A
female
age
36-40,
*oungLuv23
writes:Hi everyone! I hope you can help..or at least share your input. My name is Susan. I have been with my soul mate since I was 16. He is my heart and soul and is the most tenderhearted gentleman I know. I'm now 23 years old. He is 25. We are both people who work hard but we are having extreme difficulty getting our lives started due to financial issues. I work as a preschool teacher full time teaching "at risk" children and I am also a student at a local University. I absolutely love what I do. My work is my passion. He works for a building and remodeling company...and hopes to one day start his own business. However, he dropped out of high school and has not yet gotten his G.E.D. He has tried once and failed the test. We have been through several obstacles in the last few years. We attempted to have a small wedding last year which was mutually desired. However, right before the wedding we failed in the ability to make a necessary payment and the wedding was completely called off...which broke both of our hearts (trust me I had to recently sell my wedding dress) I am a very conservative spender and he is very extravagent. He is doing better but has made several mistakes in the past...and is a very stubborn individual when it comes to others advice. We both have been raised in middle class families. He often makes poor choices where money is concerned. We have bills which we are slowly paying off to the best of our ability. I have recently been extremely frustrated because I feel like we are not getting anywhere. I want to get married and start a family soon. We are not financially stable. When I tell people that's why I am not getting pregnant they tell me if I use that excuse forever.. we will never have kids. I feel like I am being smart about the situation! Everything is more expensive then we can afford. I just recently paid off most of my bills. He just recently had his car repossessed. We keep falling back instead of moving forward. I love this man with all of my heart and soul...but recently I have been wondering if we can have a life together? I've been worried that we will end up struggling to survive. Is love enough or should I find another life partner? Just thinking these thoughts brings tears to my eyes and crushes my heart but I want to live a good life. Is this wrong of me? What should I do? He knows I'm ready to move forward and just tells me he is doing the best that he can...and often he is telling the truth. Even though I love my career I am rethinking my options..should I just go for a higher paying job to stay with the man I love?
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crush, money, soulmate, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (17 October 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question David has really matured. We have payed almost all of our bills off and he just got a great job. We are on our way to having our own "life." Economic times are hard ..he has even set up a budget. I am so proud.
A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (11 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked with him about few of these ideas today. He was so glad that I was suggesting cooperative changes and not playing the blame game like I tend to do. Thanks guys!!
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A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (9 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your suggestions. I am willing to do anything if it solves this dilemma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): There are LOTS of great books dealing with couples and money.
Please google "Conscious Spending for Couples" by Knuckey, or "Money Harmony" by Mellan.
Different money styles was the greatest stress in my marriage but it has gotten so much better, with the help of what I learned from reading about the subject.
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A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (9 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really like your first suggestion. It seems very respectful towards him and I want to keep his feelings and needs in mind as well. As far as the wedding is concerned...well..to put it mildly I'm over it. I just want us to be able to start our lives together. Now, through it all I realize the money for a wedding could be going towards better things...even though every now & then I feel heartbroken about never having that experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Unfortunately, love is not always enough...but those people are weak and you seem VERY strong.
In my relationship, I am the spender and it is very hard to stop spending even when you know you shouldn't, you know you don't need it, and you know you can't afford it. I have taken many steps forward to spending wisely, but I have also taken many steps backward. He needs love and support through it all, but also probably needs a tight budget. Many people when they feel like they do not have enough money spend everything they get as soon as they get it because they don't feel like they get to spend their money on what they really want.
I have two big suggestions.
1. A strong budget. Budgets must be flexible. The first budget (even first 10) will not always work, but you must start with one to tweak it. And ALL budgets MUST include frivolous spending money. Give him money EVERY week or month to spend on ANYTHING he wants. Don't limit what he can buy or save for, just give him some money to spend how he wants. (I say give him, but really I mean you two need to decide on a number that works and if you stay on the stingy side then he will want to take more) The hardest thing when you have little money is to feel like you can never have anything you want.
2. Now, this suggestion will completely backfire without following strictly the first suggestion. Prosper.com is a wonderful website. I got a loan right before my wedding when I found out more people were coming than we expected for an needed a lot of sudden cash. We could not get a loan from any bank because we had not even had full time jobs for a year. Prosper allows real people to loan you as little as $50 at a time. You fill out a form, fill out the request for the loan, and mainly state why you need the loan. We got funded $10,000 and most of it was made up of people loaning $50. Check it out, it can be a big help.
However, you MUST be careful with how the money is spent and paying off the loan. Suggestion 2 WILL backfire if you do not keep to a strict and flexible budget.
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A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (9 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback *Ask oldersister! The only issue is that he has difficulty balancing his bank account so he insist on carrying cash..which = Impulse spending..which is his problem. I just think we both want our financial independence. However, clearly what you are saying is suddenly helping me realize this as part of the problem. Oh, and the five year conversation...we had that tonight which has lead me to this post. He just describes the same things I want..but he expects to just stumble upon them without making any changes....which is so frustrating!
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A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (9 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really like the idea about taking money out for savings as emergency money. Wow..that may work!
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A
female
reader, YoungLuv23 +, writes (9 July 2008):
YoungLuv23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply! I understand where you are coming from when you say "If we are in a financial bind, it is what it is, at least we are together, and feeling well" But the thing is ..at times it has been causing tension in our relationship. We both want to move out of our parents house...the more we try to get on our feet the more we fall back. It is just so expensive to survive..especially on salaries like ours. I want to continue teaching but the salary is not cutting it! He feels pressured to support us both...that's not what I'm asking for..I just need him to be financially responsible. We have talked it over time and time again and he just claims he will do better. I don't feel right with a joint account before we're living together/married..It almost makes me feel like I am losing my independence..financially at least. Do people have joint checking accounts before they're married?
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (9 July 2008):
 We have so much in common! I have 2 kids, and am with the man of my dreams (of course with just a couple of very minor flaws). We make just enough money to survive, but the thing is, we are a really happy couple. At first, it was hard, we both spent more money than we made, and found ourselves swimmingin debt. To solve this issue, I started writing a budget. Together, we sat down, talked about what we needed, how much we made, how much rent was, food, gas (eeekkkk!) and the kids. Every paycheck, we took out a certain amount of $ and put it aside for savings, and the rest was distibuted to the survival needs. We got a joint banking account, and we manage the $ together. Neither of us spend a dollar without the other knowing about it. Sometimes, we have to dip into the savings, but thats just how it goes. What people seem to forget is to be more in the moment. What good would it do to fight, get depressed or break up over money? It never solved anything. The only thing you can do is buckle down and discuss with your partner where the money is going to go. As far as your honey, it's important to start somewhere. Just because he hasnt finished high school doesnt mean he shouldnt try to get some work going. Even a minimum paying job is better than nothing. My family is not wealthy, at all, but we are happy with what we have, and we have learned that simplicity is truly a good thing. Less to worry about. If we are in a financial bind, it is what it is, at least we are together, and feeling well. The money will flow as it should.
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