A
female
age
51-59,
*ad-girl
writes:HiI think I have been in an abusive relationship. Started dating in February, he was loving and things were good. but slowly over time he showed he had a short fuse, ranted to me on the phone about spending time with family, said our time precious, rang me up about 20 times a day. I just thought he was really in love and was flattered. Every time he rang he would start the conversation with "What are you doing?" He was very intense and passionate so thought was just in love.Then I can't pinpoint the first thing which made me think he might be a bit strange but I think it was how strict he was with my 10 year old son - he made him clean his car and was really relentless and made him redo it and he cried. Also, when I went to see him he would tell me to shut up and that he was watching a film so had to be quiet and stuff.Then he would always show up late at mine but when I was going to his he would stress about me being late and have a go at me. Sometimes he would be distant and cold and other times loving. Was confusing. He started to put me down in front of his friends, one day on a trip water rafting. He said in front of one friend. "I'm really sick...of you." and when I told him about it he would say was only joking. I thought was being too sensitive.Another time he put me down in front of my best friends husband, asked him if he found me aggressive and that I didn't listen. I told him how humiliated I felt, he found it funny but said he would stop. only days later he did it again to a friend at work round her house after only just meeting her said "i wouldn't f employ her, she should do as she's told."He did it in front of my family first time he met them and I had asked him not to.Other things he did was try to make me do stuff - ordering me around, make the coffee, but not do it back. He would give me the cold shoulder a lot, act distant and then really loving again. He took me off facebook when we fell out and then having a fresh start he still didn't put me back on and laughed when my straighteners were broken and knew the fuse had come out and only told me a week later. Felt there was constant mind games. He put huge demands on my time and energy and wanted a huge fuss on his birthday then on mine he rang and said I know I should book the meal but can you do it. (I was constantly asking for some romance, and he never gave me any). Then texted just before my birthday and said was busy during the day on my birthday with no kiss on the text. When I asked if could spend day with him he put me off. Then later that day he said that I had said I was busy and that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. All the time he managed to twist everything around to make everything my fault. he blamed his temper on me.One time I went to look after him when ill and brought him films and food and we were chatting and he shouted at me and scared me - cut me off mid sentence and I tried to leave and he tried to stop me. He said I repeated myself which made him do it. he said I was infuriating and that it was my fault. I was only talking about my son. He had been saying that my sons friends were better than my son and that they put him to shame. He put him down. I just quietly explained about being a single mother and he cut me off.He justified putting me down, said it was his only way of getting his point across. Every time we split up because of it he said he was sorry and would do anything to make it work but then straight away he would justify why he had done things and try to stop me from texting him, said texts were to blame.He also picked on my weight quite early on. I was 9 and a half stone, 5,5" and he would poke and prod my fat bits and said that he would not like me if I got fat, and I ended up nearly starving myself to look thinner and lost a stone and he liked me thin and knew I hardly ate. My friend told me that it was unhealthy and I woudl end up with a disorder.He put my friends down - especially my best friend and he said she was not to be trusted and that her husband was a dick - said he should have tits and a fanny for being so attentive to his wife. he tried to make me not like them, said they had untrustworthy eyes. He put my brothers down.he asked in bed when having sex what past boyfriends did in bed and it made me feel uncomfortable, he never made love, just more into degrading me or humiliating me. He recently said he wanted to buy house with me after screaming at me that my house is a shit hole - it's not its very nice, bits need finishing and I was so upset. He apologised but did it again the next day. Then he told me he wanted to buy a house - 30 miles away and have son at school where I live - he didn't even discuss that issue of him moving school. He said he would keep on a flat somewhere - a bolt hole to go to. Made me feel uncomfortable.He has never hit me but twice said he wanted to hit me when he was angry in an argument. he falls out with friends and was once in a fight in a pub. He gets road rage and has got out of car and had fights with people.Is this man abusive?? I think he is but he denies it till blue in face. He also obsessed wtih his looks and tells me to feel his muscles. In a hotel once he was staring at himself in the mirror in the lift. He boasts about being a stud in bed and women fancying him. Says he could get ANY women he wanted to. Admits he a flirt and looks at other women. Has made sexual comments about my female friends.Am I overreacting here? I finished it a few days ago and he has been all sweet by text, left presents on doorstep, texts he misses me - but every time he has done this it doesn't last, he goes back to mind games - feel he has been playing with my mind. I am so angry now and have told him he is abusive and he justifies everything still so there is no hope is there? My son is glad we have split up and says he is not a nice person. He is so nice to his daughter and to his two dogs. He is in the army and is going off to Afghan for 4 months. He says it's the stress of that, but he was mean before that. I love him so much but feel I need some advice, I deep down think he is abusive but still doubt myself. I feel guilty that I have ended it before he goes to war.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): I think you need to stop doubting yourself. Abusers are the last people that are going to admit ANYTHING!
It really doesn't matter anyway. He feels and justifies himself being toxic, and downright cruel. You don't want to live like that.
Work on researching emotional and verbal abuse, and you will find that he clearly isn't healthy. While he is gone - work on yourself........and tell him to keep walking when he returns!
A
female
reader, kirstyscott_18 +, writes (11 November 2008):
my boyfriend is 38 and i'm 24. And I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. Just like your partner when I end it he is always so sorry and so kind and I let him back.Then he becomes mean again. Its like a cycle. And they never change. they are control freaks who cannot control their emotions so must control yours. Im not strong enough to get out of my relationship yet but I hope I will be one day.I hope you can be because its the only answer and I know its so hard
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): hi deejuliettI kept in touch with ex boyfriend and insisted on no sex in his company, then he spent the whole time trying to seduce me and got angry when I refused him. He seemed really keen to avoid the real issues and kept trying to patch it up with make up affection. Tried 3 times to get the conversation onto my needs and feelings and hey presto he completely blamed everything on me again, said I blew tiny things up and that it was my fault having breaks from him and should have sorted stuff out straight away. I have now given up on trying to get him to talk and realise he will never ever face up to anything or admit he is in the wrong. I have stayed strong! I have patched up the friendship with best mate which he tried to ruin and she completely understands and says better off without him. Think have managed to break the mold! He off to afghan and because he has been so selfish and mean and refused to get real I am not going to stay supportive and am having a clean break. Thanks for your help. I was still a bit in denial and why I needed that extra closure I am not sure - guess I needed to know if he could change and guess what he could not! I read the book you recommended and some more and it was spooky. I would definitely spot an abusive relationship in future and would take a lot longer to find someone new. I am going to enjoy being single though! Cheers xxx
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I truely do understand how hard it is. Stay strong and feel free to keep in touch for support or to update me. You can PM me through this site if you would like. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, mad-girl +, writes (29 October 2008):
mad-girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks deejuliet, it's true I recognise that when he is kind and nice I seem so starved of affection I jump at the thought of going back, thing is I realise this has happened a number of times. Only just starting to stop feeling angry and starting to smile again and feel better and then the invitation from him to talk. don't think I have any faith in him anymore. The weak moments are so bad I nearly crack and want to go and see him. Am holding on in there. His mother left him when he was 14 with his grandad on a farm he would have inherited only another child came along in line out of the blue and his granddad tried to play mind games with him to get him to leave. Stuff like set him up work and then send him to do it - only he had done it already and then my boyfriend at time gave up on the jobs and then his grandad told everyone he was lazy. He ended up drinking heavily and moving to hong kong at 17. He later joined SAS and is successful in business but still talks about his family and how they destroyed him years ago. He seems to live in the past. One of his friends told me he is extremely hung up about it all and some of the stuff I don't know about but his friend said is really really bad to me and that he was treated very cruelly by his family. He said he took revenge on them and that he proved to them he was something - used all his anger to succeed. trouble is he is still very angry. He talks about his mother in a negative light - she went off and remarried and had another child and he seems very bitter about that. He seems to have an awful lot of anger and hurt in him. He was married and she had a stroke when she had the baby and she was suicidal afterwards - was disabled and she left one day after year or so. I know all this cos friends with his ex-wifes best friend - I met him when their divorce was going through about 2 years after they split. He talked a lot about his ex wife - still think he loved her to be honest. I feel so sorry for him cos I know he has been through so much and he has helped me in a lot of ways with my business. Think he felt insecure and that I would cheat. He got insanely jealous if I mentioned an ex's name and would shout and kept joking about me seeing other men and even gave me a love bite and left his stuff in my room all of a sudden and I felt it was a test. I realise I can't change him and I want to help him but I don't think I can. Is it possible to be friends with him? Is it a good idea to write to him in Afghan? I have all the blue envelopes to send out there if I want to. Will put my son first and luckily I have my own house and a good career and business, family and friends. My son is the man of the house and was not really exposed to much of this - he was often staying with other family members when stuff happened and I was at boyfriends house. he lives 40 miles away which makes it easier too. Just don't know how to help him or what to do for the best. Would never forgive self if a roadside bomb got him and was not in touch. Am feeling a little stronger each day but still doubt it was abuse because he denies it but I know he is a very angry hurt soul and I witnessed mind games he played on friends he fell out with - think might not just be domestic abuse - think it spills over to his friends and loved ones sometimes. It's hard, this forum is so so helpful - before I had your answers I didn't know it was abuse - I thought it was but I am such an analytical person I wonder if I looked into it too deeply???
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (29 October 2008):
It most certainly is abuse! And see how he has bound you to him with his intermittent love? You state he is so loveing sometimes... SOMETIMES!!! It needs to be all the time. I know exactly how you feel when you try to justify everything and say maybe it isnt abuse because it isnt physical. I did the same thing. If he had left me with a black eye and a broken arm I would have immediately recognized it for abuse. But because it was mental and sexual abuse and he hardly ever left a mark on me, I kept justifying it that it wasnt abuse. Yes it was! And it is for you, too. You need to stay strong! Remember to put you son first! Do what is right for HIM!
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A
female
reader, mad-girl +, writes (29 October 2008):
mad-girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks zelgamer - keep having weak moments when missing him seems worse than the abusive stuff and putting up or dealing with the issue. he keeps texting wanting to talk but as of yet am still sticking by my guns. feel the need to be friends while he away in afghan, but don't trust self to meet up to talk, just think might give in and go back. split up a number of times, this the first time I have really seen a pattern and been quite disturbed by it - think need to hold that thought! thanks 4 support
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A
male
reader, zelgamer +, writes (29 October 2008):
 He will never stop, mind games are to be taken serious. Bottom line, what he is doing IS abuse. No doubt about it, he may not be physically scarring you, which is good, but he is hitting mentally, and that can, at times be worse.
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A
female
reader, mad-girl +, writes (29 October 2008):
mad-girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe sent an email yesterday saying that it is not abuse, I had sent him an article on the early signs of abuse. He said he had done some things wrong but that it was not abuse. Have hit rock bottom about it all as I still doubt my judgement. Things so loving at times, the other stuff was not physical - perhaps I should have put up with the mind games and verbal stuff - just his way? Am really cross with myself for being so weak!
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A
female
reader, mad-girl +, writes (28 October 2008):
mad-girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear deejuliet
thanks so much for your reply. have been wondering if it was just me and even though I know its abusive I somehow blame myself. thanksx
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A
female
reader, mad-girl +, writes (28 October 2008):
mad-girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for reply zelganger - he not been abroad before but been through SAS training and know that was very tough. Helps to hear an objective opinion. Am staying out of it, but still need to hear it was abusive, to make peace in my head. He won't admit he has problem unfortunately, have suggested he have help. Thanks...
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (28 October 2008):
It is a very common abust tactic for an abuser to use what is called 'intermittent afection' with a victim. He will be sweet and loving one time and then angry and abusive the next. This is generally done with little or no provocation and complete unpredictability. The purpose of this is to keep the victim off balance, always striving for the loving attention that she sometimes gets and never knowing if or when she will get it. This often binds the victim closer to the abuser so that she will constantly forgive him and strive to earn his love. After all, she knows that he is capable of being the loving person she desires. He, and often she, will excuse and justify the bad behaviour never taking personal responsibility for it. He will blame the victim, other people, stress, the world for his behaviour. But the truth is that he is the ONLY person responsible for his behaviour. Yes, he is being abusive to you. No, you should NEVER go back to him. Listen to your son and put HIS needs first. When your son expressed joy at the breakup that should be a huge clue as to the damage this relationship was doing. Do NOT go back to this man.
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A
male
reader, zelgamer +, writes (28 October 2008):
He has a temper problem, and might become physically abusive later. Right now though, he is being mentally and emotionally abusive to you. He wont be changing either. Has he been over seas before? If so he might have a form of TBI or PTSD, which are becoming common for people in the military, TBI is traumatic Brain Injury, due to IED's and stuff.
If he has been, he needs to see Mental Health. As for you, I recommend you leave him.
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