A
female
age
41-50,
*assychelle
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for the 6 months and in the past month he has pretty much lost all interest in me sexually. He will cuddle with me on the couch and will kiss me (peck) goodbye but that is about it. He makes comments about having sex with and will playfully touch me in a sexual manner but never follows through. A brief background on his history....he was molested as a child. Never has sought therapy and won't. In January of this year he cheated on me. He has episodes in the past where he has contacted both men and women on Craigslist for a random hookup. I know....that's a lot to take in. All of this while he swears he is in love with me and refuses to let me end our relationship because he loves me and wants me. This morning we attempted to have sex, this time like past 3-4 times he won't kiss me, there is no foreplay but today there was no passion. He wasn't into it all. I finally stopped before he was finished and he was content to stop and do nothing. Our previous sex life was full of passion and we didn't go a day without it. He was full of kisses and I love yous....now he is completely disconnected. I know he isn't cheating or at least having an on going affair because he is home too much. But I don't know what it could be. Not to sound snotty but I know I'm pretty. I'm prettier than any gf he has ever had and his attempts of random hook ups have been with some sleazy, unattractive, and over weight girls. The girl he did sleep with is not attractive at all. Help!!! Any answers would be helpful. Is he struggling with his sexuality? Does he like boys? Girls? Is he not in love with me? Not find me attractive? If so then why won't he let me go?
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, foreplay, I love you, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): I went through the same thing with my boyfriend and I relate to you and know how much you are hurting. Like you, I caught him cheating and he rejected me sexually- yet wanted to stay together. This is my advise to you: sit down and really have a heart to heart. Let him know that the rejection is affecting your self worth and making you question the future of the relationship. Tell him what his cheating has done to you. He may not be facing how much this is hurting you because it would force him to take accountability for what he has done. Suggest therapy. He may resist but I don't know this is something you two can fix alone. See if he is open for individual therapy or couple's therapy. If he doesn't want to go, insist that he try it briefly. I think the easy answer is to walk away, but I know that is hard to do. Maybe if you can make the attempt of talking to him and going to therapy- you will feel at peace that you truly tried everything you could to save the relationship. He may love you, or he may not. I don't know. But I can tell you love him and that you probably will not find peace in deciding to leave until you know you did everything you could. That being said- do not wait. This will not resolve on its own with time and it requires some serious and immediate action.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 There was no "hate" in my submittals.... I tried, only, to get you to see how your's and his behaviour looks "from the outside, looking in."
Refer back to CVS's submittal..... She told you, quite forthrightly, that your B/F's words are strictly (and ONLY) Bul--hit if he doesn't back them with actions.... My take on that (his words versus his actions) is that it reveals a co-dependency that makes both of you "comfortable"..... and is keeping you from taking an appropriate path in dealing with your peculiar circumstances....
As always...Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Sassychelle +, writes (20 March 2013):
Sassychelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUm not exactly. I have not blackmailed him or begged him to ever stay so I don't appreciate you stating as such. As far as being co-dependent I am not. I am content to be alone but am not sure at this point if this relationship can be salvaged or if it should. As far as acting like a couple I am not sure as to what you mean by that other than his lack of respect for me or our relationship. I am not clear as how I am resistant to improvement when I have done everything I know to do to help our relationship. I haven't ended it a 2nd time because I am not willing at this point to let it go. I receive mixed messages his words vs his actions. I want to believe him. It is hard not to when you love someone and because I would never do the things he has done makes it hard for me to accept that someone would do those to me. Thank you for feedback however hateful it was.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
P.P.S. The behaviour that you describe.... I would call it "Two-way blackmail".... .wherein you each tell the other how catastrophic it would/will be when you finally decide to go on your separate ways....
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
OP: Your additional submittal made it perfectly clear that you and B/F are mutually co-dependent.... and that you (both) are willing to stay in this downward spiral until something (who knows what?) happens that FORCES the two of you to grow up and act like responsible individuals.
P.S. You and he will NEVER act like a "couple" from what I can "see" in your two submittals...
Good luck.... as you have clearly indicated that you (both) are prepared to resist improvement in your relationship......
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Crying begging and pleading and promises… EMPTY WORDS… if he really means it tell he will have the chance to prove it once you move out and then he can woo you like a new girlfriend.
He’s emotionally manipulating you because you are so torn.. is being in this bad relationship better than being alone????
Are you in love with HIM or the man you want him to be? Do you have faith in HIM as he is (abusive, lying, cheating) or the man you WANT him to be?
DO you want any children that see this to think this is how you treat a partner you love? (this is what your children will learn is acceptable if you stay with him).
His mindset is this: I want to lie to her, I want to cheat on her, I want it all. I know I’m wrong and when she gets mad I’ll beg, I’ll plead, I’ll cry, I’ll make promises I have no intentions of keeping. She’s such a sap she’ll believe me and I’ll buy myself more time to get her more deeply entrenched with me and make it harder and harder for her to leave me as I wear away any self esteem she has and make her emotionally more and more dependent on me. She’s such an easy mark.
For me what attracted me to my husband at first.. HIS BRAIN. He’s rather odd looking. And honey I’m so old I’m only 3 years younger than his mommy and yet he loves me… it’s NOT ABOUT LOOKS…. That’s shallow and it passes with time.
I can see you won’t leave him any time soon and you will continue to forgive him over and over till you no longer can stand it.
You ask why won’t he let me go? He wont’ let you go because YOU WON’T LEAVE.
When he gives you HIV will you leave then?
...............................
A
female
reader, Sassychelle +, writes (20 March 2013):
Sassychelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know being in a relationship with him is probably not in my best interest if I want a healthy one. However, when I say he won't let me leave it is based on his crying, begging and pleading that he loves me, he won't fail me again, etc....there are days in which he is extremely loving and the perfect man as he was when I met him but there are others in which he is very cold, cruel and distant for no reason at all. He will not discuss his issues with sex with me. If I find an email from CL or a photo he took of himself to send to a CL buddy then I am in the wrong for snooping and "picking at the scab until it bleeds." Where I am confused is how can a person that begs someone to stay because they swear they love them and want to marry them then turn around and not want to be with them sexually. It has gone from one extreme to another. Yes he has lied. Yes he has cheated and yes I probably do deserve better but I believe in him as a person. I know he has a good heart and I want him to be happy and healthy whether that is with me or not. I know now what he means when he used to tell me that I made him want to be a better man. I have made him face some secrets and be honest about things that he wouldn't even be honest with himself about. It is hard to walk away from someone that I love so much. I know I can't fix him or this relationship by myself. I am not ignorant. I am just trying to understand where his mind set is. When I did leave a month ago, both of us were a mess literally and it didn't last a week. I don't know if he is forcing himself to stay with me or not. Contrary to a statement about love, he may not love in the way that he should but I do think he cares about me. Maybe I am stupid to think so but we all make mistakes and because someone makes a mistake does that mean they don't love you? I know y'all probably think I am stupid but I am honestly trying to figure out what to do. As far being pretty goes, yes I am also aware that relationships require other stimulation. We do not have issues there. We never lack conversation or the ability to have fun together. He tells how he loves my caring personality, how much he loves spending time with me,etc...The only reason I mentioned physical beauty is because of the random people he has attempted to hook up with are not attractive. In the least bit. If I could show photos I would. To me I would think that in order to hook up with someone you'd have to be attracted to them but maybe it is different for men. At times I have felt he maybe a sex addict based on the few times he was really intoxicated and contacted what seemed to be alive for sex from 9pm till 5am that just doesn't seem normal. Thank you to those who have replied and have been nice. I appreciate it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
I would boil your whole submittal to these basics:
1. You and he live at the same address, but are not married.... (no committment),
2. He is a cheater....
3. YOU recognize that things are not "right" between you... AND they've deteriorated....
4. He chooses to not acknowledge that things are "not right" between the two of you... OR that he may be contributing to the "not rightness"...
The only solution, as I see it, is for you and him to part ways....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
Ok I’m reading this and these are the things that stick out
“won’t seek therapy” I allowed my last marriage to end because he would not seek therapy. IF I was dating now (I’m remarried) my new rule would be that I would not date a man who would not consider therapy (for any reason). Therapy is not saying you are broken… rather it’s saying you want to be healthy and not broken.
“cheated in January of this year” not sure if the craig’s list hookups are while you have been with him or not but the fact that he cheated on you in January and has a history of random hook-ups with men and women does not bode well for your relationship. He cheated on you. That means he lied too right? So we know he’s capable of random hook ups with anything that walks and he’s capable of lying and cheating.
“refuses to let me end our relationship” ELABORATE for me on how HE refuses to let you end it. IF you wanted to end it you would. You would say “it’s over, you lied, you cheated, you don’t have sex with me, I don’t care what you say YOUR ACTIONS say more” and you would LEAVE…. He can’t refuse to let you end it unless he’s holding you prisoner in a box under his bed and never lets you see the light of day alone. YOU stay because you CHOOSE to stay… do not blame the lack of ending of the relationship on his refusal to let you end it… that’s a cop out.
“he wont’ kiss me” DEAL BREAKER in my book… I’d rather kiss than have sex.
“there is no foreplay” so he’s selfish too? Your needs don’t matter?
You do realize that being pretty is not the key here… adults may start off with a physical attraction but what keeps them in the relationship is the internal stuff.
He’s not struggling with anything… YOU are… you know you need to get out and get going and yet you stay hoping that doing the same thing over and over will yield different results.
Is he struggling with his sexuality… I doubt it.. he’s bisexual (I am too) and he’s just not committed to you or your relationship enough to forsake all others.
Does he like boys yes
Does he like girls yes
Is he NOT in love with me…YES he is NOT in love with you nor does he respect you
It’s easier to stay when you live together rather than break up a home… find a new roommate…etc…
You don’t have to care if he will let you go or not… BE an adult and LEAVE.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 March 2013):
 Honestly, I would consider moving out.
1. You know for a fact that he cheated on you in January and he is looking on CL for random hook ups - that means he isn't invested in the relationship anymore, he is looking for greener grass or in his case cheap thrills.
2. WHY he is sabotaging himself AND the relationship MIGHT stem from his childhood abuse, but since he won't seek help for it, I don't see how this will change AT ALL. He might get better at hiding it, he might get better at lying all the while he puts YOU at risk for STD's (because let's face it - random CL hook ups is NOT about safe sex ).
3. Could be that he ALWAYS did this while you were dating too, but now that you live together he can't really hide it. Also now that you are living together, maybe he think you will stick around no matter what. (Kind of "stuck with him" thing).
Could be that he doesn't think he deserve you and that is why he is constantly sabotaging the relationship. (and honestly I don't think he does).
Does he love you? Maybe, in his own twisted way. But he really doesn't respect the relationship or you. YOUR view of what love is and how to have a good relationship doesn't MATCH what he thinks of the same.
You said he won't let you end the relationship. WHY does he get to have that say? If he won't stop, won't get help how do you think this relationship will go long term? Loving him isn't going to fix whatever underlying problems he has.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 I think you are not seeing the forest for the trees. He cheated on you in January, and he has an history of attempting ( or concluding ? ) Craigslist hookups with both sexes. That's a lot to take in.
And why are you taking it in ?
You asked if he is in love with you ? Obviously not - or by any chance do you think that setting up sexual hook ups is a big sign of being in love ?? Perhaps one can be in love and still yield to sexual temptation if it's thrown in his way ( I don't know , a crazy stripper that won't take no for an answer ... ) , but actually sitting at his PC and casting bait ? " what's love got to do with it " would say Tina.
Reason for which, my opinion is that you don't have a sex problem per se , you have a love and relationship problem.
If it is true love and committment that you want , I am afraid that you are with the wrong person, and focusing on the sex part won't solve anything. The sexual disinterest is just a symptom of a bigger disfunction in the r/ship.
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Simple. This guy has past issues.He's too scared to deal with it and he lacks guts to cut things off with you, to deal with them properly, so he keeps you around as a result.
...............................
|
