A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I want to know if I am out of line.My husband and I have been married for 6 years now he has three kids and I have three . We only have four of the kids living with us because his two older children are adults. I work four months of the year during tax season and I am a stay at home mom the rest of the year. I do everything around the home and my husband goes to work comes home and everything is taken care of and I mean everything. I wait on him hand and foot. I even take care of bills so I can take that worry away from him.. He says it is unheard of that since he is not the father of my three that it is his responsibility to take care of us financially.. He says I need to get a full time job and that is more important then staying home with my young kids. He makes a very good living It isn't like we are struggling.. I have for the most part been a stay at home mom and the most pay I could get from a job is maybe 10,000 a yr more then I make during tax season. My question is am I using him and am I worthless? I hear it enough I am starting to believe it.. I am not perfect but I try so hard to make him happy. I have never used anyone in my life.. I am just in shock that he would say this to me.. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2013):
 If your children's father is paying child support, then what is this guy's problem? I too am intrigued that this has come up after 6 years of marriage and how many months or years of dating before that. Something has triggered this, either some comment that family and friends are making, or are he and your children having conflicts? Many times stuff like this comes out when the guy feels unappreciated by either you or your kids. How do your kids treat him? Are they teenagers and flinging "You're not my dad" every time he asserts his role in your family? What about the relationship between your children and his kid who is at home?
That's really the only thing I can think of that would change an otherwise happy situation. Men could get pretty chafed if they've helped make a home for kids who are not his, and then in turn those teenage hormones kick in and they start treating him with disrespect.
But I'm just guessing. Otherwise, finances come up when one or the other want to go buy things and bills make those goals seem much farther away. He may want to do something with his money that he feels supporting your kids keeps him from doing, and he struck out at you out of frustration. Do you know of any financial goals he has, such as toys to buy or businesses to start or run, or retirement accounts he wants to increase saving on??
Otherwise, I think you should do as he says -- you're educated, so you could branch out from tax time bookkeeping and do it as a full time. Then estimate the cost of child care while you're working and the money it would take to travel and meals while you work, and present it to him.
Then estimate the amount of housework and home support you will NOT be doing because of your full time job, and either tell him to hire a housekeeper, or take on some of those duties himself.
Your kids' father's child support is fantastic, and I'm glad you're getting that. But that's only meant to cover HIS half of their expenses. Even if you marry, you are responsible to see to the other half of those kids' expenses as well. It's noble and morally right that a husband blend the families when marriage happens, making all of the kids feel equally special and cared for. However, legally, you are responsible no matter who you marry.
However, that being said, I have some very important questions for you:
Did you and he sign a pre-nuptual agreement before you got married? You've been married 6 years? Does he not know that if you and he divorce, and he makes really good money as you say he does, that you are one good lawyer away from socking him with a spousal support/alimony order? Your time there has value, as well as your services to both your family and his, laundry, home care, supporting him. That has inherent value, so you can take thoughts about being worthless and chuck them out the window, because I guarantee that a divorce/family court will find a lot of "worth" when it comes to what he'll have to come up with if you do leave him.
I think you need to ask him where this is coming from, and you need to ask him why now, and why not 4, 5, 6 years ago. Be prepared to listen UN-emotionally to what his answer is, and I think equally you need to lay out the situation on your end, including the added financial cost if you return to work. You're not using him. Your part time job and your ex's child support are adding financial income as well.
The best thing to do is to get to the source of his frustration, and given that he has 1 kid left at home and you have 3, how they conduct themselves at home and how they treat him could be big factors. How you treat him when it comes to dealing with your kids is also a big factor. Playing yourself off of him rather than working together as a team could trigger this (i.e. constantly overriding him on decisions if you disagree with something he says they can or can't do, or reminding him that he's not their dad).
Keep talking with him....and whatever is best for the family is what you do. It may be that if you two split, you may have to prepare to do whatever is best for YOUR family.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 @ Euphoric 29 : your understanding of the role of a stepparent only shows that you are a generous person, but it's definitely not the understanding of the Law in the OP's country, nor the understanding of stepparents in general.
Legally ,stepparents do NOT have a financial responsibility for the health, education, or welfare of their stepchildren .A few US States do include the residential stepparents as a source of support for stepchildren, under very specific limited circumstances which don't seem to apply to the OP .
Any money spent for stepchildren is a gift , of love or necessity . Generosity is a wonderful trait, but you can't make it mandatory. If the most of these kids' upkeep is paid by their bio dad- then the OP's husband is a bit stingy. Which, does not make less valid his right to not spend any money on stepkids. And then again- it could be argued that the OP is not being very generous either, by refusing to contribute financially to her own upkeep and to the family income, when she is healthy and employable, out of her desire of staying home with HER children.
I want it to be clear that I do not criticize the OP for her choice of being a stay at home mom , and in her shoes I'd probably do the same. But, technically the husband is right for what concerns the stepkids, and as for not wanting to be the sole provider for her.... more and more men nowadays do not enjoy at all donning the role of official only breadwinner, even if they could afford it. They want a partner who's an equal also in financial responsibilities and earning potential.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2013):
 If this question has just arisen now.... after 6 years.... then there is something else behind it. You need to learn just what that is.....
I think "Euphoric29" (her answer) is on to something... Find out...
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 June 2013):
Dear OP,
in my understanding, when you marry someone, you accept their kids as your own. You build ONE family - if not, why the marriage anyway. If he didn't feel like he wanted to be responsible for them, I'm sorry but he just shouldn't have married you.
He knew how many children you have and he probably knew about how you're going to make your money. Unless you promised him otherwise it's weird of him to start this topic now.
Did anything change between the two of you recently? Is he generally dissatisfied with the relationship? In my opinion, people start to fight about the money when the trust and the feelings are low. As long as you feel everything's alright and fair and you're happy with what you've got, you don't walk around with a calculator. So I would take this as a warning sign.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (21 June 2013):
I think your husband is being unfair to you. I don't think he appreciates all that you around the house and taking care of the kids. That is a big job and you are NEVER off duty!What an A$$HOLE!I have to say, I could not have a job myself. I believe in having my own money in case I need the income for many reasons. Number one reason would be to leave an unsupportive, unappreciated man! Before you do that. You need to speak with him and explain your job, how much he owes you for being his maid, his chief, his personal organizer and administration officer. Maybe he will start giving you that weekly pay check you so deserve. Last but not least, don't ever let anyone person make you feel less than you are. You are doing a wonderful job! and you are a wonderful mom and human being!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): I would, in your shoes, sit him down and make a mock proposal, with a piece of paper and pen, I'd go online and find some jobs that would be suitable, list the average annual salary, I'd then take find some costs for any extra childcare you'd have to pay, extra fuel to go to work, and any extra costs you'd have to take into account, list them all and take them off the average annual salary. I would then write a list of all the chores in the house that you do, and ask him to choose 50% of these for him to do. The idea of extra income might seem a nice idea to him, but faced with the reality of the extra burden in outgoings and chores, he might think differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): I guess I did leave somethings out. There father does pay child support
He also buys all their clothing and pays for their insurance
And does everything he can with the limited means he has.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 June 2013):
You are not using him and you are not worthless, anyway , as unpopular as my opinion can be, I must say that I understand his dismay in being the sole or main source of support for 3 young children that are not his. These children have a father, why is he not providing for all their needs, since you are ( mostly ) a stay at home mum ? Supposing he's deadbeat dad, so .. is your husband to be penalized for your failure , or the law's failure, to get the kids what they are due ?
Or supposing that unluckily the kids'father is deceased, without leaving the kids provided for, then the main financial responsibility would befall on you. If you hadn't remarried, you should have gone to work anyway to provide for your offspring, why the fact of having a new husband has to make such a BIG difference . Unless you had married just to grant your kids financial stability, which , I rush to stress, I don't think it's the case at all. But maybe it might have crossed your husband 's mind , in some dark moment.
I don't discount for a minute the fact that you are a homemaker and take care of everything, but - first, it's six of you in the house, and you with your kids make 4, so technically what you do for him is one third, the rest you'd have to do it anyway if you weren't married - second, your valuable contribution may be appreciable and appreciated , but, alas , does not bring cash. When you go to buy shoes for your 3 young kids, he can't pay with the excellent dinners you place on the dinner table.
The man is not a monster of selfishness and greed- he is not a champion of generosity either,that's's for sure, but if the idea, explicitely or implicitely, was to be financially even, I can see how he may think he's getting the short end of the stick.
All this, I guess, comes from a failure in communication, and should have been discussed and ironed out in minutious details BEFORE getting married. Apparently it was not so, often people " forgets " to express clearly and detailedl their financial expectations ,either in the enthusiasm of a new love, or because talking about money is not " nice "... and then there are problems.
I don't even think is that relevant that he can afford it. Yes, but maybe he would like to be able to afford , with the same money, to help his own kids, or to leave money to his own future grandchildren.
As for the objection that when he met you he knew it was a package deal... maybe in emotional terms, of living together as a family, and providing psychological support and stability to 3 fatherless kids- but financially too ?? Legally ,no- morally, it's arguable.
Maybe it's not " unheard of " , I am sure that some very rich and very generous men would not bat a lid at the idea of being responsible for 3 MORE kids , but I assure you that among common middle class mortals, it's very very rare: if there's an employable , ablebodied parent who can bring in cash, that's what he or she is expected to do .
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 June 2013):
 i think once you get married, you agree to a partnership in which your kids become his and vice versa. i think he is out of line to say such a thing.
however, it seems he is clearly unsatisfied with this set up. some men prefer to be the bread winners of the family, while the wife stays home and takes care of the house. this is clearly not what he desires. obviously he wants you to take a job and join in the bills and split the housework.
perhaps you should sit down and come up with a better plan that suits you both. in a healthy marriage, both parties are happy with the arrangement. it's important to get on the same page.
do i think this makes you worthless? no, not at all. i think he should have communicated this to you more effectively and less hurtfully. but now that you know how he feels, it's up to you to do something about it. otherwise, he may grow resentment, as will you.
...............................
A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (21 June 2013):
I agree with Honeypie that this is something you should have discussed before marriage.Why has this only come up now? Is it symptomatic of a strained relationship and this is just one outlet of his frustration putting you down in this way?When he married you, he married you along with your children, not in spite of them.Did you only work during tax season before you got married? Was that money enough then? If not, how did you manage? Do you get child support from their biological father? If not, get that straightened out.Next, sit down with your husband and look at your income and expenditure as a household. He seems to think the money you will get will make a difference, so you need to discuss what your financial objectives and priorities are. Maybe he wants to be able to afford an exotic holiday abroad in a 5 star hotel every year and he feels that he can't do that if you are not working. When you talk about where that extra money is needed then you can talk about the gap that's left at home while you're at work. You will have to pay for child care. Who will do the cleaning and keep the house running while you're at work - Break it down with him how you will share the chores eg he does the ironing, cleans the bathrooms and you help the kids with their homework, do the cooking etc. This will make both your goals very tangible. You will both understand why he wants you to work and how that will affect the household in the long run. You will also both understand what's at stake if you do go back to work. You can then work together to find the balance that works for you both and you won't have him putting you down because then he will have a better understanding of what it is exactly you do all day everyday and how that contributes massively to the home and to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 June 2013):
 You probably did discuss finances before you got married, either that or you were both on cloud 9 and not really looking at the long term picture!
Whatever the situation, he's brewing a storm of resentment and that's going to cause damamge.
Has he thought about who will take care of the kids and the house if you go back full time? For a man who's used to being waited on, he's gonna find that a BIG shock when his dinner isn't cooked and his clothes arn't washed! (or will you be expected to do all the chores as well?)
If you are paying all the bills...what the hell is he paying for?...seems like an excuse to end the marriage to me!
You are not using him and you are definitely NOT worthless...never EVER let anyone make you think that.
There is more going on here than it appears.
Anyone who calls you worthless when they are supposed to love you is giving very clear signals that things are going downhill...You need to consider your future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2013):
 I would go look for a job in order to leave his ass. I really can't stand people who assume that when someone is a stay at home parent they are worthless.
My guess is that even IF you were to work full time - HE would expect you to take care of all the household chores on top of working.
What did you do when you two met? Did you work then ? Did you two not TALK about this BEFORE marriage? DO you not get any child support for those 3 kids? If not, then why? that would surely help too.
You need to figure out if he is someone you want to stay with or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, babyzbird +, writes (21 June 2013):
 Your Husband is out of line! How dare he...any other women would leave him so fast he wouldn't have time to blink.
When your husband married you he took responsibility of your children. It's unheard of for a husband to NOT take responsibility to take care of the children financially or you.
To be honest, I would leave him over this. Do you have a friend you can confide in and assist you and making a plan to leave him? Family?
I know this is a bit of a shock...but you will have such a better life without him. No women in their right mind would put up with that!
...............................
|
