A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin. I hope someone can give me good insight. So I've been dating a guy for about four months now. We became officially exclusive 2 months ago, though he said he wasn't dating anyone or even looking the entire four months (he was waiting for me to say that we would exclusive, bf/gf label). A little about me: I've been in three prior long term relationships, lasting one to two years. I'm the type of person who wants to settle down and get married, so for me these were pretty long relationships to have "failed." I don't want to waste so much time anymore, and what I mean is it's not that I'm in a rush to get married/settled, but when I look back at the men I dated, I should have ended things earlier because of red flags I saw. I think I stayed too long in some relationships because it's hard for me to let go. I'm worried I'm doing the same here, and my question has to do with whether to leave now because there are "red flags" or continue on because this isn't a big deal. It basically has to do with his relationship with women and in particular an ex. So, we've now known each other for four months (we met online). I'm at a place that I am comfortable with him and I do find myself feeling this is "right," except for this one thing. He and I have similar interests and can talk on and on and on, we have such great fun times. He's wonderful in that when I get emotional about things, he's very understanding and wants to talk things out, so if we have a disagreement, we usually talk it out and it's resolved. So, I guess what I'm saying is, we have fun, but there's also something of substance in the way we mesh, communicate, resolve, understand each other. We're also on the same page about marriage, we both want to get married, have kids, and we've talked about this. So first. About his ex…. He dated someone at work last year, and he's still friends with her and they still work together, and if I stay with him, it is very very likely they will ALWAYS be working for the same company (very stable job). For some reason, when he first mentioned it to me, he immediately said that this is his friend, and he won't lose her as a friend because she is important. He said he regrets they dated and slept together because the friendship changed. They still hang out in groups, and they are Facebook friends and I notice she likes all his things. While we were dating exclusively, he bought tickets to a concert and invited her to come to. Up to this point, I let it go. But when my friend find out about it, she said this was a problem. Truth be told, I felt uncomfortable inside, but I thought I was being irrational. So hearing someone on the outside tell me this was weird, I decided to say something to him. I ended up telling him I felt uncomfortable, so he said he wouldn't do it again, and that I'm important to him, not her. So while before we made plans to hang out all together before the concert, now we are just meeting her there (it would be too much to cancel altogether). The concert is later this month, by the way, so I haven't met her yet. I don't know if that's right, or that was too much to ask for, but I appreciate that he did that. A few weeks ago, however, he and I went to a baseball game, and by chance his ex was on the big screen during the game! Remember I didn't meet her yet (because that concert mentioned above is later this month), so I didn't know it was her at the time. I only knew it was her the next day because his friend found out we were at the game and mentioned that his ex was there and showed us a picture of her on the big screen. I distinctly remember this person because she had an unusual hat on and in fact the camera showed her twice. My boyfriend swears he didn't notice her, but I remember pointing her out to him when I saw her on the big screen because of the unusual hat. So it's strange he's denying that he noticed her on the screen. I can't help but think he really did see her on the screen. It's not even a big deal if he saw her…. I'm not uncomfortable that she exists…. I'm uncomfortable if he still has feelings for her or if he is going to lie or not be forthcoming about things. I want to be able to move past this and be with him. But at the same time, if he's being shady then I want to cut ties now. Going back to my history, I dated a guy that I completely trusted, only to find that he was trying to get with other women behind my back. I ended it with him, but there were a lot of red flags when I look back. He was pretty shady, and I let it go. I feel that these are similar flags… At least it's the same feeling I get, where things don't make sense, match up. For that reason, I feel uneasy and wonder whether I should be smarter this time and cut ties now while we only have a few months. I hope this made sense. I probably left a few things out. Anyway. Does this seem suspicious? I guess it's important to say that he really tells me that he loves me, and he tells me I have nothing to worry about. I actually do believe him. Which is part of my problem. I feel like I just believe people and I'm not being smart about things…. I know I'm supposed to look at his actions, but there aren't really any actions I've seen that are problematic. Just the fact that he invited this ex to the concert, denies seeing her on the screen when I pointed her out to him the two times. On Facebook I know that he posts things that we've done together, like events, activities, but he never mentions me or includes pictures of me. though he'll post pictures of himself. And I know that his ex he works with likes his pictures (but I'm not that worried about that, because I'll be meeting her at that concert). I know he checks out other girls, but I understand that's what guys do, though he does it much more than other guys may, I notice (compared to exes). But that's not a deal breaker to me in and of itself. On the flip side, I also don't want to hinder his lifestyle. He said that he wants to be with me and that being with these other women isn't important to him (his female friends, like his ex), so he said he wouldn't meet with them one on one or be the one to invite them out anymore, though he'll likely hang out with them in groups, since they all work together. Because of the way I feel, I feel that he is restricting himself. Which I appreciate and actually want. But will he be happy that way? Especially if we marry and this is a forever committment?And is the fact they work together a problem too? I haven't been in such a situation before so I don't know. Ok, I'm all over the place here. At the end of the day, I can be understanding about just the ex, though again truth be told, it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I wonder about the shady behavior. I know I shouldn't compare, but at the same time, we have experiences for a reason, and I just get this same strange shady vibe when it comes to certain things. And at the same time, I recognize I may be too sensitive and I may be being too hard on him , and in that case all guys. I don't know. Sorry for the long rambling question. Again, any insight would help. Thank you so much.
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at work, facebook, his ex, met online Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): simple. do you enjoy him and want to be around him? if so then loosen up about the ex and have a good time with him
if not, or if you feel he doesnt provide some sort of emotional support you feel he should be measuring up with, then go find someone who does. at the end of the day, youre not really doing much to secure the relationship if you nitpick such things. you cant control him, you can only control what you do and do not put up with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016): I am going to play a bit of psychic here. This is not going to end well.
Your gut instincts never lie. I would never date a guy who still seems like he has feelings for his ex. Hanging out with her in groups is not an issue.
I once dated a guy like this and it was a nightmare.
It's not about being insecure. It's about boundaries. Try hanging out with your ex and let's see what he says.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (8 August 2016):
 I agree with Brownwolf, dont let your insecurity ruin this. Let me say this, men like the hot girls, the leggy girls, the spunky girl, but WHO they fall for is the COOL girl. I think you should have let his co-worker come out to the concert with you guys, it showsA) Youre a cool girl, accepting of his friends and co-workersB) Youre confident with who you are, you MAY even strike up a friendship with her (because thats how open and amazing you are)C) It shows HIM you can handle things smoothly and HE CANNOT live without a girl like that Because its only been 4 months, I think that concert was actually a step to make you shine baby girl! Think of it this way, you have NOTHING To lose but everything to gain by allowing him to bring his co-worker, you can show them your ease, your coolness, your open-ness and ability to handle conflict as they come. Men dont want to be comforting their girlfriends all time, they want their girlfriends to already have confidence, they want their girlfriend to become a part of their life and add to their confidence in life I think the answer here is youre focusing on the wrong things in this relationship. YOURE focusing on the wrong things about yourself, this isnt even about that co-worker girl OR your boyfriend. Its about who you areHe hasnt posted pics of you guys on facebook but has tagged her? I think thats rude, but suck it up honey and shine on YOUR facebook. Date this guy but continue to HAVE an amazing facebook ! UPload pics of your life, love, everything that makes you who you areContinue to focus on lifting your self-esteem. I say you guys got exclusive too quick, I would have kept him on dating terms and continue to date men, circulate, and be open to other men so that you can continue to practice ON How to date and gain self-confidence (only way to do that is date several guys at once and see what you like)Since youre already exclusive, I say just go out and have a great time, with your boyfriend or friends, continue to be attractive, focus on your job, your loves, your life, and continue to SHINE, stop focusing on the other girl they are deterring you away from him realizing how special you are If youve been intimate, enjoy him fully and hold nothing back. Laugh, love, open up, and if you got to know the co-worker maybe even say "you know I think shes a pretty cool person'. (hes probably been waiting for your approval)Be THAT girl. And only way to get there is continue to love YOU and know youll be okay and know that whatever happens your boyfriend will be okay too. Treat as your friend, not someone who can stolen from another girl, hes just another human beingLove him as he is and LOVE YOU. Be open to having positive conversations as well, about what you want to experience and feel, and even bring along YOUR own co-workers to events. He probably wants to give to you too and by sharing your life and your friends and your desire, he becomes such a big part of your life it doesnt matter what other people are doing in theirs. he is already your boyfriend you can direct where this is all goingMen fall in love when they give to their woman, Sounds like he wants to give to you too but you have to give to yourself first You have so much power and it all has to come from your level of self-love you have for yourselfContinue to love yourself, be a fountain of love so much so that any relationship can end but you are so full of love that there is no loss, you can only gain from it
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 August 2016):
From a guy's point of view...
When a guy does not jump at the opportunity to show off pictures of you and him, it could be a few reasons.
1) He still has feelings for his ex, and have not gotten over it completely...true.
2) His last relationship hurt him pretty bad, and he has yet to put his confidence in this relationship. Meaning...Why put up sentimental things if he does not think it will last....This is not to say he wants it to fail...just not jumping the gun.
3) Men take longer to add someone to their lives after a hurtful break up... Hurt pride and ego thing.
As for the ex on the big screen...
"I decided to say something to him. I ended up telling him I felt uncomfortable, so he said he wouldn't do it again, and that I'm important to him, not her."
You have just put him in a position where acknowledging his ex makes you feel uncomfortable...Then point her out to him, and expect to do what?
Hey honey...your ex makes me feel bad...oh look, there is the person who makes me feel bad...look look...say something??
You may not have known it was her...he does, and the last thing he want to talk about while out with you is, the very person you have an issue with. So yes...he pretend not to see or recognise her.
As for the relationship...Keep your eyes open...yes...but give it some time for things to settle. He needs to get more confident with you, and to know this will last.
Four months in, and you are already at him because of his ex...not exactly a confident hope in a long term relationship. I am sure his brain is already thinking...She is a jealous person, and what else is she going to have a problem with?
As for you...Your insecurity will cause major problems in any relationship...If you know to yourself that you can make any man happy...an ex would be the lease of your problems. Add to that...a friend's advise who is just as insecure as you...well, you can see where that is going.
A relationship is like a good stew...You have to put the lid on it and let it simmer for some time before you get to enjoy it...None the less...A good cook keeps an eye on the pot.
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