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Coworker flirted with me but dated another coworker instead?

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Question - (21 May 2013) 2 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2013)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Coworker flirted with me but dated another coworker instead?

A coworker flirted with me via email and in person for a few months. He stared at me all the time, emailed me but in some ways was reserved. I thought he was shy. He was actually flirting with another coworker at the same time. I'm pretty sure I was his second choice if she didn't want him. Now they are dating. It's extremely awkward. They sit together at work and invite me to gatherings because they have to (I'm brand new to work as the rest of our cohort is, and it would look bad if they didn't invite me). How do I handle this? I moved over 1000 miles for this job, away from family and friends. He was the first person I got close to, and I mistook my brig his second choice to him really liking me. Now he doesn't talk to me at all. What do I do?

View related questions: at work, co-worker, flirt, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013):

First off given your stated gender maybe he's only bicurious but with a preference for women, changed his mind or became weird about flirting with another guy.

OP this is pretty normal really, I doubt you were second best, it's just that he was playing both of you and she took the bait more easily.

OP, look at this way. Is he really that big of a loss when he was trying to get with both of you at the same time? No, plus you'd have been a total fool to get involved in an office romance when you've put so much effort into getting this job in the first place. Stay away from co-workers, don't flirt with them but be friendly. Ignore this guy too he's not worth it, but be civil of course.

Next OP, get out there in your new place. Join a gym, take up a sport, take up martial arts, go join a book/chess/gaming club etc and go make some friends for yourself.

Stay away from work colleagues in the romantic sense OP, you got off lightly, can you imagine if you did end up with him? Can you imagine he boned you then started ignoring you? Can you imagine dating him, falling in love and then getting your heart broken? You'd make your job a living hell.

Take this as a lesson learned and take this as a sign you need to expand your social activities so you're not relying on work to keep you ticking over in terms of human contact. In the nicest possible sense OP, it's you got a life.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (22 May 2013):

k_c100 agony auntThere is not a lot you can do, just write it off as experience and move on. Flirting is not a commitment to a relationship, you really should not build your hopes up based on a bit of office flirting.

Just be polite and friendly towards him and his new girlfriend, and move on with your life. You dont have to go to any social gatherings if you dont want, but then again if lots of people are going from work you wouldnt have to speak to them 2 so you can still make friends with your colleagues without having to talk to him.

Office flirting is quite common but you have to learn most of the time is means NOTHING, just a bit of fun. Never believe that someone is interested in you until you are on your first date and they are arranging the second because they like you so much.

And one other thing to keep in mind, there is a saying about work relationships 'dont s**t where you eat'. As much as it seems a good idea when you are new to an area, dating a colleague ends in disaster 9 times out of 10 and then you are stuck seeing your ex on a daily basis. Try and stay away from any kind of relationship with a colleague, friends is fine but nothing more.

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