A
male
age
41-50,
*amjustaguy
writes:Hello to everyone...So I'm looking for some advice...My girlfriend and I had been together for six....almost 7 years. Anyway... We broke up and things got a bit messy. There were a lot of horrible things said.... She was hurting... I was hurting... And we just took it out on one another. The reason we split up is a bit of a long story... She thought she might be pregnant... She didn't know how to deal with it... She went out partying with guys after telling me she needed to be on her own... I found out about it....and well the rest is history.Anyway, it's been a couple of months now...We talk... But only a little...Anyway... She asked if I would go to dinner with her... I said I would go if it was the four of us... As we use to double date a lot with her best friend and her boyfriend as I didn't want us to be the focus of the night and we end up arguing... Slowly, slowly.... She basically said she just wants it to be the two of us... I've told her I'm not ready for that.Am I being unreasonable? If there is any chance of reconciliation I want it to be right... Build again. The thing is I do miss her... She's told me she misses me.. But I think I miss the fact I've lost my best friend the most... We were amazing lovers... But we were like two peas in a pod... Always looking out for one another and looking after one another... We've known each other a long time before we got together...I told her that she had made the biggest mistake of her life...and that's not me being egotistical... It's just she knows I would have done anything for her.So I'm asking... Am I being unreasonable about the situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2016): I'm glad you've come to your final conclusion. I didn't think you wanted a reconciliation. You've apparently faced the fact there were a few reasons there wasn't going to be a reconciliation; and your post seemed like the words of a guy who wanted out, and didn't know how to just do it. I see in the end, you decided to deal with it. Just don't be cruel.
Cruelty brings karma.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2016):
 You have made the correct decision, however I do agree that you should let her know that you want to break all contact so that she knows where she stands. It will work out for you in the end. If the trust is gone I think getting with her would only be one huge step backwards. Here is to your new life and what the future holds.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 August 2016):
 Thanks for the follow up. It did clarify something for me. I thought she thought she was pregnant by you and wasn't facing it.
If she was with someone while dating you, and all the crazy partying and the immaturity of wanting a double date now...I think a clean break from her is best and no, she isn't friend material.
A wise choice I think you've made. Good luck.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 August 2016):
 Wanting to make something work is great, but only IF there is something to work with. That is, someone who is honest with you and willing to figure it out, not fabricate answers they think they other one wants to hear.
Wanting to work on a relationship because you have "invested" a years in it and don't want to start over, is not always the right thing.
I can see why a clean break might be a "better" option for you. When a relationship breaks down to such an extend that you have 90 puzzle pieces in a 100 piece puzzle it's not going to work.
I would however tell her, not ignore her.
You wanted honesty from her, correct? So give it to the people around you as well. Including her.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 August 2016):
 Sometimes the right decision is the hard one and I think you've just made it. That said, I think that (whilst you don't owe her anything), it would be nice of you to just send her one message before cutting all contact, just to let her know that "Jane, I've thought about reconciliation and I just don't feel that's what's best. I'm sorry, but I need to move on. All the best, John".
If you give her that message, she knows where you stand and will hopefully not message/call you any more, so you can both move on. I think it would be best to tell her you've decided to let go, so she knows.
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male
reader, Iamjustaguy +, writes (24 August 2016):
Iamjustaguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses....
I felt like I should clarify things...
She thought she was pregnant....
She went out partying...
Then we broke up...
So she was with some guy before the break up.
She said she never cheated but her story has changed so many times I've lost count.
Anyway... After a lot of thought... And advice.... I've decided to make a clean break. I've not replied to any of her messages or phonecalls now for a couple of days.
The bottom line is what we had is broken... The trust is gone.... It doesn't matter how much I love her there's a lot of bad feelings for her now and it can't be fixed... I don't think I even want to be friends with her anymore.
Anyways... I just wanted to bring you all up to date and clarify things.
Thank you for all the advice.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 August 2016):
 I think you are being incredibly reasonable and logical, given the circumstances. You have every right to want to take things slow and rebuild after what happened. One day at a time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): Reconciliations are hard. You have to know how to negotiate and compromise, and that takes patience.
You steadfastly set a strict rule with no room for compromise. You don't want to go out unless you double-date? Why the buffer? You don't want your relationship to be the focus? Logically, that is exactly what you should do. Calmly talk, and rekindle what you've lost between you. Without anger and anxiety.
First things first. Here's the largest mistake. You are not repairing the old relationship. You are burying the old one and starting a new one. You've said a lot of mean things to each other. Have you really had time to get over the resentment? Is it still in the back of your mind? What he said, and what she said?
How much of what she said, that pissed you off, was true? Sometimes the truth hurts. How much of what you said to her, you know to be true? Then make a list of pros and cons in reconciling the relationship. It depends on if either of you can really change.
You've already made a couple of mistakes. You set the rules, instead of setting rules together. You told her she made the biggest mistake of her life. Well, that's the conclusion she gets to make. Your opinion is biased. You are replaceable.
My dear sir, it wasn't just an exchange of mean-speak that broke you up. There are underlying issues (festering behind political correctness and cowardliness) between you that haven't been resolved; and they will resurface every-time you disagree. Whether mentioned or unmentioned. They're the real reasons, but you avoid their discussion. All couples do this. Been there and done that.
Don't take it upon yourself to tell her or any other woman you're the best she ever will have. That isn't true. To think so is conceited. If you want to start from scratch, you have to have done a great deal of introspection to see your own faults. That's not easy. How much time have you taken to work on yourself? She can't change over-night. So if you broke-up, it took things brewing over time. Not some isolated incident like you're leading everyone to believe.
If it was so simple, what's the hold-up?
If you want to take it slow. It starts as dating. You're both under repair and temporarily out-of-service. You both have some issues you really want to reveal to each other, but you've danced around them. Or, tainted them with venom. You should discuss each others needs, confess insecurities, calmly (fairly) express pet peeves, admit your own faults, and make a binding-agreement to work on them. Then you can consider a reconciliation. Reconciliation cannot work without reason and understanding. You must resolve your most outstanding problems and forgive.
Delayed forgiveness is often disguised punishment and/or an attempt to manipulate another person through their guilt and emotional frustration.
You didn't break-up over a single disagreement. You broke-up over 7 years of sweeping problems under the rug.
There are tensions because your relationship has stopped progress and and evolving. That's a long time for two people near or at 40.
Where do you go from here? I bet she'd like to know.
I have years of experience under my belt in two successful relationships. One lasting 28 years to death, and one now approaching the 3rd happy year. I've been there and done that. We've overcome arguments and disagreements. Survived angry words, and anything else you can throw at us, or we can throw at each other. Love and mutual-effort sustained both relationships. Actions speak louder than words.
The other couple isn't your problem. The problem and the reason you're not ready is still standing between you.
Deal with it.
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female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
I should also add...
If you're hoping to start fresh, then don't make the same mistake so many others seem to make by bringing up old hurts. Leave the past in the past. Treat one another the way you did when you first met - be interesting and fun.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
I agree with Ciar,
Don't make it a "double-date" or nothing. If you BOTH are hoping and looking for a reconciliation, it's between the TWO of you.
Why not start out with something short, like a lunch ? SET an allotted time and MAKE each other the promise that IF things starts to look like an argument, ONE of you will leave.
Or pick up some sandwiches and go sit in the park and talk/hang out.
Most people are FAR less likely to have arguments in public, so that CAN be to the benefit of you both.
However, are you REALLY sure you want to reconcile? For me, this would not be possible, not matter HOW much I love my partner. It's just too much "betrayal" for me. I can forgive, but not forget and THAT is what would get in the way for me. The trust would just not be there no more. And trust is VERY hard to rebuild, if even possible.
Two people can love each other and NOT work out as a couple. Seems to be that she was "rebelling" against it after so many years together, which to me seems like she wanted to either NOT be with you or take it further (as in marriage/family or whatnot).
You two might also consider finding a neutral 3rd party to help you talk these issues out without the arguments. And no, I don't think a friend should be involved here.
You are TWO adults, figure out how to first meet up and talk, THEN worry about wither you can make it work again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I am not so sure she didn't cheat on you. You've been together for a long time so if she fell pregnant, then what you do is prepare for a family and if she doesn't want a pregnancy, then abortion. Breaking up and going out with other guys was an odd reaction. If she regretted an abortion, then it would have taken a toll on her emotional health and have caused her to do stupid things. It was just a pregnancy scare. Assuming she's the same age, it's childish to panic about getting pregnant. Unless she is someone totally against having children and has no motherly instincts. It almost sounded like she was worried she got pregnant by someone else, and to cover the mistake and guilt she made some bullshit reason to break up with you. Then she chose you, stability over a new guy who might not care about her much.
It's totally reasonable to take things slow. The break up was vague and you need time to find out what went wrong and to built trust. She needs to respect that.
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female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (23 August 2016):
It's reasonable of you to not want to get too close too soon, but going on a double date at this point might be a bit awkward.
I would suggest changing the time and setting of your meets up to allow you both what you want. Go for lunch during the day, just the two of you. Day time/lunch say around 1pm, when it's less busy is far less romantic and intimate than going for dinner.
Would that work for you?
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I don't think you can hold it against her that she went out with people, or slept with people after she wanted a break. She didn't cheat on you. I understand if the dramatic turnaround hurt you. Is it something she can ever fix, in your mind, or are you always going to feel like there are trust issues? There's nothing wrong with taking it slow, just be mindful of what you really want; you suggest that you might just want a friendship. She should be aware of that. Consider asking if that couple COULD join the two of you.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 August 2016):
You're not. Though I don't know if I reconciliation is good for either of you; missing each other will always be the case for several months because you're familiar, not necessarily because you're meant to be together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): No, youre not being unreasonable. You only know how you feel and your feelings matter. I feel like relationships now a day only focus on how women feel. Yes you were hurt and you have every right to take it slow.
That said however, if you love her and you DO want her back eventually...you have to open up and let her in again. Even if its slowly at first but you have to. I really stress that, because the more you push her away she will fall into arms of a guy who's arms are open for her
It sounds like you are still hurting because youre distancing yourself. But if it was amazing and the lover part was worth it, why not love again?
Hope you make the right decision for you
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