A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:When growing my dad was hard on both of us. When my brother got lectures, it was more of "I know you can do better". My lectures consisted of getting completely torn down, getting told I'd be obese (5'5, 135 pounds, no weight issues ever), that I don't have the "looks" to get through life, that I would end up a drug addict (never had issues w/addiction) and just some very nasty untrue things. I'm just wondering why I was treated differently? I know parents want the best for their kids, but how is tearing them down gonna make them happy or successful? I used to be more shy, now I just suffer from a super low self esteem and anxiety. I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids, ever.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2018):
 Your Dad is abusive. There is no excuse ever to treat your children like that. It will have lasting effects. I think you should maybe seek some therapy so that you can deal with these issues and see that you are not what he said you are. Off course it is going to be on your mind growing up with that abuse. I am not sure why he treated you worse than your brother, possibly he may have felt he needed to come down harder on a female. Either way it is not okay what he has done. Does he still treat you like this now?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018): Your Dad is abusing you emotionally and psychologically. I actually think this form of abuse is more violent than physical abuse, because it is invisible; it is harder to prove and easier for the abuser to get away with.Without going into my own situation too much, here are a few things that have helped me to come to terms with abusive parents.1. Abusive parents don't always seem to abuse all their children equally. One child may seem abused, the other may seem to be 'favoured'. My younger sister was the 'golden child' and it used to tear me apart that she could do no wrong, whereas I, no matter what I did, could do nothing 'right'. However, much later on in life, I realised that, when a parent abuses one child, they actually abuse all the children involved, even the 'favoured' one. This is because although the 'favoured' one seems to 'win out' what they lose is the possibility of a close bond of equality with their own sibling, and they lose any chance whatsoever of establishing similar bonds with other people. Instead, their sense of what is valuable becomes very warped at a very young age and they tend not to grow up to be fair people - unless, that is, they stick up for their siblings at the time of the abuse and insist on being treated the same. Your father is encouraging your brother to disrespect and possibly abuse women when he is older, and he will probably never see women as equal.2. Abusers tend to abuse those that they feel threatened by, and it is often when they sense an inner strength in that person and want to break that strength. I was the most good natured, hard working, compliant and giving kid you'd meet - and very shy. But my mother tore me to shreds when I started to develop into a woman. This began, for example, when our physical education teacher at school told all of us girls that we must ask our mothers to pack deodorant into our bags for us to use after we showered after our P.E. lessons. I already felt totally intimidated having to ask my mother, and she literally laughed in my face and then told me there was 'an old one in the bathroom'. I went and found this old deodorant and, such was my naivety, I did not know how to use a 'rollerball' type deodorant; the 'ball' part had stopped moving because it had all dried up. I took it to school, bewildered, humiliated and frightened to talk to my mum about it. My mother never explained to me what periods were, so there was further humiliation and shame to do with that. She hated the fact that my father loved me, and would do anything and everything to undermine me - the scars are with me today, but I do understand her motives - when I say I 'understand' them, I don't mean I agree with them at all, just that, in her warped mind, it made sense for her to behave that way. Understanding your abuser is a different (but connected) thing to the EFFECTS of the abuse on you.3. Regarding the EFFECTS of the abuse - this is what you should seek therapy for and this is what you have to consciously build a life to guard against and to help you to move on from. It is very, very important that you actively fill your life with pleasant things, even if it feels pointless at first and seems to have no effect. The body has a wonderful power to affect the mind and, with regular good treatment - good food, exercise, the right kind of stimulations (whatever you like - sport, music, films, socialising, baking cakes, it could literally be anything that YOU like) the body becomes used to these experiences and the mind and emotions start to recover. This is the secret that I learned - through the body, you can heal your mind and heart. Dancing and yoga and swimming are particularly effective for me - but for others it may be things like dog-walking or whatever. Building a good life for yourself is very important and you will probably make some mistakes as we all do - but you must be careful NEVER to let anyone talk down to you. Assertiveness classes can be extremely useful for helping you to overcome abuse - they train you how to 'nip in the bud' potetntially abusive situations.4. If and when you have your own children, you can vow to treat them equally and fairly. You may not succeed 100% in doing this - parenting is very complex and hard work (!) and we do sometimes make mistakes without realising. But, even if you get it 80-90% right most of the time, and vow NEVER to abuse your kids or let anyone else abuse you (or let your kids seeing you be abused) you will have good structures in place for a good future.My guess is that your Dad feels threatened by you for some reason - you will have some inner strength that he is scared of. Don't rack your brains too much about this because this doesn't mean it is your fault - it absolutely is not - it is HIS problem. He may fear women in general - and it certainly sounds like he feared your becoming a women and mature, sexual being. It may be that he actually feared you becoming attractive and another man coming along and loving you and providing for you all the things that he, as your Dad, was not providing. So he tried to stop this from happening by telling you that you would not be attractive. Usually abusers fear their children becoming people in their own right - the general aim is to keep you'll your place' because they, themselves, fear for their own place in life - there's a very deep inner insecurity going on underneath. As I said, in my mother's case, she feared losing my father and projected this fear onto me, a child, hoping to make him despise me instead of love me, and degrading me in any way she could. By the time my younger sister came along (a very late baby, not expected) my mother no longer feared my Dad leaving her; he had become extremely physically ill and literally would not have been able to go anywhere, so my mother felt far less threatened by her.In your case, you will probably be able to figure out what it is that your Dad is really afraid of - probably that he is inadequate and you will leave / abandon him, so he tried to disempower you to make you weaker. Maybe do some probing into his family history, see if there are any clues about his previous relations with women. As I say, this is part of understanding him, but it is different from dealing with the effects on you. Look after yourself, even if it makes you feel 'selfish' and even if it doesn't seem to work at first - your heart will heal, but it takes time and effort from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018): If he still does that to you cut him outaa your life.Life is short there is no need to keep abuser in your life.It sucks but the amount of relief you will feel will be worth it.Then get therapy so when you have kids you do not do that.I really hope you do not have a eating disorder because of him.my brother was the Golden child just because he was a boy.I got insulted and berated just because I was a girl.Sounds like the same crap I had to live with.That is why at sixteen I got two jobs rented an apartment never looked back.Never see my brother anymore don't even really care.He got a little stuck up being that Golden child.I am alot stronger than most from all that crap and I bet you are too.By the way the years in a way do give justice...my brother is obease now lol and really I never was.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 September 2018):
 I had a similar relationship with my mother. Both my brother and I got verbally (and physically) abused throughout our childhoods but I always got much worse. Like you, it left me feeling like I was never good enough, never pretty enough, never clever enough.
It wasn't until my aunt (one of my mother's sisters) came to stay with us and we had a conversation one day about upbringings that she told me the sort of upbringing THEY had had. Their mother had been what I can only describe as evil and sadistic in her treatment of them. They both tried to do better with their own children but my aunt admitted that, in her own case and my mother's case, she often felt their own mother coming through, no matter how hard they tried to not do the same to their children as they had suffered.
I did have a conversation with my mother years later. She was angry that my aunt had told me what she had told me (saying she had never wanted us to know how horrible her own childhood had been). During that conversation I told her how she had made me feel. She ended up crying but also saying that she had done the best she could.
Once I had got my head round what my mother had been through and how she HAD tried her best, I did start to come to terms with her treatment of me and put it into some sort of perspective. I think you need to realize your father is human. For whatever reason, he finds communication with your brother easier than with you. Whether it is a personality thing or down to gender, I don't know.
Can you talk to your father and discuss how he made you feel and ask him why he was so harsh on you? What about your mother? Where was/is she in all this? Was he perhaps harsh on her as well?
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (2 September 2018):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE
He isn't an addict, he grew up in a very strict home. I know he loves me, but I'm puzzled as to why he did that to me. I still live at home atm and when I move out I will tell him how I feel. The scars are there today and there are days where I feel utter hopelessness. I wish I could be happy w/myself, but I am constantly comparing myself to other people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018): Do you still have a relationship with your father now? Is he still the same? Where was your mother during all this verbal-abuse from your father? Why didn't she intervene?
Does your father have a history of drinking, or drug-abuse? Do you know whether he grew-up in an abusive, dysfunctional, and/or alcoholic-household? He is most-likely the product of a father just like himself. His parents were probably mean and strict; so he thinks that's how a father is supposed to motivate. Was/is your mother completely his opposite? Did he bring you both up alone?
There are many factors that make some men brutal fathers. It's cultural and traditional within some ethnic-groups for fathers to be tough and unyielding. Some change and some don't. Some come from homes where the father is supposed to be strong, overbearing, and not show tenderness or mercy. Where machismo defines the man.
You know what he said wasn't/isn't true. You now live in the present. If you still carry the scars, you should seek counseling and therapy; so you can move on.
Sometimes people have to have a day of reckoning; where they confront their bullies.
You're all grown-up now. Maybe someday you can take your dad aside; maybe just the two of you in a quiet place. Ask him to listen, and don't talk. Tell him how he always made you feel. Bare your soul and don't hold back. If he remains as abusive as he ever was; this probably will not matter. It's not meant to change him. It's meant to change you.
Tell him what he did to you; when all you ever wanted from him was love. It won't make him a new man; but it will cleanse your soul, and lift a heavy burden off your shoulders. Before he closes his eyes for his final-rest; he should know what he did to you. He should hear it from you; how you feel about him, and how you feel about the way he raised you. Also inform him that you will never treat your children as he treated you. He may not like it, and he will probably raise hell. Stand firm! This is your moment.
You will shove some truth in his ears; and give him something he can ponder on for the rest of his life. He'll either choke on his guilt; or he may surprise you, and apologize. It doesn't matter. You would have said your piece, to find your peace.
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