A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for a little over a year. We have come to our "plateau" in our relationship. But he will not communicate with me at all. He thinks I do everything wrong and he does everything right. I want to just sit and have a heart to heart but he refuses. I am on the verge of breaking down. Lately he has been talking to this girl (which he was friends with her before I even came into his life). But he has been texting her all the time. He's trying to make a date for us so I can meet her but I think it's ridiculous that he wants to marry me but talks to her about every other day. He deletes everything on his phone and won't tell me the truth about what they talk about. Should I be concerned or am I overreacting? I don't want to hear, leave him he's immature.. Or any of that bull. Please, an honest answer would be awesome!! Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, so I talk to her now more than he talks to her. She has a boyfriend and she's bringing him on Friday. She tells me that they don't talk about anything wrong because if he did she would not talk to him anymore. She told me that if it really irritated me like it seems, she would quit talking to him because she doesn't want me hurt. They quit talking for a year because that's when me and him got together. He just started talking to her again about a month ago. She actually said word for word the other day "I'm more friends with you now than I am with him". Do I believe her? She seems like a sweet girl. Rock--me--Hard place!! Eeeek!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your bf is cheating on you emotionally if not physically (yet). As others have said, this kind of behavior on his part won't go away after you're married. He might drop this girl but there will always be other women in his life.
His trying to introduce you to her could be his way of trying to pull one over on you. My ex introduced me to his mistress and then used the "if he's sleeping with her he won't bring her around" line to try to convince me she was just a friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all these reassuring answers haha. I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place because that's not our whole relationship. We truly are good together. We like the same things and enjoy activities together. We're both really competitive so we shoot pool and play corn hole and enjoy the heck out of each other. He has a problem discussing anything. That's how his dad is so I know where he gets it from. Everyone says just talk to him.. It's not the easiest thing because he freaks about major things. And I've learned to cope with that. We get through with our own communication. And I know a year seems really soon to tie the knot but were not getting married tomorrow. We're still gonna wait a couple years. I am supposed to meet this girl Friday.. And I've talked to her on the phone, she seems awesome but I'm still jealous because I don't know what they talk about or why he needs her every other day. Maybe I'm just a very jealous person.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Don't leave him BECAUSE he's immature because that's not what the issue is.
You need to leave him because he's lying by omission (deleting her messages)
My ex husband did this before we were married with many women... it continued into our marriage and he would not stop even adding new women to his "harem" of texting babes. The texts get sexual and it's emotional cheating... he would tell them he loved them and then tell me "but just as a friend"
he lived for the ego stroke.
now he's my ex and he's doing it to the women he's engaged to.
it will not stop.
if you can't deal with it now, it will not go away if you get married... then it will piss you off more and as a wife you will feel safe enough to voice your true feelings. and if you think you are WRONG now, wait till you have a fight about a woman he cares about (even if he's not sleeping with her she's emotionally very important to him)
stay with him but learn to express yourself and see what happens.... do not consider marriage to this man.
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female
reader, armyofme  +, writes (5 February 2012):
I was in very much the same situation with my ex, and I didn't consider leaving him either until her blonde hairs started showing up in our bed. Needless to say, they'd been a little more than friends for some time.
That said, I don't think you should walk away from him just on the basis that he has a female friend that he spends time with. He's trying to arrange a date where you two can meet, and I doubt he'd do that if he was cheating with this girl.
Be aware, though, that talking about another woman constantly is a sign of infatuation. Even if he isn't cheating, she's certainly in his thoughts a lot.. and a trustworthy person would have no reason whatsoever to be deleting everything from their phone; no-one does that.
Add to this, your gut is obviously telling you that something isn't quite right. One of my best friends is a guy I've known since I was a teenager, and in all of those years of close friendship it has never ever caused any of our partners insecurity, and that is because we have nothing to hide. We are completely transparent and our partners are usually included in discussions and social meetings. We seek friendship with each other's pertner's; after all, any girl worthy of my best friend's love is a friend of mine. We certainly don't go around deleting each other's text messages.
I think the best thing to do here is to give him the benefit of the doubt and be smart and watch to see how the situation develops. Try to avoid confronting him with any accusations, there's every chance that there's nothing other than simple friendship going on here and this type of jealous behaviour can be very toxic in a relationship. It'll only cause him to put up a wall and communicate less. You should talk to him about how the situation makes you feel, though, and listen to what he has to say too. If he continues to talk about his friend all the time just ignore him and look at your watch like he's boring you. He'll soon get the message.
Tell him you're really looking forward to meeting his friend, and make some suggestions about what you three could do for a date. Ask if she has a partner too who would like to come along. If he keeps coming up with reasons why this meeting with his friend can't happen, that might go some way to confirming your suspicions - because there's no reason why that should be difficult if she's just a friend.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 February 2012):
 You do know that when you two say I do, it is not an instant fix? That before you even consider marriage you two ought to sort these things out?
I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm going to say it anyways, why are you with a guy who doesn't respect you? Sooner or later YOU are going to believe his BS, that you are always wrong and he is always right and then there will be another post on here.
Sorry there is no magical wand you can wave around and make him understand that what he is doing is wrong in a relationship, he simple don't give a damn.
Good luck
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Doesn't sound like a real positive way to start off a 'til death do us part" relationship. You two might want to re-examine the future together.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (5 February 2012):
 If he refuses to talk to you, then force him to listen to what you have to say. If he doesn't respond, then he doesn't really care about you in my opinion...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): "I don't want to hear, leave him he's immature.. Or any of that bull. Please, an honest answer would be awesome!!"
In all honesty, you should leave him. Not because he's immature, but because you don't trust him and he won't communicate with you. I've never been married, but I'm pretty sure these are 2 big prerequisites for a marriage. Anything else I would have to say probably would be BS.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 February 2012):
 If you don't want to hear 'Leave him' I guess the only thing you can do is talk to him face to face and explain how you feel. Let him know that his action are bothering you. If he has nothing to hide then he won't mind being open and honest with you and let you know exactly why it is that he is having so much contact with the other girl. Men can have female friends, but if shes an ex girlfriend, you have to make sure that there is nothing left between them.
We all have choices when we are in a relationship. If we feel happy safe secure and are able to talk about any problems and reach a solution together, then we choose to stay.
If we don't feel secure, are noticing that there is secretive or unsettling behaviours going on and we can't get an honest answer then we can choose to walk away.
It's hard to stay in a bad relationship where we don't know what is going on and we have suspicions that all is not right, but millions of people choose to do this because they simply 'love' the person. It's what you are prepared to put up with, what you perceive as hurtful or damaging and how you think it will affect you in the future.
If you love your fiance, you need to get all your worries and concerns out in the open and he needs to be completely honest. That is the basis for a good marriage and a successful union...that is what you need.
Have a talk with him, if he is a stand up guy, he will prove to you that there is nothing going on and that all is well...and you will feel it.
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female
reader, unlovedgirl  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 well its really is werid that he does that, talking to this girl is one thing but deleting her msgs is another, he has something to hide and he doesnt want you to find out! and his afraid of being tied down! plus him knowing this girl longer then you and them being like best friend and talking to her all the time is not a good thing! i think his playing you! you need to talk to him about it before your in way mre deeper then you are!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): The obvious signs are that he is cooling with you and is overly interested in this other girl - you are right to be concerned. He won't get into a discussion with you, and is deleting texts? You need to know the nature of his friendship with this girl - meeting her may help set your mind at rest on that and then you will be able to gauge if there is something going on or that it is quite innocent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): To me, a little over a year seems really soon to get married, so think about this: what if he's uncertain at all? That doesn't mean he's going to cheat and leave you, nonono... But think about how you react when he is nervous, or suggests that a date is close, or how tied up you get in details about being married or your relationship. Do you communicate better when things are less stressful? Could this "plateau" be more of a "wall"? How approachable and flexible are YOU when it comes to the really hard and emotional stuff? Would his answer be different from yours?Chances are, he's got a great friend, and someone he can turn to and unwind, and not be pressured that he'll hurt your feelings. When surveyed, a lot of women (and men) feel that they would be more hurt by cheating if it was just emotional, more than if it was just physical. He probably doesn't see it as leaving you out, he probably is communicating with someone else so that you're not troubled by it. Don't force the heart-to-heart, but let YOUR needs be heard. Tell him that there are some things that you really want to talk about, and reassure him that he can talk to you about anything. Throw in there that you expect that some things will be tough to talk about but that's ok. Then finish with (non-accusingly) how you don't turn to your friends and talk about your relationship, and rely on him to talk about these things.Good luck.
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reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (5 February 2012):
"I don't want to hear, leave him he's immature.. Or any of that bull. Please, an honest answer would be awesome!!"
Go ahead and marry a guy whom you know in advance doesn't respect you, refuses to communicate, puts you down as always being wrong, and is keeping secrets from you. Just don't be surprised to discover he's also been (*gasp*) flat-out lying to you when you catch him (*shocker*) boinking "friend" as he's likely been doing all along.
Is that an awesomely honest and bull-free enough answer for you?
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