A
female
age
36-40,
*ls022
writes:I tried to post this yesterday but I'm not sure if it's because I posted it anonymously that it didn't get through?My boyfriend and I have just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. From my point of view we have been mostly happy, aside from a 3 week break we had when we'd been together for about a year. The break was his decision - long story short, he thought he didn't want a relationship but decided later he had made a mistake and we worked it out. I have always been a bit confused about it, because he ended things so unexpectedly and changed his mind just as quickly, but he worked a lot to prove he was serious and we eventually moved past it.Fast forward to now. A completely random chain of events has led me to find out that his ex and her then boyfriend (the man she cheated on my boyfriend with and eventually left him for) had a 6 week break at the exact same time my boyfriend ended it with me.Now my boyfriend was still in contact with his ex when we got together. I am still on friendly terms with some of my exes so I don't mind that at all. He still thought highly of her, which I thought was a good character trait of his, but now I don't know if maybe he wasn't over her? He never mentions her now or speaks to her, whereas then he regularly did.Add to that the fact that I recently found out he split up with her almost immediately before we got together (I noticed she was in his brother's wedding photo which was a month before we met). We have never discussed our exes in any detail (recipe for disaster in my book), but he definitely led me to believe they had been over for a good few months when we met. I have not brought up the fact he said they had ended before that because it was so long ago and didn't seem relevant, but now I'm pretty sure I was the rebound girl.So now I can't get it out of my head that the reason he ended things with me 3 years ago is because she had become single again and he wanted another chance with her. I guess she said no and that's why he came back to me.I have never doubted him before, but for some reason I just can't get this thought out of my head.From an outsider's point of view, do you think I'm being paranoid? Or do I have reason to feel this way? And if you agree with my logic what should I do? I feel like it was such a long time ago that I don't know how to bring it up, but I think it will play on my mind a lot if I don't.Any advice will be so appreciated :)
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 October 2013):
jls022 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I know it was a long time ago and we've been happy since then, but if it does turn out to the case that he dumped me after a whole year together, tried to get back with his ex, then when that failed came crawling back to me, I'm really not sure I could get over that. In my mind that basically makes me second choice and not only ruins the first year we had together, but also the months after we got back together. I thought that was a nice time between us where he'd realised how much he cared about me, whereas it could have been the case that he wished he was with her instead. I know I'm probably overreacting and I will need to speak to him first, I guess I'm just dreading the worst case scenario :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Tell him as though you're casually confessing something embarrassing (like you used his toothbrush) that you've always been curious whether he and ______ made another go of it all those years ago. Tell him that you trust him, you've just been wondering since then. If it's a silly question to him, the answer will be a definite "no," but sometimes guys don't mind insecure questions if you preface it with the fact that it is an insecure question (my man does this too -- we're both allowed a certain number of really silly questions per month, as long as we designate them as such). Not meaning to call you insecure -- just trying to tell you to smooth his feathers a bit if his reaction would be more of a, "Why would you even THINK such a thing?!?! Ugh!" Hopefully he's honest, and will tell you yes if the answer is yes. That would smart a bit. But, like Cerberus said, he's still the same guy you've loved these years, and has (apparently) been completely devoted to you for three of them. Depending on how long they were together, he could not be over her and be in love with you at the same time, legitimately. I met my man when he and his ex were separated, but she was still looking for a place to go, and thus still lived there. Was I a rebound girl? Yes, but also a serious upgrade. He just happened to find what he was looking for on rebound time...and 1.25 years in, he is way over her in the romantic sense, but he's not over everything she did and how it messed with his worldview. This is fine. Just saying that while he probably didn't go on and on about it, getting over anyone takes time, even if you pretend it doesn't. 'Tis the reality of life and serial monogamy. So, go easy on him, even if you uncover that he wasn't quite over her and was indeed trying to make a go of it. Maybe you can explore those feelings together.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (3 October 2013):
Sure you have reason for being worried. If you have been in a good relationship for over four years he should have no problem in answering your questions about what happened then. But be prepared the answer you receive may burst your bubble between your boyfriend and yourself and the big element of trust could go out the window. If you have a good relationship now why worry about the past.But i suspect you are not happy about something else. Using my successful relationship of over four years and that is not having any secrets and drawing a line in the sand about the past. The past should never get into the future. And my girlfriend and i spoke about this topic many months before we became committed to each other. I do not care about her past relationships nor should i. good-luck move forward...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I don't think you're paranoid it does all seem a little too coincidental and frankly OP you know as well as I do coincidences like that pretty much never happen.
Ask him, but do so remembering that it's been 3 years since that happened and you and he have worked out since then.
OP you've been with him 4 years now you'll know if he's lying. So get the truth out of him. How do you bring it up? Just ask him in passing, did he spend time with his ex when you were broken up that time. That way it doesn't sound like a negative accusation.
Tell him it doesn't change anything between you two as you are past that but that not having answers will start to wreck your head and basically you need to know because it all fits too well and you just need to know if that was the case. It's not a big deal but it will become one if you don't get closure on the issue as it has been reopened for you, so he can't just shut you down and say forget about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I don't think you're paranoid it does all seem a little too coincidental and frankly OP you know as well as I do coincidences like that pretty much never happen.
Ask him, but do so remembering that it's been 3 years since that happened and you and he have worked out since then.
OP you've been with him 4 years now you'll know if he's lying. So get the truth out of him. How do you bring it up? Just ask him in passing, did he spend time with his ex when you were broken up that time. That way it doesn't sound like a negative interrogation.
Tell him it doesn't change anything between you two as you are past that but that not knowing the truth will start to wreck your head and basically you need to know because it all fits too well and you just need to know if that was the case. It's not a big deal but it will become one if you don't get closure on the issue as it has been reopened for you, so he can't just shut you down and say forget about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Um. Simple answer here, ask him. If you want to stay with him, believe his answer and put the past to rest.
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