A
female
age
30-35,
*omolovescookies
writes:HelloFor about a year now me and my boyfriend have talked about the idea of having another girl in our relationship. Mostly in a sexual way, but not purely just that... we actually want a 3 way relationship. Anyway, so we talk about this A LOT, and thinking back, I'm pretty sure that it was me that initiated the idea, but he seemed pretty ok and even excited i thought. ok so thats background infoI started talking to a girl as a friend and well... to be honest she was just hot (yes I'm bi if that wasnt obvious lol) So I talked to her and eventually I explained the situation to her and she was really awesome about it lol. At first she freaked out... then she gave it thought... and she agreed to try it. OK.... so.... here's the issue, he wont even TALK to her?? We almost got into an argument over it, I'm so confused. I thought he wanted to do this x.xI'm not even sure what my question is... but I know I have one lol... what do you guys think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (19 January 2012):
Domolovescookies is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey guys ^^ thanks for all the advice
@person12345 thanks for your opinion, but you're wrong, and im very happy that i know that 100%
I think YouWish hit the nail on the head same with shrodingerscat ... thinking back on it all, I was the main one pushing for an emotional side (not because i want to cheat lol, I just have a big thing against casual sex with no attachments) and I think he probably was focused more on the idea of a threesome, friend-with-benefits sort of thing.
Now I'm faced with another problem... I've brought this girl into a situation that I didnt even completely understand x.x and now I have to somehow get her out of it.
random addition: when i asked why not talk to her, he said he wasnt good at talking to girls? ... now i just so happen to know he was quite fine at talking to me XDD whats up with that?
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (19 January 2012):
 I'm familiar with triad relationships because I am in one presently. I have both a husband and a girlfriend. It is a very healthy situation where all three of us are in constant contact and communication.
The problem could be many things. The thing is, when you have a couple, you have two people's issues and problems, but once you add a third person into the mix, you now have your own problems, your partner's problems, and NOW...the new person's problems as well.
I'm only assuming here, because in all reality you did not give us very much information...but it seems like he is simply not ready to take this last step into a poly relationship. It could be from a variety of different reasons, either he feels left out that he did not get a say in picking the girl, or he doesn't like or know the girl you chose well enough to be comfortable.
I suggest you speak to him and ask him WHY he won't talk to her. And REALLY...--TALK--...to him. About the entire situation. What he would want, what you want, what you two can agree and compromise on. What you both DON'T want.
The thing is, these situations...these relationships...cannot just be jumped into without forethought and planning. Three people in a relationship, when it works well, it can be amazing. But it also leads into many MORE issues than just a two-person relationship. You have to have excellent communication skills, incredible patience and the ability to put not one but TWO people before yourself in terms of taking care of their wants and needs. If you two can't even talk about why he won't speak to this girl, then you two are NOT READY for a poly relationship, period.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 January 2012):
 It sounds like you just want an excuse to cheat, in which case no wonder he's not exactly thrilled at the idea. If you want to pursue this woman, you need to break up with your boyfriend first. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you have a threesome without both of you being 100% totally and completely on board, it will most likely spell the end of your relationship. So you need to decide what's more important, your boyfriend or being with this other woman.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2012):
 WOW!! I have never heard of a three way being initiated under this dynamic before (i.e. you starting it because you're bisexual).
Get this -- you are being confronted by very different motives for the threesome. He's intrigued by the sexual fantasy portrayed in porn, and you're wanting the emotional/sensual aspect of being with a woman.
From his perspective, of course he doesn't want to talk to her. He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want emotions. He views her as an animated sex toy for the two of YOU to spice up YOUR relationship. He wants fantasy sex play, not for you to develop romantic feelings towards someone else. In fact, a lot of times, emotional attachment towards the third party often is out of bounds for most agreed-upon threesomes.
You are the one who wants the relationship, and this is where the danger of your relationship with this guy you're with is apparent. If you develop feelings toward her, you will have a hard time having them for your boyfriend. Bi-sexual means that you are physically attracted to both genders. It doesn't mean you're able to easily juggle two deep and meaningful relationships that are non-Platonic. You'll gravitate towards this woman and the idea of a clandestine two-some with this woman will become a temptation you won't be able to resist.
I think if you are interested in this other woman, you should break up with your boyfriend to pursue her. A threesome will be more damaging than fun, and while most of the time in a conventional threesome many women are ultimately devastated from the emotional backlash, in this case, your boyfriend is the one to ultimately lose here, because what you really want is not a threesome, but a sanctioned two-way relationship with this woman while still keeping a relationship with your boyfriend. You feel that the solution is to make it a threesome, satisfying your boyfriend's fantasy as the moral justification.
I'm not judging you. I'm actually really fascinated by the whole dynamic here! Reminds me of this old comedy called "The Sex Monster" where this husband pressures his wife to have a threesome, and when she finally relents, she realizes that she loves women far more than men. The guy, initially ecstatic that his wife is enthusiastic, eventually becomes distraught and insecure that she's become so much more into the woman than him.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (19 January 2012):
Find someone else or ask him if the three-way is what he really wants.
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