A
male
age
41-50,
*onglish
writes:This is technically a build on my initial concerns that I raised a question about in January. I am fortunate and pleased to say that an excellent career opportunity presented itself, moving back in to my desired career field and I have regained a sense of confidence and purpose, which has allowed me to try and reflect on the problems in our relationship from what I believe to be a better place. Essentially there have been what I think are unresolved issues within our relationship that are still causes for tension between us. What I've reflected on and realised is that I've not had the courage to deal with them face on (maybe due to the impact on my confidence/self belief that was a consequence of my job issues).When I think about addressing the issues now, I only seem to see 2 outcomes, both of which result in her being unhappy and me feeling like a selfish person. 1- Her accepting the changes that I think are needed but her not being happy about them (the reason they need changing is because I believe I've over compromised and put her feelings ahead of my own) or 2- Her refusing to change opinons/position on those issues because they are things that she feels very strongly about (which is why I tried to adapt to them in the first place). Which then means that I have to chose to continue or walk away from the relationship (which I believe will make her unhappy).I will go in to a few of the issues shortly, but a key overlay to all of this is that the question about whether we want or will have children is right in front of us, she is mid thirties, I am late thirties. Family and friends are all having or have children and we are both very good at being with other people's kids. In her words, she says we both need to decide. I agree, but it feels like a conversation that I am nervous about because it has potential to unravel in to the various issues that exist in our relationship. My view, is that I am not as happy in our relationship/life as I would like to be. Choosing to have a child with out resolving the issues seems like a recipe for a lot more serious problems in the future. Therefore this brings in to sharp focus that we need to discuss our relationship problems (that I see as problems) before making any commitment to have children. However, that means me finding the courage to do it, but also finding a way to not allow the conversation to spiral out of control because the issues that I think need resolving are pressure points/topics for each of us that often end up with us having reactions that are clouded with emotions, which I think ends up with the issues I explain below being unresolved or me feeling like I've bent too far to regain or keep the peace. Therefore to try and address them all, whilst it relating to a discussion as big as choosing to become parents feels like insanity.I have always seen myself as a father one day, so essentially I do want children, I just can't let myself be driven by that and not resolve issues that make me unhappy.So what are the issues?1. Friendship/SocialisingIn the UK I had a very full and varied social network , from school friends to uni friends, work colleagues, new acquaintances and friends made through sport (football).My other half is a sociable person, she enjoys being around people. However, she has no friends, she has colleagues, but they are nothing more. She is close to her family, her mother is quite demanding of her time but is fond of us as a couple aswell and I am lucky to be part of such a caring and welcoming family having moved to Norway 2 years ago.We live in her hometown, but at some point approx 10 years ago, the group of friends she had been a part of since the age of 10, froze her out, stopped inviting her, stopped including her. She is a very proud and principled person and would not be one to chase or try to make people like her. She has never truly understood why, what's clear is it still upsets her to this day. I am only guessing at how it has affected her ability to make new friends, but her confidences about being liked or that she can make new friends is virtually zero. She seems unwilling to risk further rejection, so she won't suggest going out with a colleague, she won't add my friends on Facebook, most of whom she has known for 4 years now, a few add her, but it's a confusing area for me as someone who loves her.The tension occurs because I've moved here and we have almost zero social life outside her family. I've become the central part of her world. I envisioned that by moving here I would it need to be home every evening, I would join a sports team or socialise with work colleagues and open up my own new social network that would and could include her.2 years in, that has not happened, I can't see it happening either , because what has become clear is a distrust of people she does not know, which inhibits me and I've allowed her feelings to take precedent. An example.of me not having the courage to upset her, especially when you can see it linking back to how she felt as a result of her "friends" treatment. That links to a distrust of other women , all potential threats that could try to tempt me away. Therefore female colleagues are an issue, does not matter if they are 15 years older or younger, married, children or generally unattractive to me (a topic that is also a minefield to discuss).When it comes to guys, I've shared some of the stories from my adulthood, drinking, pranks, smoking of weed in Amsterdam, regrettable visits to strip clubs, childish foolish behaviour in the name of fun. This leads to an element of distrust about me with my friends and guys in general. In 2 years I've not had a trip home to just hang out with the guys, because that's essentially me saying that o want to revert to that behaviour and get drunk (excessive drinking is also an issue - I've not been drunk in 2 years, nor a bad thing but something that a part of me naturally misses, I even agree before the rare time.i go out, how much the maximum I will drink will be - rarely more than 3 or 4 beers). I agree a time I will aim to be home, promising not to be inappropriate, prank around or flirt. So the friends thing has areas that I'd like to resolve, but by having adapted for 2 years to make her happy, I'm certain thst to change and improve the situation for me will result in her feeling more unhappy alone isolated and left watching as an outsider. My goal woild be that this would be the building blocks for becoming our friends, but that seems difficult to achieve. Especially as it seems everyone generally falls in to a category of disapproval one way or the other. It feels like one way or another most other people and myself are flawed, which adds further pressure to me, as I can not be sure how each social event (the rare ones not with her family) will actually go. Or more accurately, the fall out discussions that follow and I'm then accused of being too defensive and not seeing her point of view. It generally gets very difficult to discuss.If I could maybe have 2 trips a year to see friends without her and try to have maybe a night a month out without her, that would feel like a compromise I'd be happy with. It's far less than I used to have before I was with her, but from where I am now, it would go a long way to making things happier for me. But if also want to feel free to do that and anticipating what the aftermath will be or being apprehensive about it in the build up and during.Combine that with a desire for equality in parenting (we are both pro equality- we live in norway) and I'm looking like not wanting to do my share, because she can't and won't create the same stuff in her life to balance out me doing stuff without her.Realistically I do more than my fair share around the house when.it comes to cooking, cleaning and tidying etc and if we chose to have kids , I don't see that changing. Especially as her work as a teacher massively over runs in to our evenings. It makes planning and doing stuff very difficult as no two days can be the same, she is either marking or lesson planning. The irony being, she could do that while I am out anyway, but her issues and distrust make her unproductive when I'm not there. So in the interest if helping her to cope with her job and us to have some time together, I've come to accept that for what I thought of as the greater good, we don't do much mid week and I don't make any effort to socialise with anyone (not that I actually have anyone) midweek.That moves on to another issue, which is my work/job it can link to earlier comments that I've mentioned relating to socialising and distrust of people that she does not know. My job has potential for occasional travel, maybe once every few months a night away. I might now get a job that involves a day trip abroad once per month, but that triggers in to the loneliness reaction, the distrust of strangers reaction and the if we have kids me not being there reaction. It also hits on socialising, drinking on the night away too. Her missing out and she can be resentful that me in the corporate world gets hotels, travel dinner and drinks, while teachers get nothing.I think that this explanation shows why I am un sure how to approach or resolve the situation. It feels like a while list of problems for me, that I've played my part in trying to accept to make her happy and a willingness by me to compromise. The outcome however results in me now feeling unhappy. A situation I've created and that is why I can't see a result that doesn't make her feel lied to/mislead/resntful/upsetOver all , I am confused about how best to start addressing these problems, because it feels like it is pulling on a thread and I will unravel in a way that I don't think she will expect. I am uncertain that it won't end up emotional heated and creating further issues. I like the idea of counselling but I just don't know how to get there or if she would as she would see that as failure. I'm open to the idea that I might be making unreasonable requests, but I'm not sure how open she is to changes.Still confused and hoping there are some people here who could help me figure a few things out.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 September 2018):
 Nothing to be embarrassed about. You see problems and you want to fix them but you hold off because you don't want to hurt your partner. I get it.
But it also equate to you shooting yourself in the foot to try and not hurt her. And you DO hurt her by not having this conversation, you let her believe all is good when you are basically miserable.
Take the bull by the horn, the SOONER you have this conversation, the SOONER you can work on either fixing thins or figuring out what's next.
You can do it.
A
male
reader, Nonglish +, writes (20 September 2018):
Nonglish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you I do agree with you. Im embarassed that it is a mess. Im also quite surprised at my lack of courage in how to approach the conversation. One way or another I will, i want to figure out how, before it unravels at the wrong time, but trying to work that out is why im so far down the line without having dealt with it. I just wish i coipd believe in an outcome that's positove annd makes us both happy, as that's my desire for us both and i believe it is hers too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 September 2018):
But if you do nothing... nothing will change.
So, maybe look into what option for mediation/counseling there are available (so you have a solution before having the talk).
Admitting to her that things aren't working for you and that you need her help to fix it should be next.
Don't you think she knows things aren't as great as they could be? That she is either sticking her head in the sand or (like you) hoping things will "just" get better? They don't by the way, not without working it out.
That is part of a relationship. Being willing to work on the things that doesn't work. And like a garden, it requires watering, work and general care-taking.
And let's think about it. WHAT if she refuses to get help and she takes this as something negative only? What then? Well, you go from there.
I don't think it's a matter of YOU (or her) sucking it up and just continue on, because in the long run you will BOTH be miserable long term. If she refuses to TRY and make it work, maybe you BOTH need to accept that it is NOT going to work.
Definitely do NOT bring in a child in this mess.
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A
male
reader, Nonglish +, writes (17 September 2018):
Nonglish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you for the reply. I agree with your points. My focus now is finding the best way to approach the conversation. I want to address the problems that I think are there, but I foresee the idea of me suggesting a mediator/guide to help, resulting in delving in to the issues to justify why, which I think has potential to spiral negatively very quickly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2018):
I think you have to consider a few things before trying to fix anything.
NOT having kids now... is smart, as things are not REALLY working.
You bend over backward for her, but that also makes you resent her. So, YOU do need to change YOUR own behavior.
You not being "allowed" a social life because you partied when you were younger, it's honestly ridiculous. You are in your late 30's. You should be able to MAKE friends, have a social life and social circle. JUST because she doesn't have one doesn't mean YOU have to be her whole world and she yours.You can't live in isolation because SHE is affair of rebuilding a social circle. And you can't have a healthy relationship without trust.
If your job REQUIRE you to travel, then you travel. If it require networking and social events, then you do those. BRING her long to those you can (and where it's practical and SHE wants to come) but don't refuse to go because SHE feels bad about you going. It's not like you HAVE to drink alcohol (for instance) at these event. Most people get a lot of self fulfillment from their jobs and hobbies - so why NOT do the best you can? Which can lead to promotions etc.
I DO think the two of you need to talk about it and maybe looking for a neutral 3rd party yo mediate/counsel would be a good idea.
The fact is if you do NOTHING, say nothing... NOTHING will happen.
So, yes, you DO need to talk to her and look for a solution that you BOTH agree on. Like counseling. Doing nothing.... is a failure to the relationship, getting help to make it work, is not. If you two, after the time spend together, hasn't "automatically" made it work... then ASKING and SEEKING help is not a bad thing. Honestly, I think counseling can help most people even if their marriage is working. I know my husband and I went on a marriage retreat through the Army and while there was a lot of bullshit suggestions we came away from it having learned a few things that we still, 15 years later, use.
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