A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I like my best friend, more than a friend should. But she currently has a boyfriend (over a year now).She knows I like her because I asked her to come with me to an event, then she wanted him to come cause she wanted us to make friends. I didn't want to be a third wheel, so I told her I couldn't go cause I was sick (I was actually but I would have gone before).She started to push for answers and asked right out if it was cause I liked her, so I said yes. I told her then I didn't want to be the type of guy to try to move on someone else's girl. I promised her no matter what I'd be her friend, stupid promise maybe but I still made it.Worse yet though months later my feelings have just grown stronger for her, I have tried dating other girls. Either they weren't right or I couldn't move on. Heck it was her that helped me realize my last girlfriend was wrong for me.I was all set to leave it be, I wanted her to be happy even if I don't feel he is right for her. Then she mentions that he drinks often, sometimes even drives while drunk with her in the car, I start feel angry. There was already one small 'leaving the scene' incident involving cops at his door.When she calls me and I'm out with friends or family, they start to ask why I don't date her just cause the calls can go on for some time. Most don't even know how I feel about her. The two friends that do know both think I should talk to her.The one thats a guy says I should ask myself, what would I do if she said she was going to marry him.The one thats a girl says just talk to her and don't push anything on her.But if I do something now when she has someone she is happy with, am I really being a friend? Isn't it selfish of me?Any thoughts on what a guy should do in this case?
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, has a boyfriend, move on, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): One of my favorite tv show world is Mtv's Friendzone.
I highly recommend for you to watch it because you will learn a lot from it. From real people who dares to end their friendship with their best friend and admitted that they want more.
There are couples of happy ending and some not. But the point is, you just gotta TRY to TELL THE TRUTH. otherwise you will end up wondering, what might have been.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/friendzone/series.jhtml
No guts, no glory and lastly As i always say, ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.
YOU GOTTA DO what you have to DO. Before its too late.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Look, she knows you like her yet she hasnt left her boyfriend has she? SHE IS NOT INTERESTED. End of story.
Yes he might be unsuitable, yes you think you'd be better for her - but she does not agree otherwise when she found out your feelings she'd have said "I really like you too" and would have started proceedings to end her relationship to be with you. That did not happen, so that is a crystal clear sign she doesnt ever want more than friendship from you.
Problem is that you are not her 'friend' anymore because you want more, you are not interested in friendship anymore and your feelings are just growing stronger, you want to be with her in far more than a simple 'friendly' way.
You have to be honest with her, explain that you've tried remaining friends despite your feelings but it is not working, your feelings are growing stronger so you need to end the friendship.
Unless you end the friendship you are going to be hung up on her forever, never being happy and being miserable and alone. Likelihood is that she will get married one day, maybe not to him but its not going to be you either - so she will be happy, in love and starting a family yet you will be languishing on the sidelines waiting for something that will never happen.
MOVE ON. End the friendship, spend some time alone away from girls altogether and when you finally stop thinking about her all the time and have moved on, then you can date again. And perhaps these other girls will stand a chance then because your heart is free to be with someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Yes it is selfish, but so what? This friendship is making you unhappy so you have only two choices. One is to cut her out of your life forever, no friendship, no contact, just get it over with and you will move on. The other is to see if something is there between the two of you. Normally I'd say you should pick the first one, she's not interested, etc... but I don't think I would rule out that she has feelings for you unless she's said so.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2013):
 You write & I quote:
****But if I do something now when she has someone she is happy with, am I really being a friend? Isn't it selfish of me?******
YES if you push it now you are NOT being a good friend at all. And yes, it IS selfish.
SHE KNOWS you like her. She knows you like her a lot. So in that sense the ball is in her court. If she at one point realize that her BF isn't as great as she thought he was then who knows? But if you start pursuing her, you will lose a friend and she won't necessarily start to date you.
The ONLY thing I would talk to her about is getting in the car with a drunk BF. She needs to NOT do that. If he wants to drive drunk and wrap the car around a tree, that is on him, SHE needs to start thinking and staying safe. And honestly, it makes her JUST as guilty if they hit someone. I would talk to her about that, because THAT is something a good friend would be concerned about.
Also, you made her a promise, to be her FRIEND. A FRIEND doesn't HIT on a FRIEND or try and break up a FRIEND'S relationship because HE think he is a better fit.
You already know what to do.
If it's painful to watch her be happy with someone else then slowly taper off on the being there for her 24/7, let it run it's course.
...............................
A
male
reader, asf259 +, writes (4 September 2013):
I can empathise with how you're feeling; it's quite a predicament.
Firstly, is it worth dating your best friend and thus risk spoiling that friendship should things not turn out rosy?
Secondly, she is with someone else...not the honourable thing to do in my opinion, if she is content and satisfied with that relationship.
I know some will say 'if there's no ring on her finger then she's fair game', but what if you were that other guy? You say she already knows you have feelings for her...but she has been reassured by your promise to maintain the friendship, so is letting her guard on and assuming you guys are good friends.
If you really must explore the possibility, you need to bring the topic up again and talk to her. Openly, honestly and don't make promises you know you can't keep. The onus is on her to leave the other guy.
If she is happy with the other guy, then be a good friend and back away. Take some time out and focus your attention on other things. I'm sure she's a fantastic girl, but she isn't an anomaly!
Stay strong, buddy.
...............................
|
