A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if I've just ruined our relationship or not. My partner and I have been together for 6 months and I love him completely. He has asked me to marry him and nothing would make me happier and I said yes. We have known each other for about 10 years and have always fancied each other but never knew this until a night of ultimate passion 6 months ago! I've never experienced this need, this passion until that night and for about a month we had an incredible sex life. He would phone me when we wern't together and we would talk dirty for hours, he would tell me that he couldn't wait to taste me, touch me and also get the same back! (The talk was sexier than this, I just don't want to be too crude on here). Then he just stopped initiating sex, stopped foreplay, telling me he has never really enjoyed receiving foreplay due to a bad experience once upon a time and his extremely sensitive skin. He jumps at the slightest touch, he is very ticklish. He hardly ever climaxes and has told me that he has always had this problem. Yet he has been telling me for the last 6 months how much he finds me attractive, that he loves kissing and touching me, however I am lucky if he kisses my breasts and performs oral sex on me once a month. For the last 5 months I have expressed my worries that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, or that he isn't excited by us anymore and now I have lost all confidence in myself. I feel like the person he was was a lie, and I'm so worried that we are going to have a life of boring, straight to the point sex! We had a massive argument last night and finally he told me that the only enjoyment he gets out of foreplay is seeing me enjoy it, and that is it but it doesn't turn him on. I now feel that I can never let him do these things to me as I'd feel like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't like but I can't understand how a person can be so passionate, so horny and then be a complete different person. He said that he was different then, that wasn't really him and I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him but I can't go on like this. Is it normal for guys not to enjoy foreplay? I have had previous relationships and not once has a guy showed any disinterest in this. They can't wait to perform oral sex, touching me at the same time, experimenting with my body and I do exactly the same. I love foreplay, I could happy go down on him for ages and feel so turned on, I get turned on by just touching any part of him. He drives me crazy and once upon a time I felt I did too for him. I'm so confused and so scared. What should I do?
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breasts, confidence, foreplay, his ex, horny, kissing, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I have no feeling whatsoever of his sexuality and he has never been abused. His past experience was something even he considers wasn't that bad but led to him not enjoying oral sex. A bit of pain once by an ex who bit him.
He does suffer with depression, and has done since I've known him and I have considered this, however he has told me countless times how happy he has been since being with me and that I am his life. He has never wanted and loved someone how he does me and I'm just left confused.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I agree with the others. 6 months and its already like this, imagine what the rest of your life would be like! This should be the phase where you cant keep your hands off each other and are constantly looking for places and ways to do lots of fun, sexual stuff.
You have to decide now if you can live with this. Maybe he's just not as sexual a person, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's a closeted homosexual, maybe, maybe, maybe..! There's no end to conjecture but the bottom line is, he's not interested in foreplay and he never did like it, he just went along with what you like, just to please you. If you think you can look beyond this and would like to have him more as a companion than a sexual partner, then its your decision. However, in case that happens, be prepared to put your sexual desires in the backseat forever.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 August 2012):
Ive been with my fiancee for over five years, and in that time sex has not died down for a moment. Things dying down after 1-6 months sounds like material for a fling, not a marriage.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I usually don't just out and out say this, but I strongly suggest that he's closeted, and is using you in order to "look normal" to his family and the outside world.
Please talk to him. This is a serious problem and it won't magically go away if you marry him. If you put a ring on his finger, it'll be the biggest mistake of your life...he is NOT compatible with you and is possibly gay and using you as cover. This is NOT a healthy situation. You HAVE to talk to him!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Six months and the honeymoon is over already? What a pity he's not a sexually compatible partner for you, but there it is. I'm wondering if there's more to his background than he's revealed. Perhaps some past sexual abuse or, I hate to suggest this, but perhaps he's not really heterosexual? He may WANT to be sexual but when push comes to shove and the clothes come off, he just can't do it. There's a block there somewhere and I think it's really obvious that he may be able to talk the talk but can't walk the walk.
I would put the engagement on hold for now and consult a sex therapist if you AND he are really planning to proceed with the wedding. Otherwise, I would sadly, very sadly, end the romantic side of the relationship, and go back to the friendship, after a period of mourning has passed and you both can decide to be friends. Sorry, but this just isn't going to be a happy marriage with his attitude toward sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I know this deep down but I love him, I have always wanted to be with him and I'm scared that I'll always regret losing him as other than that he is perfect. He is the most caring and loving man I've ever known. I feel broken. Thanks again for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Could he not be experiencing an episode of depression due to the awful thing that happened to him in the past?Or some kind of mental block?You need to ask him to be as honest as he can about what is going through his mind so that YOU can understand and BOTH of you can work on this problem together...if he would like that. If not, and he's just lost interest in you full stop, there's probably not a lot you can do about it.Do you think he could be bisexual or even gay? Has there ever been anything about him that has struck you as "a bit camp" for a straight guy? Sorry to bring this up, but if a guy loses interest in a woman he was once so passionate and sure about, then a change in sexual agenda can be a contributing factor in this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): "Is it normal for guys not to enjoy foreplay?"
When it comes to sex OP everyone's normal is different but you know from experience that his views are far from the majority.
It sounds to me like the first month was about winning you over and once that was done he felt comfortable enough to be his normal self with his normal sex drive.
You've been together 6 months and for 5 of those the sex has been crappy or not enough of it. You're basically sexually incompatible and this is the sex life you have to look forward to for the rest of your life because you agreed to marry him without actually testing those things first.
OP he's told you this is the way he is, he's not going to change his views on this because it's not just a loss of libido in his case that can be fixed, this really is the kind of sex life he is happy with.
You need to decide whether that is really something you can live with for the rest of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): My dear, just follow him gently and don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do at any point in time, or else he wil find you unattractive and he will start looking for some one who will not force him on anything. Just be quiet always and don't try to prove your too wise. I believe he knows what he is doing and with time,he will sit back
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