A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,please advise/vent/give input. I'm married for 8 years have 2 children and currently in a difficult place. My hub and I have always had ups n downs however problems were never really properly dealt with..we kinda just moved on. Most of the time probs were with extended family related on my husbands part. I always seemed to be the one trying to settle his mind on issues.Over the last 3 years his temper has accelerated into outbursts esp road rage incidents which have left me in cold-sweats. I try and talk to my hub about the matter and he snaps at me,using vulgar language which I do not use on him.Over the past 24 months I found solace,comfort, affection, attention and love in an ex who is divorced for 3 years. I've always loved him but our paths took seperate ways previously. And he has always loved me. He wants to be with me and can not understand why I tolerate so much of nonsense from my hub. I've tried talking to my hub to try and work things out but have become so broken my things he's said to me plus he found out about my affair.I feel guilty leaving him. I worry about my children and their future as a result of a broken home. 4 months ago I almost left my husband but stayed due to these issues. Told the man I love I couldn't go through with it and he has not responded to my texts etc. I miss him and love him entirely but feel I need to resolve or work thins out with the husband AGAIN. Everytime I visit London I have an urge to call him up to meet him, like I use to. Its a very depressing place to be in..missing the one you love but trying to be happy for the kids.I hate the fact the he just dropped me like a "hot potato". Some parts of me acknowledges that its easier being in an unfulfilled marriage than stirring the pot.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 January 2010):
You really aren't willing to give this poor guy up are you. By saying you'll always love him and wanting to talk to him on Valentines you are giving the poor bloke hope that he has a chance.
How is he supposed to get over you if he has in the back of his mind that you might turn up next week having left your hubbie for him?
I think you need to just cut contact as much as possible. You've said you are making a big effort to save your marriage so you have to give that 100%.
Keep talking to your husband and keep communicating. If it's not going to work then it won't but it will never have a chance while you are still wondering if you have made the right choice.
Pick a guy and make the effort.
I have to ask if you really WANT to save your marriage, or whether you just think it's the right thing to do. If your lover is the one you want then no amount of effort will save your marriage and you are just prolonging the breaking up part.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,update: spoke to hub he was v unapologetic but agreed to improve his behaviour.
My lover sent an e-mail to me with the word: ahava. Its always been our message of saying I love you,when we dated at college..-hebrew for unconditional love.
Responded with: always.
I have so much of love in my heart for him (lover)..
Another thing, intimacy with my hub is difficult-just not making that connection..I'm afraid its irreversable.
Btw, would it be acceptable or would it create more pain, if on valentines day I send my ex an e-mail saying something?
Thank you in advance for your assistance.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 January 2010):
Say Hi, smile but it doesn't need to get into a hug.
A hug can last that bit too long and it will just remind you of all those feelings.
Just wave and treat him like you would your old boss.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2010):
So hi, but no hug. And genuinly, don't expect anything to happen, because I don't think anything can now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insight, much appreciated. Yes, I know I've made the correct decision to end it off with the old bf and I do have a huge mountain to climb with regard to tackling the problem at hand-my relationship with my husband.
Another quick Q, if I may please... How do I react or behave in future if I bump into my ex? Say hi (hug/no hug),ignore or smile without verbalising? I would want him to feel and know that my feelings for him are true..and our love is selfless hence the partinng.
Once again, thank you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 January 2010):
Your lover has done what every aunt would have advised him to do.
You told him you are making a go of things with your hubbie so he backed off to let you do that and try and get over you.
As for your husband... You have to sit him down and have a proper talk with him. Tell him you are really unhappy and you can either work things out together or you will leave him.
Suggest going to Relate. If he won't put the effort in then you can leave with a clear conscience but you have to have one last push to sort things out.
The children will not be happy watching you two rowing and sitting terrified in the back of the car. I grew up with that kind of thing and it still affects the way I act around MY husband. It led to me putting up with a LOT of pain from ex boyfriends because pretending to be happy was what couples do. That's exactly what you are teaching them now.
Get things sorted or move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 January 2010):
You did the right thing by ending the affair. Having an affair usually complicates things, as it has done here. And I'm afraid your lover was right to stop contact. He can see that at this moment there is too much going on, and he can see that you need to make decisions about your marriage before you move on. You can't just be with your husband and continue having an affair, because that's not fair to your lover nor yourself and your kids. So for the moment, focus on your marriage. And when I mean focus, I mean sit down with your husband and ask him if he wants to work it out with a counsellor. If yes, try to work things out. If no, then you must end it, because your kids are going to see all of this, and no matter how young they are, they will feel your distress. The lover, I think, has moved on. So sit down with your husband, and decide once and for all whether you want to end it. Then move on from there.
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