A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 42 year old mom, My son is 13 and while changing his sheets awhile back I found 3 pairs of my panties under his mattress along with some pictures of me from college in a bikini. I quickly realized he has been using them to pleasure with and he has "relieved" his pleasure onto the photos. I understand it's somewhat normal for teenage boys to do this with their moms undergarments, last week I went to get dressed and while putting panties on I realized they had been used by him and put back with clean ones. Is this normal? Why does my son want his semen to touch me? Please help.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2016):
 My parents left educational books out for me to find. When I did read one, my Dad made sure I knew he knew I was reading it. It wasn’t super comfortable, nor was it fun but I was fully aware that they were PAYING ATTENTION.
Going into your drawers, pulling out your things and then putting them back is OFF LIMITS.
OP, you’ve had several days of people responding and some feedback. Are you reading these? A followup would be helpful.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 April 2016):
 I see a sharp divide between the men and women here. I'm wondering if girls really have no awkward sexual awakenings. As a Dad of daughters I do know that I found one seriously messy pair of panties. Far exceeding my personal experience. I suppose I should have been impressed. As it turns out I was a bit medically worried. But the experts I talked to said not to worry yet.
I know you don't believe I can remember back that long, But I was a thirteen year old. All things female were the Great Mystery, the unknown frontier. Curiosity was the motivator. The easiest source of information were the people we lived with. There was no lust, or desire to couple, there was curiosity and knowledge. your underwear drawer is probably a better source of good information than the Victoria's Secret Catalog. But it is yours and you have the right to that privacy.
My advice will be similar to the other males who posted here. DON'T PANIC! even if it really is the worst psychological scenario posted here panicking will likely do more harm than good. When my mom found evidence in my sheets she calmly went to an older man and got advice and understanding. Then when she talked to me she did it with out accusation or fear.
Honestly I think the men who have responded here have been lenient because they have memories of this age. As far as him trying to touch you with his semen, he is probably as freaked out by it as you are.
Last note (I promise). A 13 year old boy is old enough to learn how to do laundry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 April 2016):
 I'm with Uncle BrownWolf here.
I think there is too much conjecture to know his intent 100%.
1. I don't think he wants his sperm to TOUCH you, I think he puts the panties back because he didn't want you to know he had used them. And putting them back in your drawer versus in the laundry makes more sense (from his point of view) if he doesn't want to get caught. YOU would notice 15 pairs in the washer in a week.
2. Using your photo as a young girl it again a tad bit on the "odd" side, but if he is one of those kids that doesn't explore internet porn (which I think is a GOOD thing) that might have been the first picture he noticed that looks like HIS PEER (in age) and is a girl in semi undressed state. So again, I don't think this is some kind of Oedipus complex. YET. And I don't think it's totally weird.
I would honestly get some Victoria Secret catalogs and leave them where he will find them. I would ALSO confiscate the bikini shot of you.
As for your underwear, I think you NEED to have a conversation WITH him. IT IS NOT OK to steal your undies and masturbate with them and then put them back in your drawers. For 1. he shouldn't be GOING through your dresser/room AT ALL. 2. No woman wants a pair of soggy or crusty panties in their drawers. Seriously.
This would ALSO be a GOOD time to talk porn/sex/consent etc. Yes, he is "only" 13 but he HAS discovered masturbation, which means puberty has set in. Which means He could use some guidance. Kids who "fly blind" listen more to their PEERS then adults and that is rarely the smarter options, let's face it.
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/156-parents
And as Auntie Tisha mentioned, LOOK around the web for Mommy of teen son's blogs. See what you can LEARN from other mom.
If there IS a father/husband in the picture I suggest you TALK to him first and together you device a strategy. Maybe your son would be more comfortable talking to him over you. If it's JUST you and him, well then you don't HAVE that choice and will HAVE to do this yourself.
My kids are 11,13,15 and all fairly open in discussing just about anything with me (not so much with their dad) but they are all girls so that might be the reason. But I hope as they grow they will continue to confide in me and talk to me, come to me for advice or suggestions. It's hard not to "judge" but vital that you let THEM talk and reach a common sense/smart solution on their own though having talked to you.
I don't think what he is doing is that strange, but I do think you need to nip it in the bud, before it DOES become hard to deal with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): You may not realise this but it is very possible that your interaction with your son has been lacking in certain boundaries which in turn put you at the focus of his sexual desire. Your son is not acting independently. His behaviour is tied into and a response to the relationship you have nurtured with him. I assume there is no father here. Sometimes single parents end up relying too much on their child. For all types of support, emotional and whatnot that a child shouldn't have to deal with. Instead of nurturing a mother-son relationship, this type of dependency on your child knocks down those boundaries and the child believes and takes the place of a surrogate husband. Creating sexual energy between the two of you. Because you depend on him in a way where he sees himself more as a husband than as your child, you then become the object of his desire. I think you both could benefit from therapy. But mostly you. He's not acting independently. His actions are tied to the dynamic of the relationship you've fostered with him, something in the relationship is flawed. And change needs to start with the parent. Because you are the adult. You need to learn how to set boundaries in your relationship with your son. And find other sources to fill whatever emotional or physical void you may be dealing with. And know that he is a child, a boy, pre pubescent and needs to be treated as such. Which means you need to seperate any emotional reliance you have on him. A therapist could guide you to finding appropriate ways to interact with your son. You may not realise what you are doing wrong but a therapist will help you learn where you need to set boundaries in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 April 2016):
I think there are 2 schools of thought here and it rather depends what part of the question we focus on. Using your pictures does, of course, sound profoundly disturbing: you’re his mother for goodness sake. You talk about him wanting his semen to touch you: again, very abnormal. I can see why there is real cause for concern here, but I think you can explain this rather differently and should try talking to him first.
To begin, perhaps at 13 he doesn’t know how to, or have the nerve to, access any other erotic imagery. It’s no bad thing if he hasn’t got the guts or the resources to access porn. The only thing he has are your pictures, which are safe and he feels comfortable with them, as BrownWolf said. He kept them hidden and probably never intended you to find them. Maybe he’s still naïve.
Second, when you talk about him wanting his semen to touch you, it implies that he was turned on by the idea of it touching you. Did he really think that deeply about it? Did the idea of it touching you really turn him on? Or did he just put them away in a hurry? Or perhaps he’s wanting to get your attention by showing you without saying, what he’s doing. I don’t think it’s as sinister as you fear.
I think the thing to do is to sit him down and prepare him for this talk. Explain that whatever he tells you, he must not feel embarrassed and that a lot of changes will be going on in his body right now. Explain to him very honestly what you know has been going on. Be clear with him exactly what parts of what he’s been doing aren’t acceptable: going through your things, not cleaning up after himself and using your pictures. Be clear that he can’t carry on doing this and ask him if there are any questions he wants to ask you. If he doesn’t, tell him you’re happy to talk about anything he wants, if he feels the need, then leave it and see how things progress.
To be honest, I actually agree with the suggestion that you direct him to use catalogues or other reasonably innocent imagery if he really feels he has to, and even let him buy some underwear. Some people will be disapproving of that suggestion but I don’t believe in shielding children of his age from sexuality and exploring it within acceptable boundaries, because brute biology has a pace of its own and you end up with very confused behaviour like your son is showing now if their mentality isn’t maturing at the same speed as their biological development.
You don’t mention any father, step father or male in his life but if there is one who he trusts, talk to them first and see if they can help you have this talk with him. But if not, get the embarrassing talk over, tell him you love him and see how things go. No further intervention may be needed. I’d only seek specialist help if the problem persists or gets worse.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): Do you know if he uses other sources of "inspiration" (internet sites, catalogues, porn magazines...)?I'd talk to a specialist alone first. Fantasizing is one thing but what he did with his sperm - if it had been done on purpose- is some form of sexual abuse.I wouldn't have been worried THAT much if your photos had been among some other photos, magazines.... But if he's solely fixated on you and wished to "touch " you with his sperm as you say... well I'd consult with a specialist first - child psychologist. In any case I would talk to a specialist BEFORE talking to my son just to get another POV. I am not saying that your son is sick but these matters are delicate and he could be embarrassed by you.On the other and him leaving these things where they can easily be found and not being careful enough when using your underwear... he's either immature and thinks that he's good at covering his tracks or is "communicating" with you in that way.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 April 2016):
This is normal...to a point.
When I was his age, my first sexual fantasy was with the SEARS catalogue. Women in white underwear...To this very day, it is part of my fantasy world.... But why???
They were safe. They would not yell at me, or call me weird, or any bad names.
For him... you are safe...you will not destroy his self-esteem, and that is the main part of his fantasy.
Girls his age are very quick to criticize, and judge. On a young boy, it is brutal. Some move on, some never recover.
How to help him...simple...Get yourself a SEARS catalogue :))) Leave it around so he can find it.
Also...talk to him...tell him you know what he is doing, and ask him to direct his attention to the catalogue. Encourage him to stay away from porn...because it gives the false treatment of women.
I assume you are a single mom...and you are the only woman he can trust.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2016):
This sounds like an incest fantasy problem. What did your husband say when you discussed this with him?
In the meantime, I would confiscate the photo of yourself in the bikini, making it clear that you know he had it.
Lock your bedroom door when you aren’t around to keep him out of your things. Reinforce that stealing or “borrowing” something without asking isn’t okay.
Let him know that masturbation is normal and natural and part of growing up. Also let him know that cleaning up after himself needs to be part of the growing up process.
Buy him a small package of underwear he can use, ask him to rinse it out and put it in the laundry and nothing more needs to be said.
If you feel helpless about this, I would suggest you talk to his pediatrician and ask for a referral to a therapist. Also there are many mommy blogs out there that deal with this situation and it may help to read what other moms wind up doing.
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