A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't find my girlfriend that attractive, but I am overwhelmingly happy with who she is as a person. What do I do?My girlfriend and I kind of stumbled into dating each other. We met at a party one night and ended up drunkly hooking up (having sex, just to be clear). We were both very drunk and had I been sober I'm not sure if I would have had sex with her that night. We hung out a couple of times after that and I discovered she was really an amazing person, a really really amazing person. I found her decently attractive so when she asked if we could be 'official' I thought to myself, "oh what the hell" and said yes. A few months have gone by and I've realized that I am NOT sexually satisfied. Other than the sex and appearance she is literally my dream girl.The girls I've dated and or had sex with in the past are more attractive than her and I know I can get a hotter girlfriend if I want, but I'm not sure if I'll ever find a girl with a personality, emotional bearing, and moral ground that matches with me so perfectly. Do I continue to date this girl in hopes that one day her looks will grow on me and I'll become sexually satisfied? Or do I need to end this relationship now before we get any closer and the break up is that much worse?
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female
reader, Candycane1234  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Hi, my current boyfriend wasn't that attractive at the beginning, he was kind of nerdy and I thought he was a bit special (lol) but he made me laugh soo much, I did find him a little attractive but not much then my love grew for him!!!!! I find him so hunky and sexy now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Hi, it depends also on the personality you have. I should say I was also in the same bracket as you, but I don't ever regret marrying my wife. She doesn't have the looks but I have grown to love her so much with time. She has a great personality, very intelligent as well as enterprising. I have seen friends who went for beauty over personality and divorced plural times. I assume you are still young and want to test other waters, but all that is wrong because I met my wife then when I was 19 and we were both virgins and still at uni. We have never broken up even once, we have two children and next year we shall mark our 10 years of our great friendship. Trust me, what you have is way better than what you don't have out there.
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female
reader, carebare  +, writes (14 May 2012):
I don't really have any advice to give but I just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation.My boyfriend and I have had a rather turbulent relationship. We even broke up for over a year and got back together. I do love him and care for him deeply, despite everything. I know he loves me and the sex is pretty good but I'm not really attracted to him. Not like I should be.I'm not a shallow person but when it comes to a relationship that needs to be friendship, romance and sexual... Don't you HAVE to be attracted to the other person? You're going to have to spend the rest of you life only having sex with one person... and you aren't even really attracted to them. I also feel like I'm doing him an injustice, being not attracted to him but I love him too much to let go.It's a hard spot to be in and I feel for you... Let me know if you find any answers.. I could use them too.
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I was once in the same kind of situation as you. I had a best friend named Christopher. He made me laugh and was such an awesome person. We loved hanging out together. There was no sexual chemestry on my end anyway... Out of the clear blue sky, he proposed marriage to me one night!! I had to turn him down. He was in love with me but I just wasn't "feelin it". He felt more like a friend to me. We had no future together.
So you really need to end it with this girl before you break her heart... It's the right thing to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): In my opinion, it's best to break up. I dated a woman for quite a few years in a situation that's similar to yours. I kept hoping I would become more attracted to her, but I didn't. We both would have been better off if we'd broken it off sooner.
Attraction is important to both women and men, and studies have consistently shown that people tend to pair up with someone who is about equal to themselves in terms of attractiveness. You need to find someone you are attracted to. Forcing yourself into a relationship with someone you're not really attracted to wouldn't make you a better person.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I agree that you should break up with her.
If by now you don't find her appealing it won't happen.
I met my current partner and his personality was so cute that his looks became adorable to me... he's not the most handsome man.. he has bad teeth and tons of other faults that i can see but I love him and when I see him I WANT him. Even at his worst...
so if when you see her you see "eww I Wish....she was better at....." then do her a favor and let her go so she can find someone who will love and adore her in the place she's at.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): You have to have both OP, an amazing personality really can make a fairly attractive girl into an amazing beauty but you didn't have that to begin with because you weren't sexually attracted to her from the start.
Her looks aren't going to grow on you OP because they have no foundation on which to build.
OP you have to have three types of attraction to make a good relationship; sexual, emotional and intellectual. If you're missing any of those it won't last. Without sexual all you have is a friend, without emotional all you have is a fun lay, without intellectual all you have is relationship with someone you have nothing in common with.
You're fighting a losing battle here, you should never date a girl who you're not sexually attracted to, you don't have to be amazed by her beauty but you do have to have that desire to have sex with her (while sober) from the start.
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (14 May 2012):
Let her go. She needs to find someone who loves her for her looks and her mind, and she will be a great find for that person. She DESERVES that person.
You are evidently intended for someone else.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2012):
 Wow, I think you need to let that poor girl go. You are too shallow to keep her long term.
And you don't really love her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): This all depends on priorities. Believe me, you will never find another girl that has the perfect personality that she has. Especially if you move on to a girl that is hot. (hot girls tend to be self centered and lack empathy) Which is more important to you? Sexual satisfaction AND looks(can these be improved in any way?), or being with someone you love to be with. You have to decide which is more important to you and move on from there. Remember, this is a life changing decision. I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Break up. I agree with the anon. Looks and personality are like the two faces of a coin, -people are made of both. You need a person that in your eyes is good outside and good inside. Starting a romance only based on looks and chemistry may be vapid and superficial, but starting a romance based ONLY on matching personalities and no physical attraction... then is not a romance, it's a friendship. You are very young so probably you are not even considering marriage and you would not end up with this girl anyway, but that's exactly how so many marriages end up forever sexless pretty soon : " Oh she / he is a great person and I love her/him..... only... she / he does not do it for me ".
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female
reader, swordandredrose +, writes (14 May 2012):
Looks like you want it all!
In my opinion, you shouldn't let her go if she is your dream girl. Remember, beauty fades after a while.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): you should end the relationship now. she is not your dream girl. If you've met your dream girl, you WILL find her attractive - because her great personality will switch on these circuits in your brain that turn you on physically towards her too. If you've found the right one for you, then you will find however they are, attractive. e.g. I never thought I'd go for short men - I like tall guys, it was one of my criteria that a guy can't be hot if he's short. All my ex-boyfriends were tall, big and brawny types. But, with my fiance, our personalities and backgrounds just click so much that I'm so in love with him that he is the sexiest man in the world to me and the fact that he is short just doesn't even matter. I see him and I just see an incredibly hot guy that I can't get enough of. That is not to say that I now think other short men are attractive too - I look at them and and still think "not attractive at all." But my brain just doesn't put my fiance in that same category. So if your gf has a great personality but you don't feel attracted to her, then she is in the 'friend zone' and you're basically seeing her as an emotionally-safe "sister" or best-female-buddy type of friend. Which is all very good and it's great to have friendships like that, they will enhance your life greatly. BUT it's not going to work as an intimate relationship, that's where its limits are. So basically I would re-define the relationship to no longer be a romantic/intimate one but just a buddy-type friendship. keep her as a friend (if she can stay friends with you after a break up) and value her as such, and be a good friend to her in return. But this isn't a romantic relationship that's meant to be.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I note that you've included this in your submittal: "....Other than the sex and appearance she is literally my dream girl." Sooooo Mr Smarty-pants, please tell me, what, besides sex and appearances, are the attributes of a dream girl?????....
And,.... PLEASE,.... do NOT try to get me - or anyone else who is likely to see this - to believe that you are looking only for a girl who you can love "for her brains".... We're not that naive.....
P.S. Don't try "for her cooking and cleaning skills," either......
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): I say break up with her because you're already considering doing so just because of her appearance. Attraction is important and if that never happens, you'll grow to resent her and the relationship and may stray, which will cause her more pain than necessary.I know I should be giving a proper answer saying that you need to look beyond her appearance and appreciate her for who she is, but attraction is obviously a concern for you this early on and *if* marriage and children come along, weight gain, stretch marks and cellulite aren't going to help the situation. And chances are, if she's older than 20, she's not going to change much physically.I vote to end the relationship. It sounds superficial and shallow but everyone prioritizes differently.
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