A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, just a quick question as I am really in need of others' opinions. My boyfriend recently asked me how I would feel about him going on a holiday for a week with one of his male friends and two female friends. Is this inappropriate for someone in a relationship to do? We have been together for 3 1/2 years. I feel as though it is not appropriate but he sees nothing wrong with it... Am I overreacting? Thank you for any advice.
View related questions:
on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I don't think it's inappropriate to go on vacation without your significant other or spouse. I often go on trips with my friends without my hb. These are my close girl friends and we've been friends since childhood. Every other year we like to get away from our husbands and families and go on a week-long road trip together like old times. It's just not the same when the husbands (or third parties) are there. My husband goes on fishing trips with his buddies without me, I hate fishing. So no, I don't think it's wrong or bad for someone to want to go on vacation with their own friends and not their spouse. I mean, just because you have a significant other, does it mean that now EVERY trip and adventure you go on has to be with this person? You no longer get to develop friendships on your own without your partner involved too? other people I know take trips without their spouses too. My mom often gets together with her old school friends too, and they reminisce about old days. She invites my dad but he chooses not to go because he would be bored to tears. However, OP, in your case I think I would be concerned because one of his friends is someone he has been rumored to have cheated on you with. Rumors, even if not true technically, have some basis in reality. That to me shows that the nature of their friendship is crossing the line, if it gives others the impression that they are an item. Therefore it's not so much the fact that he wants to go on a trip without you that's bothering me, it's the fact that he has a close female friend whom he has either crossed the line with or come really close to that, and that she is the one going with him. I would not trust him if he has been rumored to have cheated on you with this friend of his. He may deny the claims all he wants, but again the fact is that if other people get the impression that they are a hot item, that impression doesn't just come out of nowhere.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): To me, it's not really a question of trust. That is a position that would make the vast majority of people very uncomfortable - me included. If his vacationing pleasure is more important than making his girlfriend extremely uncomfortable - is that something someone does to the person they love most Inthe world. If his answer is yes, I'd give a lot of thought about whether you are there waiting when he comes back. Do you really want a future With a guy Like this? Do u want to spend the rest of your life being placed in upsetting circumstances because he cares more for his pleasure than he does your feelings?I would find someone who considers me their highest priority. Whether he would actually cheat or not is NOT the central question here
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 What Honeypie said.
you dont' have to trust her if you TRULY TRUST him.
do you truly trust him? then let him go and don't worry about it.
the thing is... my friends are my husband's friends now and his are mine... enough that we do things together socially when the company is mixed sexes...
I still think that something is not "kosher"
why would a man want to go away with other women when he's happily coupled with you?
it makes no sense to me to be honest. and his reasoning is faulty.. if they are his friends and you guys are serious, then don't they need to become YOUR friends too?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2013):
 Here is the thing with trust.
You say you trust him, but not her. It doesn't matter if you don't trust her as LONG as you trust him. Because she could basically prance around naked in front of him and if he is faithful and trustworthy, he's walk away.
So you have to decide if you trust him or not. This isn't about her.
Have you asked him if he thought it would be OK if YOU took a holiday like that? With male friends?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): it sounds like a double-date, but where you're not your bf's date....
it would be OK, if the other 3 people share something in common with your boyfriend which you don't and which you wouldn't enjoy so he has no way to do it with you. E.g. if your bf was an avid rock climber, and the other 3 people are also avid rock climbers, and you don't rock climb at all and hate it, and this was a rock climbing trip.
otherwise, I think it's inappropriate.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Hi, I'm the OP. Thank you for all the responses, I will try and clarify a few things.The trip is to another state, a plane flight away. I was not invited because they are "his" friends and not mine, he says it's just a trip with 4 good friends. One of the girls has a boyfriend. The other is the one I am worried about... She is like my boyfriend's best friend and does not have a boyfriend. I have had issues with her before where there was a rumour that my boyfriend had cheated on me with her, but I approached him about this and he said it was untrue. I trust him, I don't trust her. And I feel that after the rumour and other stuff concerning her, it's a very compromising situation, considering how close they are as well. I have talked to him about it and, although he says he does understand where I'm coming from and thinks my objections are valid, he insists that I have nothing to worry about.
...............................
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Hmm...2 males, 2 females, yet you're not invited. What kind of a fool does he think you are? He obviously thinks you were born yesterday. He sees nothing wrong with it? Well, of course he doesn't, because he WANTS something to happen. He's planning on it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 How come after 3 1/2 years together you're not invited?
I agree with Uncle Sageoldguy, your boyfriend is trying to get you to agree to him having a holiday fling!
Even if the girls are lesbians and a "couple" it seems strange that your boyfriend wouldn't want you there.
I smell a rat I'm afraid!
Best wishes AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
two males
two females
a week away
you are not going
I'd not be happy
I would NOT in any way shape or form want my husband going away for a week with a female friend even if I knew nothing would be going on.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 September 2013):
I would say that you are not overreacting based on the little info you gave. But things like how good of friends are they, how far are they going, etc, are very relevant.
I think there are circumstances where it would be perfectly acceptable, but more often than not it wouldn't be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): My boyfriend has been on a two week holiday with his female best friend, her boyfriend and their female friend. I was ok with this. Yes I did feel a little bit left out, but I wasn't too worried about what might happen BECAUSE I had been invited as well but couldn't make it.Have you been invited? That means it's only coincidental rather than deliberate 'pairing'. If you haven't been invited why not? If you have been invited but you couldn't make it, has your boyfriend made attempts to either change the dates to when you can make it / suggested going on holiday with just the two of you when you are available?Do you live together? If you don't then he does have a 'single life' with his friends when you're not there. If you live together on the other hand, that's akin to marriage in my opinion. That's when I'd feel uneasy if he goes off on double dates with his friends without me. Separate to this, do you trust him? Simply going on what you've said, I wouldn't worry. But I would encourage you to answer the questions i've posed to help you decide if he is deliberately undermining your relationship.Good luck and I hope it works out!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Here's a passage from "The Guys' Book of Justifying Whatever we do, no matter how destructive it is to our Relationship"..... (quote):
"If you arrange a rendezvous/vacation with a mate and a couple of babes.... and you tell your "squeeze" about it, and she claims that she sees no harm in it, despite what she KNOWS is going to happen ... then YOU, Sir, may justify your fling by claiming that SHE knew about it, all along, so she WAS ACTUALLY COMPLICIT, IF NOT ACTUALLY A PARTY TO IT (your fling)!...."
That's how any red-blooded man would "see" this incident.
Are you willing to chance it?
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 September 2013):
 We need the answers to all the questions the aunts have asked to give you some advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): No! You are not wrong to feel this is inappropriate!
I can see where he's coming from that he sees nothing wrong with it, but who knows what would happen after a night out and a few drinks?
I for one would not be happy if my boyfriend told me he was going on holiday with a male friend and two female friends were tagging along.
Tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable and ask him if he would mind you going on holiday with a female friend along with two male friends?
Maybe he will say it won't bother him, but deep down he would have a nagging feeling that you would get up to something without him knowing about it.
Hope this helps!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2013):
I would not think it was OK or cool at all either. 2 guys and 2 girls going on holiday, even if they are all friends, why aren't partners invited?
I think it's a little odd.
The thing is, DO you trust him or not?
...............................
|
