A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is this guy I work with who has been showing interest in me for over a year. He is older than me by 10 or so years, but he is in a position below me. Several times he has told me that he is attracted to me, that he cares for me, and that he thinks I like him too (he is horribly mistaken and in denile) and we should be together...However... I just don't like him. He has a not-so-good recent history with a married woman and that is a HUGE turnoff. He is nice and funny, but also very clingy and annoying. I'd go so far as to call him slightly creepy. He has offered to take me out on a shopping spree and he will buy me whatever I want. He has asked to take me to movies, to dinner, to clubs, even out of town.Several times he has asked, each time I've said no. I've been nice about it. Everything from "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" to "I'm so busy with my career it wouldn't be fair to be in a relationship with someone; I'd neglect them." He still asks. Today he wanted to talk to me, so we did. I'm stupid for agreeing to talk to him. After he poured out his heart to me about how much he "loves" me and thinks I'm awesome, I told him that I don't ever see us working out and that he should move on, and I felt HORRIBLE.And he is still trying. He texted me saying he will wait however long he needs to until I'm "ready", I'm ignoring it. I just don't know what else to say or do except to stop being nice and to start putting my foot down and being a little rude... which is not my personality at all. Me simply saying that he should move on was tough for me to do because I'm sure I made him feel like crap.Someone said to give him a chance- absolutely NOT. This guy is completely unsavory to me. I must see him on a daily basis and even when he walks over to talk to me I tense up and feel uncomfortable. It's just going to be worst after our conversation today.I just don't know what else to do or say. He is making the workplace uncomfortable for me. I don't want to mention it to my boss because that would create drama. So far this is just between me and him.Anyone have some advice on what I can say or do to make this guy STOP?
View related questions:
I work with, married woman, move on, my boss, text, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): OP here... thank you ALL for your comments. If he sends me just ONE more text or approaches me ONE more time I will let my manager know the situation. I'm trying to keep this at the lowest level possible because I fear widespread drama or gossip with other co-workers, but I agree I have been too gentle in my approach with telling him "no". I guess I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I've always had this issue with being too nice and people run me over all the time. This guy just makes me feel uncomfortable and I shouldn't feel this way in the workplace.
Again, thank you guys.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): OP you need to see the reality of this. This type of person CLEARLY is not a normal, rational person. His attempts at chatting you up are clearly in the "weirdo" territory and the fact he keeps on harassing you FOR A WHOLE YEAR shows that he is not just thick skinned but completely out of touch with reality, proper emotions and real life. People like that may come across as just being needy, insecure, inexperienced and niave, but in truth he is a creepy, harassing, older man who you really need to come to an end with. Some people believe they are married to pop stars, others stalk and some act pathetic but the underlying condition is the same. Offering to take you out and buy your love with gifts, take you to the movies (what are you 15?), constantly telling you he loves you, being clingy, etc, etc, etc shows that he has more of a problem than just naivity and a thick skin.In normal everyday conversation or situations these people appear to be perfectly normal, rational human beings. But when it comes to sex, love, emotions and emotional connections they are like children. I remind you that this has dragged on for a YEAR and got worse not better. How much longer do you intend to let this get out of control? You need to see this guy for what he is, not what your pity and niceness makes him appear. I don't want to scare you but these things can get much worse if encouraged - stalking, even rape. Yes he may seem a pathetic, confused, needy, insecure "child" BUT he is still a grown man in his mid 30s with adult urges but a child's view of those urges. YOU MUST TELL YOUR EMPLOYER AS THEY HAVE A DUTY OF CARE. Don't hold back or feel bad. This man is harassing you. For that there is no excuses.STOP apologizing, STOP rationalising, STOP defending, STOP feeling guilty or horrible and START turning this situation around. Whoever told you to give this guy a chance is so naïve! As someone who has been the victim of a stalker and harassment in the past, I know how easy it is to rationalise the situation. In fact when I mentioned it to my family they were mortified. My friends went mad at me for not seeing how serious it had become. Now I relaise I was in denial about it. PLEASE get this things sorted. Some of the advice on her would be fine if dealing with an over eager guy who wouldn't take no for an answer, this is very different. He is a man living in a fantasy where the two of you are deeply in love and WILL be together. Just like people who stalk celebs thinking they are in some way having a relationship with them. STOP seeing him as a helpless, needy, pitiful lad who needs love and happiness and stand up for yourself.All this business of explaining and even justifying to him why you don't feel the way he thinks is not going to do any good at all. You should never apologize or make excuses for not loving someone or being with them. Don't compliment him ("you'll make someone a good husband" or "your a nice, sweet person but..." type of thing) because that's what he feeds off. You told him you wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment....so now he is waiting for you to start wanting a relationship. You told him you didn't want to go to the cinema, so he suggests a bar, you tell him no to the bar so he ask to take you shopping....! Got-issues suggested saying to him, "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way about you and my feelings will never change." But apologizing for not feeling the same way will make him think you are sad and apologetic about not having those feelings because that's how these people do think. CMMP suggests you say "Sorry for not being upfront about it sooner." BUT you shouldn't apologize when you have been perfectly honest, open, upfront and clear with this guy. In his twisted mind he is likely to take that statement as meaning "I lead you on before and now i'm saying sorry so do you forgive me?" to which his response will be to want to show you he still loves you and doesn't "mind" that you were supposedly responsible for the situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fender  +, writes (3 May 2013):
my kill switch is knowing the person i like was with someone.I was actually ur workmate position about 5 years ago. I was very head over heel, almost obesses with one my work-bud [lucky for us dating worker mate is frown upon in our line of work] at that time i was very delusional at the time. by the sound of things so is your work mate. That why i will recommend cautions, because you never what delusional person reactions will be.In my case the guy like you was very nice and upfront when he said no , even though i never let effect our work. He found i still secretly like him then wouldnt talk to me unless it work stuff. A few years later after we left the sector did this own thing, we and i mean i try to keep in touch, [his every lazy at these things]i may have been a bit annoying about with one of my txt and he snap sending a very rude but up front txt. That did hit a soft spot cos after that rude attitude there no way i can think of him more other just a friend. Took us a while but we're mates again. Til this day i;m not sure if this was on purpose of not. Point is sometime us delusional people need that cold hard truth sometimes. It helps wakes us up.
...............................
A
female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (3 May 2013):
OP im going to tell you from my own experience of this same situation that this guy isn't just some niave, inexperienced guy who need to learn to take the hint. He is clearly very emotionally mixed up. We all misinterpret someone's signals and end up looking foolish, we have all tried to get the one we like and so on and end up with egg on our face but this is different. "He has offered to take me out on a shopping spree and he will buy me whatever I want. He has asked to take me to movies, to dinner, to clubs, even out of town." Those are not the actions or words of a man in his thirties. "Today he wanted to talk to me, so we did. I'm stupid for agreeing to talk to him. After he poured out his heart to me about how much he "loves" me and thinks I'm awesome, I told him that I don't ever see us working out and that he should move on, and I felt HORRIBLE." OP your doing this all wrong!!!!! NEVER talk to this guy unless its strictly professional. I know its hard when you want to be nice and care about how you make others feel but this HAS to stop!!! It wont if you let him pour his heart out to you like this. He will mistake your kindness for love as these people are irrational and live in a dream world.Why do you feel horrible????? This guy is creepy, wont leave you alone (THIS IS HARRASMENT!) and your letting him go on being deluded by talking to him and letting him make you feel sorry for him. OP that's what he wants. Pathetic people like him try hard to get sympathy then mistake it for love and affection. STOP feeling guilty and tell this guy in no uncertain terms to leave you alone!!!! I know its not "You" but it wont stop otherwise, I know because I had it for 3 years!! 3 YEARS!!!! Why? because I was too timid and nice to stand up to the guy. Change your number, or have him blocked, and never speak about anything other than work again. Telling him you were "not ready for a relationship right now" was what I said to the man who harassed me. His response was the same as the one you got from your guy: him saying he will wait however long he needs to until your ready. DO you see? Saying things like that to these people just encourages them. I told the man who harassed me he was a nice guy and would make someone happy....I thought he was going to cry with happiness! Big mistake!! He thought I was complimenting him out of attraction!!Who the f*** asked you to give him a chance?!?! This guy is clearly deranged. look at his actions and words. How could he ever be considered "Normal" in terms of a relationship? He makes you feel nervous and uncomfortable. He is creepy and clearly not a normal individual who responds to things in a normal manner."I told him that I don't ever see us working out" OP that will encourage him to make you "see it working out!" YOU MUST never ever apologize nor compliment or tell him he is a nice guy or would make someone happy. He wont take the hint but turn it around in his head. I have to disagree with some of the comments on here, which i'm sure were well meaning, but I know from my own experience that if you say anything to make out you were responsible for the misunderstanding or start any sentence with "sorry" he will see it as a good thing rather than seeing the reality. R1 said " You aren't the only girl in the world if you turn him down he will get over it and move on. Guy at work asked me out I laughed and said there is not enough alcohol in the world. Bit harsh maybe but we laughed and are friends now - and more importantly he knows there is no chance." BUT this person isn't just someone whos a bit naïve or got his wires crossed. He is not someone you can ever have a laugh with afterwards. You will never be able to form a normal working relationship or friendship with this man because his actions show he is more than just wet behind the ears or perssistant. PLEASE report him to your manager. Keep all the texts as evidence and don't hold back on telling all. I did it in the end and felt awful but he was moved away from me and I am glad I did it. His behaviour is unacceptable, creepy, making you uncomfortable and is worrying for you. That by itself is bad enough but when he is declaring love for you and deluded enough to think you feel the same way, you know it is time to make a stand.Sometimes in life we have to do things which are hard, do things others don't like or find hurtful. Tough. We have to think of ourselves sometimes and you have been more than fair and more than accommodating. You've tried the nice, gentle kind response and things are worse not better. PLease let us know how you got onMaisy x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2013):
 I read somewhere that 80 % of women who told a guy that they are seeing someone else, got left alone, but women who said no weren't.
So my advice... Tell him you are seeing someone. That ought to make him back off.
If not, I would simply tell him;" look dude, you are not my type and I know you are trying to be nice but this needs to stop, if you don't stop asking me out I will go to HR (or the boss."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Also, would like to add, after you've done the 'look, Jerry...' speech, either block his number by downloading an app if you have a smartphone, or change your number entirely. You don't want to read any more soppy texts. Any communication can be through professional channels. Work emails are all logged so he's unlikely to ask you out via that.
Seems OTT but believe you me, it really is best to nip these things in the bud.
Best wishes, let us know how you get on x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Letting him down when you are a sensitive cqring person can feel excruciating. But he has shown by his refusal to take a hint, that he is very thick skinned. He's not listening to the subtle approach so you'll need to be very clear. People like this pick up on your perceived ambivalence and push the boundaries, just thinking of their own needs without respecting yours. Your feelings of discomfort are telling you clearly that what he's doing is WRONG. Therefore, know that you are perfectly RIGHT when you say firmly and clearly NO.People who won't take no for an answer are a nightmare, and they don't follow normal rules of engagement. You absolutely should not have anything to do with him, don't listen to the person who said give it a go.Next time he does it, look him in the eye, say:'Look Jerry, you've asked me before, and I've already told you, I'm not interested. I'm starting to get a bit irritated that you don't seem to be listening to me and respecting what I'm saying. Now, let me be very clear: I'm not interested. I don't expect to have to tell you again.'Keep eye contact, don't smile, no friendly nudge or whatnot, just straight, direct, clear. Walk away and don't get involved in discussion with him. Don't engage him at all.If he does it again, tell HR.Best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Just keep on saying no. If he is going to keep asking the same question he will keep getting the same answer.
Have you made it clear that you do not like him or have you given him the impression that the door is still open in the future? Don't give him any reason to hope.
Ask him to leave you alone. If he still doesn't then you should tell your boss or ask to get transferred.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (3 May 2013):
 You have just given him excuses so far, which are likely to make him think that if he hangs around a bit longer and tries just a little bit harder, things will go his way. I understand your feelings because it's very uncomfortable and turning a person down feels horrible, especially if it's someone you have to see every day. But it's important that you do it properly. You can't leave him in any doubt that it's not going to work out. You have to kill his hopes, basically. Try saying to him, "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way about you and my feelings will never change." After that it's up to him what he does with that information. If he continues to pester you then you need to speak to someone like your supervisor.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (3 May 2013):
 You need to be fair to him and give him a straight answer. Telling him you aren't ready for a relationship says to him he can hang around till you are ready. You aren't the only girl in the world if you turn him down he will get over it and move on. Guy at work asked me out I laughed and said there is not enough alcohol in the world. Bit harsh maybe but we laughed and are friends now - and more importantly he knows there is no chance.
Just remember you aren't a bad person if you turn someone down!
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 May 2013):
Well bearing around the bush works with most people, but I guess this guy isn't most people. (BTW, whoever told you to give him a shot is crazy!)
As far as I can tell you haven't been direct enough with him.
Text him "Look, I've maybe not been as clear as I could, I guess I was trying to be nice. But you must not be getting it so I'm going to have to be very honest with you: I'm not interest in dating you in any way. Not now, not ever, and there's nothing that could change that. Sorry for not being upfront about it sooner."
Don't add any extra phrases like, "I'm sure you'll make some woman very happy" (that indicates you see something in him).
...............................
A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (3 May 2013):
 First of all, you should not feel horrible at all. You have been straight forward, and very patient with a year long crush that includes workplace advances.
This is stepping into the human resources zone now. If you want to be very kind, and this is perfectly fair, you warn him that you do not want ANY further advances or non-work related attention in the workplace. If he respects that, great, if not, time to escalate to your boss or HR.
The problem is, some guys can't take a polite hint. You don't have to justify why you don't want to give him a chance. That's a matter of taste. -Every guy knows deep down, it's your call. He is acting disrespectful, and borderline harassing. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Tell the guy straight out that you think his behavior is professionally inappropriate. You really are not interested in any unprofessional way, and hope you've clearly made your point. Avoid any further communication outside of business. Leave when he approaches.
You've fired a shot across the bow.
If he persists, go to HR.
...............................
|
