it is somehow deemed okay for a woman to fantasise about an older man and an incestuous relationship, possibly because older men often incline to lust over very young women. On the other hand, it's very taboo for a man to openly or even as a fantasy lust after older women or his own mother. Call me a prude, but I think there is an element of sexism in this and there is also more acceptance of the male figure being placed in a role of dominance. And that's okay if it really is just fantasy, but given what you say, in your case I am honestly not sure that's all it is. As well as getting her to talk about fantasies, I'd also find out more about her relationship with her father, totally separate from when you are in the bedroom together. Just ask her about him and gage how she responds. I know one female friend who was very oddly close to her Dad, they used to leave the Mum at home (who, by the way, was schizophrenic, but they totally ignored this for years and she never got help) and go out together as a 'couple'. Although in her case there was no sexual (as in physical sex) relation, I personally think that sex and sexuality are far more complex than just the physical act. My friend had massive difficulty in developing relationships with men, always going for much older and very unavailable men (eg. famous actors) who would use her. She was incredibly naive about how relationships worked and behaved in a very childlike manner, anorexic and never able to stand up on her own two feet - her father would give her just enough money to get by, but not enough to feel free and too much to prevent her from becoming self-reliant. I honestly think that the way father's psychologically condition a daughter is the start of how they then develop sexually and how they do and do not develop sexual relationships; a huge amount of it is about the father controlling the girl's psyche, without her realising, and this can make her behave in certain ways towards men, as an adult, including having 'incestuous' type relations.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (10 March 2015):
I don't care if I was called Denzel Washington...If she gets off on it and I get to enjoy it...bring it.
She was close to her dad and maybe enjoy a good strong man like you caring for her and protecting her the way he did.
Bottom line...if that is the only thing you can complain about...be thankful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): Your fantasies are yours to keep inside your head. Hers are hers to keep inside her head. Why go where you don't have to go; regardless of how she will explain them to you (which she doesn't have to do); only for you to turn around and misinterpret, or twist, her fantasies based on your own logic, jealousies, and prejudices.
If you're intent on believing she's somehow a victim of incest, nothing she says will make you believe otherwise. You've already drawn your own conclusion, you just want to know how right you are. Okay, say you're right...then what?
If you're just uncomfortable with the role-playing, say so.
Otherwise....shhhhhhhh!!! You really don't need to know.
You know her daddy isn't in the room. Stop adding suspicion where you should be enjoying your love connection with her.
Shes in her love-zone, and you should be happy you can get her there. If you want to know anything, the questions is, who's your daddy now?
You have no facts on which to base your theories, and she doesn't have to supply them. If people could be judged by their fantasies, two-thirds of the world would probably be in prison. The other third put to death.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): I feel for you bro on this one. It's very creepy to see a girl you are doing shout out her fathers name as though he doing her. I would be suspicious too and probably have a convo about fantasies in general. Anyway, don't be surprised if there is nothing because research shows that women have weird sex fantasies, usually ones they wouldn't do ... and top ones are rape, lesbian encounters and what your girl is doing. So you may want to chat with her on this from the context of general female fantasies.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2015):
Yep, I'm with Cindy. It's fantasy. The FACT that you play along would (if we follow YOUR rationalization) mean that you are a child predator going after 13 year old girls.
If the fantasy makes you uncomfortable tell her.
My guess Is that she COULD have this fantasy because she had a profound loss when her dad died.
Personally, I'd be turned off if my husband wanted to roleplay something like that, but different folks, different strokes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 Yes, you are out of line. It's a fantasy. Some fantasoes aren't politically correct at all , they may sound disquieting -but they aren't a re-enactment of reality !
By your token, since you dig this role play and find it exciting - and in it she is 13 , i.e. under age - SHE should assume YOU are a pedophile. Or , that you have committed statutory rape in the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2015): I have to say I find that fantasy rather shocking, especially the second sentence in your post.
I understand people have crazy fantasies, but to be fantasizing about your father like that is a bit uncomfortable and over the line in my opinion. I for one would never want to even think about my father during intimate moments with my boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 Yes, you are out of line. A fantasy is a fantasy for the pure and simple reason that they are NOT reality.
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