A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles Bf and me have an ok sex life... he gets it anytime he wants, but since he works so many hours I do not initiate(I pounce on his days off) and let him rest during the work days.i never cum unless I touch myself, but he has never made me cum with only his fingers, tongue, or penis. Somehow I am involved rubbing my clit or using a vibrator.It had been a couple of weeks since I last orgasmed even though we had sex. So tonight he is sleeping next to me and feeling his naked body against mine got me a little bit excited. Since I knew he had to wake at 7 to work and since I do not cum with him often, I started to play with myself instead of bothering him.I came and he woke up, he got extremely upset an d was shocked at how disrespectful I was being, and how could I have done something like this. He said he felt inadequate, and rose from bed, slammed the doors and threw a fit. I started to cry and feel like I was the worst gf in the world.on all honesty, with another bf I had before, also caught me touching myself,but he was very turned on by my sexuality and naughtiness and it turned into something hot for both of us...My current bf in contrast is hurt by what I did. Saying that he gave up masturbation(his choice) and hasn't masturbated in a month. Though we have sex regularly and he gets satified so he does not need to masturbate ....Any how. .. I did not do it because he was inadequate. I have accepted that he can't make me cum (lacks patience)but I still enjoy our sex life and never make him feel bad and always praise him. I just did not want to bother him...He is sstill hurt qnd offended. .. I won't do it ever again... but what can I do???am I a horrible gf?Ps. He watches porn and masturbates frequently when I am not home, I am not bothered by this and h3 knows I do not mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): Honestly, I think this happening and his getting upset over it is a symptom of problems elsewhere.
IF you were regularly able to come through sex with him- would you still have been playing without him?
IF he were not working so many long hours... same question?
IF you were also working, and so felt equal in contributions towards your living arrangements- would you feel less 'inadequate'?
It strikes me that if your shared sex life were working/ there was more effort and communication put into this, and if you were also working and contributing, this minor incident would not seem like such a concern/ issue to either of you.
It is only because you both know about the underlying problems that you are both so worried about it... and I think THAT is what you both need to work on, rather than worrying about this minor incident, which honestly doesn't matter at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): DVI, did we read the same post? The OP gives him sex whenever he wants it and then throws a fit, even leaving the room because he caught her masturbating next to him.He felt inadequate because she had to please herself. So if she pleased herself in the next room she wouldn't have been selfish? It would've been more tasteful, but I bet his ego would've been hurt the same if he found out. He watches porn, which probably means he masturbates. Should the OP not feel offended and inadequate? It would've been fine if he caught her, expressed disapproval, and talked about it. What's unacceptable is that he got angry over it like a petulant child. I wouldn't call him manipulative - asides for him making her feel guilty over her actions - but he is immature.
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reader, DV1 +, writes (22 June 2013):
 I don't think that it's being manipulative. He was left out, and she wasn't willing to show him what she needed to be satisfied. She did it right next to him, and was being selfish. Any guy in their right mind would have been a little offended. If you want to call that manipulative, you're wrong. It's a major communication issue, not to mention an issue of someone being extremely selfish. Stop ganging up on the guy, damn... So quick to judge men innappropriately...
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Loool he needs to take a chill pill n embrace that s#it ;)
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reader, Abella +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Most of all for your health you need support and I am glad that you have reached out to DearCupid. There is some good advice herein. Please read it and read it again. People care about you getting support.
But do not put up with his manipulation and his abusive attitude.
You have received a lot of answers so people in the DearCupid community really care about your situation.
how much he needs to seek some counselling but he does.
He seriously needs AngerManagement help
He probably needs Erectile Dysfuntion support from a Doctor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): Who cares if he works 24 hours a day? So YOUR needs don't matter do they? You did a natural thing in response to your body's natural urges- he freaks because this is all getting too adult for him; he just can't face the fact that he's not MAN enough to satisfy the most basic primitive desire in a relationship. Like someone said he's using reverse psychology to make you feel guilty; by getting angry it covers up the shame and embarrassment he feels that you're capable of giving yourself what he can't (well, won't make the effort to) He's definitely using the whole "I slave so hard, you don't have a job" thing to compensate for the fact that he's a half ^^^ed excuse for a man (lol) - - to sum up he's immature, CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE- like everyone's said- look at how many people have replied saying the same thing. It's all true and you need feel NO shame for anything, you need this drummed into you! :) Find someone that is going to give you the care and love you deserve ;) Xx
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reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (21 June 2013):
OP, you are going through a lot at the moment. Unemployment + a boyfriend who looks down at you because you haven't found a job yet. Him not making you cum is only a symptom of the underlying problems you two have. Libido is the first to go out the window when you're anxious.- I am currently unemployed and he pays the house bills. I sometimes help with groceries.- He says he wants us to be partners, but he does not see me taking the household duties as an equal contribution. He sees it more like me helping while I look for a job.What sort of future do you see for yourself in regards to your boyfriend OP? Do you see yourself getting married, having babies and living happily ever after? Do you think he sees the same future? The reason I ask is because if you are going to end up as man and wife, your vows 'for better or for worse' don't come into effect only after you've said the words. That sort of action starts now. The wedding ceremony is only to celebrate with family and friends and for legal purposes but otherwise you start being there for each other now.If he holds a grudge that you haven't found your feet yet, and treats you badly because of it, what does that say about his commitment to you and his willingness to be with you for better or for worse?Not marriage material? But not every relationship has to lead to a lifetime commitment you might say. And I agree. People can have short term relationships with someone who is supportive, encouraging, respectful and loving just because that person makes them happy. And that's perfectly fine. But in your case, he's not displaying the qualities of a reliable, supportive potential husband material. He's not even displaying good short term boyfriend material traits. He's not even giving you good sex, so you can't say your benefit from this relationship is the sex.My question is - what do you feel you're getting from this relationship? Financial security while you look for a job? Is that what's trapping you in this relationship?Do you have family that you can move in with while you get on your feet so that you're not dependent on him? The financial security is coming at the expense of your sanity. You keep referring to how you've failed at this that or the other - those feelings are not going to change while you remain in this situation. How can you turn up to a job interview and confidently tell employers that you are a capable young woman when everyday at home you are getting this reinforcement that you are a failure from the way your boyfriend treats you? If you live with family, you won't feel like you owe them, because they don't keep a record of how much they've helped you. They help you out of kindness, in the same way you would help them. It would be much easier for you to blossom in that environment.- He says he used to make his ex cum in 10 minutes, and so I feel inadequate.And he's telling you this because?! Is it to soothe his bruised ego? To prove that it's your fault not his that you're not cumming? To give you encouragement that every other woman can do it? Whatever his 'reasoning' is - he is cruel, manipulative and insensitive. With this kind of approach, I struggle to picture him as a good person to have in your life - let alone as a boyfriend.- I know that I am acting stupid, somehow I feel that I should be less bothersome.You are not acting stupid. You're in a tight spot financially and you feel like he's helping you out. But that help is underhanded and comes with a high emotional price to pay. You don't have to keep smiling and pretend all is well in the name of gratitude. Start making practical plans to leave him. If you've only been applying to jobs that interest you, be less selective. Literally go for anything that will liberate you from this emotional hell hole and help you be independent. If you've only been applying to local jobs, widen your search.- He also said he feels like a failure because he feels he makes m3 unhappy and that he thought I wouldn't put up with his bs and would make him grow as a man.Ok, so he knows that he treats you badly. And he was hoping that YOU would take on the responsibility of bringing him in line and making him a better person?! He wanted YOU to MAKE HIM A MAN? Wow I don't know where he gets off but this is unbelievable! You do not have to put up with this, you really don't.I'll leave you with three things to consider;1. What positive impact does he actually have in your life? 2. Who can you turn to for help to get out of this tight spot?3. What practical steps can you take to help yourself get a job?Everyone here has said you deserve better. You know you do or you wouldn't be here asking for help. You've taken the first step by asking us for advice. Now take the next step and ask your family and friends to help you exit this unfortunate situation.I wish you well x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Ugh, the more you talk about this OP the more it makes me sick. Obviously I don't know your boyfriend or how hard he works, but he sounds entitled.
I work hard = I get what I want from my girlfriend because I work so hard and deserve to be rewarded when I get home.
I see a control freak and a child.
If you guys can't communicate with each other and work things out so everyone is content, I advise you to toughen up and break up with him.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (21 June 2013):
 That's really, really ridiculous. So he can't make you orgasm, but expects you not to do it yourself? He can't demand you not have orgasms to spare his ego. That's just a ridiculous request. On top of that, he's an enormous hypocrite! It's OK for him to masturbate to porn regularly, but you aren't allowed to masturbate PERIOD, even after weeks of deprivation? Unless you had some kind of discussion where you talked about this, where he wouldn't masturbate unless you didn't either, that's a moot point if over the past month he stopped. I know some couples who don't masturbate. But none of them are depriving the other of orgasms and none of them just randomly brought up the whole "I'm expecting you to never masturbate" during a huge fight over a bruised ego. Your boyfriend is acting like an infant.
OK so enough ranting from me on this. You two need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. If he feels like he isn't enough of a man or whatever because he can't make you orgasm from fingers, then why isn't he using your vibrator on you? That is so utterly normal for a woman to use her own fingers or a toy during sex to finish. It is awesome, you know what gets you off, you should do it. You should try to work together to come up with a good solution for how you can orgasm every time you have sex.
If you're both OK with not masturbating, that's great, but he can't expect you to not masturbate AND leave you high and dry during sex. Whatever needs to be done, whether that's taking the extra time for you to use your own fingers, your vibrator, or him to use it on you, whatever gets it done. But it's important that your pleasure becomes as important to him as his own.
It's also time for him to realize male and female anatomy are not set up the same. Women don't usually orgasm from sex, the vast majority of women require clitoral stimulation and a lot of them can't orgasm without a vibrator. It's just the way women are set up. If that's a problem for him, finding a long term partner is going to be a problem for him.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2013):
 "Sounds" to me like your "boyfriend" is a pretty lousy lover.... and you have decided that you will take matters in to your own hands, from where he leaves off. (Pun, intended!!!)....
As well, his learning of your masturbation, and reacting as he did, exposes the extent of his misunderstanding of what "lovemaking" between a man and woman really is....
I think you need to sit him down and have the conversation about what YOU think is lovemaking.... compare it to what HE thinks is lovemaking..... and, if the two of you can't find the common ground, you and he will have to agree that you (two) are incompatible in this important area of your relationship.... AND you have to decide if it is fatal to that relationship....
In other submittals that I have made... you will find that I believe (strongly!) that it IS fatal to a "relationship, if the two people are not sexually compatible...
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Thank you all Should add that I am currently unemployed and he pays the house bills. I sometimes help with groceries. He says he wants us to be partners, but he does not see me taking the household duties as an equal contribution. He sees it more like me helping while I look for a job. He hates his job and is extremely stressed by it and that h3 can't spend time with me due to it. I think that part of my subservient attitude is that he pays the rent, so I feel like I owe him. I don't really feel like an equal for that reason.I understand that I wasn't tactful. The poster who said that there was a power imbalance is right.He does know he does not make me cum on his own, and tries to touch me, but it would take me so long I would be sore and he'd end up frustrated. I have directly told him how I would like more foreplay and how I like to be eaten out or even How I like to be touched. He says he used to make his ex cum in 10 minutes, and so I feel inadequate. I know that I can cum and that I am healthy, but somehow wuth him it feels good but if I don't get my hands in there I don't cum. I know that I am acting stupid, somehow I feel that I should be less bothersome. He also said he feels like a failure because he feels he makes m3 unhappy an d that he thought I wouldn't put up with his bs and would make him grow as a man... but I am quite tired, and I do not want to nag him either. ..Im unsure, I know I should grow a backbone but I don't contribute so I don't know if I can even make demands.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Both of you all should masturbate together then no one would be left out:)sounds great to me!
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reader, llifton +, writes (21 June 2013):
 if i were him, i would definitely be turned on by it. lol. i would think most men would.
does he know you don't get off when you have sex? if he does, he probably is feeling inadequate. and so when he woke up and saw you doing it to yourself, he may have felt like he can't pleaase you and that you must rely on yourself.
i think if he was able to get you off all the time, or even just some of the time, he would never feel insecure and bothered by something like this. i think he needs to learn how to please you and you should teach him how. i don't think it's okay for him to have all the physical pleasure while you have to pleasure yourself. have you tried to teach him what to do? for some reason, people believe it's so hard to please a woman. it's really not hard. it's quite easy. it just takes a little patience and discovery of what women like. and it seems you know what you like, seeing as how you can get yourself off. have him do the same thing to you that you do to yourself.
you didn't do anything wrong. he's just feeling insecure and that you don't enjoy being physical with him. he probably feels like a failure. don't feel bad. you're human and you have needs, too. he gets off every time, so he has no need for masturbation (although i'm skeptical to believe he hasn't in a whole month). you don't get off. so you feel the need to have that physical release. and that's completely normal. you should be able to without punishment. besides, you got turned on by his body. he should feel good about that.
anyway, i think it all stems from him own insecurity with his inability to get you off. i would approach this in a way where you are gentle and let him know how attracted to him you are and how much you do love sex with him. and then coach him the next time on how to please you.
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reader, queenadelaide +, writes (21 June 2013):
From your response this is not just an issue about orgasms. He sounds like a petulant child or a control freak.You also sound like you ALWAYS accommodate him at any cost and feel inconvenient when you don't.I must say, it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic at all.- 'he had tried to initiate but I was serving him dinner so that is why I was busy'You don't need an excuse for saying no to sex. It's ok for you to say no when you don't want to - for whatever reason. You're not his slave to jump at every command unless he has another need that you're attending to.- I Feel so ashamedYou have no reason at all to be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. You have every right to sexual satisfaction. You do however, really need to address the elephant in the room that is the orgasm and his lack of consideration of your needs sexually. You might feel obliged to make sure that 'he gets it anytime he wants' (which is not a healthy attitude because your feelings count as much as his does) but you will not enjoy the experience much hence the sex being ok, hence you being 'considerate enough not to initiate'. The truth is, you're not getting your needs met and you have no really want to go through the motions when there's nothing in it for you. You will come up with all sorts of excuses for not initiating but you can't keep up the pretense forever. He needs to make sure that your needs are seen to as well. He does not have the luxury of being impatient. It's his job as your partner to work with you to figure out what makes you tick and give it to you so that you want him too. 'I try to make myself available to him all the time''I try to let him do what he wants''I just feel like such a failure as a girlfriend'You have taken on such a subservient role in your relationship. You need to understand that you are his equal in this relationship and your feelings, your thoughts and you needs matter as much as his. You don't have to ask how high if he asks you to jump. You have made his feelings your priority. You have made it your responsibility if he experiences negative feelings - but it's not. His feelings are his own responsibility. You shouldn't be feeling like a failure because he fails to take ownership of his own feelings. If he is hurt and inadequate that he's not pleasing you, he should DO something about improving the situation rather than slamming doors and guilt tripping you.You make excuses for him, how he works soooooo hard and is soooooo tired. This would be ok if he was a nice person who didn't take advantage of your good nature. He milks your desire to please him and manipulates you into feeling like a failure for his shortcomings. He guilt trips you when you have a quiet moment to pleasure yourself ( which you're entitled to whether he makes you orgasm or not - your sexuality is yours to do with as you please) and he slams the door on you leaving you crying alone. These are not the qualities of a good boyfriend. The problem is not just sexual. The problem is that your boyfriend exploits your good nature. You really do not sound like a couple with a healthy power balance. Leave him and look for someone who cares about your needs as much as you do theirs.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2013):
 Wow you have a lazy lover for a BF, he NEVER works hard to get you off too? What are you to him? His girl sized fleshlight?
1. don't be ashamed. He can't be bothered to even TRY getting you off.
2. there is nothing WRONG with YOU masturbating.
I'm sorry, he needs to grow the F up.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2013):
 " I Feel so ashamed. "
Do NOT let him shame you. It'll make it near impossible for you to enjoy masturbation and difficult to reach an orgasm, if all you think about is how ashamed he made you feel.
You did NOTHING wrong!!! So yeah, there was one time he didn't get sex when he wanted it. You know what? Adults DEAL with not getting what they want when they want it. CHILDREN run away and cry, like he did. He could have, like your ex, woken up to it and taken part in it, enjoying himself with you and making it an intimate experience. Instead, he decided to sulk, cry, run away like a little brat, and on top of everything SHAME you for doing something so natural.
Honestly woman, stand with your back straight and don't be bullied by this immature boyfriend of yours. His behaviour is really poor. What else is he immature and selfish about, other than sex? You mentioned YOU brought him dinner.. so does that mean you cook for him too? Perhaps clean as well while he does what.. lays down to have a snooze? Wouldn't surprise me with the type of attitude he shows.
Seriously, you're not a failure as a girlfriend, but you're being a wuzz and reducing yourself to nothing else but his sex-toy. You have every right to say no to him WHENEVER you want to say no. You shouldn't even try to "make yourself available", what the heck does that mean anyway? I feel you need a real shaking to see common sense. You're being used and then when he's upset with you you feel the need to apologize? Look, you don't owe him sex, and you certainly do not have to be available whenever he wants to have a f¤¤%. If he wants to have some intimacy he can court you. Make you dinner. Make you feel wanted and loved, not guilt trip you or hump you when you're clearly busy, only to sulk and whine about it afterwards.
If he wants sex, he needs to work for it and get YOU in the mood. If you're not in the mood then he needs to be an adult and figure out a way to handle it. Because he's not an infant who needs instant gratification, and you're not a whore he pays for who needs to spread her legs on his command. Please. Treat yourself with more respect. And demand respect too, you are his girlfriend, not his whore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): He was upset because he had tried to initiate but I was serving him dinner so that is why I was busy then it got too late so he went to sleep. He said he was upset he missed that intimacy with me...you are right. I Feel so ashamed.
He knows I do not cum often or fast with him that is why I got the vibrator, to help me along. I know he tries, but I do not want to make him feel bad so I do not make a big deal about me not cumming and take carebof myself.
Since he works so hard I try to make myself available to him all the time, but he gets really hurt when I deny him. Like if I am cooking and he is fondling me, he doesn't care if his dinner gets burnt so I try to let him do what he wants...
I just feel like such a failure as a girlfriend...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): I think he's way overreacting and totally deflecting any responsibility for the state of your sex life onto his feelings of woooooooe and paaaaain. If he focuses on that, he won't have to deal with the fact that he's not satisfying his girlfriend. Most guys, if they love their girlfriends/wives, will make the lady's satisfaction a priority (from my admittedly limited knowledge). I don't know what it says about him that he doesn't make yours a priority, and doesn't try to find out what he can do differently. I also find it very strange and unnatural -- unnecessarily prudish -- that he is so turned off by you playing with yourself. My guy, like your previous boyfriend, is very turned on by this, and loves to either watch or get in on the fun. Your current bf's attitude smacks a little of being controlling. Maybe he FEELS inadequate since he's always working, and spends most of his time in his own head, and therefore feels like he can't engage with you to the degree that he wants -- including sex. This could have many explanations, but I do consider it a red flag when a guy tries to control a woman's sexuality and/or give her a guilt trip about it. I suggest lots of open communication to the tune of, "But WHY are you upset?" "No, but deeper than that, why?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): You have done nothing wrong and should continue to pleasure yourself, I think you should encourage him to watch and enjoy it without telling him that you cannot get pleasure from him.If you owned up that he cannot make you climax, you need to do some damage control as he obviously feels insulted.YOu need to turn the sex into fun and encourage him to join you, but stay off telling him that he cannot make you cum.I suggest you can say to him that you would like the sex to last long as you enjoy the intimacy as oppose to saying that he has no patience (I am not syaing you did say that to him). Its just a tactful way of achieveing the same thing.Just plan a nice romantic diner and lingeri and seduce him. It should work. Just remember you did nothing wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): I think personally I would be very horny watching my woman doing that and would be happy to jump in and give a helping hand.I don't see any reason being angry.He should apologize for being so negligent in the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Usually it is a woman who is disturbed about her male partner masturbating on his own. Now the flip-side of the coin.What you do with your own body is your own business. the problem is, you haven't suggested to him that you would to reach an orgasm during sex and let him off the hook. He's selfish and totally ignores the true reason why you had to take care of yourself. By throwing a tantrum, he takes the pressure off himself to please you to orgasm; and places the guilt for his own inadequacy on you.He is using a reverse psychology on you, because he is too lazy to carry sex beyond his own personal pleasure. He really has the stones to masturbate himself; yet get angry at you for doing the same?Then lay it on the line and tell him why you did it. Stop using that lame excuse you didn't want to bother him. He sure as hell doesn't mind letting you have it with both guns for pleasing yourself. He shamed you for doing what is natural.When you get the nerve to tell him that you want him to take you to orgasm, your problem will be solved. If he isn't willing to compromise, then please yourself. in fact, you have a right to, whenever you wish.Tell him, if he can make you orgasm; you promise not to do it again. Then do it anyway, it's your body.
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reader, queenadelaide +, writes (21 June 2013):
This is a very touchy issue indeed.Firstly, I wouldn't say you've done anything wrong by pleasuring yourself per se. But doing it right next to him when he hasn't been able to make you cum is a bil like rubbing salt into the wound a bit.He felt hurt, disrespected and angry not because he objects to you masturbating but because he feels inadequate.It sounds like his ego, his sense of identity as your man is tied to his sexual prowess. It was a sore point when he couldn't make you cum before, but now that you've shown him that you're more efficient at reaching your peak without him, he feels like he's not needed.I'm saying this to help you understand that you haven't done anything wrong, but you just haven't been very tactful.What you can do now is educate him about the female anatomy. Get him websites / books that explain that the female orgasm is a lot more complex to reach than the male orgasm. He WILL have to be patient in during intimacy otherwise nothing will change. Once he understands that it's not easy, you can start teaching him what makes you feel good. Please don't let either of you get obsessed with the climax, because you'll be so busy chasing and you'll forget to relax and enjoy it.Work out on your own exactly what pressure, speed, section gets you off. And teach him. Have him place his hand on you and cover his hand with yours and show him exactly what you do to yourself. Give him verbal cues, make the right noises when he's doing it right so he knows to continue doing exactly that. Identify what fantasies get you off and focus on them - you don't have to share these with him, but if you know what psychologically drives you wild, that neural pathway connecting the fantasy, the stimulation and orgasm will get stronger and it will be easier to cum over time.Good luck and happy loving!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 June 2013):
You are too soft on your boyfriend. How dare he gets upset? You have every right to masturbate. And how dare he feel inadequate? He was the one you were turned on by! And how dare he feel surprised, he knows from before that he can not make you orgasm. Your boyfriend is immature and manipulative. Do not let him make you feel like you did anything wrong, he is the one with the issues and problems. This is a red flag, and quite frankly a reason to dump him. Its a dealbreaker if a man tries to own my body and control wether or not I can masturbate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Boo hoo for him. Yeah, it was a little odd and I suppose "rude" to masturbate next to him, but for him to get all up in arms about it when he's sexually satisfied is pathetic. His masculinity is just hurt. You are not a horrible girlfriend for pleasing yourself while he was sleeping. You could've been more tasteful or tactful, but it's not like you guys aren't at the stage where you can be doing intimate things. And so what if your boyfriend gave up masturbation? Does that mean you have to as well? If he said he was giving up meat, would you go vegetarian for him? Have you tried telling him that you're never satisfied? Or does that hurt his ego? Try communicating with him. If he's going to be a little kid, then break up with him.
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