A
female
age
41-50,
*ruly Devastated
writes:My live in fiance'of four years just told me one day that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I gained too much weight and he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was breaking up with me and moving out. He added that since I postponed our wedding 2 yrs. ago, he felt that I didn't really want to be married to him. I postponed it because he wasn't financially stable at the time and problems with finances are the main reason that marriages end in divorce. At that time I asked him if their was another woman. He said No. Ofcourse later I find out he'd met one only four days before and moved in with his best friend, who is also this girls' cousin. I was totally devestated! When I found out about her he said that he respected me enough to leave before he cheated on me and he loves me too much to intentionally hurt me anymore than this will. You'd think i left him alone. I didn't. He still calls me everyday of the work week, he comes to see me maybe twice a week, sometimes we sleep together, sometimes we don't. he says he's confused. He doesn't know if he even wants a relationship right now and guaranteed me that I'm not stupid for still wanting to be in a relationship with him. He sounds bad in the letter but he's a really good man as far as most principles, loving his family, working and bringing home the money etc. Recently he was in a life threatening accident and I stayed by his side in the hospital. Since then, he's talking more and even called me baby and blew me a kiss before I went to bed last night. Am I stupid in this situation? Please help!
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female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (19 July 2008):
Truly Devastated is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Well, he's still in the picture. My reunion went great and his mom did come with me. When we talked to him that day, his mom mentioned hooking me up with a nice guy since he doesn't know how to act. he playfully said, Mom, don't get her in any trouble. That sounds like he doesn't want me to be with anyone else right? We talked today and he briefly mentioned that he wasn't messing around with the other girl anymore. Then he said he may be moving back in with me. I asked him why. He was like what do you mean why? That was really confusing because he didn't answer the question. I mentioned that he's not my man anymore and when we lived together before, he was my man and we were planning to get married. I reminded him that I never wanted him to leave in the first place, so why would he be moving back in if nothing has changed. He said if I'm not your man, I can't live there? I guess I'll have to find someplace else to go from the sound of that then. That made me wonder if his feelings were hurt that I wasn't overjoyed about this announcement he'd just made or if he was going to manipulate the fact that my place is bigger than his and nicer and he knows that I cook and things like that which could make his life better sonce he's not used to being a bachelor and living with a male roommate. What do you think? I also mentioned the possibility of me talking to other guys and he said he can't stop me from doing that seeing as how we're not together anymore but did mention that with time, it's possible that we could be together again. I just can't make heads or tails of him. He also said that if i couldn't take him talking to other women or whatever then maybe we shouldn't talk at all and we wouldn't know what the other is doing. I said I told him that before and he came over the same night and make love to me. he said something to the eefect that I didn't have to let him in, I could have sent him home if I'd be uncomfortable with anything happeniong between us. He said I need to make decisions for myself or something wierd like that. I just don't understand him but I feel like he's toying with my emotions. Again, I need your help and I truly value the male opinion seeing that he's a man. Thanks in advance for your advice.
A
female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (10 July 2008):
Truly Devastated is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's opinions and would like to thank you guys for even taking the time to respond to me. The overall concensus of everyone who has responded is pretty much to just let him go and get over the breakup. I just didn't want to give up on all the hard work, love & effort that I put into this relationship. He still syas that if we had goptten married as planned two years ago,this wouldn't have happened because he would have refused to let his marriage fail. I don't see why he doesn't refuse to let the relationship fail, when we had to have been married in the heart before we would be married on paper. I told him this feels just like a divorce, not just a break up. I made him better for her. That's crazy! I improved on him over the years to better him for me, not to just give him over to someone else. I thought that by taking it easy and waiting back some, he'd soon see that she can't compare to me and he'd come back. Everytime I try to let him go as i did on the phone the night he came over, he calls or comes by and tries to reconnect things again. I guess I let it happen everytime because I want so bad to believe that he wants to be in love with me again himself, and has just confused himself by adding her to the picture. I don't know how I'll be able to totally stop talking to him. I need advice I guess on how to cut things off and ways to get over the pain I'll feel when I do. Am I to just tell him that we can't talk, see each other or be in contact at all for a while until i feel that I can deal with just being his friend.Right now, I still want him to myself and I still see him as my husband. Until I no longer feel that way, we just can't be in contact and wish him the best of luck? Let me know. i just don't want to be too harsh in the end in case he realizes his mistake and wants to come back after I've cut all ties. I still need you guys' help. This is only my second true love and break up in life and only the second time I've lived with a man at all. This is excruciatingly difficult for me and my family as well as his mom. She's coming with me to my family reunion this weekend.(His mom) That's how tight we are, thinking that we were going to be mother/daughter-in-law. This is too much for us and drives us crazy that he changed so drastically, so quickly and without warning. Where do I go from here?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2008):
 I've read this thread and have come to one conclusion. This man is playing with your heart, and you are allowing him to do so. He is looking out for number one indeed, only that number one is himself. Everyone else, and that includes you, falls a distant second.
Reread what q1605 has written to you. Suck up some backbone marrow from him and stop letting this guy stomp on your heart and use you. Because that is what he's doing.
Flooded basement ptui. He'll be with you after his dinner date with his other squeeze. Ptui.
The sooner you can break it off with him, the sooner you'll get over the break up and the sooner you'll find a truly decent guy.... sorry for not having the answer of what's going through his head. I think the only thing going through his head is how long can he drag this out so he can have two women at his beck and call.
Please do yourself a huge favor...
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A
female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (9 July 2008):
Truly Devastated is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou wouldn't believe the latest thing that happened. I FINALLY got the nerve to call him and tell him that I couldn't take it anymore and this was driving me crazy on July 7, 2008. This was opne day before his birthday which is today, July 8, 2008. It would be the first birthday of his that we didn't talk or spend time together since I knew him.I cried hard even on the phone with him, though I tried not too. I have a lot of great history with him and this is the first and only time that he's done something unfaithful like this. Though we are technically broken up.My mom and a few other women say it's because he's turning 40 and men go through a thing at that time trying to recapture their youth. I don't know why he's doing it but I told himj everything that hurt me about this girl, him hiding the phone from me at first, him sleeping with both of us when I used to be the only one. He said o.k. when i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. i told him that I still love him and it hurts that I can't make him happy anymore or that I'm not what he wants and to go ahead and pursue her, but he couldn't be with me anymore. Not even thirty minutes later he was at my door. I was ijn total shock. I let him to see what he wanted. He came in with an overnight bag and said he was going to surprise me anyway before I called and went off on him. i looked a mess, hair all over my head and still crying over him. It was late like 11:00 and both of us had work in the morining. He crawled into bed with me, held me, dried my tears and gave me sokme of the best sex I ever had from him. I guessed it was final break up sex, but he said it was Happy Birthday time starting it off right with me and he'd be back tonight to end it right with me (After his dinner date with her). What kind of shit is this? It rained super hard and flooded his basement so he didn't come tonight but he called and we talked a while. i can't understand what he's doing. toying with my head it seems. Does anyone have a clue on this one?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): Just thank your stars that you didn't get married. Can you imagine how trapped you'd feel if you had been married 15 years, had kids, and then he pulled this "You're too fat and I'm going to have another girlfriend, but I won't call her girlfriend in front of you" crap? He's not being faithful, he's not even being honest to you. So what if he's good in other ways, if he's not good in the ways that you need?
Honestly, as a self-respecting woman, I wouldn't put up with such BS for 1 second! I've made men walk for less and they love me more for it.
Honey, you deserve so much better. He's not going to change his ways, and you're not going to feel better until you manage to cut off all contact... let him know that for SIX months you're going to stop taking his calls, emails, and texts. Then carry through. That will give him time to work out his infatuation for the other woman; and give you time to learn that you can stand on your own two feet without him. It will be terribly, terribly hard at first, and you may not think you can even go three days without talking to him. Live it day by day... plan a trip with friends, start meeting other guys, do enjoyable things for yourself.
If he really wants you, he'll end it with the other chick and come crawling back to you. Then you guys will need to see a REAL relationship counselor, not the self-serving one he made up, to work out the ground rules for your future relationship.
Right now your EX-fiance is getting everything he needs, so why should he change? Yet if this continues, in the long term he will also be miserable. So for your sake and his, you must stop enabling him.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (8 July 2008):
Truly Devastated is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last time he was over here to see me, the lady he's seeing called and he nearly broke his neck to get outside my door and answer the phone. He was rushing so fast that he was leaving some items he'd come for. I commented on that even in his presence. He said she doesn't know if I was on the toilet, walking the dog, I could have been doing anything. Again, I was extremely hurt. He isn't telling her when he's with me or probvably even that he talks to me at all. He's lying to her and i feel it's to protect his chances with her. That sucks hard! I have to deal with knowing about her and she gets off having peace in lala land that she's all he thinks about. When I confronted him with this and said that he's putting her feelings before mine and thinking of her first, he said i shouldn't think of who's 1st and who's second. just think about that I want to be first. I said, No! I want to be the only and that's the problem. He's saying that he thinks we can get back together but it may take time. Time apparently for him to let his feelings about her run their course and see if he can come back to me if things don't work. I feel like he's keeping me just close enough to pull himself in if she's not all she's cracked up to be and i deserve better than that. The problem is that I love him with all my heart, faults & all and I never saw this day coming. I thought he couldn't live without me just like I can't live without him. I don't know how to get over him. He was so special to me and my world revolved around him. It's his birthday tomorrow, this time last year we were happy together at my family reunion. Thursday is my reunion this year and i'll be single. We went everywhere together. Is it worth it to hang on, or just cut all ties including conversation and just try as hard as I can to move on? I need advice how to do this. Please help me!!!
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A
female
reader, Truly Devastated +, writes (5 July 2008):
Truly Devastated is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone that responded to my question. you have no idea how much it helps to know that other people care and most responders were men. I talked to him again face to face today and asked him directly if I wasn't listening or looking at all the facts correctly. I told him if he's being nice, calling and coming to see me to let me down easy, he doesn't have to do that anymore. i just want to know the truth because i don't want to have any false hopes about us getting back together or to continue to feel stupid for still wanting him. He said he's not doing it just to be nice. I had gained about 55lbs. during our time together. part of that was because we thought I was pregnant. Nonetheless, i have lost about 33lbs. since he told me this devestating information in the first week of May. I look, better and I feel better. he said he's just as scared of losiing me as i am of losing him. I told him that I couldn't tell seeing as how he has this other lady(she doesn't have a title as his girlfriend or anything, but she calls him everyday and things like that)Anyway, we used to role play a lot to add spice to the relationship, you know act like we didn't know each other and flirt etc. Well today, he put himself in the position of being a relationship therapist and told me that he thinks he can help me to get my man back. I asked him if he thought I should pursue that under the circumstances. he said yes, but that i should take it easy and don't applie too much pressure because my man probably feels uncomfortable about the fact that he may have moved too quickly and still has feelings for me. He said it may take some time like a few months but he can pretty much tell me that things will work out with us. he said he'd give me some pointers. I asked him as a therapist if he had a good success rate and he said that his success rate was near perfect and he's gotten couples back together before. Today is the fourth of July and he went to two picnics but before he left his families' hopuse he called to talk to me a while, see if I wanted a plate and then called again directly before bed and told me he was thinking about me and wanted to hear my voice before bed. he said he'd call in the morning when he gets up and may make an appointment with the doctor for me for tomorrow. What do you think of this? is he leading me on? Just holding on in case things don't work with her, though he said he doesn't feel as strongly for her as he did at first? Is he really feeling me again? I need help!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 One very important question....If he is n o longer physically attracted to you because you've gained weight, why is he still sleeping with you. Why are you allowing him to sleep with you?
He may have been honest enough to get out of the relationship before he physically cheated but he was already cheating mentally. He knew his reasons for leaving. That is OK though as he at least did things in the correct order.
As for gaining weight, how much are we talking about? It is understandable how someones physical attraction might dwindle if a partner became obese. Let's be honest, most people do not desire to be overweight. That is why weight loss products flourish. It is not "usually" what we desire so it is therefore safe to say it is a negative for some people. I'm not saying the person who has gained weight is worth less because of it, I'm just saying they've changed the dynamics of the package they were when the relationship began. There will be many changes in all of us, it just depends on how we handle them and which battles we choose to fight. People who are stuck on looks will be bothered by weight gain. It's also realistic to say that if you weighed 120 pounds when you met and you weight 220 pounds now, he could be less attracted physically. The fact he told you is a little blunt and his delivery may have been lacking.
It sounds like you're making it too easy for this guy. Every time he beckons, you come running. Is it possible you have a self esteem issue? Has the weight thing bothered you? Have you tried to lose the extra pounds. I can guarantee that if you began a routine to make yourself feel better, you'd exude confidence. Then, other men would be chasing you around and your old flame would be kicking himself in the butt.
In closing, be happy with yourself. Do the work you need to do to be the person you'd like to be. If weight is an issue, lose it. Relationships that are built on solid ground can withstand weight gain, sickness etc. When relationships mature, other aspects become more important and their value becomes more apparent. Perhaps your relationship was not at that point yet and he left. Only time can create those feelings.
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