A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short: my boyfriend regularly contacts his suicidal ex-girlfriend to make sure she is not going to kill herself and he lied to me about this contact for a long time because he didn't think I would understand and it hurts him to talk about. We were in a long distance relationship for awhile, and when he was living in another state I found out that he had seen his ex to bring her flowers and medicine when she was sick. I confronted him about it and was upset, which was a mistake on my part because it made him never want to be honest about his contact with her because he was scared of how I would react. He said she told him she was still in love with him, and he told her they shouldn't talk anymore. A couple of months later I found all these posts on her facebook talking about them hanging out together. I confronted him about it and he said she was just crazy and made it all up, either to make me mad or to make another guy jealous. I found this hard to believe, but some girls really are crazy so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but it really made me question my trust, and I somehow knew in the back of my head that he still had some sort of contact with her. Recently my boyfriend moved to my town so now we don't have to be in a long distance relationship any longer, and he's not in the same city as this ex. Things are great and we are really happy, but this whole situation is still a problem. I found out that he and this girl talk on the phone every few days. I asked him about it and told him it concerned me not because he talked to her, but that he never mentioned it to me or called me in front of her. This is when he came out with the fact that she was suicidal and that the only reason they are still in contact is that he has to make sure she doesn't kill herself and he is the only one who can stop it. He was in tears telling me this, and I know it is a sincere concern of his. He admitted that he had seen her when he was in the other state, all for this same reason. He assures me that he only cares for her as a person because he wouldn't want anyone to harm themselves. He says the fact that she is an ex doesn't really matter because they dated like 5 years ago when they were 15 and they were just children. He says he actually can't stand her, and that I shouldn't be threatened by her. I understand that he does not want her to kill herself, and I certainly do not want anyone to be harmed, but it is not his responsibility to take care of her. I know he loves and cares about me a lot and wants to be with me, but it really hurt the trust in our relationship because he lied to me about this whole situation and I had to go about figuring things out in a dishonest way in order to get him to tell me what was going on. Now he is upset that I didn't trust him and I am upset that he lied. He says it is getting better and that he hasn't contacted her in a long time because he is confident she won't hurt herself. I know they do talk less, but he does still contact her every once in awhile. We love each other so much and want to be together, but I just do not know how to handle this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): person12345 is correct OP. This is one big crock of shit, either that or your boyfriend is a complete tool.
Your boyfriend is either a pussy or a liar OP. Because only a pussy would let himself be emotionally blackmailed like that. Either that or he's using excuses and lying to you about her, because he's far too emotionally attached to this woman and he makes a hell of a lot of excuses to talk to her and tries to keep it as much of a secret as possible from you.
He can't even stand her, is a lie, he'd have nothing to do with her then OP, her killing herself would not phase him in the slightest.
I have never once bought that whole "I knew how you'd react so I didn't tell you" bullshit either OP. Or the whole "I felt I had to hide it because I didn't want to upset you" never have I let something like that slide. That is not a reason, it's an excuse, a pointless deflection to mask true intent. If a girl I was with went behind my back with an ex then she's gone. I don't accept cloak and dagger stuff when it comes to my girlfriends exes, never. I don't find anything acceptable about your boyfriends behaviour at all. He's going behind your back and instead of being open and honest, it's lie after lie after lie. He's full of excuses and he even turned on the tears and all, what a weasel. Oh poor baby are you upset?
He has no reason to be upset, so again he is using another ploy, deflection. He's actually turning this back on you.
His whole behaviour is not only suspicious but it's actually taking a pattern I've seen lots of times before, not only in my friends relationships but I've been here a while OP, I've seen this pattern before in people that have come here who's partners are cheating on them. The pattern is always the same too, humans think they're individuals but they're not.
First off they're hiding this contact and they always keep it hidden, want to know why? Because they're liars and if they let you get any way friendly with or let you into their little world you'll find out the truth, so he'll never be open about this.
Second is the excuses, they always try at the start to make it sound like they're doing it for you. In your case it was "you wouldn't understand". You see this is a classic method of keeping it secret and stopping you from prying further.
The next and best way to keep you from asking questions then is to pull the 'it hurts me to talk about it' card out of their ass. Again it's so they can maintain the secret and make you feel to guilty to pry any further but you know what's funny, them being so hurt is actually a major red flag to an intelligent person because it means they're far too emotionally attached and possibly still in love with their ex.
"confronted him about it and was upset, which was a mistake on my part because it made him never want to be honest about his contact with her" See how well it worked on you? You fell for that hook, line and sinker, because that's a crock of shit isn't it? He's too afraid to be honest? Fuck off, he's a weasel who just manipulated you into feeling guilty when he's the one in the wrong.
The next trick then when the deflection of the blame and guilt onto you wares off is always to start blaming her. In your case this was "she's crazy and made it all up." Biggest load of bullshit OP, if that's the case then why is he even talking to this supposedly crazy, lying bitch? Again the purpose of this is like all the other tricks above, it's a manipulation so he can hide his true intent. You see OP he has not taken any responsibility for doing anything wrong, it's either you don't understand, she's the one doing all this, or you're a bitch for making him talk about something that hurts. You starting to see how this works OP? The truth is in details. You can't mask a pattern of long term behaviour OP, we all show our true selves in that way.
Now when your perfectly understandable suspicions grow and the last ploy to make you let this go starts to fade. Then he pulls the lowest of the low, he uses the tears ploy, he actually starts crying and says she's suicidal. I mean that is the lowest because suicide is such a profound thing it's not something you can question, it's not something you will ever be able to confirm or prove that it wasn't the case. It's the ultimate deflection and it worked a treat on you.
"He admitted that he had seen her when he was in the other state, all for this same reason." Oh really, how fucking convenient that is. I love this guy because he's now taken the next step. which is the half-truths. You see no-one not even you are stupid enough to let this kind of thing slide so he starts to tell you little half-truths to make it seem like he's being open and honest with. It works a treat too, because again you bought this. This guy has you wrapped around his little finger. But he keeps getting caught in the details OP, you're missing all this. He says he cares for her as a person, yet then turns around and says he can't stand her. How the hell does that work?
You see he's starting to slip up OP a bit there OP, but you're too emotionally invested to see that. That is the next step though, the trick here is to start convincing your partner you feel nothing, to slowly separate your partner from the situation by convincing them you feel nothing. She isn't a threat. But you've made it clear from the start you feel she's a threat so she is in fact a threat and has been all along.
And the second last trick and again it's worked a charm on you is to be upset with you, to make you feel like you're in the wrong for not trusting him when he has done nothing abuse your trust from the very start. The guy is a fuckwad.
"I had to go about figuring things out in a dishonest way" No you didn't, what the fuck are you on about?
Now he's on to one of the final stages, which is to hide this contact even more. Perhaps the ex just isn't that interested in him any more or their relationship is fizzling out or perhaps he's just decided to hide it better.
None of what your boyfriend has done means you can trust him. You can't. He's been an emotionally manipulative weasel all the way through and he's had you blaming yourself for the most part, blaming her at other times and made himself look like a knight in shining armour. Person12345 is completely wrong when she said there is something odd about this situation it is as clear as day isn't?
Your boyfriend is a guy who will sneak behind your back to be with another women, he's lying manipulator who will even go as low as to cry and use suicide as an excuse. Worst of all though he has never taken any responsibility for doing anything wrong, everyone else is to blame and he's the great guy here. The guy is a deluded narcissist. You really have a great catch there.
If you've actually made it through my long post to this point then the only advice I can give you is you need to sit down and seriously examine this relationship with your head and not your heart. There is probably far more to this that you couldn't write down here. Put it all together and look at the big picture, think of all other little menial things he's lies and makes excuses for, I bet there's far more little things like this you can pick out to build a bigger picture of this guy.
You've let a hell of a lot slide OP, piece by piece it seems insignificant but you've been ignoring the bigger picture. Do something about this OP, stop letting him lie to you, stop letting him weasel out of things. Good luck OP, this guy is not what you think he is and it's going to take you a long time to figure that out on your own with your feelings as strong as they are.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2012):
 If she was indeed suicidal, and it was an uncomfortable mercy mission for him, why would he lie to you? That is what would upset me the most. The second thing is that he still contacts her and keeps her in his life to some capacity.
I'm with person....I don't buy it. I also have a unique life experience with an ex-boyfriend who was genuinely suicidal and came to see me at work unannounced while I was heading to lunch and invited himself along without my consent.
I ate lunch with him because he said he was also feeling suicidal. You know what I did afterwards? I told my fiance about it immediately afterwards, and I contacted both my ex's parents plus his minister about the conversation. I was IMMEDIATELY honest about every detail with all of them. Funny thing, at the end of the lunch, my ex tried to convince me to sleep with him, stating that he was much better in bed than the guy I was with now. That's when I impolitely cut him off, told him that he needed to talk to other family and friends, but that I wasn't the one to talk to. I must add that I had not been in contact with him, but I was still working at the same place I had when we had been dating, which was how he knew to find me.
That was the last time I saw him. Six months later, he did in fact commit suicide. I have felt terrible to this day that it happened, but I never felt responsible for his decisions. I told everyone who needed to be told, but the bottom line was that I was profusely and excessively honest with my fiance about it, and I let him ask every question he needed and let him take as long as he needed to to sort out how he felt about it. Nothing was more important than my fiance's trust in me, and any concern was valid.
This guy is lying to you. I don't buy his story, and he's still attached to the ex. She has other people to talk to, and he's not her only savior. He needs to make the break from her permanently, or you walk away from him. He has destroyed your trust, and this is nothing to be brushed aside.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 January 2012):
 To be honest, her being suicidal sounds a bit too "convenient." I don't buy it. If she was really in such danger of killing herself and he was really so concerned about it, he would alert her parents or closer friends to take care of her. Him talking to her on the phone every few days can't possibly be of help. If he wanted to help, he would wean off contact with her slowly, not make a huge effort to stay in her life. Other than your boyfriend saying so, what evidence is there that she's not just trying to get him back while he enjoys the attention? A lot of guys will use the "oh she is/was crazy" card to get out of ANY bad behavior with an ex. With the number of women who've been dismissed as a threat by being called crazy, the majority of women would have to be totally nuts. There's something odd about this situation.
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