A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi dear cupid advisors,My bf has been pulling away from me recently, i have asked him why here is what he says:he thinks i am a nag, he is in debt, i have been telling him not to spend, save his money, cut up his cards. i have access to his account and read his bills, so i know whats comming in and going out. he says his debt isnt big, but i feel £300 worth of debt is still too much, i dont want to move or commit fully to him while he is in debt and is not in complete control of his money. he says he is and makes sure his bills are payed before spending his disposable income, he says is petrol bill varys too much to accuratly keep enough money back, and that his car breaks every now and then, when it does the bill for parts saps his resources.he says that he feels uncomfortable with my ex bf hanging around. i admit that i have called out his name during sex twice and that i sometimes accidentally refer to him as my ex. my bf thinks im still hung up on him in some subconsious way. im not. my ex is a bit of a jerk and does try to aggrivate my bf, for example, my ex silly-sprayed my bf's car and kicked off a mirror....i thought it was funny, my bf thought it was bullying and part of a threat myex bf keeps making. i tell my bf not to worry, as i know my ex wont actually hurt him unless my bf says or does something wrong. i wont let them meet either. my bf also says that i talk about my ex alot how he has more money, how we used to go on weekends away once a month and that we went on holiday for two weeks where i learnt i dont like sex i the sand. he complains that i wont have sex in the car or in the forest or anywhere kinky and that im sexually retartded with him compared to my ex, we drove past a spot and i blurted out that me andmy ex had sex in the forest there and in the car down the lane. he just went quiet and wouldnt talk to me for the rest of the evening...i meant nothing by it!another pointmy bf makes is that im too selfish, i make out that he isnt paying enough and that i take him for granted, when i feel it's the other way round. i dont like him knowing how much i earn, but i do pay my way where it feels applicable. he had a go at me for not offering to pay for part of a resteraunt bill when he hid it from me, i knew it was expensive and he payed for all of it, my friend offered to pay, but i thought my bf offered to pay for everything.my bf also moans that he has to do all the driving and that i dont drive forhim, he gets upset when i go to see my ex BF about half an hour away in the dark, my eyesight is bad and i dont feel confident to drive the full hour to see my bf. the route i drive to see my ex is one i know quite well. - bf is a little confused about this and has let off because my eyesight is bad, it still crops up from time to time though when his freind asked me to drive down and i told him i plan to drive down to see his friend.the last thing my bf moans about is that im too buddy-buddy with everyone else but him. he says he feels down because i dont make him feel like my bf anymore, just a convenience. he gets upset because ivstolen his best friend away from him, and talk and make more effort with his best friend. my bf said he would fix something on my car for me, his best friend has been teaching him how to fix little things like brakes, exhausts and odd little bits. i dont trust my bf with my car because he's in-experienced, he's done allthe work on his car and nobody elses. so i asked his friend, his friend asked me to drive down (he lives close to bf)so i said i would. i plan to soon.i do treat my bf sometimes, he says i give him great sex, i buy him the odd present and im nicer to him than any other girl he has been with has ever been, i know his ex used to beat him ( he still has the scar from when she stabbed him) he's a nice guy, and wont do much wrong by me, he keeps his willy in his pants and does not cheat or flirt with other girls. however he canot relax in social situations and cannot dance, this annoys me too!when we are together he seems happy enough and says he is, just when we are appart, he paints me out to be somekind of witch.am i a bad GF?
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best friend, debt, flirt, his ex, money, my ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 "i dont think it's that bad? if hes happy to stick with me and wont pluck up the nuts to dump me then he must find my behaviour acceptable on some sort of level?"
That's just it. You said he's pulling away. That's an indication that he's not happy. This poor guy has been beaten down on every level, and all you're doing is perpetuating it. You justify it by saying crap like what I quoted above. He needs to leave you and get some help. Do him a favor and take yourself off his accounts and leave him. Go be with your ex, that's who you want anyway.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
 "He's not a very confident person, and i am the only one he's got."
Oh shit, the guy is really fucked then... he should think about starting to date men, if he has any balls left by the time you finish with him....
Your a very cruel person.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Hard-hearted Hannah the vamp of Savannah
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (10 September 2010):
Just because he finds your behaviour acceptable doesn't mean you have to act that way.
Judging from the reactions on here I would say your behaviour is objectively bad. Even if I was going out with someone who accepted it, I would be ashamed of myself if I behaved like that.
Have some self respect and stop being so cruel and controlling. Those are not nice attributes. Your attitude, that until he breaks up with you, you will continue to behave however the hell you like, COMBINED with the facts you know about his past relationships, really sucks.
Have a look at the replies on here and ask yourself if that's really the person you want to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I am the OP
yes that sounds very much like him tish-1
this is not a troll post. i assure you.
he's told me about how his exes where, his first gf killed herself, another cheated a few times, another tried to forceably get him into drugs and the last one beat him up, was emotionally abusive and stabbed him.
i dont think it's that bad? if hes happy to stick with me and wont pluck up the nuts to dump me then he must find my behaviour acceptable on some sort of level?
he's not a very confident person, and i am the only one he's got.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Reading this post made me so angry.I think the other posters have summed it all up.You are abusing this man, albeit mentally. You are no better than his ex in that way. Not only do you try to control him but you are constantly reminding him of how much better your ex was in various ways.Perhaps you get a kick out of having all that power over him. But it is certainly not healthy, and I think it is really rather sinister behaviour. Not to mention the fact that you are still, seemingly, hung up on your ex. I don't know who broke the relationship up there. Your answer displays a very immature outlook to me, certainly where relationships are concerned. I think you enjoy having the power and control over this chap, but you are using it in a really nasty way. All the points he makes are valid but you clearly can't see it. I hope he continues pulling away from the relationship until he gets some freedom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I think you're just using him because he is vulnerable after his last relationship and you know it. You know it's his weak spot and you exploit it.I am amazed that people can be as blind to their own behaviour as the poster is here. I am not going to list everything as dirtball has done a great job, plus it will wind me up.Besides everything else, you are clearly obsessed with you ex, and seem to think it's fine to keep throwing it in your bf's face. This strikes me as very immature, just like the driving thing, and a number of other points.You need to take a long hard look at yourself. You are, deliberately it seems, cruel and heartless, and also hurtful. I can't believe your bf has stuck around for so long.In answer you your question: your bf is correct on every single point he makes. And yes you are a bad girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 September 2010):
 This sounds remarkably like the other half of this story: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-think-its-worth-breaking-up-over.html
You know, maybe the timing is off, as well as the compability. She's got that ex lurking that she uses as some sort of goad, she looks over his finances and his bills and bank statements like she's his wife or accountant, and she's neither, and he feels unhappy and uncomfortable.
I think it's time for a break. See other people, maybe each person saves up some money and lives to a budget. See how that goes.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Please aunts don't get upset.. this is purely a entertaining post to make our day.. this woman can't be for real.
" i knew it was expensive and he payed for all of it, my friend offered to pay, but i thought my bf offered to pay for everything."
No decent person would let person in debt do such a thing, especially when they got money in the bank.. Relax, this person is kidding.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
"i blurted out that me andmy ex had sex in the forest there and in the car down the lane. he just went quiet and wouldnt talk to me for the rest of the evening...i meant nothing by it!"
Are you a troll? Is this a joke post?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 September 2010):
Maybe forgo the glass altogether
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 September 2010):
Naw, no ice pack or pick, this one calls for a huge tumbler of scotch.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
Ice pack, ha! I was thinking an ice pick to the temple might help make my head feel better after this one.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
Yes you are. You're being quite horrible to him. The constant comparison to your ex is one of the absolute worst things you can do in a relationship. Hell, it sounds to me that you'd rather be with the ex anyway.
1) Your ex kicking off his car mirror is not funny. That is criminal destruction of property and is very threatening behavior. The fact that you thought it was funny and not abhorrent is more proof of where your heart lies.
2) You want control over his finances but don't give him any access to yours. So, in other words, what he earns is "ours" but what you earn is yours. I don't see any equality there. His debt is very small, and if he pays his bills then it's not a problem.
3) You drive to see your ex but not your BF. More proof that you don't really want to be with your BF.
4) You talk about your sexual exploits with your ex, hang them over your BF's head, but then won't do them with him. What a dirty mind game. Volunteering information that you know bothers him is a huge sign of disrespect. I don't hit women, but I wanted to slap you when I read this: "we drove past a spot and i blurted out that me andmy ex had sex in the forest there and in the car down the lane." If you had been in the car with me I would seriously be considering pulling over and kicking your ass out of the car.
I could list more but I think you get the point. If you were my GF, I would never have tolerated this crap. The minute your ex did something to my car, and you thought it was funny, we would have been over and I would have filed a police report. You're abusing the fact that he had a traumatic previous relationship and think that just because you don't physically abuse him, you can do whatever you want to torture him. What you're doing is almost worse.
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