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Am I being unrealistic wanting 2 breaks when our twins are 3 and 4?minths?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So my boyfriend and I are expecting our twins to be born over the summer. We're both excited and getting everything ready for their arrival. These are our first kids so it'll be a new experience for us both, mainly me because my boyfriend has experience babysitting kids. I made plans for activities/outings to do without the kids when the babies are about 3 months old. A concert in the next state over for a few hours with a friend, and going to an amusement park with my bestie for a day when the babies are 4 months old. My boyfriend thinks I'm being irresponsible because I'm "putting my kids/responsibility on others so I can have a break" and "that I shouldn't be planning breaks when it's so early within their first year". I think a few hours away isn't that much to ask. He validates his opinion with the statement "people hate kids" and I think he feels some kind of way because his mom had family members watching him when he was younger and he didn't like it. I don't think I'm being irresponsible by having a lil me time. His resolve is if I can't take the kids with me, I shouldn't be doing it. For all these excursions, I had planned for his mom to watch the kids as she's a daycare provider and their grandmother. Is he being a bit too strict/unrealistic? Or am I being unrealistic in wanting these 2 breaks? I feel if he had something he wanted to do when he was supposed to watch them that I'd watch them for him; but he sounds like he plans to forego personal plans for their sake. I love my babies, but a break from being pregnant and without them sounds like a treat to rejuvenate me.

Thanks!

View related questions: a break, grandmother

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDancerGirl, nobody is saying she's won't need a break - just saying it's too early to plan anything because she'll probably need to use breaks to rest, not go out, until she's settled into a good routine, which usually takes months for single babies, let alone twins.

Everyone is saying the father should take over sometimes and she should have breaks, just that planning them before they're even born and settled is unrealistic.

- You don't know how you'll feel about motherhood,

- Whether both babies will be healthy,

- If one wakes up and the other sleeps, then swap, giving you no time to yourself to pee or shower, let alone anything else,

- If you get post-partum depression,

- If you don't recover well for months,

- If you end up unable to afford to go out and need to take breaks in free places,

- If you're too attached to leave for a few hours so early on, etc.

One day at a time with babies, OP.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI think it is a bit unrealistic to be making plans before the babies are even born. You don't know how the birth is going to go, you don't know how the form is going to be with you. You don't know if both babies will be sick or healthy. A number of things could happen between now and then. When you have babies it is hard to make plans in advance, as anything could happen. Take one thing at a time. Prepare for the birth and see how it goes from there. As a first time mother, you may be tired, emotional and not wanting to leave them. Wait until you know nearer the time. Off course you have the right to have a break and there is nothing wrong with leaving your children in someone else's care for some you time, but it is a bit early to be planning it I think.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

I don't think you're being irresponsible as long as you leave them with a friend family or trusted baby sitter. It's only a day or two! Not like you're disappearing off for several months.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 April 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntMums need rest, but you're going to want it to sleep, not go out, so early on - and with twins!

OP, you'll need to use your "me time" to eat, sleep and shower. Get in a stable routine before planning any breaks; babies don't adhere to schedules.

That said, he should be able to cover the childcare for a few hours to let you do your own thing - though, again, you're likely to want to sleep, not go out.

Be patient and get in a routine first.

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2018):

I might get little abuse from mothers on here but hey ho.

I am a mother to a 15 year old. From the moment she was born I was adamant that I wasn't going to let it change my life. I was a professional dancer so she came on tour with me when I needed to travel and I continued this until she was 5 year old. I never had parents to depend on to look after her and to be honest it was a good thing.

I still had my social life, did want I wanted and still cared for my child in every way she needed. Do not make people feel that just because you have children that you do not have a life. Your husband is the father, not a babysitter. You do not need anyone else to care for them while you enjoy yourself.

As mothers we are groomed to be sacrificial lambs to our children. To forget us and put everything into raising them to the point that we forget who we are. While the fathers continue to do what they want and make us feel guilty wanting the same.

Go to your concert and other days out. Trust me. the worst thing you can do is forget about you in this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

You might want to wait a while before you plan everything.The first months after bringing home twins when ever you get any extra time you will need it for sleep.I promise you will be sleep deprived.It sounds like with the way your boyfriend thinks you will be doing everything.I have the feeling that he will think it is women's work.I think that because he is questioning already about you making plans.The babies might have colic then you will never get sleep with two cause they will all the time wake each other.It is gonna be very hard for you once they are born.You might consider if he is no help to hire a high school kid as a mother's helper.I had a niece help and I was so thankful she was there because I never would have even had time for a shower with my one colic baby.But never leave 2 newborns with one babysitter..always hire at least 2 trust me on this..it is safer for the babies.Your life is gonna change forever.Outings and friends will take a back seat for a while because you can only do so much.It is a good change though but your time will never be your own anymore I hope you understand that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

I must say you are putting the cart before the horse. First wait for your twins to be born and hope that they are born safe and well and see if you can cope with them. Also I hope you both think of getting married soon now your babies are on the way.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 April 2018):

He's not making any sense. In-fact, why can't he watch his children alternately?

He's already judging you as a mother. Most fathers prefer to become husbands first. So I think he needs to dial-back the judgment on how much time you want off and who you want to mind the babies when you do!

You're the one carrying them around with you 24/7 for all these months. I think you really need to suggest he support you; and make an agreement to take turns allowing each other me-time off; while one of you can get out of the house.

You're still a mother to your children at home and away from home.

You are very responsible by planning ahead, and leaving the babies in expert-care. You don't deserve to be put on a guilt-trip for what his mother did. I think you need to remind him that you're a grown-woman; and he should respect your decisions. You love the babies every bit as much as he does. Expect a marriage-proposal before having anymore kids for this guy. They deserve financial-security and a dad who would commit to their mother for life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think (and that is speaking as a mother of 3 kids, all teens now) that you might see differently when your kids are there. You won't be so focused on YOUR needs but theirs.

You have no idea (and I don't say that to scare you) how well your kids are doing at this early stages in life. You are expecting twin so they WILL be smaller and earlier than the "average" child.

And you don't know how YOU will do after the birth either. I bounced back after 6 weeks with my oldest - it took me closer to 6 months the second time and well quite a bit longer with #3. YOU are in your 30's and not only giving birth to two babies, this is also your FIRST birth. And you also have to consider that the first 4-5 months are some the MOST important bonding time you will get.

So yes, I DO think it's a little premature to plan "get-away from the kiddos" already.

While I DO believe that mom's who get some rest and time to recoup after giving birth are often more relaxed, I can't imagine planning stuff "to get away" from my kids before they were even born.

I think "me-time" and "us/couple-time" is very important after you have kids, but do I think you need to to travel to the next state over for a concert to have it? I dunno.

My kids have been babysat LESS than a handful of times from birth to their teens. I made the choice to HAVE these children, then are MY responsibility and I WANTED to be with them.

My guess is you don't want to just be "plan old mom" you want to retain who you were BEFORE the kids. And I totally get that. Personally, I DO feel like you (as a mom) lose a bit of yourself but the GAIN is much greater than the loss, IMHO.

I say maybe negotiate with your husband. Find a compromise you can both work with. I'm not saying you shouldn't DO things just for you, but I DO think it's a little premature to plan it before they are even here.

You are no longer JUST you. You will soon be part of a 4 person family.

Think about it.

Maybe just wait and see how the birth goes, how the babies are doing, and how YOU feel AFTER they arrive.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 April 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhy cant he take a day's leave and mind HIS children on those two occasions, I am assuming you are going to be primary carer every hour every day right up to that 3 month point.

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